I AM NOT ASHAMED 01 THE MEGUMI STORIES BY MEGUMI KATO AND FRIENDS VOLUME 03: I AM NOT ASHAMED BY KIMIKO KOBAYASHI AND MEGUMI KATO CHAPTER I The Office Ladies "Corporate Planning Division, how can I help you?" I said into the telephone in the high, feminine but carefully modulated tones I had been taught on my training course. The Shinagawa Electronics Corporation occupied a handsome building in an undistinguished district in southern Tokyo. It looked rather out of place, as if it had taken a wrong turning on its way to the Ginza; and had been put up at the height of the so-called "bubble economy", when any money you wanted was available cheap for real estate development, and everyone thought the boom would go on for ever. The Head of the Corporate Planning Division was a very senior man in the company, and worked in a large, luxurious office on the twelfth floor, directly below the Chairman's Suite. Even the anteroom where my two colleagues and I sat was expensively laid out, with a real fountain built into the floor and two Western oil paintings on the walls. One, which I liked very much, was of a vase of flowers by Van Gogh, bought by the company at an auction in London for $8 million. The other was said to be a self-portrait by Rembrandt, and had been obtained privately in Switzerland. A senior executive once told me, when he was rather drunk, that it came from the collection of Imelda Marcos, former First Lady of the Philippines; and that the company had been cheated because the picture was a fake, a fact which had to be carefully concealed from our President, who had bought it, and from the company's auditors. I didn't like it much, anyway - it was too dark and gloomy for my taste. We three girls were Office Ladies or OLs. We took it in turns to look after the desk which faced the entrance doors from the hallway, one of us sitting there to greet our boss's visitors and receive phone calls. The other two sat further back, and attended to his needs: word-processing, telephoning, filing papers and making tea. We all wore a specially smart version of the company's uniform for female staff: a one-button jacket and very short skirt both in pink with dark blue edging, a white silk blouse and dark blue high-heeled pumps. We were required to supply our own underwear and tights, but the company specified the type and colour - virginal white bra and panties with lacy edging, and tights in a sort of honey colour which the male staff who determined these things had decided they fancied. The skirt was a lot shorter than I really liked to wear - I was sensitive about my thighs, which were slightly plumper than those of my two colleagues - but there was no doubt that in our uniforms the three of us looked very pretty. Like the paintings we had of course been specially chosen as top-quality decorations for an important man's office, and were expected to regard ourselves as privileged. Sometimes we did. On the whole I liked working for a company which insisted on uniform for its OLs. I had a girlfriend who worked for a company which had abolished it - officially as a gesture to women's rights, but in fact to save money - and she told me she and her colleagues wished that hadn't happened. Now that she had to wear her own clothes, the male staff felt entitled to comment on her choice, complaining when she didn't wear a miniskirt, and speculating about her underwear. And she could never wear the same outfit two days together: if she did, they would all laugh, saying she had obviously not been home for the night, but had come straight to the office from sleeping with a boyfriend. She and her friends were now petitioning the company to reintroduce uniform. I was lucky to have the job. I had left high school hoping to go to university. There are lots of universities in Toky - not all of them famous, of course - but again and again I failed the entrance tests. In the end I just gave up trying. At that time many companies were cutting staff, especially female, and hardly recruiting at all. My father had a position in a big car manufacturing company. He had spoken to an old friend from Keio University, who had entered the Shinagawa Electronics Corporation and had risen to a rather more senior position in that company than my father had in his. This friend had arranged for me to be considered for a job; and one of my father's own OLs had coached me in the sweetly modest and compliant behaviour expected at the interview. Of course there wasn't much work to do in the office, and no prospect of promotion. But I tried hard to deserve my good fortune. My mother often pointed out that learning how to look after an important man - running his errands and serving his tea with the right depth of bow - would be useful experience when the time came to find a husband. I knew I wasn't really as clever or beautiful as my two colleagues Tomoko and Shizue, and owed my position to my father's old university friend. I think the other two knew it too. They tended to stick together and exclude me from their conversations, but it was pleasant enough to pass the time gossiping with them when they felt in the mood. When I first joined the office they had been very friendly. They had soon begun to chatter frankly to me about their boyfriends and their sexual experiences, and clearly expected me to do the same to