Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Horn, By Asexual Guy

   IMPORTANT WARNING: If you're looking for a really sexy story to
masturbate to, you probably shouldn't read this one.  This story only has
one sex scene in it, and it's not particularly arousing.



   I don't watch pornographic films, but from what I've gathered, they all
have the same basic script:

   INT.  HOUSE - DAY

   We see A MAN having sex with A WOMAN.

   MAN (moans)

   WOMAN (moans)

   They continue to have sex.

   END

   A few years ago, I thought it would be interesting if they made a
pornographic film that crossed genres, you know, sort of like a romantic
comedy, except in this case it would be a pornographic comedy.  The script
would probably look like this:

   INT HOUSE - DAY

   A MAN is talking to a WOMAN.

   MAN How penises does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

   WOMAN I don't know, how many?

   MAN Three, but it only takes on penis to screw you!

   WOMAN (laughs)

   The two of them have sex.

   END

   I shared this idea with James, who is this guy I liked to annoy.  He
said it was an incredibly stupid idea (which is true), so I decided to go
ahead and do it, making up a horror-themed porno ("Horn"), starring James
as the man with the one-inch penis.

   James was pissed off that I named the one-inched penis man after him, so
I figured it was a good idea.  I came up with an incredibly stupid plot
about how James Smalldick (that was his name) would take some sort of
penis-lengthening medicine and he'd go totally out of control and blow up
the world or something like that.

   James got fed up with me and went away, and then I forgot about the
story I made up because it was stupid and served no purpose other than
pissing James off.  Anyway, I recently recovered a copy of that stupid
plot, and I decided what the hell, I'd go ahead and write the story in case
somebody likes it.

   --

   James Smalldick had a small dick.  For some reason, his penis was only
an inch long, whether erect or not.  He tried asking his doctor about it,
but that didn't work out so well:

   "So, Mr..." the doctor checked his clipboard, "Um, Smalldick, what's the
problem?"

   "It's my penis, Doctor," James said.  "It's too small."

   The doctor scowled.  "Very funny, Mr.  'Small Dick'.  What's the real
problem?"

   "That _is_ the problem," James said.  "Please have a look."

   The doctor frowned again, and said, "Okay, I'll look at your penis, but
if this is some immature joke, I'll make sure never to see you again."

   James took off his clothes, and the doctor examined his penis.

   "Penises are usually small when they're not erect," the doctor said. 
"There's nothing wrong with your penis being small while flaccid."

   "But my penis is erect!" James said.

   "Oh, come on, no penis is _that_ small when erect!  Why..."

   The doctor took a closer look at James' penis and saw that he wasn't
lying.

   "Your penis is normally like this, Mr.  ahem, _Small_dick?" the doctor
said, surpressing a giggle.

   "Don't laugh!" James said.

   When James said this, the doctor found it impossible to hold back his
laughter.  James grumpily put his clothes back on while his doctor pounded
a desk, trying to get all the laughs out.

   "I see what your problem is!" the doctor said, howling.  "You want me to
help you find a good _assissted suicide doctor_, right?  HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

   James left the office in a huff.  The doctor was still laughing as he
slammed the door behind him.

   His doctor wasn't the only one who laughed at him.  Every girl he had
ever been with laughed at him when she found out about the size of his
penis.  Two of them had laughed so hard that they fell down and cracked
their ribs.  He was sick of it.  He was sick of being laughed at.  He was
sick of no girl ever taking him seriously.  But, sadly, there was nothing
he could do about it.

   --

   James worked as the lunchroom supervisor at a top-secret government
laboratory.  Basically, he had to spend all day in the sound-proofed
lunchroom and set the alarm in case there was a fire.  But since there
never were any fires, James spent all his time playing solitaire on the
computer and flirting with the cute girls in the lunchroom.

   "Good morning, James," smiled Dr.  Perris.  Dr.  Perris was one of the
various doctors who worked at the laboratory, and, in James' opinon, she
easily fell into the category of "cute employees he liked to flirt with".
She always took her lunch break in the morning, first thing when she got to
work, so that her work day would go uninterrupted.

