Celestial Reviews 98 - July 10, 1996
Note: Here is some free advice for AOL users. Have you ever tried to
download a file, only to have the download stop after about 80% of the
file has been loaded to the screen? Then when you press the DOWNLOAD
FILE button, it tells you that PART 1 IS MISSING! Here’s the solution
to that problem:
Simply choose DOWNLOAD ARTICLE instead of DOWNLOAD FILE. This may
already be obvious to you, but I was surprised to find that it actually
works!
- Celeste
“Chantal” by Mary Anne Mohanraj (rape) 10, 10, 10
“Connections” by Peter V. Principle (infidelity)
10, 10, 10
“The Interview” by Ann Douglas (sex on the job) 10, 9, 8
“Andy Griffith” by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
“Welcome Back Kotter” by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
“Gilligan’s Island” by Shelby Bush (sitcom parody)
10, 10, 10
“The Tape Slaves” by E (hedonistic mind control) 9.5, 10, 10
“The Intergalactic Adventures of Ebeneezer Spooge” by
Keith A. Buckley & Jim D. Sizemore (adolescent humor)
9. 8, 5
“The Dare” by Michael K. Smith (emerging adolescence)
10, 10, 10
“Gina” by Anonymous (wife watching) 8, 5, 4
“Lois and Clark: Superman & the Real American Way” by
Reality Lines (superhero sex) 8, 5, 5
“Lois's Night In” by The Voice (superhero sex) 9, 8, 8
“Passion in Tokyo” by Sachi Mizuno (voyeurism &
masturbation) 10, 8, 8
“My Wedding” by WouldBeBad (wedding orgy) 10, 10, 10
“Surprise!” by Mark Aster (birthday bondage) 10, 10, 10
“Chantal” by Mary Anne Mohanraj (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). No
offense to the rest of you authors out there - and I may say the same
thing about someone else right after I have read his or her story - but
Mary Anne Mohanraj may be the best writer to post stories on this
group. I would be absolutely astonished if this author has not written
other stories that have gained recognition in high-quality, mainstream,
non-erotic publications.
A lesbian woman is comforting a non-lesbian friend to whom she is non-
reciprocally attracted and who has recently broken up with a jerk of a
guy. She longs to hug and caress her friend and to make tender love to
Chantal, but she knows that any attempt at closeness will drive Chantal
away. A knock comes at the door; it is a phony pizza man, who
threatens to kill the woman unless Chantal surrenders herself to his
will. At the crucial moment the woman breaks free and demands that the
man rape her instead of Chantal. The rapist at first seems ready to
comply, but then he tells the two women to get it on together for him.
Ironically, the woman’s attempt to rescue Chantal will enable her to
achieve her fondest desire - but under highly undesirable
circumstances.
I’ve told you all but the very end of the story; but I think you’ll
still find immense pleasure in reading this well-crafted and highly
erotic story.
Ratings for “Chantal”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Connections: Kirsten (1974)” by Peter V. Principle
(an347524@anon.penet.fi). The author says that "Connections" is a
series of essentially true accounts, although in some cases names,
dates, places, and other minor details have been fudged in an attempt
to retain some degree of anonymity for those involved. In this episode
the narrator is on a camping trip with three women and a man. They are
sleeping in a pitch dark van - packed in like sardines, with his
sleeping bag opening toward his friend’s wife. And so he pulls the
moral equivalent of an adolescent yawn in a movie theater: he moves his
hand into the chasm between them, just to see if she is interested in
responding. She is. Matters escalate. Can anyone else tell what is
going on?
Would anyone else in the van be able tell what is going on? Maybe not,
assuming the others all lack the ability to both detect sounds and to
detect odors - or assuming the friend’s wife is dead. I’ve tried; I
have concluded that I cannot reach orgasm undetected in the same room
with other people unless there’s a partition ( front seat vs back seat
of a car will do) or unless the others are sound asleep (as in the case
of children sleeping on the floor next to our bed in a motel room).
I’ve tried it on both the fucking end and the listening end. I’ve been
as quiet as a church mouse and so have the people who have tried to
evade my notice. It doesn’t work. Can’t be done - - unless the others
are thoroughly distracted by something else, such as a really good
movie or a sermon in church. Hmmm... I guess that means it CAN be
done. Never mind.
