Second That Emotion
by Latikia
Copyright © 2006
Chapter 17
Back on the ward I took Lilly and introduced her to Peggy. Peggy was shy at first but Lilly’s maternal drive eventually won her over and they ended up chatting away like old friends. I left them in Peggy’s room and went for a run around the hospital. I wanted to think a little more about Dr. Wills’ offer of a job.
‘That’s not what you should be thinking about, Ike.’
“What should I be thinking about Mom?
‘When are you going to stop saving strangers and go rescue your sister?’
“Izzy doesn’t need rescuing. She’s doing what she wants to.”
‘Today is the 25th.’
“Is it? I haven’t been paying attention.”
‘You’ve been paying attention. How would I know if you weren’t?’
“Alright! I’ve been paying attention. But if she needed saving, why hasn’t she called or written? Why haven’t I heard anything from Dad?”
‘When Izzy rescued you from yourself, locked up in your room, did you ask her to? Did you ask anyone?’
No, she’d come after me on her own, driven by guilt and her need for forgiveness. Was there any difference now? I had guilt for not knowing enough to tell her how I felt. I’d been hoping my letter to her would encourage her to forgive me for my youth and stupidity. She’d come after me. Was she waiting, hoping, I’d come after her?
I went back up to the seventh floor and knocked on Colonel DeBerg’s office door.
“Come!” his muffled voice called out.
I opened the door and walked in.
“Got a few minutes, Colonel?”
“Sure thing. Have a seat. What’s on your mind?”
“Several things, I’m afraid. But first things first…What can you tell me about Peggy Driscoll? I mean, where is she from, her family life, education, age, what was she doing before she got sent up here…that sort of thing?”
He went digging thru a stack of file folders and pulled out one near the top.
“Let’s see…Peggy Victoria Driscoll, age twenty six.
She was an orphan, abandoned and found wandering the streets of
I nodded my head. That explained a great deal. I’d been on the right track with my diagnosis of her problem.
“Thanks Colonel. I’ve paired her up with Lilly. I’m hoping that having a female friend will keep her calm and more relaxed around the others.”
DeBerg raised an eyebrow.
“And hoping that taking care of Peggy will offer Lilly an outlet for her needs?”
I smiled slightly. “I can always hope, can’t I?”
“We have to keep hoping. Otherwise, what’s the point?”
“My next question is related to the visit a little while back by the CIA.”
“Ah, yes…Dr. Wills and his assistant.”
“Dr. Wills offered me a job, once the Army is done with me.”
“Doing what, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“I believe he said the job title was ‘Deputy to the Deputy Director of Internal Security’. In effect, I’d be his chosen successor.”
The Colonel was silent for nearly a minute. “I have only the vaguest idea what the Deputy Director of Internal Security does, but it sounds to me like spy catching.”
“Pretty much, yes.”
“I can see where you’d be very good at something like that. But what about your medical ambitions?”
“Dr. Wills pretty much guaranteed me a spot at
“So how can I help with this?”
I grinned. “I’m out of change. I was wondering if I could use your phone to call Dr. Wills and tell him I’m accepting his offer.”
I called Dr. Wills’ using one of the numbers on the business card he’d given me.
“Central Intelligence Agency, how may I direct your call?” the disembodied female voice asked.
I gave the extension number off the card and waited.
“Internal Security, state your name and the individual you wish to contact.” The new voice was male and disinterested.
“Ike Blacktower for Dr. Wills.” There was a dead air silence for about ten seconds, followed by some faint clicks and electronic squawks. Then I heard his voice.
“Ike, delighted to hear from you. Have you decided to join us?”
“Yes Doctor. I accept your offer.”
“Wonderful. I’ll have Mr. Jones drop by in a couple of days with the paperwork. We can get all the messy administrative nonsense out of the way so as soon as you are released by the Army you can step right in here.”
“I’ll keep an eye out for Mr. Jones. Thanks again.”
“No, thank you son. You’ve just made my life a hell of a lot simpler. We’ll be seeing you soon.”
The line at his end clicked a few times and there was more electronic noise and then it went dead.
Hmmmm…taps and traces and links, oh my!
Two days later I was in the dayroom playing cards with Walt, Lilly and Peggy. We’d been playing Hearts and Walt and I were getting stomped by the girls, when Captain Rossi came in.
“Ike, Colonel DeBerg would like to see you.”
“Thanks Captain. Sorry guys. Try some cutthroat till I get back.”
Walt and Lilly just nodded, but Peggy seemed a little angry.