   James didn't say anything to Dr.  Perris.  He just scowled at her, since
he was still grumpy from the visit he had with his doctor.  _Why bother
flirting with Dr.  Perris?_ he thought.  _She'll never want to have sex
with me!  She'll just laugh at me, like everyone else!_

   "James, what's wrong?" Dr.  Perris asked, concerned.

   "IT'S MY PENIS!" James bellowed.

   Dr.  Perris stepped back.  She wasn't used to men shouting to her about
their penises.

   "IT'S TOO DAMN SMALL!" he kept shouting.  "MY NAME IS JAMES SMALLDICK,
AND I HAVE A SMALL DICK!  I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT!"

   Dr.  Perris suddenly wished that there was somebody else in the room
besides her and James.  She tried to think of a delicate way to quickly get
away, then call security to tell them the lunchroom monitor had gone
insane.

   "Well, James..." Dr.  Perris said, speaking very carefully.  "I'm sure
your penis can't be..._too_ small."

   "OH YEAH?!" bellowed James.  "TAKE A LOOK!!!"

   James ripped off his belt and his pants fell down as Dr.  Perris tried
very hard to remember what the official rules on sexual harassment were. 
But before she could remember anything, James pulled down his boxers and
started wagging his penis in her face.

   "YOU SEE?  YOU SEE?  IT'S LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME!" he shouted.  "ONE
INCH LONG!  THAT'S ALL!"

   Dr.  Perris smiled.

   James' face turned purple.  "DON'T LAUGH AT ME!" he yelled.  "I HATE IT
WHEN PEOPLE LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE OF MY GODDAMN PENIS!!!"

   "I wasn't laughing," Dr.  Perris said, coolly.  "I was smiling.  I think
I just found a perfect test subject."

   James stopped shouting.  "What?" he asked.

   "Just let me check a few rules and we can go," Dr.  Perris said,
gathering her things and running to the door.

   Just after she left, she stuck her head back in the door and said, "You
can pull your pants back up, now."

   The secretary who happened to overhear this while passing by choked on
her coffee.

   --

   Four hours later, James was worried.  Dr.  Perris had told him to report
to her lab, but she didn't say what for.  Was he going to be fired for his
crazy outburst?  And what did Dr.  Perris mean by "the perfect test
subject"?  _There's only one way to find out_ James thought to himself, as
he entered Dr.  Perris' lab.

   "Ah, you're here, James," Dr.  Perris said, writing something on a
clipboard.

   "Look, Dr.  Perris..." James began.

   "Call me Ana," she said, not looking up.

   "Ana?" James asked.

   "I like to be on a first-name basis with all the men who wave their
penises in my face," she said.

   James blushed.  "I'm sorry about that," he said.  "I was really upset
and I didn't mean to-"

   "Yes, yes, I sort of figured that," Ana said, interrupting James again.
"I hope you don't do that often."

   "It won't happen again," promised James.

   "Good.  Now you're probably wondering why you're here."

   "I am, yes."

   "Well, James, I have been doing research on sexual enhancers the past
few months, and I need someone to test Horn."

   "What?"

   "Horn.  It's a penis-growing forumla I've designed.  It will make your
penis grow an inch longer every day until you take the antidote.  I just
need a test subject to prove it works."

   "An inch every day?"

   "Yes, every night at midnight, your penis should expand so it is an inch
longer."

   James couldn't believe something like that could exist.  "What do I have
to do?"

   "Take the formula.  But before you do, I have to take a few blood
samples and X-rays and that sort of thing, so I can chart your progress
accurately."

   "And this works?"

   "It should.  We'll find out when you take it.  So will you?"

   James had to think for a second.  Maybe being a human guinea pig wasn't
such a good idea.  What if something went wrong and he ended up with an
even _smaller_ penis?  "Have you tested this out on anyone else?" James
asked.

   "Nope, you'll be the first," Ana said.

