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 Writing a Good Erotic Story A Helpful Guide by Asexual Guy

   Story Codes: No sex, humor



   I've been a qualified erotic story expert, in the sense that I've had my
stories up on this website for...oh...let me see...one, two...it's almost
going to be an entire week now, and my approval rating may soon reach one,
in numbers of people who have positive reactions to my erotic stories.  So,
naturally, I never get asked, "Asexual Guy, how do you write a good erotic
story?  I want to write one!"

   In order to satisfy the needs of the public, I have taken time out of my
very busy schedule of not doing anything and have written this, an article
designed to help YOU, the average person, write a good erotic story, and
maybe even become a great erotic story author, although hopefully not TOO
good, because I don't want competition.

   First off, before one can start writing erotic stories, one must ask
what an erotic story really _is_.  That wouldn't get you anywhere, because
one is a number and cannot ask anything at all.  Most budding authors get
stuck at this crucial step and give up, forgetting their dream of writing
erotic stories.

   Luckily, I'm here to explain what an erotic story really is, so all you
budding authors can stop yelling at the number one.  An erotic story is,
get ready for this, a story that is erotic.  But then, what does erotic
mean?  For the answer to that, one would look at the root of the word.

   Erotic comes from the Greek words "eros", which means love, and "tick",
which is the opposite of tock.  So looking at the root of the word "erotic"
is absolutely no help whatsoever, which is another major mistake that
budding authors make.

   Erotic stories, like any other stories, contain characters.  These
characters are usually humans, although animals like dogs can be used, as
in the following example taken from "Rover Gets Neutered":

   "Rover's eyes moved across the room, moving past his water dish and
resting for a minute on his bowl of food, and finally settling on Cuddles,
the French poodle who lived next door.  _Woof,_ Rover thought, oggling the
sight of Cuddle's curvaceous body.  _Woof woof woof woof._"

   All the dogs who read _that_ exciting little passage would be baying in
pleasure while licking themselves in a particularly private spot, if you
know what I mean.  Clearly, it is the foundation of a good erotic story.

   However, having a foundation is not enough.  Many budding writers
believe a good foundation is all they need, and then they plunge into the
biggest mistake an erotic story author can make.

   THE BIGGEST MISTAKE AN EROTIC STORY AUTHOR CAN MAKE: Putting sex into
the story.

   That's right, sex should not be involved in your story in any way, shape
or form.  All your characters should be as celibate as the Pope, if not
moreso.  Having a story in which characters have sex is an old, tiresome
cliche that occurs in way too many erotic stories.

   "But what," I hear you readers saying to yourselves now (I have
excellent hearing), "Exactly is a cliche?" Good question.  A cliche is a
word beginning with the letter "c".  Understand it now?  Good.

   Now that you're aware of the biggest mistake an erotic story author can
make, you can begin writing your story.  First, you need some characters.
But before you invent some characters, please observe the next biggest
mistake an erotic story author can make.

   THE NEXT BIGGEST MISTAKE AN EROTIC STORY AUTHOR CAN MAKE: Having
attractive characters.

   Having a story with attractive characters is another tired cliche, which
happens whenever cliches don't get enough sleep.  In order to keep them
awake, you must create characters who are not attractive whatsoever.  We
return once again to "Rover Gets Neutered".

   "Rover trotted happily down the street when he realized that Spot, a
neighborhood dog, was in the area."

   Do you see what the author has done there?  He has introduced us to a
new character Spot, who is not beautiful, pretty, or anything like that. 
Spot is, in fact, "a dog".  What a perfect way to let everyone know how
unattractive Spot is!

   Once you have characters, you must have them do something.  Playing
Scrabble is good.  Jigsaw puzzles are good, too.  Just make sure that the
characters do NOT, under any circumstances, have sex, which would ruin the
story.  Do you understand that?  Great!  Have fun writing erotic stories!