Celestial Reviews 94 - June 26, 1996
Note: Many people have expressed interest in the 801 in my AOL address.
I used to reply that I tried to get just plain Celeste but that was
already taken and the computer suggested Celeste801. Nobody believes
that story, so here's the real reason. We’ll approach it backwards,
which is a lot easier to understand.
1. First, you SUBTRACT 666 (the number of the Antichrist) from 801,
which gives you 135
(801 - 666 = 135)
You subtract, of course, because most sex stories are GOOD, not EVIL
(hence, subtract 666).
2. Then you ADD 69 (the most popular number in sex stories) to 135,
which gives you 204.
(135 + 69 = 204)
You add, of course, because most of the stories I review ARE sexy.
3. Then you subtract the value corresponding to all the Roman numerals
in Celeste. C and L are the only Roman numerals, and CL is 150.
(204 - 150 = 54)
The reason for doing this may be obvious to you, but I consider it to
be a secret.
4. After C and L have been removed, only E E S T E are left. There
are 3 E’s, and E is the Fifth letter of the alphabet. Three times five
is fifteen. In addition, S is the 19th letter of the alphabet and T
the 20th. Nineteen plus twenty equals thirty-nine. If we subtract 39
from 54, we get (incredibly enough) 15.
Fifteen is exactly the number of stories I put on my Top Fifteen
Stories List each month.
More importantly the digits in 69 add up to 15.
In addition, at the time I started writing these stories 15 was the
record for the number of times my husband and I had engaged in sexual
activities that gave at least one of us an orgasm within any single
week (a seven-day period, not necessarily Sunday through Saturday,
which would have yielded 12 and ruined this whole computation.
However, if we count only occasions when we BOTH had an orgasm during a
continuous sexual encounter, the seven-day record would have been 12,
which {now that I think about it} was set on December 12 somewhere
around midnight during the 12th month of our marriage. I think you can
see where this line of reasoning is going.)
So that’s why I’m Celeste801. This wouldn’t work with any number other
than 801.
Second Note: I have received more stories than I can possibly deal with
in this issue. Look for the following stories to be reviewed in the
next issue: “Composition in Cream and Chocolate” by Mary Anne Mohanraj,
“Gravity” by Mark Aster, “A Hot Summer's Night” by Ann Douglas,
“Dorothy Does Oz” by Shelby Bush, “My Heart Of Steel Is Like Putty In
Your Hands” and “Supergirl Breaks the Mold” by Tooshoes, “Debby’s Dark
Lust” by Vic S., “The Intergalactic Adventures of Ebeneezer Spooge” by
Keith A. Buckley & Jim D. Sizemore, and even more (I hope!)
- Celeste
“Yang Reception” by Wollstonecraft (ritualistic orgies)
10, 10, 10
“Shower Buddies” by Stone Wolf (humorous sexual
escapades) 10, 10, 10
“A Supergirl Arises From The Abyss” by Tooshoes
(sci fi romance) 10, 9, 9.5
“Double Trouble” by RC (threeway sex & hypnosis)
10, 9.5, 9.5
“Test Ride” by Joe Parsons (motorcycle sex) 10, 10, 10
“American Airlines Cockpit” by Mary Anne Mohanraj
(mile high sex) 10, 10, 10
*“Scarlett’s Cove” by Ann Douglas (hot lesbian romance)
10, 10, 10
“The End of Grieving” by Tabercil (romance?) 9.5, 9, 9
“The Enema Bandit” by Play Doctor (humiliation) 7, 5, 5
“Roadside Park” by Lisha White (outdoor sex) 8, 7, 7
“Discovery” by Skeeter379 (ff romance) 10, 9, 9
“Leia in Her Cell” by Gregory Fairbanks (sci fi
torture) 5, 6, 6
*"Home Improvement: Hot Tub Hijinks" by Jay-P. (Teen
celebrity sex) 9, 8, 8
*"Home Improvement: Molly's Muff" by Jay-P. (Adolescent's
dream comes true) 8, 8, 8
"Home Improvement: Caught" by Jay-P. (Teen celebrity
sex) 8, 9, 9.5
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has been
recently reposted.)