   James wasn't sure if he was willing to take the risk of trying out some
unknown formula on the odd chance it would make his penis bigger, but then
again, he _did_ want his penis to get bigger...

   "I sure hope you'll agree to this, James," Ana said, pretending to be
casual.  "If you don't, I may have to go to my boss and tell him about how
I was sexually harassed in the lunchroom today, and you'd be fired and
everything."

   James gulped.  "No need to resort to blackmail," he said.  "I'll do it."

   "Then sign here," Ana said, slipping a form into his hand.  "And I'll
get the tests ready."

   James signed his name.

   Could it really happen?  Could his years of being small-dicked finally
be coming to an end?

   It's too bad that James didn't know the truth...that Horn would be the
most dangerous thing he had ever taken.  [Author's note:
Ooooo....suspenseful].

   --

   Most other men would probably flip for the opportunity to be pantless in
Ana's lab after hours, but James was nervous as hell.  Ana had made him
take only one drop of her secret formula because she maintained it was very
powerful, and James was uneasy knowing that an incredibly powerful
substance that could cause unknown effects was inside his body.

   Ana stared intently at his penis, then checked her watch.  "It's almost
midnight," she said.  "It should be expanding soon..."

   As soon as midnight came, James felt a shockwave go through his body. 
All the blood left his head, and his penis felt like it was on fire.  It
only lasted a few seconds, and when it was over, James noticed that...

   "It worked," Ana said, writing something down.

   "It worked!" James cried.  "My penis is twice as big as it used to be!"

   "Don't get too excited," Ana said.  "Your penis is still smaller than
the average crayon."

   "I can't believe it!" James cried.  "It's more than I ever dreamed of!"
James grabbed Ana and kissed her on the lips.

   He realized what he was doing two seconds later and broke off,
embarrassed.  Ana seemed embarrassed, too.  She turned around to avoid
looking at James and made more notes on her notepad.

   "Subject is extremely pleased," she said, "as expected.  Horn is a
definite success."

   --

   All throughout the next day, James couldn't believe it.  His penis was
twice as big as it had been yesterday.  He felt like showing it off to the
whole world, except that was illegal.  He settled for imaging how long his
penis would grow if this continued, and how he could rub it in the face of
everyone who had made fun of him for having a small dick.

   _In a week, it'll be nine inches long,_ James thought.  _In another
week, it'll be sixteen inches long.  And in another week, it'll be TWENTY
INCHES LONG!!!  YES!!! ...Wait a minute, sixteen plus seven isn't
twenty...it's...um...carry the one...twenty-three!_

   "MY PENIS WILL BE TWENTY-THREE INCHES LONG!" he shouted at the top of
his lungs.

   The secretary who was eating lunch choked on her sandwich.  She coughed
it out onto her plate and said, "WHAT?"

   "Never mind," he said.

   --

   James was euphoric about Horn, and quite prepared to nominate Ana for a
Nobel Prize as the week went on, as his penis kept getting bigger and
bigger.  It wasn't until the sixth night that Ana noticed something was
_strange_ about James.

   "I'm going to change my name," he said.  "It's no longer James Smalldick
for me.  From now on, I'm going to be James Largedick."

   "That's very clever of you," Ana said, rolling her eyes.

   "Man, the next girl I fuck is going to have the time of her life," James
said.

   "James, let's keep the conversation G-rated," Ana said.

   "Aw, c'mon, I bet you can't wait to have this monster crashing in and
out of your pussy," James said.

   Ana was shocked.  "Mr.  Smalldick!"

   "Largedick," James corrected.

   "Whatever," Ana said.  "Please stop being so vulgar, or I'll call
security."

   "Don't play hard to get, Ana," James smiled.  "I know you want me to
fuck your brains out.  I'm only too happy to provide."

   _This isn't good_ Ana thought.

   --

   While James waited for his penis to grow to eight inches, Ana
double-checked her medical charts on James, then put the samples she had
taken from James back in the machine.  "Let's do a new test this time," she
said to herself.  "Let's check what James' testosterone levels are."