Anyway, they just pet that night; but they get together for real sex
shortly thereafter. He comes; she doesn’t; but she’s happy; and as
time goes on she learns new things. This isn’t a story with a real
plot; it’s what lit teachers used to call “a slice of life.” This
approach sometimes give a greater impression of being “true” than a
story with a “better plot.”
Ratings for “Kirsten (1974)”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“The Interview” by Ann Douglas (AnnD55@NYC.Pipeline.Com). Henry
Morrison has been assigned the boring task of interviewing applicants
for an intern’s position with his company. He has already found all
the qualified applicants he needs, and the final interview is a mere
formality. She has no discernible qualifications, until she leans
across his desk and says, “"I have ... the tightest ... little black
ass ... you are ever going to ever see. And given the chance, I'll pump
that cock of yours so dry you won't be able to fuck again for a week!"
Henry replies appropriately: "Young lady, I'm going to have to ask you
to leave this instant." Will the woman get the job? Do things like
this happen in real life? Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? By the way,
my husband would (of course) file sexual harassmenet charges against
any woman who would do this to him. So be careful!
Ratings for “The Interview”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Andy Griffith” by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Two
little boys were arguing about the prestige of their parents. “My
father is a doctor,” said one. “I get free medical care. I can be
healthy for nothing.” The other boy replied, “Big shit! My father’s a
minister. I can be good for nothing.” I modified his story a little,
but this is probably the first time my pastor has been quoted on this
newsgroup, although I suspect his picture has appeared on one of the
others. More relevant to this review - Opie was the son of Sheriff
Andy of Mayberry, and so he was good for nothing.
This story begins with Opie transporting a peach pie from Aunt Bea to
Helen Crump, who happens to be preoccupied at the time with Thelma Lou,
who is deeply engrossed in Helen’s hair pie. Opie is what them city
fellers call transfixed, holdin' onto that peach pie in one hand and
rubbin' his penis with the other. Well, it seems that Opie has been
under the influence of Ernest T. Bass or a city slicker or something,
‘cause when Thelma Lou leaves he goes into Helen’s house and tells her
that he’s going to blow the whistle on her unless she gives him a real
good blow job. And she does. But Opie doesn’t stop there. He says he
wants to fuck her. And he does. And Miss Crump moans and bucks just
like a regular woman. And Helen says maybe next time he could fuck
Thelma Lou too. And when Opie walks out and goes home, he's whistlin'
all the way.
Ratings for “Andy Griffith”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Welcome Back Kotter” by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Mr.
Kot-terrrr’s wife Julie finds a love note that seems to indicate that
Gabe has been doing the horizontal lambada with a female Sweathog. She
resolves to teach both Gabe and the vixen a lesson. But then Vinnie
Barbarino and Freddy Washington show up on the fire escape, and Julie
switches to plan B. The guys are seeking counseling from Mr. Kotter
regarding how to make a better impression on Chrissy, who happens to be
Gabe’s Sweathog Playmate. A sudden inspiration hits Julie, and she
knows how to teach everyone a lesson. Rather than an abstract lecture,
Julie gives Vinnie and Freddy hands-on practice. When Arnold Horshack
shows up, all her orifices are covered. When Gabe arrives home after
“work,” Julie has a riddle for him: “If a bird in the hand is better
than two in the bush, what's better than a bird in the hand? Give up? A
bird in the mouth AND two in the bush!" Gabe doesn’t get it. Serves
him right!
Ratings for “Welcome Back Kotter”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Gilligan’s Island” by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com). The previous
two sexual parodies of sitcoms were good, but this one is the
quintessential sexual parody. It is both humorous and erotic. As I
read the story, I could easily imagine the actual characters on
Gilligan’s Island doing these things. It was really an excellent
story. This makes it stand apart from some of the weaker parodies, in
which the author simply takes the names of the characters and the
general plot from the original story and has them do things that
involve sex.
How does a person write an excellent parody? I get the impression that
Shelby Bush first of all enjoyed the shows he parodies. He became
thoroughly familiar with the characters and the types of plots that
were typical of the shows, and then asked himself, “What would happen
if people in these shows were allowed to have sex?” The true genius
lies in finding a creative plot and blending into that plot details
that make the parody seem like a natural extension of the original
show. This author does this very effectively, both in the present
story and in several others that I have read. For example, I found it
perfectly plausible to imagine Gilligan hiding in the bushes while
Ginger took a bath under a waterfall. I could easily imagine Ginger
being aware that Gilligan was there and doing subtle things to tease
him. What would happen next - probably right before the commercial?