“Yang Reception” by Wollstonecraft (an285729@anon.penet.fi). The term
“yang reception” refers to the female feat of actively receiving
essence from the passive male - or so the Guru says. The heroine of
this story has for many years studied the teachings of Guru Tsu, and
she has recently had the great honor of moving into his commune. At
the Common she works her way toward blissful perfection through
ritualistic penetration of her vagina six times daily. The people at
the Common are a happy lot, joyfully sharing their fluids both
individually and communally and even helping to lick one another clean.
Even the conversations of the people at Common are couched in
ritualistic significance: “Do you want to take my conduit within you,
to draw from me the spiritual in substance? Will you sup from my body
to take nourishment for your soul?" Roughly translated, this means,
“Wannafuck?”
Birth control is simple: “Even if your faith is weak and you cannot
accept the male's spiritual offering, thus creating the ovum within
you, if your partner's faith is firm, there will be no sperm in his
seminal essence. There can be no impregnation, no conception, no
childbearing. Just as there will for you be no aging, no
deterioration. No death. And, without the aggression borne of
frustration, a new age of peace and love. You will be part of the
vanguard that ushers in this new age for humanity." Not a bad deal.
In other words, as long as you have Faith, you can fuck all you want;
and won’t get pregnant. Our heroine and almost all the other initiates
deliver babies within nine months after their initiation; but they
recognize this as a freak coincidence - a simultaneous imperfection in
the faith of both the male and female partner in one of the several
thousand copulations that each person experienced in the preceding nine
months. No harm, no foul. They’ll just have to try again. {I don’t
know what they do with the babies. Nobody seems to have time for
mundane tasks like changing diapers or teaching kids to read; so I
suppose maybe they sell the kids. Guru Tsu’s must get his revenue
somewhere.}
I guess this story is really silly - Ooops! There I go, giving an
indication that I am not myself a True Believer. It was fun to buy
into the Yang theory for the duration of the story. The author does an
excellent job of consistently presenting Guru Tsu’s beliefs. May his
yang be well received!
Ratings for “Yang Reception”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Shower Buddies” by Stone Wolf (an582016@anon.penet.fi). I normally
don’t like to review multi-chapter stories until all the parts have
been posted. Sometimes the authors don’t even bother to finish the
stories, and then my readers will feel cheated. In addition, a story
that begins well may end badly, or vice versa. I decided to make an
exception with this story. Even though only two chapters have been
posted and even though the author says that no actual sexual contact
will occur until “at least chapter 3,” I think you’ll want to know
about this one.
The basic premise of this story is that there has been a fire in the
women’s dorm and the displaced coeds have with little forewarning been
relocated into one of the men’s dorm. Our protagonist first notices
this when he is in a naked, semi-comatose, early-morning stupor in the
shower, asking to borrow shampoo from the person in the adjacent stall.
His body language sort of embarrasses him as he tries to be polite and
recover from his faux pas when he discovers that the guy he is talking
to is an attractive girl.
This story reminds me of an X-rated script for a high quality sitcom.
For example, I can imagine this being a plot for “Friends” or “The
Single Guy.” The story is extremely well written; the characters are
refreshingly wholesome; and the story is redolent of realistic details
of college life - like showers that make funny noises and guys that
don’t use fabric softener for their towels. I am eagerly looking
forward to more of this story.
Ratings for “Shower Buddies”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“A Supergirl Arises From The Abyss” by Tooshoes
(tooshoes@ix.netcom.com). Kara was sent to earth as a survivor from
her planet (actually an asteroid) at the moment her culture and all her
friends disintegrated. She was greeted on earth and taken under wing by
none other than Clark Kent, who had made a similar odyssey several
years earlier. Enrolled as Linda Lee as a student at Metropolis
University, she is having trouble getting along on earth.
To mask the effect of her unfamiliarity with American culture, Clark
advises Kara to pass herself off as Hungarian - an idea plagiarized, no
doubt, from either George Bernard Shaw or Henry Higgins. The story is
quite interesting; sort of like a high quality comic book with sexual
activities as a natural part of the plot. This is the first of four
connected stories - four that I know of; there may be others. The plot
has obvious possibilities: what sort of things - both emotional and
physical - will happen to a woman with super powers who approaches an
American college campus as a foreign culture. This series has the
potential to be really good, but I’m going to save a really high rating
until I’ve seen more.
