HELP! IÕM LOSING MY MIND!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(oops. Not my mind, my wad.)
(I get them confused sometimes)
Andrew Roller Presents
FUCK DECENCY
Issue No. 198
Naughty Naked Dreamgirls in
Private Places
Chapter Four
ÒBring the tea, Candi. We must have fresh lemon clove tea for
dessert. And a tomato, young lady. I am not going to have full grown
society ladies endure such a sweet torment and not a little ruffian like
yourself. You must participate too, just as you will have your tattoo at
the end of the evening. Let the needles be seen upon the table, so that
there are no misunderstandings here with regard to what we are about. I
should have had them brought out sooner, I think, judging from the looks on
some faces that I see now.Ó She cast her eyes down the row of females
who sat across from their husbands and boyfriends, squirming slightly in
our seats, our bottoms well-plugged by the insidious tomatoes that were
stuffed into our a-holes. ÒYes, my doves, you are here to make a
commitment to your lovers. This is such a disposable society. Well, you
will not easily dispose of what is given to you here tonight. You will be
well gagged, do not fear. I know some of you are quite prominent in the
society, despite your youth. Models, cover girls, starlets, or young
attorneys, or doctors just starting your practise. After so many years of
hitting the books, Alesha, wonÕt it be nice to make a firm commitment by
doing something physical for a change?Ó She looked at a woman near me,
with shoulder-length brown hair, cut that way perhaps for efficiencyÕs
sake, who now sat with spaghetti down the front of her dress and a collar
of spaghetti around her neck. Alesha said nothing, looked across the table
at her boyfriend. He nodded, suavely. He was her supervisor at work,
where she was beginning to see her first patients as a dermatologist.
BoyÕs with problems their penises had picked up out on the street, crabs
and herpes and whatnot, finding her hands cured them in more ways than
one. ÒPlease discharge into this little cup,Ó I could hear her say, as part
of her inspection of their organs. And they would stand there ramrod
stiff, knowing they must masturbate themselves when this lovely young
woman left the room. Ah, to feel such ignominity, knowing Dr. Alesha was
just outside, chatting casually with her handsome supervisor, while her
patient was in the room whacking himself off. When she returned he
would be flaccid, unmanly, though heÕd been so very hard just minutes
earlier. He would sheepishly hand her the product of his solitary labor, in
a little disposable cup. So utterly insignificant it would look then, just a
little pile of white goo. Up a womanÕs belly it might change her life, but
in this small paper cup it was just waste material, no better than shit or
pee. Glumly he would leave the building, yet somehow excited also, if he
was not accustomed to being in such lovely female company. To think, his
sperm was now being examined by beautiful Dr. Alesha! No matter that
she might not date him, right now she was dutifully studying the very
essence of his manhood, however nerdy he might be, or unlovable. Yes, she
would give him the very best service, because she did really care about
her patients. And her lover cared about her. Cared to have her know that,
however successful she might be, she was his pet all the same. She
glanced at her lover, lowered her lashes obediently. As a dermatologist,
she knew how difficult it would be to remove the tattoo. And the worst of
it was, she had no idea where her lover would want it placed.
THREEÕS COMPANY
video reviews by holy joe
Penthouse, The Ultimate Pet Games, VHS, 60 min., Catalogue number:
50799-3, $17.99.
Penthouse, Party with the Pets, VHS, 60 min., Catalogue number: 50568-
3, $17.99.
Penthouse, Wild Weekend with the Pets, VHS, 60 min., Catalogue number:
57013-3, $17.99.
The Ultimate Pet Games
Review: There is a very important word in the dictionary that
porno-makers need to learn. That word is Ôspontaneous.Õ ItÕs the reason
home-made porno videos sell so well. The people in them havenÕt starred
in porno films before, so theyÕre excited and spontaneous.
Some of us are connoisseurs of porn. For us, no matter how
spontaneous it may be, a home-made video just wonÕt do. We demand to
see the worldÕs most beautiful girls in our videos. We demand to see girls
like the Penthouse Pets. All of the above videos feature beautiful
Penthouse Pets. But only one has segments that are spontaneous. The
other two videos are boring.
The Ultimate Pet Games is one of the greatest videos IÕve ever seen.
It features the Pets in various sexy sporting events. All of the events
have been chosen because they make the Pets wiggle, jiggle, and lose what
little clothing theyÕre wearing. In each of the events the girls start out
wearing sexy little outfits. By the end of the event they are nude and,
often, messy. Now, women may think itÕs sort of dumb to watch a bunch of
girls lose their clothing and get all messy, but not me! I LOVE it! I wish
all videos were like this. To me, this sort of video is way better than
some hard-core porno video where people have sex.
In my opinion this video should have a different beginning. It should
start by showing the Pets arriving at the Penthouse mansion in their
street clothes. Then it should show them getting undressed and putting on
their sexy little sporting outfits. But, Bob Guccione being a man who likes
to get to the point, the video begins with the girls already in their
sporting outfits.