them. I had to confess that I had no lovers to tell about. They thought I was just being coy and refusing to share my secrets, and were annoyed with me. In fact I was telling the truth, even though I wasn't actually a virgin. I had briefly had a boyfriend at high-school, and had been so flattered that he seemed to like me that I had gladly let him do whatever he wanted. He was rather rough with me though, so I hadn't enjoyed sex with him much, and I guess he soon got tired of a girl who could offer him only gratitude. Since then I had been uncertain about whether I really wanted to try sex again, and was shy about not being clever and beautiful like Tomoko and Shizue, who both had such lovely figures and long slim legs and were so poised and sophisticated. If a man did take an interest in me I found myself tongue-tied, blushing with confusion at the mixture of shame and excitement I felt. Shizue in particular seemed to have a very active social life - in fact she often came to the office in the morning complaining of tiredness, and once or twice I even caught her dozing at her desk when work was slack, as it often was. She sometimes spoke of a mysterious "Club" which she visited two or three evenings a week after work: Tomoko was rather cool about this activity and I had the impression she was a bit jealous at not being invited to go along too. When she felt like talking to me she sometimes referred to her colleague as a "typical Chanel Girl". This was a popular joke just then: "Chanel" is pronounced _Shaneru_ in Japanese and could be written with the characters for "company" and "sleep" - so a "Chanel Girl" was a girl who was obsessed with fashionable accessories and smart sexy clothes to wear on her dates, and came to the office only to catch up on her sleep. Despite the coolness about the mysterious "Club", Tomoko and Shizue were often out together in the evenings, bringing secret bags to the office with them so that they could discreetly change out of their office uniforms and into party clothes once work was over. Friday night seemed to be a regular special occasion, and they often had much to giggle about together the following Monday. Of course I had some pretty dresses in my closet at home too, and would have liked to be invited to parties myself sometimes. I thought it was mean of them not to suggest including me, but I never said so. Then one day a rather dreadful - and in a way exciting, and wonderful too - thing happened. It was a Monday, and we were quite busy at first with the mail and then with serving refreshments at our boss's weekly meeting. It always took two of us to do that, and that day it was Shizue and I who walked respectfully into the inner office, leaving Tomoko in charge of the reception desk. We placed the trays we were carrying soundlessly on a side-table, then carefully arranged the china cups on their lacquer saucers one by one on a precise spot beside each of the men at the conference table, bowing low before backing away to fetch the next. Of course they paid no attention, but it was important to get it right all the same. Shizue seemed unusually excited, her eyes sparkling. "I've got something to show you!" she whispered as we met again by the side-table - very daring, but fortunately our bosses were too preoccupied to notice her impertinence in speaking in their presence. We picked up our empty trays, bowed again in unison to the uncaring meeting and left the room, closing the heavy door behind us with just the slightest click. As soon as the three of us were alone together, Shizue showed us a beautiful brooch, still in the wrapping of a famous shop in the Ginza. It was in the shape of a spray of lily-of-the-valley flowers, the stems modelled in silver, with pearls of different sizes forming the blossoms and little chips of emerald suggesting the leaves. While we admired it she giggled a bit, and then told us in whispers how she had got it. She had fallen in love with it when she saw it in the shop weeks ago and had wanted it desperately ever since; and the previous Saturday night she had made up her mind, dressed in her sexiest clothes and gone to an expensive bar where she had let herself be picked up by a man she had never seen before. He had taken her to a hotel, and after they had made love all Saturday night and most of Sunday he had offered her a present - so she had asked him to buy her the brooch. I was terribly shocked. "But Shizue, how could you _do_ that? It's like ... it's like being a ... a _prostitute_!" "Don't be so silly, Kimiko. And don't talk so loud. They'll hear you in the meeting. I gave him what he wanted, and I got what I wanted in return. In fact, I got two things I wanted, because the sex with him was just fantastic and he paid me for it as well. What's wrong with that?" "But it _is_ wrong!" I protested. "Surely you can see that!" "Anyway, it was fun. It was really exciting being used by him - completely at his mercy, having to do everything he wanted so as to earn my present. He taught me things I never knew before. I loved it! I _was_ going to tell you about all the wonderful things we did together, but I won't now." "Oh, _do_ tell us Shizue!" Tomoko begged. "Anyway, he was _so_ lucky to get you like that, whoever he was!" she went on, looking at her friend with admiration. "I bet you were the most fantastic