Ratings for “A Supergirl Arises From The Abyss”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
“Double Trouble” by RC (74734.271@CompuServe.COM). What’s a guy to do
if he has two girlfriends, both of whom are intelligent, attractive,
sexy, fun in bed - everything a guy could want? Well, since I know
this author’s work, I suppose the guy could get the two of them
together, encourage them to have sex with each other, and hope they
would let him join them occasionally. Actually, my prediction was
close - very close; but I didn’t think of the possibility that one of
the women would be a hypnotist.
Ratings for “Double Trouble”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
“Test Ride” by Joe Parsons (jmp@cyber-mall.com). This is a story
about motorcycles and sex. As the bumper sticker says, “Motorcyclists
spread their legs when they do it.” Or even better, “Motorcyclists
like something hot between their legs.” Cyclists differ from English
Teachers, who do it with style, and Federal Express Couriers, who will
absolutely and positively do it overnight - and bakers, who knead it
daily. Ironically, motorcycles have no room for such sophisticated
aphorisms on their bumpers, and so these proclamations invariably
appear on the bumper of the owner’s automobile.
Reminded of his biker past by a cyclist bumper sticker, the man in this
story stops at a German motorcycle dealership, where Inge, the
statuesque salesperson, offers to let him take a test ride. Inge is
the sort of person that gives the double entendres to the bumper
stickers I mentioned in the preceding paragraph.
In my distant past I had an early boyfriend who owned a motorcycle. I
used to call it his hog. I broke off the relationship, largely because
he was interested primarily in something hot between the legs, and I
wasn’t ready for that yet. As I read this story, I came to a better
understanding of his viewpoint. For example, I used to naively wonder
why he didn’t have a larger seat if he wanted me to ride double with
him; and I honestly believed there was no such thing as handbars for
the second rider. I WAS naive, wasn’t I?
This story verifies one bumper sticker: “Cyclists do it off the road.”
In addition, “Cyclists can change speeds while doing it.”
This is a sexy story. Even if you aren’t a cyclist yourself, you’ll
probably enjoy this story. If you’re a motorcycle freak, you’ll
probably love it. This was an outstanding story by an author who does
it in really novel ways!
Ratings for “Test Ride”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“American Airlines Cockpit” by Mary Anne Mohanraj
(moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). Two college girls (one straight, one bi)
are on their way to England for the Christmas holiday. They’re bored,
and one of them is afraid of flying. What can the other girl suggest
that might relieve boredom and get her friend’s mind off her
acrophobia? The solution lies in a trip to the cockpit, where they
learn the true value of automatic pilot.
The FAA - the organization that tells pilots when and how to do it -
would like me to make it clear that pilots do things like this only
under the relatively rare circumstances when sexy college girls enter
the cockpit in mid-flight, do a striptease, and ask to test the pilots’
instruments. The author does an excellent job of creating ambiance
with informal banter that makes this a really delightful story. This
author has a whole collection of her stories on the Web at
http://mud.bsd.uchicago.edu.
Ratings for “American Airlines Cockpit”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
*“Scarlett’s Cove” by Ann Douglas (AnnD55@NYC.Pipeline.Com). This story
centers around the visit of two friends to a Caribbean Club Med type
resort that caters to lesbians and bisexuals. Although both women are
lesbians, they are not habitual lovers - just friends. After some
preliminary fun, Jeanette finds that Arlene has entered her into a sort
of charity bachelor auction - the other women will bid to have Jeanette
for their date for the evening. I think I have told you enough about
the story. It’s a hot plot with hot sex. I might add that Jeanette is
a high school teacher and many of us often wish we could touch our
favorite students the way she does - but somebody might take that
comment the wrong way.
Ann writes many different kinds of stories, and I enjoy them all; but
this story is a good example of what Ann does best: an interesting and
sexy plot woven into an exotic environment embellished with accurate
information about varied cultures. In addition, the author enriches
the narrative with sexy flashbacks and side plots that heighten the
tension and allure of the main storyline.
As I have said many times before, although I suspect that all sensible
women would enjoy sexual activities like those described in this story,
I myself have never engaged in full genital lesbian or bisexual
activity. However, after reading this story, my defenses have begun to
crumble. If by some chance I would ever be bereaved of this wonderful
guy that humps me on demand like Mark Aster’s studly hero and then
found myself on an exotic Caribbean island with a beautiful, rich
former student who was professing her love for me after purchasing me
for an exorbitant price in a charity auction - well, I might give it a
thought. Hell, I think I’ll give it a thought right now!