I headed out and down the hall. I’d been expecting this all day.
Colonel DeBerg was waiting outside his office. He waved me in and pulled the door shut, staying outside.
“Good afternoon Mr. Blacktower.” Mr. Jones said from behind the colonel’s desk. He’d just finished setting up a small portable computer next to a thin stack of forms.
“Afternoon, Mr. Jones.”
“Please sit down and get comfortable. This won’t take as long as it used to, since most of the forms are kept on computers, but there’s still some actual writing that will have to be done.”
We spent two hours, with him asking questions and me giving answers. Most of the information they already had, from my military records and background checks. But as Mr. Jones pointed out, “There are levels beyond Top Secret, Mr. Blacktower, and in your position you’ll have to have access to all of them.”
I’d just finished filling out my Civil Service application forms and signing them in all the appropriate places, initialing where required or requested when Mr. Jones began shutting down his computer and putting it back into its carrying case.
“Once all the paperwork is filed and annotated by the departments responsible and your final security checks have been completed, we’ll bring you in and get you your credentials.”
“Thank you Mr. Jones.”
He paused, then reached into his jacket pocket and removed a folded piece of paper. He reached out and handed it to me.
“Dr. Wills asked me to tell you that it might be a good idea for you to take some leave and go home. The Doctor doesn’t know about what’s on that paper. That is from one soldier to another.”
I opened the paper. Richard Cruz
Nodding my head in acknowledgement, I folded the paper and put it in my front pocket.
I stood up and shook hands with the man across the desk.
“Thank you.”
He just nodded, gathered up his bag and briefcase and left. I stood in the office and thought.
Richard Cruz. Ricky.
I buttonholed Colonel DeBerg and got him to sign a leave form for me. One week. I had one week. I felt a strange sense of having gone down this path before.
I asked Lilly to keep a close eye on Peggy and let Colonel DeBerg know if anything out of the ordinary happened. We kissed and I told her not to worry, I’d be back soon.
Peggy, it turned out, was harder to talk to. Sitting on the bed in her room I tried to explain.
“Honey, I have to home for a little while.”
“I don’t want you to go. I’ll be all alone again.” She looked like she was on the brink of tears.
“No you won’t. Lilly will be here. You like Lilly, don’t you?”
She nodded, still pouting slightly.
“Peggy, what’s wrong?”
She turned away, shifting her legs on the bed. “Victor and Valentine are gone.”
“Gone? Are you sure?”
Her voice got very small and hushed. “They said they and the other boys were leaving, that I didn’t need them anymore.”
“Peggy, that’s wonderful news! You’re getting better!”
“They said I didn’t need them because I had you to look out for me now.”
Ahhhh…
“I see. Peggy, do you know what I want for you, more than anything?” She shook her head, not looking at me. “I want you to be able to look out for yourself. So that you don’t need me or anyone else to make you feel safe. I want you to be able to do that for you.”
“You do want to leave me!” she accused at the top of her lungs.
“That’s enough!” I growled. I took her arm and hauled her off the bed and drug her out into the hall and down towards the elevators.
Lilly was coming towards us and her smile faded when she saw the scowl on my face and the anger on Peggy’s.
“Father-daughter chat time?” she called as I stormed past, dragging Peggy in my wake.
“Something like that.” I called back over my shoulder. “We’ll be right back.”
We arrived at the elevators just as the doors opened. Three medtechs got off and I pushed Peggy in ahead of me.
“Don’t you move!”
I punched the button for the eighth floor and stood watching while Peggy stared defiantly at me.
The doors opened. I held them open and glared down at the woman who’d backed herself into a corner of the elevator car.
“Out…now!” I growled softly. She scooted quickly past me and stood in the center of the open room.
I waited for the elevator doors to close. Turning around I began moving slowly towards her.
“Peggy, I am not leaving you. I am not abandoning you. I won’t do that. I will look after you until you can do it yourself. And when that happens, I’ll still be your friend.”
“Then why are you leaving me?!” she yelled.
“Peggy, I have a sister and she may be in trouble. She needs my help too.”
“You don’t care about me! You don’t care what happens to me!”
I started losing my temper. I’d never been in a position like this in my life and I had no idea how to deal with it. Frustration and anger surged in me.
I wrapped my hands around her waist, lifted her up in the air and carried her to the mats, still piled up from our last visit. Tucking her under my right arm, I sat down on the mats, then swung her around face down across my knees and smacked her upturned backside.