Why, Ginger would bend over and display to the hidden observer the pink
pucker of her asshole and the darkness of her nether lips below, and
Gilligan would shoot his wad while falling backwards into a somersault,
hitting his head on a tree and blacking out in preparation for the next
scene.
Ratings for “Gilligan’s Island”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“The Tape Slaves” by E (eman@best.com). Gina is a high school kid who
puts on a set of headphones to listen to a tape. Poof! She has become
a slave of the tapes. She will do everything the tapes say, and she
will like it. It is also her responsibility to help see to it that
everyone in the whole world becomes a slave. So what we have here is a
sexual mind control story based on an electronic chain letter with a
hedonistic Jehovah Witness twist.
Gina immediately gets her brother and sister to listen to the tape.
Then the three of them hold down Mom and make her listen. Then Dad is
a pushover. The whole family having been converted, they head to the
Community Center where they get more tapes. The Mom and Dad tapes
program the Robinsons to have sexual fidelity only with each other.
Except for acts which might harm someone, or force someone against
their will, they have absolutely no sexual restrictions with each
other. They will, however, never willingly engage in sex with anyone
else, unless they are programmed to by a subsequent tape. They are
also instructed to help their kids learn the joys of sex. Future tapes
expand their circle of sex partners to include 500-3000 friendly
people.
Very quickly the whole world is converted. Rape and domestic abuse
become quaint anachronisms. Problems like wars and tax fraud still
persist; but as I read this I wasn’t sure why nobody designed a tape to
solve those kind of problems. I mean, there are major sociological
theories that seriously argue that all wars are really fought so that
men can achieve easier access to the higher status women or that if
everyone had a good piece of ass there would be no time for wars. I
figured the reason wars and other crimes persisted is because this is a
sex story, not a sociological treatise. Actually, as I read on I
discovered the answer was more complex.
As I moved through the fifth and sixth chapters, I found this to be a
simple but interesting example of either a Utopian or an anti-Utopian
novel - depending on your point of view. As I read the story, I could
just imagine millions of children clad in pristine nakedness, holding
hands and singing
If everyone fucked
Just one little brother
WHAT A GREAT WORLD THIS WOULD BE!
Of course during different verses they would insert mother, father,
sister, dog, etc., in order to express their full urge for complete
harmony.
And so as the story approached its midpoint, it was doing a nice job of
presenting the Joys of Incest, of Lesbianism, of Anal Sex, and I was
pretty sure a later chapter would get around to the Joys of
Watersports. The story had made the simple assumption that people
could listen to a taped message and have their lives immediately and
completely transformed into an existence of complete happiness. I felt
this would be nice; but I remembered getting a nun in high school
pissed off when I told her that her version of heaven sounded boring -
and what I see here is not much more interesting than “being eternally
happy in the presence of God forever.”
And so as I went through the story, I began to resist the extreme
hedonism; but then around chapter 12 I realized to my astonishment that
the author was subtly agreeing with me! The New World Order of the
Tapes wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Then suddenly at the end of
Chapter 14, Gina became unprogrammed. This was a very interesting
twist indeed. Then the story started taking more and more interesting
twists. These twists are fun, and so I don’t want to tell you about
them. You’ll have to read the story for yourself.
This story is an interesting combination of sex, humor, and
philosophical analysis. The author sucked me into the plot completely,
and I enjoyed being fooled. Maybe this is a form of mind control!
Earlier in the story I stated as one of my objections that absolute
power corrupts absolutely, and in chapter 18 the author said the same
thing to me. At first I thought this was a shallow story with good
sex. Eventually I concluded it was a good story with good sex. If the
sex weren’t quite so good, this would be a best selling novel with
Sandra Bullock starring in the movie version next year.
Ratings for “The Tape Slaves”
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“The Intergalactic Adventures of Ebeneezer Spooge” by Keith A. Buckley
& Jim D. Sizemore (sizemor@nickel.ucs.indiana.edu). When approaching
this story, it is important to keep in mind that it was written by a
lawyer and someone of even lower moral and intellectual standards -
perhaps a proctologist or middle school principal.
