Assembled staff by Karen Blayne

Oh by the way red tape first.

Be warned these short stories contain mature content or naughty bits and as such may corrupt you if you’re under 12, 16, 18, 21 or 25 depending where you live thus they are not suitable for you so put them back on the shelf and let them age for a year or two.

They were sort of scribbled for fun. They were first posted on asstr.org. If you’ve paid money for this book just be aware the author has not received any payment. In fact no one has permission to charge money for this book and copyright is retained by the author. Asstr.org accepts donations if you’re feeling rich or even if you’re not.

Luv Karen

Alan looked at the letter in his hand, well he was now a viscount, well not as high a title as an Earl but certainly he now took on the formal title of Lord Clay. It was unexpected but apparently a recent death of the incumbent coupled with the very high casualties at Waterloo meant he was the next male heir. Alan wandered into his boss’s office without even knocking. “Anything of interest Alan?” His boss the steward enquired as he motioned the willing servant girl to hide a little further under his desk. Alan handed him the letter and watched the eye brows raise. “Well there’s an estate so I take it you’ll be leaving us shortly?” Alan nodded, he’d been working as an understeward now for some years and the height of his ambition had been to rise to being a steward. “Want to just slip away or are you up to dining with the family, you never know Millicent might just be interested.” They’d both seen Millicent at her tantrum worse so the question was rather redundant. “I’ll just finish up here then we’ll consult with the senior staff and see what we can come up with. Do you think you could just get me the grain ledger from the stables?” “No sense of timing has that lad still no great harm done now we were discussing the possibility of your family grazing a dozen sheep in the long meadow in return for your company?” Susan’s head nodded in agreement or at least moved up and down as her lips tried to convince the steward that it would be worth his while to agree.

Shortly afterwards Alan was sat in the housekeeper’s room with the steward, housekeeper, butler and his lordship’s valet. “Well my gossip is if he hadn’t broken his neck out riding he would be shortly bankrupt anyway.” “Well we’d best show Alan, sorry Lord Clay, what to watch out for. I can show him how to examine the housekeeper’s books. Derek you can show him the same for the cellars I should think.” “Could we think of a way to send a couple of grooms and perhaps a footman to ease his way?” “Well the estate does owe some money to Lord Clay does it not?” grinned the valet “We could send young Ralph with the money in a strong box to Lord Clay do you think and a couple of grooms? They may come in handy.” Alan nodded, he’d noticed in his years that the steward tended to be a little conservative and no doubt having the grooms and footman along would help. “Let me scout out the estate first then send them to Upper Hunsbury, I’ll be at the Mulberry Bush since it’s the only pub near there according to the letter.”

He took the common stage to Upper Hunsbury and a room at the Mulberry Bush. Armed with the housekeeper’s notes he quietly noted the price of bread and other commodities in the village. An evening or two spent quietly in the bar introduced him to a number of his tenants and walking over the land he got a fair idea of what he was letting himself in for. Many of the cottages were in need of repair, at least two fields looked like they needed drainage, many of the fences were in disrepair. Well the estate would pay but he’d need to put in a year or two before it did. All six foot three and fifteen stone of Ralph arrived with one of the coaches with Ruth, a maid, two grooms, plus a coachman carrying with him a solicitor who would introduce Alan to the estate. “I’ve instructions to dress you in Martin’s clothes before we arrive so you look the part.” One didn’t argue with Ralph and very shortly afterwards the coach set off towards the manor house.

Ralph wrapped the door knocker and when a footman arrived strolled through the door announcing “Lord Clay will see Aston, Bodham and Scudder in the library forthwith.” Then he came back to hold the door open whilst Alan strolled in clothed in his borrowed finery. He noticed many members of staff had found an excuse to be in the hall as he arrived. He looked at the assembled staff and announced “I’m Clay, as you must know my predecessor spent rather more than he had and as a result I’ll be cutting back expenses. I regret to inform you that all the staff are hereby dismissed, the housekeeper, butler and steward will write out your references and Mr. Tolson my solicitor will pay you your back wages. If you’d just like to pack your things and bring them down to the library to collect your references, the coach outside will take you as far as the inn in the village where you can either catch the stage or make other arrangements.” There were gasps of dismay but an acceptance never the less.