Peggy grunted with the impact of my hand on her small bottom and started fighting to escape. But I was bigger and stronger and madder than she was. Peggy wasn’t going anywhere unless I let her.
“I care that you won’t listen to me.” I swatted her butt.
“I care that you are selfish.” Another smack. Her struggles decreased some. Then she bit me on the calf.
With the hand I’d been spanking with, I grabbed hold of the waistband of her hospital issued pants and yanked them down over her hips, exposing her naked ass. Her cheeks were already turning a bright red color; the cleft between those burnished globes was open, exposing her anal ring and the bare fleshy lips of her pussy.
“I care that you don’t care about me!” and I walloped the exposed cheeks with the palm of my hand and the sound cracked loudly thru-out the room.
Peggy wailed and cried, her arms wrapped tightly around my thigh, hugging so hard I started to lose some of the circulation.
‘Be very careful, Ike. This could cause problems you aren’t prepared to deal with.’
“Mom, she’s acting like a spoiled child. If she won’t listen to reason, I have to get thru to her somehow.”
‘But she’s not a child. She’s a frightened young woman who’s lost her only means of protection. She’s become fixated on you now; you are her protection. You are her father figure.”
“I’m nobody’s father.” I whispered sadly.
‘You are now. Better get used to it. And remember, she’s not a little child. She’s a grown woman with a child’s needs.’
A child’s need for love, and attention. A need for discipline…
‘Discipline, yes. But be very careful or you could link discipline in her mind with sex.’
“Oh, shit!” I hissed.
Below, Peggy buried her face against my thigh and was crying softly.
“I’m sorry…I do care…I love you.” she gasped thru her hiccups.
Carefully prying her arms loose I lifted her up off my lap and set her on her feet. Her pants slid down and puddled at her feet. I pulled them up and fastened the waistband, closing the snaps. Then I pulled her close and hugged her to me.
Peggy climbed into my lap and I cuddled her, rocking her back and forth.
“I’m sorry I hit you. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“I love you, Ike.” she said softly, her sobs fading slowly.
I linked. The rush of love coming from her was tremendous and frightening. When I’d linked to her before Victor and the others left there was nothing even remotely like this in her. This was all Peggy’s own doing.
It had been years since I’d felt this kind of love. To say I was unprepared would be a massive understatement.
‘Tell them, lover. If you can’t say it, show them.’
“Carlie, forgive me.”
‘There’s nothing to forgive. It’s long past time you moved on with your life. Try and be happy.’
“You have voices too.” Peggy said, awed.
“Yes. We’re a lot alike, you and me.”
I pushed my feelings of protectiveness, concern, affection, and yes love, down the link to Peggy. Her face glowed with joy and her smile was wide and bright. Some of the darkness that surrounded my heart lifted and I felt happy for the first time in a long time.
“I love you too.” I said. “I do have to go away for a little while though, but I will come back. I won’t leave you. Promise.”
She snuggled in close and patted my chest with one small hand.
“Okay. I trust you.”
“I know. I can feel it.” I said, grinning like a proud parent.
I carried Peggy to the elevator and on the ride down to the ward. I set her down just before the doors opened. We walked down the hallway and Peggy went into her room and sat on the bed. I kept walking. Lilly was sitting on my bed next to my duffle bag, already packed and waiting for me.
I gave her a little smile. “I love you.” I said softly, so no one else nearby could hear. I linked quickly and pushed my feelings at her.
“Ohhhh! Oh, my!” she gasped and wrapped her arms around herself.
“I thought you should know, before I left. We’ll see what we can do about the shower when I get back.” I wiggled my eyebrows in my best Groucho imitation.
Lilly giggled and licked her lips. Then she got serious. “How’s Peggy? I’m guessing she didn’t take your leaving too well.”
“Not at first. She thought I was going to abandon her, like everyone else in her life.”
“You know you are her father figure now, right?”
I sighed. “Yeah. I don’t like it, but somehow I’ll manage.”
“I’m not saying anything happened up there and I’m not asking you to tell me. But if what happened is what I think happened, you should be very careful. She could be getting some very confusing mixed messages.”
“Yeah. I figured that out. I just hope it was in time. You two take care of each other till I get back, alright?”
Lilly grinned, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “Sure thing…Daddy.”
“Someone else around here needs a spanking.” I grumbled, picking up my duffle and coat and headed out. I had a taxi and then a plane to catch.