girl he'd ever had, you're so beautiful and so clever. Of _course_ he had to give you anything you wanted in return!" She giggled. "What was the most exciting thing he did to you? Do tell!" "I don't want to hear about it," I said firmly. "Well, _you're_ not going to," said Shizue. She turned away from me and whispered for a while to Tomoko, causing her to burst into delighted giggles and hide her blushes behind her beautifully manicured fingers. "But I can tell you one thing," she then said aloud, "I'm certainly going to do it again. Now that I know what fun it is, and how easy." "Oh, Shizue, how thrilling!" exclaimed Tomoko before I could say anything. "Can I come with you? Do you think a man would want to do wonderful things like that to me, and would he give me a lovely present too? When shall we do it?" "Soon," said Shizue briefly. I thought she was a bad influence on Tomoko, who wasn't a naughty girl really, just easily led by her friend. "We must talk to the other OLs. I bet some of them do it all the time, and can tell us all the best places to get picked up." "Oh, Tomoko, please don't!" I begged her. "Shizue can be a wicked girl if she likes, but you mustn't do it too!" "Listen to the little schoolmistress!" said Shizue mockingly. She and Tomoko went off to talk privately together, leaving me on my own. After that the atmosphere in our outer office was a bit strained. I won't say we quarrelled, but for a while the other two girls mostly stuck together, leaving me to myself. Gradually they became more friendly again, but I still had a feeling of being on trial. I tried to talk naturally to them, as if nothing had happened, but avoided any subject which might lead to talk of sex. The following Monday it was my turn to look after the reception desk, so I got to work early in case there were any urgent phone calls before the office formally opened. Shizue and Tomoko arrived together, and I could see from the way they were giggling and whispering to each other that they were bursting with some secret. They were obliged to control themselves while they served tea to our bosses at their weekly meeting, but the moment they returned Tomoko couldn't hold it in any longer. "Oh, we had _such_ a lovely time on Saturday night!" she said. "Didn't we, Shizue?" Shizue gave her a warning look but Tomoko was too excited to pay attention. "We went to a bar in Akasaka a friend of Shizue's upstairs had told her about - where some of the richest and most exciting men go. Shizue was looking _so_ beautiful," she went on, looking admiringly at her friend, "she was wearing a lovely _bodikon_ dress, and it was so short that when she sat on a stool at the bar you could see her little silver g-string panties glittering under her skirt - oh, all the men were thrilled by her." I could guess what she meant. I had seen photographs in magazines of girls showing themselves off at discos wearing tight, skimpy dresses in a fashion known as _bodikon_ or "body-conscious". Shizue smiled. "You looked pretty good yourself, you know." "Well, yes, I decided to be _very_ daring and wear a black see-through blouse I bought weeks ago. I'd been dying to wear it ever since but hadn't had the courage." "You mean, _really_ see-through and with no - I mean, nothing at all underneath?" I couldn't help asking. "Yes - but it would have looked _so_ much nicer on you, Kimiko! You're so lucky to have such pretty breasts. If you like, I'll lend it to you for your next date." I blushed. For all my reluctance even to think about sex, I had a weak point: I was proud of my firm breasts, which I secretly knew were better than anything the other two had to show. They had the fashion-model figures and the beautiful slender legs, but my plumper body had its advantages too ... I had a little waist which seemed all the smaller for the roundness of my hips and breasts ... and my breasts were not only pretty - I thought - but extremely sensitive, so that alone in bed at night I could give myself lovely treats by just gently stroking them and then pinching the hard nipples. I imagined myself showing off my nice breasts - naked, without a bra! - in a transparent blouse like Tomoko's, the hard nipples brushing deliciously against the silky material as I moved. The idea made me shiver in a thrilling way to which I was quite unaccustomed. I gave my body a little shake and told myself to stop day-dreaming. "Shizue was _so_ clever!" Tomoko was saying. "She knew exactly how to choose, and before I knew it we were chatting to two such handsome men ... a businessman and his _gaijin_ friend." "Oh, I don't think I'd want to ... to do anything with a foreigner!" I said with alarm. "Don't be silly, Kimiko!" said Shizue. "You don't know what you're talking about. They're often much more exciting than Japanese men and - you know - more considerate." I suddenly thought of my high-school boyfriend and his rough, greedy love-making. "And did they take you to a hotel?" I asked. I hadn't really meant to ask that, but I was fascinated as well as shocked and horrified. "Not to a hotel, no," said Shizue slowly. She looked at me thoughtfully, as if wondering whether to continue. "Well, after we'd had a few drinks," she then said, "they told us they were going to a party at a friend's house and asked if we'd like to come along. Of course we said we