Rice
When the guy said I had better like rice, he wasn't kidding. Maybe I'll get back to that later.
I got here two weeks ago. The first week was a bit of a challenge. I came in on a 21 day visa. I need to get to a Bureau of Immigration office this week to get an extended tourist visa. That gives me an extra sixty days to figure out how to proceed on the plan or re-up for yet another 60 days. I can do the extended visas over and over for over a year. Someone told me for US citizens it is three years now. But I will find out when I get to the immigration office.
OK, I've got to say this about the females. Yes many of them are beautiful but, there are some amazingly ugly gals here too. Just saying, you know, it is a mixed bag but, in truth, there are an amazing number of 8's, 9's and a few 10's to see.
I'm leasing a small house on a monthly basis for now. The place is 'furnished' by their standards. It falls a bit short of mine but, I hear the warning in my head from the earlier emails. I need to accept I am not in the U.S. of A anymore.
The toilet is so small it is just damned funny. You can shit, shower, and shave in a five by four foot room. The kitchen is an 8 CuF fridge, a two burner hotplate, a shallow sink built into a concrete counter and covered with cheap tile.
I am looking for something far better but, at ₱3,500 monthly, which is currently worth $77.80, I am not complaining.
The weather is warm to hot. No question about it. I need a fan on me at night to get any shut eye. Once I find a longer term place I will invest in an air conditioner. They call it an aircon. That's something I am learning here. Everything is shortened, made smaller, thinner, lessened. Snack food bags are tiny and hold tiny amounts. Soft drink bottles hold less liquid. Chairs and sofas are smaller and lower to the ground. They are also not padded nearly as well. Sometimes I feel like the chairs are all rejects from elementary schools back home. ... 'Back home,' now that is a concept that I need to jettison if I plan to stay here. This is home. Anyway, all things, including words are shortened. Why say air conditioner when you can say aircon? Why say toilet, or rest room, or comfort room, when you can say CR? Why say fridge when you can say ref?
It takes me exactly forty-eight hours after arriving to get female companionship and I wasn't trying. I simply sit down to eat a bite for lunch at a street side place with tables and chairs on the sidewalk when a pretty gal in her thirties asks me if I am with anyone. I say I am not and she asks me if she might sit with me. Sure, I answer and in short order, while I am served and eating, I am also fielding a round of questions. She wants to know: why I am in the Philippines; whom I am visiting; why this province; if I am married; how old am I; do I like rice; and so on.
Some of her questions I can answer honestly but, one I will shade a bit. I tell her I am in the Philippines to retire. I am not visiting anyone. I chose this province because it allows me to make my money go further. No, I am not married and I am 55. The rice bit is something I find funny. I am eating rice while she asks me the question. I say as much. She looks nonplussed.
No, I not make myself so you understand. My cousin, she marry a man from Utah. She tell me he only want potato or bread. He eat rice if he have no choice but, he not want this. You like that maybe?
Nah, I'm OK with rice.
Really?
Yeh.
This good then. So you like girls?
Excuse me?
You like have a girlfriend? Maybe me?
Why you ask about girls and not women?
We are girls? Correct?
Huh, OK, yeh, sure, I guess.
Yes you want me for a girlfriend?
I just have to laugh. I don't even know her name. I do not know if she is what I am looking for. But in the middle of my laughing I remember something I read in one of the stories.
I don't know you well enough. We can see if we can be girlfriend and boyfriend but, no promises now. OK?
Yes, yes. I agree. We find out. Good. Very good.
Now, what is your name?
Her name is Eunice but she is called Jenny. Don't ask me why, because she cannot explain it and so I don't know. She is thirty-five with two kids, boys aged eighteen and fifteen. She is married but separated for the last twelve years in reality if not legally. Also in reality she is not one for me but, I didn't promise her anything. I ask her what she is going to do right now, after we leave here.
She slips up and answers in Tagalog. Wala lang1. Sorry, sorry, I have no plans. May I see where you live?
That can't be more obvious but, I play along. Sure, it is close to here.
We walk along dirt roads. We pass what amount to stores but, they are little more than roadside stands, about seven feet wide and maybe ten feet deep. Each with what amounts to a counter, except for the barber shop. Each sells some things, vegetables, or fruit, or plumbing supplies, or electrical supplies, or eggs, or fish. There are a few dozen of these places. We turn a couple of corners passing simple bamboo huts and squat concrete structures suited for some commercial purpose. In short order we come to my very humble abode painted a faded yellow and a dull red. I am told it is forty square meters, or about 400 square feet. To me it is humble but, it isn't humble to her.
Oh, I dream I will have a house like this before I die! You are very lucky in life I think.
And then we walk in the door and the tune changes. Oh! Your maid, she is very lazy! This place is not right! You must fire her immediately! I will get you a good maid!