Two maids stepped towards him dressed rather finer than the others, certainly their plunging neck lines left little to the imagination. “I’m Julia and this is Ruth. We used to keep the old lord’s room tidy for him and see to all his personal needs. I’m sure we could do the same for you.” She said as suggestively as she was able. He glanced at the list of wages in his hand, judging from their pay they were very well paid for their services indeed. He flicked his eyes to Ralph who motioned them back to the others. Both visibly pouted at the rejection.

Ralph first relieved the housekeeper and butler of their keys. Then each servant approached the appropriate senior member of staff who wrote out their reference before passing on to the solicitor who handed them their back pay.

Ralph stood by the front door together with the maid he’d brought. As each servant approached their baggage was searched then they were frisked either by Ralph or Ruth behind a screen. A small pile of silver spoons, odd bits of jewellery, and other items at their feet soon told their own story. Ruth looked at one maid suspiciously and motioned her behind the screen and indicated she should undress. Ruth patted her clothes and found nothing but the maid had a half smirk on her face. “Bend forward, hands against the wall.” Ruth slipped her finger in the maid’s most intimate hole and felt the end of a string of beads. “Ralph come and witness this.” Ruth slowly pulled out the pearls that had been hidden in the orifice as the maid turned red. Once dressed Ralph looked at her and took her written reference off her. “Now get in the coach.” He nodded. Several servants turned back to repack. Two servants tried to slip out the back way but Ralph’s two grooms were waiting and turned them back.

Soon all the lower servants were done, the coach left to convey the first batch down to the Inn, the others stood outside the front door waiting for its return.

“I’d like to see your books please Mrs. Bodham.” Reluctantly Mrs. Bodham produced them. Alan compared the prices he’d noted in the village with those recorded in the book. “There seems to be some discrepancy between the prices in the village and the price you’d paid for goods. Bread for example is down at twice its village bakery price.” Mrs. Bodham blanched. Ralph perhaps you and Ruth could help Mrs. Bodham pack. Ralph motioned his two grooms inside to stand by the front door then locked the kitchen door. “If you find Mrs. Bodham’s savings we’ll let her keep £10 but we’ll assume the rest to balance the books, unless of course Mrs. Bodham would prefer us to call in the magistrate?” Mrs. Bodham indicated she would be happy with her ten pounds rather than transported or swung for theft. The butler was similarly dealt with. The steward’s books noted that every cottage had had its roof replaced in the last two years, blatantly untrue and the expenditure seemed very high considering the state of the fences etc. Ralph was dispatched with one of the grooms to the steward’s home to search it and recover what he could.

They sat round the library and Alan counted up the recovered money, nearly two hundred pounds plus there were the jewels and silverware. “Well thank you for your efforts today would two guineas each be reasonable?” “You’re one of us, so shall we say a guinea each and you’ll write to us first if you are in need of staff?” “I’d like to hire you all but at the moment I don’t think I can afford it.” Ruth spoke up, “If it’s a choice between working for you for board and lodging or putting up with Millicent’s tantrums I’ll stay on if you don’t mind.” Morgan, one of the grooms who was sweet on Ruth, looked at him “You’ll be needing someone you can trust to look after the stables, you’ve a string of good looking thoroughbred hunters there for a start or would you like me to run them at one or two hunts to show them at their best. You’ll get the best price at the Shires if they’re up to the Quorn’s standards.” Alan nodded his agreement and ascended to the master bedroom to change out of Martin’s borrowed finery whilst Ruth descended to the kitchen to see what food was available.

When Ralph entered his bedroom he found a young maid sat on the end of the bed. “I really can’t afford to pay you, you know not even to warm my bed.” Tabitha glared at him. “I wasn’t intending to warm your bed but I’m trying to stay hidden from my guardian for four more months before my twenty first birthday and he’s trying to force me into a marriage that will benefit him so I wondered if you’d let me stay here for my board and lodging? I’m Tabitha my lord.” “Wicked uncles have a lot to answer for.” He saw her sudden start. “That was only a guess don’t worry you can stay but turn your back whilst I get changed then stay here until the coach has left. I think the fewer people who know you are here the better and I’d prefer not to know your full name, that will make it easier to deny you’re here should he turn up on the doorstep.” She gave a curtsey in acquiescence. He descended and handed Ralph Martin’s set of clothes. Ralph then set off after giving him his outstanding pay from the strong box.