couldn't intrude on a private party like that, but the Japanese man explained that the party would be a big one for a large group of friends, and guests were welcome - so long as they understood the rules." "And so of course we asked what the rules were," Tomoko broke in excitedly, "and he said - what was it he said exactly, Shizue?" "'Do anything you like, but don't talk about it afterwards'," said her friend. "So we'd better not talk about it, don't you think - if we want to be invited again, that is?" "Oh, but we can tell Kimiko!" said Tomoko irrepressibly. "She won't pass it on to anyone! It was so exciting! There were lots of famous people at the party - you know, from television game-shows and the weekly magazines - and other people I didn't recognise but just as good-looking, and before long they were doing ... you know ... absolutely _anything_!" Shizue tried to silence her, but Tomoko just looked at her, her eyes sparkling as she talked on. "You should have seen Shizue!" she said. "We all know she's beautiful, but you can't imagine how lovely she is with nothing on! Her date helped her out of her dress, and I'll never forget the way she looked, dancing for him, wearing nothing but her little glittering panties. Everyone admired her." I gazed at Shizue, horror-struck. But she said nothing, just smiled at me in a strange way I had never noticed in her before. Tomoko went on chattering. "And of course I felt I had to do the same. I'd been wearing my transparent blouse all evening anyway, revealing my breasts you see, so it didn't feel at all strange just to take it off and go on showing myself the same way without it, and when I'd done that it seemed natural enough to take my skirt off too. So then I was dancing like Shizue, in just my panties. It felt so nice! Shizue's date was the Japanese man, and of course he wanted her to be _completely_ nude for him, so he helped her undo the strings of her little g-string, and she looked so beautiful like that in just her high-heels, so I asked mine, the _gaijin_ man, to do the same for me, and he _did_ - oh, so gently and slowly and nicely. So then we were both completely naked with everyone watching, but it went on not feeling strange at all, just right and natural. People were shining spotlights on us both, and taking lots of photos - we were quite the stars of the show I can tell you! And our dates wanted to be the first to take us, of course, under the lights while the others watched, which was only fair since they'd brought us there and made us the first girls at the party to go nude, so we all four made love together, and then lots of other men and even, well, even some girls decided they wanted us too, and ... and ... oh, there were couples and threesomes everywhere, all naked, all making love so beautifully to us and to each other without caring who was watching ..." I was feeling quite overwhelmed. My heart was beating hard, and as I pictured the scene as Tomoko described it my body was feeling again that strange dangerous thrill. Suppose _I_ had been invited to a party like that, and found a handsome, considerate partner there, who knew how to treat me better than my school boyfriend had done ... Oh dear, this wouldn't do at all! So it was a welcome distraction when the telephone purred discreetly. I could tell from the sound it made that I was receiving an outside call. I pulled myself together and left the other two to whisper secrets to each other as I ran to the reception desk. I flicked my hair back over my shoulder out of the way before putting the receiver to my ear, and picked up a pencil so as to be ready to take notes on whatever the caller wanted. "Is that Kimiko Kobayashi?" asked a girl's voice. I said it was, rather cautiously - we were not supposed to take personal calls in the office, but of course the caller could have been one of my OL friends in another company, telephoning for her boss. "Have you forgotten me? I'm Megumi Kato." "Megumi!" I exclaimed, delighted, but looking round anxiously. My boss would be occupied with his meeting for some time yet, and Tomoko and Shizue were still chatting together across the big room. "How are you, and what are you doing nowadays?" Megumi had been my best friend at school, but she was a bit older than me and had left about eighteen months ago while I stayed on another year. For a few months she had been my elder brother Ken's girlfriend; but when he graduated from university, and agreed that my parents should arrange a marriage for him, I lost touch with Megumi. In fact my parents were secretly rather pleased that Ken had broken off with her: she was a sweet girl and very beautiful, but she was rather strong-minded and had no family. Her father had died when she was a child, and although we all admired her mother for working so hard to support the two of them, there was nothing the Kato family could do to help Ken in his career. The girl my parents had chosen to be my brother's wife was the daughter of a Professor at a University of Fine and Applied Arts in Akita Prefecture in the north of Japan. Ken was going to be a film director and the connection would be useful to him. "Well, you know I'm working for a film company now?" asked Megumi's voice. "Yes, I had heard. Ken told me." I was suddenly embarrassed at having mentioned Ken - perhaps Megumi still cared