ItÕs not a bad start. Our first view of the girls is of them in a
football huddle. Of course, the viewer is somehow magically down in the
middle of the huddle. He can see up into the girlsÕ shirts and watch their
braless boobs wiggle as they converse secretly with one another. (No, you
donÕt get to hear what theyÕre saying, but who cares?)
I should pause to mention what the Pets are wearing at this point.
They are wearing very dumb looking Ôhot pantÕ shorts that cover way too
much of their loins. On the other hand, they are dressed very sexily on top.
Each one is wearing a little football jersey, the kind with ventilation
holes cut in it to allow air in. But these are no ordinary football shirts.
Each has been brutally cut up, ÔFlashdanceÕ style, so that they have huge
arm holes (thru which one can view the tits). They are also cut so that
they barely cover the nipples on a girl, leaving the bottom half of her
boobs hanging out of her shirt.
Ah, what a joy those shirts are! Wearing just their little tops and
their dumb shorts, the Pets are assigned to race each other through an
obstacle course. First, each Pet steps into a potato sack. She has to jump
up and down across the grass with both her feet in the sack. Next, they
must lift their arms and cross hand-over-hand along monkey bars. Of
course this lifts up their little shirts and lets us see their bosoms even
more easily!
After completing the remainder of the course, the Pets all gather in
a circle. Then, laughing, they pull off their tops and shimmy down their
shorts. Now they are utterly naked, except for their long hair, little
leather gloves to protect their hands, and sneakers. Now they redo the
obstacle course, this time in the nude.
There are other events. Two girls get completely nude and are oiled
down by their friends (who are also nude). Then they get into a very slick
Ôboxing ringÕ and wrestle with each other. In another event, the girls,
naked except for tennies and gloves, engage in a tug of war with a rope.
There are two teams of girls. Each team tries to pull the other into a mud
puddle.
The tug of war is completely flawed. There is just a (very small)
puddle of mud in the grass. HereÕs how you do a tug of war. First, you
need to have a Ôcanyon.Õ (Like the grand canyon, except itÕs manmade and
just right for a bunch of nude girls to fall into). On either side of this
canyon, the two teams stand. Put the first girl on each team very close to
the edge of the Ôcanyon.Õ (Make sure the canyon is wide enough so that if
both teams fall in at once they donÕt hit each other.) NOW begin the tug of
war. In no time (which is the point here), one of the teams will have lost
a girl to the canyon. At that point, that team has lost. Now all the losing
girls must follow their team-mate into the canyon and proceed to put mud
all over each other, especially in their nice, clean hair. (I learned that by
watching a Playboy video, in case you were wondering.)
Another great segment in this video features the girls having a bath.
Feminists will be outraged to learn that the bathtub the girls use is
actually a horse trough! The girls all gather around the trough out in the
middle of a meadow. They strip naked and have fun washing each other.
Some events in this video were, in my opinion, not very effective.
The girls have a volleyball contest. Now, the point of all these events
should be to see girls feeling (somewhat) unfortunate as they lose their
clothing. But the girls in the volleyball event are so busy ÔmooningÕ each
other and showing their boobs that it hardly seems unfortunate when they
lose their clothes. Yes, we know these girls are sluts who donÕt give a
damn about showing their bodies. But at least they could PRETEND to wish
to stay clothed. It makes it all the more fun when they wind up naked,
believe me. (And messy!)
Another segment that didnÕt work was a second volleyball segment.
This one takes place in a swimming pool. But, again, the girls were so
busy ÔvampingÕ that it hardly seemed exciting when they lost their
swimsuits. It may seem odd to advise Penthouse Pets to feign modesty.
But just as lingerie can, at times, be more exciting than total nudity, so it
is with modesty. Consider this: one girl says, ÒHey baby, look at my
boobs.Ó The other girl, equally beautiful, says, ÒOh, my Godddd! My bikini
top came off!Ó Which do you prefer?
Remember, girls, males like to feel that theyÕve conquered a female.
Being told by some broad, ÒGet in bed, weÕre going to fuckÓ is very
UNappealing.
Interspersed between the sporting events are videos of the Pets.
(Like a video centerfold.) These were uniformly boring. It was, I think,
due to the complete lack of spontaneity in the ÔcenterfoldÕ segments.
One segment was okay. It featured two girls squirting whipped
cream, chocolate syrup, honey (etc.) on each other. But, really, there
wasnÕt enough of the ÒOh my Godddd!Ó in the segment. It just looked like
two Pets Ôgoing through the motions.Õ
I have found that Guccione gives very good value in his videos. The
video as a whole may be a total bore, but you do feel that heÕs loaded it up
with lots of different segments and tried his best. Playboy videos, on the
other hand, have always seemed to me to be trying to get away with
delivering the minimum amount of porn that they can. It is, I suppose, like
the two magazines. Each issue of Penthouse is loaded with pictorials,
while in Playboy you basically get one pictorial. As with the magazines,
so too with the tapes.