   The screen flashed bright red.  "Holy shit," Ana said.  "That can't be
right." She set the computer to check the samples again, but unlike Ana's
bitch of a sister, the computer wasn't lying to her.

   "Damn," Ana said.  "No wonder James is being such a horny bastard.  He's
full of more testosterone than a steroid junkie.  That can't be good for
his health."

   Ana ran a computer simulation to see what would happen if James' body
kept getting pumped full of testosterone at that rate.  The results weren't
good, to say the least.

   "Holy shit!" Ana cried.  "He's going to die the day after tomorrow?!"

   --

   James could tell something was wrong when Ana returned from her office.

   "What's wrong?" he asked.  "Don't have a man to satisfy you?  Don't
worry," he said, patting his penis.  "I can take care of that."

   "James," Ana said.  "I've checked things out.  Your testosterone levels
are dangerously high.  You've got to take the antidote and stop your penis
growth."

   "No way!  I'm not going back to my one-inch penis!"

   "It won't get any smaller," Ana assured him.  "We just need to put a
temporary hold on Horn for safety reasons.  You _are_ the first test
subject, remember?"

   "No way," James said.  "I'm not going to stop now.  My penis is just
about to reach eight inches!"

   "James, if you don't do this, you're going to die," Ana said.  "As soon
as your penis reaches ten inches, you'll drop dead.  That is, unless you
take this." Ana handed him a small cup with two drops of the antidote
inside.

   "Two drops?" James asked.

   "The antidote is _very_ powerful," Ana said.  "Taking too much is more
dangerous than taking too little."

   James wasn't sure about taking the antidote, but Ana _did_ know what was
best for him.  He raised the cup to his lips and was about to drink when
midnight struck.  His penis grew another inch and a fresh batch of
testosterone flooded his body.

   James scowled, then threw the antidote in Ana's face.

   "Screw that!" he shouted.  "I'm not taking the antidote!"

   "But James, you'll die!"

   "I'd rather be dead than have a small penis!  You bitch!"

   James threw a punch at Ana, who managed to dodge.  She grabbed the can
of mace she kept in her purse and hit James in the face with it.

   "OW!  YOU FUCKING BITCH!" he shouted.

   "James, listen to yourself!" Ana pleaded.  "That's not _you_ talking! 
You would _never_ talk to me like that!  Please, take the antidote and get
back to normal!"

   "NEVER!  FUCK YOU!" he said, while giving her a black eye.

   As he left, he shouted, "NEXT TIME I'LL FUCK YOU UNTIL YOUR ASS TURNS
RAW!  YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!"

   --

   The next day, Ana brought some coffee with her to the lunch room.

   "James, I'm sorry about last night," Ana lied.  "I was totally out of
line."

   "You bet your ass you were!  How dare you stop my penis from growing?!"

   "I know," she said, pouring a cup of coffee.  "Look, why don't you have
a cup of coffee with me, and we can discuss it further?"

   James eyed the coffee.  "You bitch," he said.

   "Excuse me?"

   "YOU BITCH!" he screamed.  "THAT'S THE ANTIDOTE!  YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD
TRICK ME?!"

   "No, James, it's-"

   "DON'T LIE, YOU STUPID BITCH!"

   Ana sighed.  "Okay, it _is_ the antidote."

   "I KNEW IT!"

   "James, you have to take it!  If you don't, it's fatal!"

   "SHUT UP!!!"

   Ana touched her black eye.  "Do you see what this is, James?  You gave
it to me.  You're dangerous now.  Please, take the antidote."

   "NEVER!!!"

   James picked her up and threw her against the wall.

   "I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR STUPID ASS EVER AGAIN!" he bellowed.  "UNLESS
THERE'S NOTHING COVERING IT!"

   A moment of confusion broke through Ana's fear.  "What?" she asked.

   "Nothing on your ass, you stupid bitch!" James shouted.  "You come in
here naked, ready to fuck me, and maybe then we'll talk about that goddamn
antidote."

   Ana left the room as fast as possible.