The flight wasn’t very long, but it was very unpleasant. Takeoff was delayed half an hour because of snow on the runway. The flight was plagued by turbulence the entire way. I think our pilot got his jollies by flying inside storm clouds. I got stuck in the middle seat between two overweight men who reeked of cheap cologne and vanilla extract. I despise the smell of vanilla. It gives me a headache and makes me fantasize scenarios that would make Conan the Barbarian puke his guts out.
I hate flying. Not so much the flying; it’s being sardined in with a bunch of people I usually wouldn’t want to share the sidewalk with combined with being too tall to ever find a comfortable position.
We landed after a decade of stench and strained muscles. I stood in line for my rental car and after an additional year was rewarded with my key.
I drove the forty miles in silence, never turning on the radio.
I pulled up in front of my childhood home for the first time since my mother’s funeral. Parking the car by the curb I got out and looked around. Nothing much had changed. I somehow thought it would have.
I walked up to the door and rang the bell. I waited.
I heard someone fumbling with the deadbolt and then the door opened.
“Hello Dad.”
He was older and smaller than I remembered. More gray in his hair, more wrinkles in his face, around the eyes. He was starting to look a little like Granddad.
He looked up at me, taking in the long hair and beard but seemingly not able to put two and two together.
Then his eyes lit up with recognition. “Ike? Is that you?”
“Yeah. It’s me. Can I come in?”
“Yes, yes of course. I’m sorry. You surprised me. Come in, come in.” He backed up, opening the door wider for me. I ducked and stepped inside. Dad closed the door behind me and locked the deadbolt.
He ushered me into the kitchen and we sat down at the table.
“Can I get you anything to eat or to drink?”
“No thanks, I’m fine.”
He sat back in his chair and looked at me.
“I got a letter from the Army last month telling me you were MIA.”
“Yeah, sorry about that. Be thankful they don’t work faster than they do, or you might have had to give back the insurance money. My unit commander thought I was dead. I fooled them all and made it back.”
“I guess that explains the letter that came for Isabeau a few days after the Army’s letter.”
“I gave it to my Colonel and asked him to send it if I didn’t make it back.” I admitted.
“I called her and she came over and opened it here. I didn’t think she was ever going to stop crying.”
I shrugged.
“She called off the wedding the very next day. Nothing Richard could do or say would convince her to set another date.” He sighed loudly. “Things have gotten very ugly between them since then. She left him and came here a few days ago. She’s moved into your old room and locked herself in. I haven’t seen her since she got here. She comes down to eat when I’m at the office, but I never see her when I’m here. I don’t know what to do.”
“Its okay, Dad. I’ll take care of it. That’s why I came back.”
“It’s good to see you Ike.”
I got up. “We’ll have more time to talk later. I’d better go see if I can rescue Izzy.”
I climbed the stairs to the third floor. So much smaller than I remembered. At the top of the landing I stood looking at the door to my room. I sat down on the floor, put my back against the door and started broadcasting. Calm, strength, compassion, understanding, trust, love. I blanked my thoughts and radiated my feelings.
Suddenly the door opened behind me and I fell backward, hitting my head firmly on the floor.
“Fuck!” I said, putting one hand to the back of my skull.
“Who the hell are you?” a voice above me snarled. The image was a little blurry. I blinked my eyes a few times and the face came into focus. I smiled.
“Would you believe me if I said that this is a rescue? Seen any damsels in distress?”
“Ike? IKE!” she shrieked and threw herself on top of me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight against me.
“Sorry I’m late Izzy.” I linked to my big sister. Joy and surprise and happiness and love and fear and pain and…too many, far too many to list. I sent her my love and my trust and understanding.
“You came, that’s what counts. You came.” I sat up, Izzy straddling my hips and giving no indication she was going to get off.
Hands around her waist, I lifted her off me and got to my feet. Then I bent down and scooped her up, carrying her to my old bed and laying her down. I crawled over her prone form and lay down next to her, stretching out fully for the first time all day. Izzy snuggled in under my arm and laid her head against my chest. I stroked her hair in the dark.
“I never had any guilt because of what we did. Never. The guilt I had was for not telling you how I felt about you. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t understand then.”
“You came back.” she mumbled sleepily and moved closer.
Movement in the bed woke me. Izzy was tossing back and forth, kicking and swinging her fists.
“I won’t let you! Get away!” she cried.
One wild roundhouse caught me just under my eye. Damn, for a girl she sure threw a mean punch.
The impact with my face must have hurt her hand, because she woke up cursing and clutching her fingers.
Her breathing was ragged, like she’d been running hard for a long distance. I linked with her and felt the pain in her hand, the fear and terror of her dream were beginning to fade, but something in her was holding those emotions close, not letting them go. Guilt…Izzy was shot thru with an enormous, cancerous guilt.
