Celestial Reviews 65 - Feb 28, 1996 Note: A reader who is also a frequent contributor to this newsgroup has suggested an improved rating system. I like his suggestion so much that I have decided to modify his idea a little and give it a try. The solution is to give each story THREE ratings, each ranging from 1 to 10; and since these are Celestial Reviews, we'll name each rating after a goddess. Athena. Since Athena was the Goddess of Wisdom, the Athena rating will describe the technical quality of the story. This rating will cover such matters as grammar, spelling, formatting, and creative use of the language. A story with essentially no serious grammar, spelling, or usage problems will receive a rating of 8. To get a rating of 9 or 10, the author will have to do something creative with the language. Don't let that worry you; I consider my own writing to be worthy of a 10 in this category! Venus. Since Venus was the Goddess of Love and Storytelling, this rating will describe such matters as plot and character development. I have tried to focus mostly on this aspect in the past, but the ratings have been contaminated by the Athena influence. (For you students out there - until just now, Venus was not the Goddess of Storytelling. Do not use this answer on any tests in school.) Since this is a newsgroup for sex stories, hot sex that makes sense could contribute to a high rating here. Celeste. Since I am the self-proclaimed Goddess of Alt.sex.stories, the Celeste rating will describe how much I myself liked the story. I have described my personal interests and preferences in my FAQ. I am not demanding that authors try to please me, but I know that a lot of readers have interests that are similar to my own. Authors who receive high ratings in other categories and a low Celeste rating can console themselves with the knowledge that I would give Henry James, James Joyce, and John Milton low ratings for almost all their writings. Stories leading directly or indirectly to an orgasm in which I participate in my real life are likely to receive very high ratings; but so are stories that make me laugh or intrigue me with their clever plot. I also enjoy stories that suggest that people with what I'll call conventional value systems can still have a rich sex and fantasy life. Ratings will look like this: Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 This set of ratings would describe a story that made few or no grammar mistakes, had a plot that was extremely well-developed, and appealed fairly strongly to me. On the summary line, I'll simply list these as three separate ratings: {"Name of Story" by Author (topic) 8, 10, 8} One concern is that this use of the names of goddesses might appear to involve an affiliation with a specific religion. This is nonsense. I am not really a goddess. I also have my doubts about the authenticity of the other two. Let's try this system for a couple of weeks. Give it a chance, and then give me your feedback. - Celeste "Oh What a Trip" by James Boswell (spouse watching) 9, 7, 5 "Living Statues" by R (mannequin sex) No rating "Coincidence" by Delta (romantic relationship) 10, 10, 10 "One Afternoon" by Mark Aster (dreamlike orgy) 10, 10, 10 "Two Much" by Frank McCoy (sci fi youth orgy) 6, 5, 4 "The Secret Sex World of Alex Mack" by Mr. Jones (sci fi teenage & medical sex) 9, 9, 9 "Video Hits" by Mark Aster (voyeurism & orgy) 10, 9, 10 "Desert Rain" by M. M. Twassel (slice of life) 10, 7, 6 "Oh What a Trip" by James Boswell (skipper@usa.pipeline.com). This is billed by the author as "Another Hot Wife Tale." Because several other authors mentioned Boswell as an inspiration for one or another of their own stories, I downloaded several of his stories; and I have not yet regretted it. The grammar in this story is screwed up on purpose - the narrator is supposed to be talking like a stereotypical hillbilly from North Carolina, probably somewhere near Mayberry R.F.D. The author carries this off nicely. The gist of the plot as that some Yankee preppies come Down Home and start lusting after the narrator's frisky young wife. Though she loves her husband with endless devotion, she offers to frolic in the sack with one of these gents, because she knows it will please her husband to see her riding that sweet Yankee cock. Well, actually, she gang bangs with all four of the visitors while her hubby watches from a secluded spot nearby. Although this story is clearly written, it does little that's creative with the basic spouse-watching theme. For my own part, I'm still not convinced that it would be all that hot to bang away mindlessly with four strangers while my husband hid in a corner and watched. Ratings for "Oh What a Trip" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5 "Living Statues" by R. I received this story from Robotdoll, who has submitted several stories that I have reviewed favorably. Someone sent this story to him for his home page (located at http://users.aol.com/robotdoll/asfr.html), which archives stories about doll and robot sex. The problem with this story is that it is not complete; and since the author has failed to contact him any further, Robotdoll has declared this story to be an orphan and has suggested that someone else may want to finish it. The story already includes a prettty good startup; and if you are interested in this type of story you may wish to contact Robotdoll (Robotdoll@aol.com) or check out the home page. Ratings for "Living Statues": (No Rating yet) "Coincidence" by Delta (an248969@anon.penet.fi). The narrator is seated on a nearly full jetliner, dressed in a scruffy manner, waiting for takeoff, when - who to his wondering eyes should appear to take the seat next to him but his ex-girlfriend. Ex-very-close-girlfriend. Hence the title. Lisa appears not to recognize the former lover seated next to her, but the conversation coincidentally brings back memories of things past. Hence the title. The story consists mostly of the narrator's recollections of their good times together before they broke up somewhat bitterly. While he ruminates, he debates within himself whether or not to disclose his identity to her. This story contains hot sex, but it also contains much more than mere graphic descriptions. The playful banter of the lovers adds to our reading enjoyment, as does our knowledge that these two broke up and our anticipation that they might be reunited. The narrator even has a philosophy of life - that coincidences don't just happen; they represent the Universe speaking to us. Is he going to tell her who he is? Or does she already know; and maybe those coincidences aren't so coincidental after all. As they say, everything happens for a purpose.... Here's an interesting aside: Just before I read this story, I was preparing my lesson plan for a presentation on Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken." Coincidence? I hardly think so. Ratings for "Coincidence" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "One Afternoon" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). Let me tell you two things that really piss me off. One: I come up with a really great rating system that's practically guaranteed to end my problem of too many 10's; and then the first time I try to use it I give not one but TWO stories perfect ratings in all three of my new categories! Two: I hate mindless sex; this story is mindless sex; yet I loved this story! This story is very hard to describe. Just try to imagine, "What kind of story filled with mindless sex - almost literally, mindless sex - could possibly thrill Celeste? If you can answer this question correctly, you may already know the plot of this story. Otherwise, you'll have to read it and find out. Ratings for "One Afternoon" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Two Much" by Frank McCoy (mccoyf@millcomm.com). This story is partly an essay on "What's Wrong with the Welfare System." The real story begins with a detailed description of a 15-year-old boy clumsily and surreptitiously fondling the private parts of a 12-year-old girl and/or her twin sister while they are gathered around a table to play games or eat dinner with their families. On his next visit he sits between the two twins and simultaneously fondles both their little cunts while they continue coloring. I personally have never done exactly these activities, but the author certainly makes them seem plausible. In the interest of fairness the girls demand that they be allowed to feel Our Hero's cock, to taste his cum, and to engage in other childish experiments. He gives in to their demands. When their 10-year-old sister threatens to tell, he lets her join the festivities too. This may be a trite statement; but I think this is a good example of the kind of things that happen when masturbation gets out of hand. The girls' mother approves of this youthful orgy and even helps conceal their activities from Mark's mother, who would almost certainly have been a party pooper. The girls' mother even helps cure Mark's temporary impotence when he has trouble getting it up for the sixth or seventh time that evening. At this point, the story got really confusing for me. I don't know whether the author was trying to pull of a stylistic coup that I missed; but I lost track of who was fucking and who was narrating, even though I read the text several times. I think part of my problem was that the author was trying to get into "science fiction." Although I am by no means an expert on that genre, I do enjoy good science fiction; but I felt that the science fiction elements of this story were really simplistic, as were the notions about the values of pre- teen pregnancy. As I understand it, the moral of this story is that it may be a good idea to knock up a bunch of cute little kids, because it may bring the family happily together and enable the mother