   James stuck his head out of the lunchroom.  "Yeah!  YEAH!  Shake your
tight ass!" he shouted.

   The passing secretary choked on her coffee.

   --

   "That maniac," said Ana, rubbing her various bruises.  "You know what? I
don't care if gets the antidote or not.  Let him die.  He signed the forms
absolving me of all blame for what happens to him, after all."

   She decided to take the rest of the day off.

   --

   James didn't show up at Ana's lab that midnight, which is just as well,
because Ana didn't show up either.  Instead, James was alone in his room as
he watched his penis grown to nine inches.

   "ALL RIGHT!" he screamed, spit flying from his lips.  "ALL RIGHT!"

   James opened the window and shouted, "I AM THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!!"

   "No, you're not!" James' neighbor shouted back at him.  "I am!"

   "FUCK OFF!!!" James shouted.

   --

   Ana avoided the lunch room as she went to work the next day.  Instead,
she went straight to her office and turned her computer on.  The first
thing to pop up was the simulation she had on James.

   "Yeah, yeah, yeah, the asshole is going to die tonight," Ana said,
scanning over the results.  "Good riddance."

   She was about to shut off the computer when she noticed something
shocking.  "It can't be...that's...that's...impossible..."

   But the computer seemed to disagree.

   "Oh my God," she said.  "The...the world..."

   She gulped.  "If James doesn't take that antidote before midnight...the
world is going to explode."

   --

   Ana went straight to the head of the facility, Dr.  Albert Hormowster,
and explained the situation.

   "Let me get this straight," he said.  "You say that if his penis grows
to be ten inches long, the world will explode."

   "That's right," she said.

   "And that's tonight, at midnight."

   "Yes."

   "That sounds like a plot taken from a really shitty online story," he
said.

   "I know it does," Ana said, "but this is serious!"

   "Hmmm...I wasn't aware that Horn could end up so problematic...No
matter. I'm the boss around here, so I can make him take the antidote."

   Dr.  Hormowster pressed the intercom button on his desk and said, "Mr.
Smalldick, please report to Dr.  Hormowster's office immediately." Dr. 
Hormowster turned to Dr.  Perris and said, "Ana, you should leave.  James
would probably go ballistic if he saw you again.  He could give you
something much worse than a black eye."

   "Okay," Ana agreed.  "Where should I go?"

   "Go to your lab," Dr.  Hormowster said.  "I'll let you know if I can get
him to take the antidote."

   "And if he doesn't?" Ana asked.

   "Then I will have to take more serious steps to ensure that he does,"
Dr. Hormowster said.  "This _is_ a top-secret government facility, Doctor.
I can have the President here in less than an hour.  Trust me; I can take
care of this situation.  Now go to your lab."

   Ana did as she was told.

   --

   James entered Dr.  Hormowster's office promptly.



   "Ah, Mr.  Smalldick, good to see you," Dr.  Hormowster said.

   "No," James said softly.

   "Excuse me?"

   "I'm not Mr.  Smalldick anymore.  From now one, I'm James Largedick."

   "Good for you."

   "LARGE DICK!  I HAVE A LARGE DICK!  NINE FUCKING INCHES!"

   "That's what I want to talk about.  I understand you tested Horn?"

   "I did."

   "We're cutting the funding for that project."

   "That Ana Perris is a hot piece of ass, isn't she?  Too bad she doesn't
put out."

   Dr.  Hormowster chose to ignore this.  "Yes, well, since we're stopping
the tests, we need you to take the antidote."

   "NO!" James shouted.  "I'LL DIE BEFORE I DO THAT!"

   "As I understand it, you will die if you don't.  And not just you, but
everyone else."

   "What?"

   "James, let me put it delicately: if you don't take the antidote before
midnight tonight, the world...will explode."

   "The world will _explode_?"

   "Yes."

   "Then let it!" James laughed.  "Let the world explode!  I'm not taking
that antidote!"

   "James, unless you take the antidote, I will force security to-"

   James picked up Dr.  Hormowster's desk and threw it out the window. 
"You'll ask security to WHAT?"