I’m reminded of the words of my daughter, who every year proclaims that
“this is my best birthday ever.” This is the best story ever by Ann
Douglas.
Ratings for "Scarlett’s Cove"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“The End of Grieving” by Tabercil (an636956@anon.penet.fi). The man
lost his wife in a traffic accident several months ago, and he has been
living in a depressed, almost catatonic state since the funeral. His
daughters realize they have to do something to snap him out of it, and
so the girl who looks most like her mother disguises herself to look
even more like the mother and comes to his bedside while the other two
girls look on. The idea is that Dad will be surprised, cry his eyes
out, and have a good talk that will enable him to rejoin the real
world. Instead he fucks his daughter till they both come in screaming
orgasms.
The premise is interesting and the sex is extremely hot. Aside from
several proofreading errors, my only complaint was that I think the
premise was overdone a little. Gentle, loving sex I could understand
more easily; but Dad winds up with his entire fist up his daughter’s
ass - something that he had never done with his wife and an action with
which his daughter would presumably be unfamiliar. Then when the
lights come on, the father and daughters simply kiss, verify that Dad
has undergone a complete cure, and agree that they have to do this more
often. Both Oedipus and his mother had more difficulty than this when
a parallel situation arose in their own lives. {By the way, I’ve
always thought that Oedipus suffered from a serious case of confusion.
He was an adult man who accidentally married his own widowed mother,
who was past childbearing age, and had become king as a result of the
wedding. Under the circumstances, when he discovered his error, he
should simply have said, “Holy shit! I’ve married my mother! How
about that!” But things are not that simple in Greek mythology or in
daytime soaps.}
To put it another way, the most likely outcome in real life for a guy
who would undergo this experience after never previously even
contemplating sex with his daughters would be to say, “Omigod, what
have I done?!” The present ending would make sense only if we either
(1) had a lot more information to set up this ending or (2) already
bought into incest as a really great lifestyle that is often suppressed
by silly taboos.
I think the author wanted to write about (a) an interesting situation
and (b) the hottest anal sex possible. I think it might have been
better to separate the two - reasonably good but not necessarily super-
hot sex in this story and the super-hot anal sex in a different story.
I’ve gotten sidetracked and have spent more time on the negatives than
the positives of this story. Overall, this was a very good story -
with room for improvement.
Ratings for "The End of Grieving"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“The Enema Bandit” by Play Doctor (playdoc@digitals.com). The guy has
severe emotional problems dealing with non-subservient women. There’s
a bitch in his office who seems to be interested in equality for women
and garbage like that. She smokes, cusses, goes off on vacations
without her old man, and other radical things like that. So the guy
decides to teach her a lesson. He gets a key to her house, sneaks in
when her husband is gone for the weekend, and watches from the closet
as she undresses and goes into the shower. After sizing her up and
noticing how good she looks, he pounces on her as she opens her closet.
After binding and gagging her, he takes her rectal temperature, gives
her an enema, and inserts a butt plug. Then he ties her onto the
toilet and jerks off on her tits. Finally, he wipes everything clean,
sticks a cigarette in her mouth, gathers his own stuff, and leaves.
That’ll teach her. Goddam woman’s libber! The author says he wrote
this to get rid of some frustration. I hope it worked. As a safety
valve it may have been useful; as a story it’s lacking a major chunk of
a plot.
Ratings for "The Enema Bandit}
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
“Roadside Park” by Lisha White (lishawhite@aol.com). Paul and Karen
have been without sex for an unspecified “long time.” They are horny
and have gone to the woods in a park to have sex. Paul has brought
along his handcuffs. They have a long, lingering fuck in the woods -
actually a couple of fucks.
Although the sex was abundant and explicit, it wasn’t focused. The
story contained unnecessary repetition and details that didn’t need to
be there. For example, Paul eventually decides to “save the handcuffs
for another time.” That’s fine, but why mention them at all. It seems
likely that the author intended to use the manacles in the plot, then
realized story line was getting unwieldy and decided to omit the cuffs,
but neglected to go back and delete the reference. This was by no
means an awful story; the author should simply make a better attempt to
get to the point more efficiently.
Ratings for "Roadside Park"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
“Discovery” by Skeeter379 (skeeter379@aol.com). This is the author’s
second story on a.s.s., and it’s very good. Two women work together,
but their working relationship is going to end. They go out to
celebrate; and the one who is bisexual is self-conscious because she
lusts for the other and knows that the feelings are not reciprocal.