For starters, there is no maid. I am taking care of things and I thought I had done a dandy job. Jenny obviously is of a different opinion. As to getting a maid, no I do not want her getting me a maid. That sounds like a matter of staking out her turf and it is exactly what I don't want.
Jenny, thank you for your offer but, I will get a maid myself. How much does one cost?
You should not give her any more than two thousand five hundred pesos. Where will you get a maid? You not know anyone.
I will consult with the landlord. So what is wrong with the place?
The dishes not covered. You must never leave them out like this! Some of your foods must put in sealed plastic containers. The ants get in. They ruin things if you not do that. Curtains need washing. Walls need washing. Where the broom2 by front door? This floor gritty. After floor cleaned it need wax. You not wear shoes inside house. Put slippers at the door.
I see. OK I think you have made your point. I will get a maid.
Satisfied, Jenny relaxes. At maybe five foot two, she is actually taller than many of the other women here. Her hair is a little longer than shoulder length and is the normal black. Her eyes are brown. Her complexion is very light. She carries an umbrella and uses it, while we were walking, to keep the sun off her. I say umbrella and not a parasol because it is no frilly Victorian cloth thing. It is a real umbrella. Her shoes are standard issue poolside flip-flops. Nothing more. Hers are red and white. She is dressed in a long sleeved blouse and multi-color leggings.
We sit outside on the small terrace under the extended roof from the house. There is not much breeze but at least we are out of the sun. We shoot the shit for an hour before Jenny announces that there is somewhere she must be. I should get the place cleaned up via a maid. Later when the house is more presentable, she will return.
And leave she does at about mid-afternoon. I text the landlord about getting suggestions for a good maid. I don't get any suggestions. What I do get is a seventeen-year-old girl, a black eyed, black-haired, beauty, who is calling from the street, Ay-oooo! Ay-oooo!
I greet her, asking what she needs. She is perplexed. I ask her in a slightly different way and get the response, I your maid, Sir Ronald.
Who sent you?
Sir Albert, your landlord.
What's your name?
Elvie.
How old are you, Elvie?
Seventeen, Sir Ronald.
Where do you live?
Here?
Excuse me? I asked, where are you living?
Sir, if I your maid, I will live here!
Where is your family?
Far away, Sir. They not live in the city. I come here alone. I think I stay with my Tita3, my aunt, but she not here. I not know where she goes.
You know I live here alone?
Yes, Sir! Sir Albert tell me that. He ask me, 'Elvie, that OK?' I tell him, yes.
Maybe you can be my maid. We will see. Come in and tell me what needs to be done.
Head down and shuffling along with stooped shoulders, so as to make herself as small as possible, she enters through the gate grasping a plastic sack, much like a garbage bag, passes me on her way to the house's front door, which is standing open. She gasps. Sir, OMG! Sir, there is so much to do. How you live here like this. This so wrong!
You'll do, I think. Elvie, you are hired. Get your things. You can start in the morning.
These my things, and she holds the bag up for me to see. I start now. Please Sir, where the broom?
Look in that room, I say, pointing to a bedroom. She scurries off. Honestly that is what she did. I don't think any other word would do justice to her actions. When she returns I ask, OK where do we start?
Oh! No, Sir! You sit. I do this. In two hours the place looks very different. But it is time to eat and I am about to cook something for the two of us as I gather that is part of the deal, when she comes unstuck! Sir, NO! I cook! I cook! You must not!
She looks at what I have and announces she needs a few things from the store. Do I want to get them, or may she? I tell her she can go and give her some cash to make the purchases.
She is gone and back in no time at all. Food is ready in under an hour. I am expecting that it will be passable and won't put me in the hospital. What she serves is damned tasty and it, of course, includes a large serving of rice. I just about over eat, which evidently makes Elvie a happy girl.
Elvie does not eat with me. I ask her why. Sir, I your maid, I not think I do that.
Elvie, will you eat with me if I ask you to do it?
Sir?
Will you?
Yes, Sir. If you require, I do it.
After the meal Elvie returns to cleaning and is still cleaning when I announce it is time for bed. She can start again in the morning. She will sleep in the room I am not using. It is too small for me but not for Elvie, it would seem. I will not touch Elvie for fear that she will then think she is 'the girlfriend.' A maid is one thing. A girlfriend living with me is quite another. I need to maintain control. It is something that I think I have learned from the stories I have read.
Morning comes on this third day. I now have a house and a maid and evidently a woman who wants to be my girlfriend. Let her want it and let Elvie see that. How did that guy put it? I need to play for the long game.
Morning brings with it breakfast of boiled banana and a course dark sugar4, plus some instant Nescafe coffee. It works for me. By noon the house looks completely different. I think it is done. Elvie says no, we need to paint the place. I stop her at that point and explain that this is temporary. We need a larger place and maybe later I will build a house.