   "Oh my," Dr.  Hormowster said.

   --

   An hour later, Dr.  Hormowster was standing in the remains of his
office, talking to Rachel Cordon, the President of the United States.

   "All of the security guards working together couldn't subdue him," Dr.
Hormowster explained.

   "Is the security qualified?" President Cordon asked.

   "Of course!  This is a top-level facility!"

   "And yet you still need a lunchroom monitor..."

   Ana interrupted.  "James is currently a testosterone-filled maniac.  It
would be near-impossible for any security, including your secret service,
to stop him."

   "I see.  And what happened next?"

   "He left."

   "Where to?"

   "Apparently, he just went home."

   "I see.  In that case...I'll blow up his house."

   "What?"

   "Kill him before he kills the world.  It appears there's no getting
through to him."

   "No!" Ana said.  "You can't do that!"

   "The fate of the world is more important than the fate of Mr. 
Smalldick, Miss Perris.  He has to be sacrificed.  What other choice do I
have?"

   "I think I know how we can stop him," Ana said.  "The thing he wants
most in the world is to have sex with me, right?"

   "You have quite a high opinion of yourself," President Cordon noted. 
"What does having sex with him have to do with the antidote?"

   Ana smiled.  "Everything," she said.

   --

   James was alone in his room when Ana came in, naked.

   "James," she said.  "Fuck me."

   "What?"

   "I need you to fuck me.  I want your big fat penis inside me.  I can't
wait to feel what nine inches feels like.  Fuck me, you stud!"

   James didn't need any further convincing.  He ripped his clothes off his
clothes and aimed his penis at Ana's crotch.

   "Hold on," she said.  "You don't want to do that."

   "YES I DO!" he screamed dangerously.

   "I mean that you have to give me oral sex before screwing me," Ana said
quickly.

   "Why?"

   "It's science.  If you give me two orgasms before having sex with me,
it'll feel better.  You want it to feel better, don't you?"

   "Of course I do!"

   --

   President Cordon and Dr.  Hormowster were listening to James' and Ana's
conversation thanks to the two-way microphone hidden in Ana's ear. 
President Cordon rolled her eyes.  "That's the dumbest thing I've ever
heard," she said, "and I work with politicians every day.  If that man had
any brains, he would have realized that Ana was up to something."

   "Thinking isn't his strong point," Dr.  Hormowster said.  "That's why
he's just a lunchroom monitor."

   President Cordon checked her watch.  "It's almost ten o'clock," she
noted.  "Why is it so dark outside?"

   "It's not almost ten o'clock," Dr.  Hormowster said.  "It's almost
midnight.  Didn't you reset your watch when you came into our time zone?"

   "But midnight's when...shit," President Cordon said.  "I thought we had
more time than this!  We've got to bomb James' house in case Miss Perris'
plan doesn't work!"

   President Cordon hit the switch on the microphone so she could talk to
Ana.  "Miss Perris!" she shouted.  "Get out of there, NOW!"

   --

   But Ana couldn't hear the President; she was having the orgasm of her
life.  James had given her not two, but three orgasms.  It wasn't that he
planned on doing so, it was just that she seemed unable to stop, even when
he pulled away from her.

   "Oh God...James...JAMES!" Ana moaned in pleasure.

   "Just wait 'til I start fucking you," James grinned.

   James slid his penis inside of Ana.  "Hey, it DOES feel better!" he
cried, even though he had no way of knowing if this was true or not.

   Ana orgasmed for a fourth time.  "Oh God...."

   She orgasmed a fifth time.

   "Yes!" James screamed.  "You love it!"

   She orgasmed a sixth time.

   --

   President Cordon tensed.  Something was wrong.

   "Miss Perris can't hear me," she said.  "She can't stop orgasming.  That
is definitely not good."

   --

   By the fortieth orgasm, which took less that three minutes to reach, Ana
lost consciousness.

   If James had been his normal self, he would have suspected something was
wrong, but James _wasn't_ his normal self; he was being overrun by a
strange swirl of hormones rushing through his body.  And as midnight drew
closer, one of those hormones in turn drew closer to the destruction of the
world...

