Note: This story was dynamically reformatted for online reading convenience.
 
 Author: Hungry Guy
Title: CELL DIVISION
Summary: Do bacteria get horny?  This story first appeared in The
December 2004 issue #124 of Bewildering Stories at
http://www.bewilderingstories.com/issue124/cell_division.html
Keywords: nonhuman ScFi humor flash
Language: english

   CELL DIVISION BY: Hungry Guy (hungry@stoolmail.zzn.com)

   Eukaryote swam in the hazy sunlight that filtered down through the fetid
swamp water above him.

   Prokaryote, had been swallowed by a larger bacterium earlier that day,
and Eukaryote missed his friend.  Reminded of hunger, he began waving his
cilia in search of free protein molecules.  It was exhausting work, but
after feeding to his fill he went cessile to let himself float to the
bottom.

   It had also been hours since Eukaryote had last divided and he was
feeling horny again.  He waved his cilia in that way that felt just _so_
good.  He kept it up, and felt his orgasm building.

   "Oh man!" he sighed as his prophase began.  He could almost feel his new
kinetochores and kinetochore fibers form inside him.

   "Oh Man!  Oh God!" he moaned as his metaphase began, and his chromosome
began to attach to his new kinetochores.  He could hardly control his
wildly flapping cillia.

   Then his DNA began to replicate.  His mitochondria began working extra
hard to provide him with the energy he would need soon for his mitosis.  He
could feel his single DNA molecule pulling itself in two, then attaching
the resulting two parts onto opposite sides of his cell wall.

   "Oh man, that feels so good!" he moaned again as his anaphase began.  He
was almost there.  He could feel his cell membrane stretching -- stretching
-- almost to the breaking point.

   "Oh God!  Oh God!" he screamed in ecstasy as his chromosomes ripped
apart.

   He began thrashing as he reached his telophase.  It was the creepiest
feeling as his nucleus reformed; yet the orgasmic sensation overwhelmed any
and all discomfort.  He could almost feel himself split in two at this
point, though his offspring was still firmly attached.

   Finally, "Here it comes!  Here it comes!" he screamed in ecstasy as his
cytokinesis phase began.  The intense pain and pleasure of his cell
stretching -- stretching -- until...  "Yeow!" he screamed as his common
cell wall ripped apart leaving two genetically identical partners where
there had been just one.

   His powerful orgasm left him famished.  Eukaryote asked his new
offspring, "Was it good for you too?"

   "Oh yes!  It was wonderful!  The best we ever had!" he answered -- being
asexual, both of them shared the same memories up to this point.

   His offspring looked to be already scouring the waters for free protein
molecules to sate his own hunger, so Eukaryote got his cilia in motion and
began searching out dinner as well.

   * END *