to get off welfare while she sleeps with the teenager that boinked the kids. This story brings to mind the question of what a parent should do if she finds her children engaging in sexual experimentation. I know someone who claims his mother saw him masturbating and then rubbed brown shoe polish on him that night while he slept. The next morning, he called this to his parents' attention at the breakfast table. His father looked up from the newspaper and remarked, "You've been masturbating, haven't you? That'll change your skin color every time!" I give this as an example of a really dumb reaction. On the other hand, the reaction of the mother in this story isn't much better: "Oh, you're fucking my two 12-year-olds! Well, my 10-year-old is going to feel left out; so you had better fuck her too. Don't use a condom when you screw them. But when you have sex with me, please use a condom, because I'm not sure I could continue being such a good mother if I had more children to take care of." My own strategy was to give the girls a copy of Alex Comfort's The Facts of Loving and to have regular conversations with them to share out thoughts and feelings. At first I didn't know what to make of the text format. I kept running into new "chapters" in strange places. At the very end of the story, I realized what I was dealing with was *page numbers*. The author has apparently taken a typed or printed manuscript 29 pages long and scanned it into the computer. I assume it is his own writing and not something he took out of a book he purchased, but I don't know why he didn't bother to at least remove the page numbers and clean up the text. Ratings for "Two Much" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 "The Secret Sex World of Alex Mack" by Mr. Jones (cthulh19@mirage.skypoint.com). This story is science fiction. Events like those in this story don't happen in real life. My first clue was the notion that a doctor would make a house call to check on a non- millionaire with flu-like symptoms. My second clue came when Alex's body started to glow after Dr. Fuller fucked her in the ass. Remember how Peter Parker and the Hulk screwed around with radioactive chemicals and got turned into superheroes? Well, Alex has messed around with chemicals, but for her the outcome has been different: her sexual anatomy has taken on an independent existence; in short, she has a nymphomaniac residing inside her innocent body. The action begins when Dr. Fuller arrives to check young Alex for flu- like symptoms. Alex's mom has to run an errand, and the sci-fi doctor offers to serve as a babysitter while he examines the unconscious young girl. When circumstances prevent him from taking the teenager's temperature orally, he is forced to insert his probe between her luscious ass cheeks. Pretty soon Doc has all six inches (no radioactivity for him!) of his cock rammed up her ass and both are coming wildly. For complex reasons Alex's body glows and emits sparks when she first achieves orgasm; and since this is *science* fiction the good doctor feels obligated to test the hypothesis that it was the attainment of sexual fulfillment that caused her body to glow and emit sparks. Sure enough, she glows and performs other weird activities. This is the sort of story that will get Senator Exon and his ilk upset over the possibility that "this kind of trash might promote pedophilia." Therefore, I would like to caution readers that in the unlikely event that you are ever a doctor visiting in her home a young nymphomaniac virgin with flu-like symptoms, you should not fuck her either anally or in any other way, even if her ass literally sucks your finger and then your penis into its hot little cavity. Furthermore, if you think it would be fun to fuck a hot little teenager who glows and emits sparks, you are in for the shock of your life. If - in spite of these warnings - you persist in molesting an innocent waif under these circumstances, at least be sure to wear a condom and whatever other accouterments are necessary to reduce the likelihood of electrocution. This story was fun! The author obviously intends to post many more chapters in this story. I'm wavering between 9's and 10's on these ratings. I'll suspend my final judgment until I have seen more, but I am already favorably impressed. Ratings for "The Secret Sex World of Alex Mack" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Video Hits" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). Our Hero and the Allen Sisters have gathered in front of the video monitor with Cousin Jake, who has figured out how to tap into the security cameras of a large company. Naturally (that's au naturel in French), they are scanning for and watching the rampant sexual activity that goes on in any large company at night and are engaging in their own merriment while doing so. I have reviewed five stories now by this author, and they have been consistently