Surprise! The other IS interested; they make passionate love; and
there is a promising future in store.
The story is well written. What the author could add would be some
nuances to the plot. From almost the beginning of the story I was
easily able to predict what was going to happen. Since the narrator
stated that she was surprised, it would have been a good idea to share
more of that surprise with the reader.
Ratings for "Discovery"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
“Leia in Her Cell” by Gregory Fairbanks (kaneda@email.unc.edu). I
remember the evening we first took our children to see a “Star Wars”
movie. My husband approached me in bed later that night wearing a mask
and breathing heavily while he talked - a poor imitation of Darth
Vader: “Princess Leia will tell me where the rebel base is, or I’ll
fuck her brains out!” “The force be with you!” I replied, as I seized
the initiative and quickly got him into a half nelson - if only I knew
what a half nelson was. With all it’s wonderful special effects, the
most glaring flaw in the “Star Wars” movies was that nobody ever raped
Princess Leia. Sure; she was a princess, and it might make sense to
give her special treatment. But the minions of the Evil Empire were
willing to kill her by compressing her in a trash compactor, for god’s
sake! And the bad guys were the very incarnation of evil. Why
wouldn’t they rape her? Well, because it was a children’s story, of
course.
In this story Princess Leia meets her adult fate. The bad guys treat
her with an interrogation droid. Actually, the two guards modify the
droid to make Leia orgasmic rather than loquacious; and in doing so
they also seem to have removed much of the grammar from the story. The
modified droid has just thrust its dildo tentacle several times into
the body of the ecstatic princess and has injected a sticky red fluid
into her pulsating body when - oh, no! The bastards are torturing ME!
The story is “to be continued”; and the misguided author has written
only the first part.
Ratings for "Leia in Her Cell”
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
*"Home Improvement: Hot Tub Hijinks" by Jay-P (an96917@anon.penet.fi).
As I've said before, I enjoy sex stories about fictional celebrities,
because they make it possible to actually picture the persons involved,
without doing any real harm to anyone. This and the next two are
reviews of parodies of the "Home Improvement” television series. They
have recently been reposted as Himp1, etc. As far as I could see, the
present set of repostings does not include what I consider to be the
best “Home Improvement” parody, which is “Jill’s Story” by Ann Douglas.
Perhaps Ann will repost that story.
In this first story we can picture Randy and Brad Taylor (sons of Tim
the Tool Man and his wife Jill) fooling around with their little
girlfriends in the hot tub while their parents are away. By knowing
something more about the personalities of Randy and Brad from the
television series, I was easily able to apply this additional
information to the story and enjoy it more. A nice story.
Ratings for "Hot Tub Hijinks”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
*"Home Improvement: Molly's Muff" by Jay-P (an96917@anon.penet.fi). I
normally get turned off at the very idea of an older woman seducing a
little child; but this one really does sound like a 12-year-old kid's
dream. And besides, they wear seat belts when they drive to the hotel.
One piece of irony: The woman in the story says that she knew Randy
was not really 32 years old (as he claimed on the BBS), because he made
spelling mistakes that would get past a spellcheck - like "their" for
"there" - but which an older person would notice A few paragraphs
later, Randy notes that "her cunt was harrier" - instead of "hairier."
You can look that one up in your unabridged Funk & Wagnalls.
Now that I've convinced you I have a college education, I'll return to
the story. It was well written and enjoyable. They had four orgasms
apiece in about 45 minutes.
Ratings for "Molly's Muff”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Home Improvement: Caught" by Jay-P (an96917@anon.penet.fi). Randy (age
12) and his girlfriend Beth hurry home from school and start
copulating. Little brother Mark (age 10?) catches them in the act and
threatens to tell on them. Since this story is part of a literary
tradition that does not have Randy already fucking his mother, Randy
and Beth resort to bribery: they promise to show Mark what they have
been doing if he will promise to keep his mouth shut. Mark
conditionally acquiesces. After a cursory examination of the available
anatomy, Mark asks for a demonstration. Randy and Beth comply. Then
Beth, who is the brains of the twosome, hits upon the idea that if she
can get Mark actively involved, he won’t be able to squeal without
implicating himself; and so she encourages him to jerk off while they
fuck. He does; they do; and he doesn’t. A good time was had by all.
Ratings for "Caught”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5