It may be useful to make special note of the authors’ words in the
disclaimer, where they summarize some of the deleterious effects this
book may have. Three of their proofreaders have been institutionalized
and another threw himself in front a delivery van rather than read past
the first chapter. They also warn against eating any food or drink
any beverages while reading the story or to read the screen with "one
hand under the table." One female reader was engaged in this loathsome
practice when she happened upon one of the droller passages in the
third chapter and, in her mirthful agitation, accidentally clawed off
her clitoris.
The story promises to disclose the sexual misadventures of Ebeneezer
Spooge. Although in the first chapter our eponymous hero does, in
fact, have sexual intercourse with the fair Ophelia Kielbasa, during
which she experiences such severe vaginismus (a sudden involuntary
contraction of the female primary sex organ) that Ebeneezer has to be
surgically removed from his corpulent partner, the story is more
accurately described as gross than as erotic. The story comes across
as a really adolescent version of Mad magazine. That’s not all bad;
just be prepared for what you are getting. What I have seen so far is
cleverly written (if we ignore the over-emphasis on scatology) but not
at all complete; and it is not obvious that the authors seriously
intend to finish their epic. That may be its strong point.
Ratings for “Ebeneezer Spooge”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"The Dare” by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@taproot.win.net). Sixteen-
year-old Katie had defied the school dress standards and had gotten
away with it. She had read the Rule Book, and it said nothing about
how much leg a girl can show. It only stated the minimum length of the
skirt itself. Since Katie was tall, a skirt of the requisite length
showed a lot of leg and a bit of ass; and she enjoyed the opportunity
to shock and arouse the boys and teachers.
Having had her fun, Katie mentioned to her friends that the Rule Book
also failed to state that it was necessary to wear underwear. So she
formally dared her friends to join her in a No Underwear Day. For
complex sociological reasons no one in the immediate peer group had
declined a dare in the six years since the Rules of the Dare had been
formalized, and so No Underwear Day was formally scheduled.
When the Day comes, Katie is unwilling to just Do It; she must also
Take Risks. Escalation Station! The other girls begin to take risks
too. An interesting story!
Realism check: when the narrator gives head to the guy in the
Journalism lab, she sucks him deep into her mouth and swallows his cum.
She says she does this in imitation of what she saw in an X-rated
movie. Right! The one thing I have noted about X-rated movies is that
nobody ever comes inside anyone. The actors always shoot their jism
all over the face, the buttocks, or the breasts of their partner -
apparently because viewers would be unable to see this wonderful sight
if the penis were buried deep inside an appropriate receptacle. Katie
and her friends might have learned some interesting things from that
movie, but swallowing male ejaculate would not have been one of them.
Ratings for “The Dare”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Gina” by Anonymous (an659620@anon.penet.fi). The narrator’s wife has
begun seeing her ex-boyfriend again. He finds it to be very hot when
she lets him fuck her downstairs while he waits and listens upstairs.
Afterwards they have better sex than ever.
This is a common theme. Although it doesn’t really appeal to me, I
know it does interest others. The problem is that there’s not really
much development to the story. It’s just “my wife met her ex; they
were attracted; she told me; they fucked; she told me; they fucked;
etc.”
Ratings for “Gina”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
“Lois and Clark: Superman & the Real American Way” by Reality Lines
(an551949@anon.penet.fi). There are basically two ways to deal with
Superman in this newsgroup. First, the author could ask “what if”
questions. What would it be like if Superman fell in love? Or what if
he rescued a woman who fell in love with him? Or what if he mated with
another superhero? This is the approach that Tooshoes followed in her
Supergirl stories, where she explored the emotions that a female
counterpart of Superman would experience if she came to earth during
her adolescence and fell in love. Tooshoes did a good job, and I
approached the present story with the hope that it would give similar
treatment to Superman.
The second approach is to do a parody. In that case the author would
take the major characters from the Superman movies and TV shows and put
them in sexual situations, with a focus on the resulting irony. For
example, I recently saw a segment on Saturday Night Live where Lois
Lane became incapable of recognizing people whenever they put on or
took off their eyeglasses. The humor arises from the fact that Lois
was in love with Superman but not with Clark Kent - and any moron
should have been able to tell that Superman was Clark without the
glasses. I cannot remember seeing a good Superman parody on a.s.s.