for him. To cover up, I said quickly, "It sounds thrilling! Have you been in any films yet?" "Well, yes, a few. Nothing you would have seen. But I've got something much more exciting to tell you. I'm getting married!" "Oh, Megumi! How wonderful! Congratulations!" "And I want you to come to the wedding reception." "Of _course_ I'll come. When is it? And who is he?" "His name is Mr Otani, and he works for the company. Or rather, he has his own company which used to work with ours, and now he's going to be Chairman of our company too." "But how marvellous! That's a big responsibility for you. You're going to be terribly important. And happy too, I hope," I added hastily. "Oh, yes. We're going to be happy. We have so many tastes in common. Now, the reception will be in our studio in Shibuya. The Marucho Film Company." "You mean, I'll actually see the inside of a film studio?" "That's right. Though of course it won't look the way it usually does! The company are giving me a send-off party as a wedding present." She gave me the date - Saturday after next, at the end of September - and promised to send me a proper invitation with full details. That evening my brother Ken and his new wife Chizuko were coming to dinner with my family. We were all very fond of Chizuko: she was not particularly beautiful but she was nice and well brought up. Ken seemed happy with her. My elder sister Fumiko wasn't able to join us as she was working hard - she said - at her university. My father was still in his office, of course. In the subway, on the way home from work, I was embarrassed by the glances of a man seated opposite me. That often happened. The skirt of the office uniform was so _very_ short, and so tight on my rather plump figure, that I could not help attracting attention. Even though I sat with my knees and my thighs close together, my hands folded in my lap and my eyes modestly lowered, I always had the feeling that a man's eyes could see up beyond the hem as far as the lacy white panties peeping coyly through the crotch of my tights. There was nothing I could do about it - I was obliged to wear the uniform miniskirt and it would have been immodest to cross my legs. What really upset me was that I could not deny there was a part of me which enjoyed the attention I got. Secretly, in a corner of my mind which I could not control, it excited me to dream of showing off my legs, my firm round bottom and my nice little waist in the shortest and tightest possible skirt. I was terribly ashamed of these wicked thoughts, and punished them by never wearing such clothes except in the office, where I had no alternative. Now Tomoko had added to my confusion by reminding me that I was secretly proud of my firm and sensitive breasts too, and had triggered in me a new fantasy of showing them off in ways the modest, high-necked office blouse did not permit. All that day, in fact, I had been dreaming - except when I caught myself at it and firmly put a stop to it - about the party my two friends had been taken to, and the incredibly exciting things that must have happened there. So now I no longer had myself properly under control, and could not stop my heart beating quickly or the blush rising to my cheeks with the thrill of the strange man's admiration. I felt terribly bothered and confused by these unexpected feelings. I know I'm not very clever, but I thought I knew clearly what I felt about sex. It wasn't something I expected to enjoy the way some girls did. Of course it was part of marriage, and having children, and perhaps it would be pleasant enough one day with a husband I knew and trusted. I took it for granted that there would come a time when my parents or the company would find me someone I liked enough to accept as a husband, and that after a while I would one day have a child - perhaps as many as two. My mother had even had three, and she seemed happy enough. Sex would be part of that, of course, but not as important as the husband, and the home, and the children ... Now all of a sudden I didn't know what I wanted. Suppose _I_ had gone out with Shizue on Saturday instead of Tomoko. She would have taken me if I had made it up with her after our disagreement and asked nicely enough. Suppose _I_ had been taken to that party - what would it have felt like to dance there for my date, with strangers watching, dance for him ... yes, oh yes, oh, _naked_ ... and then let him ... No, no! I mustn't think about things like that. They told me things about myself that I didn't want to know: they made me feel it would be lovely to be fast and wicked like Shizue. But I didn't _want_ to be like Shizue! Thinking of her was no good, though: she wasn't a dreadful warning any more, she was smiling at me, tempting me, offering to induct me into a thrilling new life. I could not stop myself recalling, or imagining, the things she did with the men she went with. Oh, and that party! What must it have been like? Were there lots of parties like that, and would I ever be invited to one? Thinking of it gave me a funny, tremulous feeling, and made me feel so short of breath that I was afraid I might faint. I suddenly realised that a thick liquid was dripping from between my legs, wetting my panties and tights. [Next in Part 02: Chapter II: Dinner At Home] For complete series so far see /files/Authors/Bob_Williams