   --

   "Shit shit shit!" President Cordon said.  "There's not enough time to
blow up James' house!  We'll just have to pray that Miss Perris' plan
worked!"

   President Cordon and Dr.  Hormowster waited as the seconds ticked down.
When the clock hit midnight, there was a loud scream from James over the
radio, and everything went silent.

   The President hit the silent radio.  "Is this thing broken?" she asked.

   "We're not dead," Dr.  Hormowster said.  "Ana's plan must have worked!
We saved the world!"

   "But why did the radio die?" President Cordon asked.

   Dr.  Hormowster shrugged.  "James and Ana must have stopped making
noise," he said.

   The President gasped.  She ran out of the car and into James' apartment,
closely follwed by her secret service and not-so-closely followed by Dr. 
Hormowster.

   Lying in James's room, unconscious, or maybe dead, was James and Ana.

   --

   James woke up two days later to find his boss and President watching
him.

   "I...what...what happened?  What's going on?  Why is the President
here?"

   "I can explain that," President Cordon said.

   "W-where's Ana?"

   "Dead."

   "Dead?"

   "Dead."

   --

   The President explained that Ana had coated her vaginal lips with the
antidote to Horn before getting James to give her oral sex.

   "She intended to pass the antidote onto you," the President had said. 
"Sort of like an STD, except she was giving you an antidote rather than
something dangerous."

   But it had been dangerous, at least for Ana.

   "The antidote is designed for men," Dr.  Hormowster had said.  "It was
dangerous for her to take any because of that, and especially dangerous
because the antidote was so powerful."

   "Not to mention the fact that she took as much as she possibly could."

   "It threw her system out of whack.  She literally couldn't stop
orgasming.  She orgasmed herself to death."

   "It's funny," the President had said.  "Some women would have liked
that."

   --

   No matter how much the President praised Ana for saving the world, James
still felt horrible.

   "This is all my fault," he said.  "If I had just learned to accept
myself for who I was, this wouldn't have happened."

   "It's not your fault, James," Dr.  Hormowster said.  "I don't think
anyone could have predicted that your penis becoming larger would make the
world explode."

   "Yeah, but I still feel bad," James said.

   "Everyone feels bad when someone dies," President Cordon said.  "Get
used to it."

   --

   A week later, James still felt bad.  Whenever he saw his penis, which
had miraculously made it to ten inches long without blowing up the world,
he remembered Ana.

   _I killed her,_ he thought.  _All I cared about was how big my penis
would be, and now she's dead._

   He was morose about it, especially when he was at work.  The other
employees in the lunchroom noticed, including a particular secretary.

   "Why are you looking so sad?" she asked James.

   "It's my penis," he said sadly.

   She choked on her sandwich.  "I remember you!" she said.  "You're the
guy who was bragging about how his penis would be twenty-three inches
long!"

   "Oh yeah," one of the people in the lunchroom said.  "You must be the
guy who was taking the penis-growing formula.  The called the it Project
Horny or something?"

   "They called it Horn," James said.  "And yeah, I was the guy who took
it."

   "How'd it go?" everyone asked.

   "My penis is nine inches longer now," James said.

   There was a low whistle around the table.  One of the employees punched
the secretary on the arm.  "I can see why you remembered him, Kristen," the
employee teased.

   Kristen blushed.

   "I gotta get me some of that stuff," another employee said.

   "They canceled the program," James said.  "It was too dangerous.  I had
to spend a week in the hospital."

   The male employees groaned disappointedly.

   "You must feel let down," Kristen said.  "Now your penis will never be
twenty-three inches long."

   "Hey, how long is it?" someone else asked.

   "Ten inches," James said.

   "That's bigger than mine," said one of the male employees, looking
impressed.

   Kristen winked at James.  "With a penis like that, I bet that any woman
you have sex with will feel like she's about to orgasm to death," she said.

   James laughed.  "You have no idea," he said.
   The End