Of course, it’s possible to combine the two approaches; and this is
what the present author attempts. His premise is that Superman gets
pissed because he isn’t getting any ass and seeks advice from his
adoptive father, who is actually a homicidal pervert and who advises
him to seize power and take pussy whenever he wants it. Superman joins
up with Lex Luthor, takes over the world, and then comes to rape Lois
Lane, who is portrayed as a selfish vixen who turns the tables on him
and forces him to make her the co-ruler of the world. There’s a kernel
of an idea here, but the story is really pretty lame. The characters
in this story are simply not much like those in any of the Superman
stories with which I am familiar.
I have HEARD of a good Superman sex story, but I can’t find it. I think it’s
entitled "Man Of Steel, Woman of Kleenex". It describes some of the problems
Superman would face having sex in the real world. For example, all of
Superman's sperm would share his super-powers and would destroy a normal human
egg if he tried to impregnate Lois Lane. In addition, his ejaculations would
have the force of a speeding bullet, suggesting not only that any sex partner
would be in for hard times but also that the Kent boyhood home would be
riddled with holes from his youthful experiments with masturbation.
Furthermore, growing up with super-powers that make him hundreds of times
stronger than his human "father" would give poor Clark a powerful Oedipal
complex. Even worse, the only woman Superman could safely mate with would be
Supergirl, but under the Earth's yellow sun her hymen would be as
indestructible as the rest of her. This sounds like an interesting story. If
anyone can send me a copy, I would be happy to read and review it.
Ratings for “Superman & the Real American Way”
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
“Lois's Night In” by The Voice (an284494@anon.penet.fi). Earlier in
the evening Clark had rushed away from Lois under a phony pretext. She
knew full well that he was dumping her for that slut in the office.
(In reality he was off to save the world - or at least a small part of
it.) No matter; she was hot for Superman, not Clark. And so, as she
lay masturbating, her thoughts turned to Superman. Meanwhile, high
above Metropolis, Superman returned from his mission of mercy and was
surprised at what he saw when he used his X-ray vision to look in and
see if Lois was safe.
This story does not quite reach greatness, but it is far better than
the preceding story. I think a lot more could be done with this plot
(as I think happens in "Man Of Steel, Woman of Kleenex"), but at least
this author does a good job of making the plot seem plausible.
Ratings for “Lois's Night In”
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“Passion in Tokyo” by Sachi Mizuno (http://users.aol.com/specpress).
This is a well written first chapter to a Spectrum Press novel. As an
isolated chapter, it is simply a description of a Japanese woman
masturbating and watching her neighbors have hot oral sex. The entire
novel may be worthwhile, but it’s not worth going through a lot of
trouble to read this isolated chapter.
Ratings for “Passion in Tokyo”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
“My Wedding” by WouldBeBad (WouldBeBad@aol.com). The official wedding
took place in the bride’s parents' church, with a wedding march,
candles, flowers, and lots of guests. In her vows she promised to obey
Michael. To most of the people present, this was just a phrase in the
traditional wedding vows. A select few who were invited to a separate
ceremony later that day knew more specifically what that vow meant. The
bride was a successful stoke broker, and she wanted no more stressful
responsibility in her private life. She had told Michael that she
would give herself to him in the privacy of their home if he would
assume all the responsibility. He could have her as a sex slave, if
that meant she didn't have to make decisions. This sounded like a
bargain to Michael; and so now she stood naked except for a garter belt
and a few sensual accouterments in front of a minister and an audience
of 20 people - eager but apprehensive about what would happen next.
This is not your ordinary wedding ceremony. I won’t go into detail
here. Use your imagination or read the story. It’s very well written.
Ratings for “My Wedding”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
“Surprise!” by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). It’s Julie Allen’s 21st
birthday, and so Our Hero and Cousin Jake blindfold and bind her,
kidnap her, cart her off in a packing crate, dump her in the van, and
fuck her both in the van and at their destination. I approve of this
kind of bdsm, because the guys have good reason to believe that this is
just what Julie wanted for her birthday present. The author does an
unusually good job of depicting the sexual activities vividly and
erotically.
Ratings for “Surprise!”
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10