“Oh, baby…” I whispered sadly.
I got out of bed and moved around to the opposite side.
Izzy cradled her hand and cried into the pillow beneath her head.
I slipped a hand beneath her shoulders and raised her up into a sitting position.
“Come on, let me see that hand.” I spoke gently, softly and quietly, not wanting to frighten her any more than she already was.
I checked her fingers and knuckles for broken bones and split skin. Her hand would be bruised and sore, but nothing worse. Her spirit was a different matter.
I scooped her up off the bed and carried her down stairs to the bathroom on the second floor. I opened the sliding glass door and turned on the water, mixing the flows and waiting for the temperature to warm up.
“Get in the water, Izzy. You’ll feel better. I’ll go get your robe and a towel.” I kissed her on the forehead. “Be right back.”
I went into Izzy’s room for the first time since I was eleven. I didn’t have any good memories of the place. Every time I’d been in here something humiliating had happened to me.
“Fuck it…the only ghost here now is me.” I muttered. Turning on the overhead light I rummaged around in her closet and found a heavy full length blue robe which I tossed over my shoulder. Digging around in her clothes chest I found an old knee length t-shirt that I remembered she used to wear to bed. I shut off the light and went back to the bathroom, taking a large fluffy towel from the hall linen closet on the way.
I opened the door and found Izzy sitting on the toilet, face in her hands, shoulders shaking while she cried.
I hung her robe and t-shirt on one of the hooks on the door, draped the towel on the rack and began removing my clothes. That taken care of I stood Izzy up and began undressing her. Unbuttoned her shirt and slid it down and off her shoulders and arms. Unhooked her bra and took it off. Slipped her pants and panties down over her hips and held her up while she stepped out of them. I directed her into the shower and followed her in, sliding the door closed behind us.
I directed her under the shower head, getting her completely covered with water then picked up a bottle of shampoo and a washrag and began soaping her up; gently running the washrag over her neck and shoulders, down her back and over her hips and ass, the length of her legs and back up again. I saw the fading bruises and what looked like welts from a strap or cord running across her back and shoulders, ass and thighs.
Turned her around and rinsed the foam off, then poured more soap on the washrag and began washing her front; across her upper chest, under her arms and down the sides of her ribs, taking care not to be too gentle with her breasts, then down her belly and between her legs and back up. Again I saw fading bruises along her sides and belly, monkey bites on her breasts and inner thighs.
Turned her around and rinsed her off again. Then I scrubbed her arms and took special care with her injured hand, flexing the fingers and massaging the knuckles. More bruising around her wrists and upper arms.
I wanted to cry.
I washed her long dark hair, running my fingers thru the thick tangle to take out the knots and snags, using the tips of my fingers to massage her scalp and her neck, taking my time and making sure all the soap was rinsed out.
I turned off the water and helped Izzy out and onto the bathmat in front of the shower. I rubbed her down with the towel; trying to make sure I got her completely dry then started on her hair. Drying hair as long and think as Izzy’s takes time. I started rethinking my decision to let my hair grow out. Izzy started to shiver as the temperature in the bathroom began to drop. I stopped working on her hair and helped her put on the long t-shirt and get into her robe. I sat her down on the toilet seat and dried myself off, wrapping the towel around my waist when I was done. I picked Izzy up in my arms and carried her back up to my room, set her on her feet beside the bed, pulled back the bed sheets and blankets, took off her robe and helped her into bed, tucking the sheets and blankets up around her.
“Be right back.” I promised.
I went down to the bathroom and cleaned up, turned off the light and headed back up to my old room. I closed the door and locked it. I dug around in my old dresser and found a pair of high school gym shorts that might still fit, tossed the towel into the clothes hamper and put the shorts on. I climbed into bed and under the covers.
“You probably hate me now.” Izzy said, on her side, facing away from me.
“No. I’ve never hated you.” I reached over and drew her close against me, spooning her against my larger body and held her tight.
“Ike…” she started.
“Shhhh…it’s okay. You’re safe now. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” I linked with my sister and drained her fear, her pain and her crippling guilt, pulling them into me and tucking them in with all my other negative emotions. These I wanted to keep, for now. In their place I put my own feelings of love and compassion.
“Go to sleep and don’t be afraid. We’ll talk in the morning.”
Izzy sighed and her body relaxed slowly. In a few minutes she was fast asleep. I stayed awake all night, holding my sister and sending her the love I’d kept to myself for so many years.