“I hope you like eggs.” Alan had a premonition about the statement but called Tabitha down to meet the Ruth and Morgan. “Yes I do but why in particular?” “Well it’s all I can cook and besides we have enough laying hens to feed forty servants plus family.” “Meet Ruth and Morgan Tabitha, I don’t suppose you can cook can you?” “Not one of my strong points I’m afraid but I can read a recipe book.” “Of course the wonders of education, well someone needs to read through the estate books for the last ten years and sum them up so looks like you’ve just volunteered.” Tabitha grimaced, still it was better than making fires up. “Given the much reduced staff are we all eating in the kitchen?” Alan nodded “I used to be able to make scones once upon a time if we have flour and butter.” “We have a dairy but you may have dismissed the dairy maids.” Alan had an idea it was going to be a long day.

There was a tap at the open kitchen door and two girls were standing there. “Since you got rid of them all and them cows need milking Dora and I comes for a job.” “There’s not much money but I can run to half a crown a week.” “Each? Does we get fed and a roof over our head?” Ruth chipped in, “You can have a room each if you like.” “Coo not even share a bed? I like this place Mary.” chimed in Dora. Mary looked round the table “Is this all there is of you?” “Why?” “There’ll be extra milk and eggs, I can sell the eggs if you like, me mum can do cheese and butter stuff in return for the extra milk and a few eggs. Old Sam used to be the gardener so he can do the kitchen garden.” “I know in return for a few eggs and milk.” remarked Alan. “He’s right quick him ain’t he.” Dora admired. Ruth looked at the pair, “Can either of you bake bread?” “Dora’s right good if you’ve got the makings.”

There was a tap at the front door, Mary who was passing pulled it open to find the Squire there. Wide eyed she opened the door wide and bid him enter. “They’re all down the kitchen so you’d better join them.” She led the way down to the kitchen table were Alan was listing the unwanted jewellery. “So it’s true then you’re pressed for cash.” “Well if I can raise a little money here I might turn the estate round in ten years or so.” “The only titled bachelor for twenty miles, you’ll be expected to entertain, my two daughters certainly have their hopes set high.” Alan motioned with his hand, “I’ve a skeleton staff working for half wages, we eat the same food until I’m almost sick of eggs, if they feel they’d fit in then invite them over by all means.” “No I don’t think they can think longer than a week so I’ll put them off. The old lord had a fine cellar, if you’re thinking of selling some of that I could be interested.” “According to the books the cellar should be full but we haven’t found it yet.” “Tried the butler’s pantry?”

Everyone looked round the pantry but there wasn’t any sign of any wine. Ruth had a thought and had Morgan pull the table to one side and pull back the carpet. There was a trap door, below a wine cellar. The Squire and Alan came to a mutually satisfactory agreement whereby the Squire would lend his estate workers to repair Alan’s tenants’ homes over the quiet winter period in return for a quantity of the wine.

“I’ve come to collect my ward.” The voice thundered out and his two henchmen forced their way through the door past Dora. Alan stepped out from the library “I’m sorry who are you and whom are you looking for?” “Lord Bennet to you now bring her out.” He turned to his henchmen “Search the place.” “I’m afraid I cannot allow that without the local magistrate’s presence.” “Who’s going to stop us?” Jeered one of the henchmen.

There were two clicks as Mary thumbed the hammers back of the double barrelled shot gun she held in her hand. “I am for a start, and if you’re a Lord I’m the Queen of Sheba.” “Do you know what the penalty is for shooting a Lord?” “I’ll just take your two servants down then shall I? The only reason I haven’t shot them so far is I know who will have to clean the blood off the back of the door. Oh it’ll be your kneecaps that’ll be the target by the way.” The two henchmen back nervously away. “Cowards.” “It’s not your kneecaps that are the target” muttered one quietly.

Ruth stepped forward from the service entrance “Before we end up with blood everywhere why don’t we talk about whom you’re after first.” “My ward ran away and an informant told us she’s taken a job here as a maid.” “Well meet the new Lord Clay, he dismissed all the staff when he arrived saying he couldn’t afford them and all he has hired since are the two maids you can see in front of you and myself. I suggest you try first at the inn in the village but I understand most have travelled to London to find work. But since you’re here I’m sure Lord Clay will give one of you permission to have a look round to satisfy yourself she isn’t hiding anywhere whilst the others have a glass of ale outside by the front door.” Alan took his cue “Gentlemen if you’d care to step outside, the alternative is to collect the magistrate.” Lord Bennet acquiesced. “If the Queen of Sheba would like to lower my shot gun?” Mary lowered the hammers and pointed the gun down at the floor.