How big this next house you want?
Elvie, I want a house with at least four bedrooms and space outside.
Why? It just you!
For now, Elvie, yes. But later it will be different.
You want me to look for this? Maybe I get a better price than you can get.
Sure, you can look. How much will such a house cost?
Maybe too much! I think maybe ₱8,000 a month! So much money!
If you can find such a house, please find it.
OK, I go after I make you lunch. What you want?
Do we have any more of what you made last night?
No, sorry. It is gone. You like noodles maybe?
Yeh, noodles are fine.
OK, I make.
Elvie does make a simple and tasty noodle dish, with rice!, before disappearing for hours. For most of that time I am puttering around, and using my smartphone with a local SIM to surf the web a bit. I am in no big hurry. Around 4PM Jenny calls out, Ay-oooo!, from outside the gate. I am sitting on the terrace. It's just too hot to be inside at the moment. I just call out, Come in.
As she walks to the terrace, a smile on her face becomes a little more animated. She is already noting some changes. We greet each other with a peck on the cheek before she tilts her head to the front door and asks, May I?
Go right ahead. I sit outside. I am confident that all is OK. I don't need to hover. A couple of minutes later Jenny is sitting by my side. That fast. How you find a maid like that?
My landlord knew someone. He sent her over. I think she does a good job.
She living here. Should I get jealous? Maybe she younger and prettier.
Jenny, she is the maid. We are in separate bedrooms and I have not touched her. Yes she is younger. Prettier? That is a hard thing to judge. But she is the maid and not a girlfriend.
OK. Good. Where she?
Looking for a nicer place for me.
You not like this one? I think it nice.
No, I want a little larger place. Jenny, will you stay for supper?
You want me stay here?
For supper. Maybe we will spend a night together. We will see. Maybe it is too soon.
Yes, OK. I agree. OK, yes. I want to meet your maid. I will see how she cooks.
We spend the next half an hour with me asking her about her boys, why her marriage fell apart and related matters. I am filling time until Elvie gets home.
When Elvie does arrive, she takes the addition of Jenny on the terrace in stride. The two talk in Ilonggo for a brief time, before Elvie all but panics and apologizes for not speaking English in front of me. I have not mentioned anything like that to her but, I am not going to tell her differently. Jenny also apologizes. I ignore it all and instead ask Elvie if there is enough food for one more tonight.
Of course, yes! No problem. I will get it ready now. And off she dashes.
I would be worried about that one but, she is dark and so not a problem.
Goddamn, if these women are not racists, then they're something close to it. If I wanted a white woman, I could have stayed at home or if I wanted someone a bit younger than I could find at home, there are white women in South America. Jenny doesn't get it. I don't give a shit about her color. Yeh, Jenny is lighter skinned than Elvie but, neither are white. Still I say nothing and just smile. Tonight I am teaching Elvie that there will be other women around. If Elvie works out, she will be mine but, she will never have me exclusively.
Dinner is damned good. It is something they call pinakbet with coconut milk, over rice. There is a bit of pork in it for flavoring, Jenny tells me, but it is considered a vegetable dish. Just one you can't serve to a vegetarian. There is Sprite on the table for Jenny. I am drinking a beer. Elvie decides to not eat with us. I overrule her and tell her to fill her plate and sit down. You are the maid. But a maid deserves respect too.
I am too shy, Sir. I no want to.
Jenny tells me to not push it. I agree, for tonight, to go along with that suggestion. Tomorrow is another thing.
Jenny takes her leave after dinner and Elvie immediate asks, That why we need bigger house? For her two boys?
No, Elvie, it is not. Now what did you find?
I not find a place with four bedrooms. I find a place with six but they want ₱9,500. I tell them, 'too much!' Then they say ₱9,000. I say maybe we answer tomorrow.
Can I see it?
Yes, Sir. I have the keys. I give them back tomorrow if you not like. But we not need such a big house. I think it is too much for me to clean.
I will get you help if I take the house.
Sir, really why such a big house?
Elvie, you will see later. But why are you worried? Do you plan on being with me a long time?
Sir? Why I not want to stay? This is a good life.
For now but, you will find a boy, you will fall in love and leave your job as a maid.
No, I not do that.
Yes, you will. The only way you will stay is if you belong to me. If you give me your body and children. Then you will stay. But you will never be my wife and I will always have other women. So I think you will not stay.
Why you say you have many women? I think Jenny not know that! You are bad. I tell Jenny.
Go ahead. I don't care if I ever see her again. But if you do, you can leave too.
You fire me?
No, Elvie. I only fire you if you disobey me. If you obey, you will stay forever.
I think about it.
1 - Nothing.
2 - A soft short broom made of rice stalks.
3 - Aunt is Tita. Uncle is Tito. [Pronounced tee-TAH and tee-TOE].
4 - Muscovado Sugar.