good. The stories are actually loosely related chapters in what could eventually be a novel - if a consistent plot would ever develop. I guess it might be better to compare them to the a.s.s. version of a good TV series. Not only are his stories sexy, but they're just plain well written. Other authors could benefit from taking a look at the variety of sentence structures that this author uses to convey nuances of meaning effectively. At the risk of spoiling part of the plot, I am going to tell you how this story really won my heart. The security camera zoomed in on a guy screwing a couple of women who obviously didn't want to have sex with him. This is obviously sex abuse; and many authors on this newsgroup treat this as a legitimate form of amusement. I was pleasantly surprised to find the characters in this story outraged by this behavior; and while they continued their own wildly erotic behavior, they promised to punish the bastard in a future episode. Way to go! Ratings for "Video Hits" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Strip Racquetball" by Unknown Author. Somebody namedSkipper (skipper@usa.pipeline.com) has been reposting several stories that he has collected from BBS collections. These stories are of uneven quality, but some of them look pretty good. This one is about a man and woman who have been playing racquetball together. Since he has the edge on her, they set up the rules so that he spots her five points and then she has to take off one of her four pieces of clothing everytime he scores two points, and she has to take off one piece for every point she scores. He gets to count his headband as a piece of clothing. Since the game is to 15, somebody will have to finish the game naked, and there's always the possibility of distractions or inconveniences from hard-ons. There's very little actual sex in this story, but it's an interesting idea. Ratings for "Strip Racquetball" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Desert Rain" by M. M. Twassel (WEGalen@aol.com). Read this story. It won't take you more than five minutes. As I finished it, I had a feeling that it reminded me of some particular author or type of story. I still can't put my finger on it. The closest I can come is to say that it resembles what I call the ultramodern short story genre - the type of story you find in "New Yorker" or one of those literary magazines that I find in waiting rooms but suspect my doctor or dentist doesn't really read. The story has no real plot - just a slice of life and some clever repartee among the characters. I suspect that the author may be Robin Williams writing under a pseudonym. There really isn't much sex at all in this story - just innuendo. As a teacher, I especially liked the part where the college-girl clerk mentioned to the old man that she had turns her steno pad face down on purpose to keep him from peeking at what she has written; and then she mentions that it's a poem and adds: "What I really wonder about, though, is what you think about my poem - your thoughts about it without having read a single word of it, knowing only that it's about my boy friend's cock." I thought of this today when I was introducing a new lesson and was saying to my students, "I'd like to know your thoughts about this book without having read a single word of it, knowing only that it's entitled The Pearl and has this cover." I guess maybe you had to be there; but would it have been funnier (a) if I slipped up and recited this author's sentence instead or (b) if the student answered, "It's about a storm in the desert where a college girl is working in a souvenir shop and an old couple comes in...?" I'm going to watch for more stories by this author. Ratings for "Desert Rain" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6 GRAMMAR TIPS OF THE WEEK: An author named Jackie (an338903@anon.penet.fi) recently posted some examples of Erotic Story Bloopers. I thought they were enjoyable, and maybe she'll repost them for those of you who missed them. Most of Jackie's bloopers were simple typos that acciddentally spelled real words. I have also been running into some interesting misspellings or word usage problems in recent stories. In these cases, I think the authors may be unaware of the distinction, and so they are worth pointing out. In each example the word that is used incorrectly actually has a meaning that makes the author say something he/she did not really intend. DISCRETE/DISCREET. "I looked at her body discretely." This would mean that the observer first took a close look at her head, then shifted distinctly to her breasts, then to her feet - or something like that. The author meant to say "discreetly." CONSENSUAL/CONSENTUAL. "I usually engaged in sex only if it was consentual." This would mean that the speaker only screwed people with him he had a formal contract indicating the consent of the fuckee. The author meant to say "consensual."