Ruth conducted Lord Bennet round the house as his servants were given ale and a bite to eat out the front. Their consensus was it was a wild goose chase and the chances of finding her in London if she wanted to hide herself were zilch. She took him through to the kitchens and down the cellars, thence upstairs to the bedrooms. As he peered under yet another bed at the undisturbed dust on the floor he murmured “I’m not going to find her here am I?” “I don’t think so but we still have another twenty bedrooms, the servants’ quarters and all the trunks in the attics to search yet. Have you checked the wardrobe?” He shrugged his shoulders. “I know when I’m beat.” He put his hand in his pocket and gave her two guinea coins. “There’s another fifty for you let me know where I can find her.” Ruth smiled at him as she pocketed the money.

They waited until the squire’s coach was long gone before opening up the cellar in the butler’s pantry to see Tabitha curled up reading a book by the light filtering in from under the overhanging step that led into the garden. Ruth handed her the two guineas. “He wants you real bad, offering fifty more to anyone who tells him where to find you. You’d better stay inside in case someone else gets tempted.”

“Really papa I’m ashamed of you.” “Now pet if the tales are true and he really is a hard up Viscount he might be just the thing for you and if you don’t like him we can be on our way none the wiser and this way we get to look him over before everyone else starts twisting their ankles on his doorstep.” “Yes but its dishonest going up to the kitchen door like a common pedlar I’m surprised you didn’t think of using pack mules.” “That’s how I started lass and to tell the truth I thought about it then decided a wagon was simpler. I’m not so fast on my feet these days to avoid the kicks from the mules.” The heavily laden wagon rolled to a halt by the kitchen door. Dora opened the door wide to look him over. “If there are any ladies in the house I’ve a range of fine muslins at prices you’ll not see elsewhere.” Mary followed Dora outside. “That expensive are they then?” Lavonia tried to hide her head in shame at the banter between her papa and the girl servants. “I’ve linen by the yard, shirting too, buttons that will practically sew themselves on and as for ribbons well I’ve the finest selection this side of Worthington.” He drew back the canvas covering the wagon sides and let his would be customers look over the goods. Ruth and Alan followed the servants out, and even Tabitha peeked out of the door.

“Lavonia is it really you?” Lavonia looked up “Tabitha, how wonderful to see you. Papa this is Tabitha, the girl I told you about at school who was the only one who’d speak to me.” “What on earth are you doing dressed up as a common pedlar your family hasn’t lost all its money has it?” “No well papa would have it there was a penniless Viscount here so he came by to look him over.” “Oh you mean Alan, Alan why don’t you show Lavonia’s pater the estate whilst I catch up with Lavonia.” Bemused Alan turned to Lavonia’s dad “Well it looks like these two are going to be chatting for a while, would you like to take a look at the estate it’s not in very good shape at the moment but we can see most of it from the front of the house.” “Now where are your two gentle giants?” “Oh them we left them at the gate, Pa thought they looked a bit too obvious for a peddler’s wagon.” “Mary can you walk down and collect them, find them a bite to eat in the kitchen.” “Do you remember when we took them on a picnic?” “Could I ever forget?” “Feeding them strawberries and cream from between our thighs.” “God they were so embarrassed, yes but they did lick all the cream out even when we put more in.” “Weren’t you worried they might go further?” “What and lose their jobs? No they were totally under our control. Would you like them to protect you for the next year or so whilst you go up to London?” “Won’t you miss them?” “Well yes but I’m thinking of getting married.” “Anyone I know?” “Well tell me about your Alan for a start.” “He’s not mine, I couldn’t afford to bring the estate back up to scratch I’m only a modest heiress after all but he’s rather nice, practical like you and came into the title unexpectedly.”

Lavonia wanted to know every last detail about him and was quite surprised when Tabitha mentioned he’d not been sleeping with the maids and been polite when talking to Tabitha. In fact when the two men returned from looking over the estate they were greeted by “Pa I’ll have him.”