Party with the Pets
Review: This one was totally boring. Its best segment features the
Pets getting into a Ômud holeÕ completely clothed. Then they proceed to
undress and smear mud all over each other. However, great as that sounds,
there is not even one second of enjoyment in it. It is a totally Ôby the
numbersÕ sort of thing.
Wild Weekend with the Pets
Review: Another dud video. Its best segment is one where the girls
strip each other and fall into a pool. But, beyond that, none of the
segments have any spontaneity to them. At the end the Pets all strip
naked and pretend to dance with each other in a living room. I almost fell
asleep watching it. I mean, did anybody ever think, ÒGee, letÕs have one of
the girls secretly pick up a can of whipped cream and start squirting it all
over everyone?Ó Now, that would have been excellent. But no, nobody on
the crew was bright enough to suggest that. Instead, we see the girls
literally Ôwaiting out the clock,Õ staring nude into the cameras, waiting
for ÒcutÓ to be called so they can go off and have wild sex in their real
lives with their boyfriends. (Off camera, of course).
Howard Stern called Penthouse Pet of the Year Elizabeth Ann Hilden
ÒPenthouse Pest of the Year.Ó And he is right on target. I donÕt think IÕve
ever seen a colder, more unapproachable female. I donÕt care how cold she
is on his show, but when I pay $17.99 to see your ÒWild Weekend,Ó MRS.
Hilden, I EXPECT you to do something exciting!
Another complaint I have is that I had to pay for these videos. You
would think IÕd get them for free. For awhile I was living in the dumpster
behind Woodbridge Elementary. It was a great place, but when the little
girls came out to empty the trash they complained that they heard
ÒsnoringÓ down under the trash. So I got in trouble and had to move. Now I
am living in a porta-potty near the new Federal Building theyÕre erecting.
I canÕt sleep in the daytime anymore, though. All day long the porta-potty
is being used by construction workers. But when night comes, I can sneak
inside and sleep there. At first, it is kinda stinky. (You can imagine how a
porta-potty smells after 200 guys have been taking a shit in it all day.)
But I keep the door ajar and by midnight or so it isnÕt too bad. Anyway,
send your porn there, if you want me to review it. Tapes, magazines,
inflatable dolls, whatever.
Now in honor of the good video that I reviewed (Ultimate Games) I
have composed a poem:
Praise girls from whom all bosoms grow
(Except for fat guys)
Praise pussies here below
Praise fingernails and long hair
But praise girls most when they are bare!
(or wearing very little)
Finally, let me mention that there is TONS of great porn at Tower
Books this month (and other quality stores). HereÕs two magazines I really
liked:
PlayboyÕs Lingerie Model Search, $6.95.
Review: The name ÒJacqueline MarieÓ should, by now, be burned
irretrievably into your mind. What a girl. In her pictorial, Jacqueline
slips into a motel room to spend the night with her boyfriend. She thinks
that long white box with a red bow around it contains a dozen roses. But
her boyfriend told me that the box actually contains a riding crop!
Kristine MacFadden demonstrates in her pictorial how to brush your
teeth. Wow! That picture turned me on WAY more than some Penthouse-
type shot of a girl spreading the lips of her cunt. So I figured IÕd propose a
deal to Kristine. If you come over to my porta-potty every day and show
me how to brush my teeth, I promise to brush them every day. (Instead of
only on National Holidays.)
Heidi Lynn Davis was delighted when she heard that I was coming to
her restaurant. She took off all her clothes in order to properly serve me.
Now THAT is what I call service. They should have the girls at McDonaldÕs
do that. (Unfortunately I got off the bus one stop too soon and went to the
wrong restaurant.)
Mayfair, Volume 31, Number 12, $6.99.
Review: This magazine has more pictorials than any other! This
month itÕs loaded with many, many great pictorials. My favorite was the
centerfold pictorial. It features a glorious poster of two girlsÕ bottoms.
One bottom is fat but the other is perfect. They are both split so wide
that you can see into their bottomholes, and of course you can see their
pussies. Trust me, I wouldnÕt recommend a centerfold simply because it
shows two girlsÕ asses. This is a very, very beautiful centerfold. One girl
is on top of the other. The one on top is perfect. You see her long hair
spilling down her back. You catch a glimpse of one of her bosoms hanging
down. And, of course, you see her lovely round bottom sticking straight
out at you! This is a truly great poster. Buy several and you can throw
darts at the extra ones!
AND IN THE END...
BEST IDEA OF THE YEAR
ÒMaybe Virgin and Tower ought to offer cafe lattes and lingerie.Ó
- Time, January 13, 1997, pg. 58.
(Put them next to the porno rack! -h.j.)
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-END OF 198 EMISSION
Jackeline Marie,
How I love thee!
Could I watch thee pee?
Or do some dooty?
Or get a spankie?
Oh, Glory Bee!
This poem is naughty!
Please donÕt hate me.
Or hit me with your knee.
You fill me with Insanity!
And now I have to go, you see
My dick is out, and free
But not to pee!
It is ready for Thee!
(who knows... she may like guys who write poetry)