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holy joe's Guide for Groupies
As an Internet Sex God, I realize that it's possible I might attract
groupies.
(Okay, truth in advertising:) As a geeky little masturbator, I realize
it's possible I might attract groupies. Admittedly the only prospective
groupie I've had so far has been a 75-year-old gay man who was into
bondage, but hope springs eternal. Therefore, it's incumbent for me to
provide a Guide. I don't want to needlessly dash anyone's hopes.
First, I am only interested in girls. Not women, and not retirees who
are into bondage. Allow me to be as specific as I can. Here are the ages of
girls I'm interested in, and not interested in:
Age 0: Sorry, but I don't like babies. I feel you look ugly and you
make a mess.
Age 1-3: Admittedly girls in this age group can be cute, but I feel
you still belong to your mother. Come back when you're older. (Don't
worry, you won't have to wait long for me!)
Age 4-6: You're pretty great, but sometimes you throw tantrums, for
no apparent reason. You can also do things which are rather embarrassing,
like standing on your chair in the middle of dinner.
Age 7: For some reason you always strike me as skinny. Come back
next year.
Age 8: This is pretty much the perfect age. This was the age of
Alice in Wonderland. You're still a bona-fide child, yet you're a little bit
of a teen too. The only trouble is, one never knows if you're going to be a
child or a teen.
Age 9: Another great age. A 9-year-old is still young enough to talk
to the littlest kids on the block, as a sort of mother figure, yet old enough
to go places and do things too. If you're 9, you're definitely in the running
to be my groupie.
Age 10: Wow. You're getting kind of big, at least for me. Still, I
think you're great, if you don't act too bitchy. You can be my groupie too.
Age 11: Another great age. Definitely able to go places and do
things, yet still an 'under 12' girl. You're certainly eligible to be my
groupie.
Age 12: Yikes! You're a little old for me. Still, if you're willing to
be a child, and not get all obsessed over adult-type issues, you can be my
groupie too.
Age 13: Sorry, but according to Frontline, on Public Television, you
are not a virgin. So even though you're cute, you're not eligible to be my
groupie. Your parents may not know about your group sex sessions with
your junior high friends, but I do.
Age 14: Again, we're faced with the same problem as with 13-year-
old potential groupies. Sure, you're cute, but anybody who's been
simultaneously fucked in the mouth, ass, and cunt is way above my league.
Age 15: Ha! What are you going to do, tell me you lost it riding a
horse? Forget it, honey. You're practically a fucking woman!
Age 16: Sorry, I don't even notice you when I go walking around. If
there are any little girls present, I don't even see you.
Age 17: You're scary. Not only are you almost a woman, but by now
you must have had sex about 100 million times. Go love a guy who sings in
a rock band. He'll be too stoned to notice how old you are.
Age 18: Gasp! You are really scary. You ARE a woman! Thank God
I've got my phone handy, and can call 911 if I need to. You can meet me
when you have a daughter.
Well, that sums up the people who are eligible to be my groupies.
Girls age 12 and under, with the emphasis on ages 8 through 11. Now I can
post on the Internet in peace, knowing I won't be luring girls on.
Speaking of groupies, Sean Penn has plenty in Woody Allen's 1999
movie Sweet and Lowdown. Sean plays Emmet Ray, the second greatest
guitar player in the world during the 1930's. As Emmet travels through
life, he comes upon a mute laundry girl. She is named Hattie, and is played
by Samantha Morton. Although she's apparently a virgin when she first
meets Emmet, she quickly develops a liking for sex. She also likes
presents, in an endearing little girl way. And she loves food, especially
candy and dessert. She's also very good with the traditional wifely duties,
such as doing laundry, making the bed, and cooking. So the question arises,
will Emmet stay with his cute little girl, or will he dump her for the
various glamorous mature women who keep hitting on him?
And there's another question too, for you the viewer. This movie
presents a whole gamut of women. Which one do you like the best? In my
case, I thought Hattie was great. As for the other women, I found them
totally obnoxious. I wasn't the least bit attracted to them. And before
you simply say, "Oh well, he's a pedophile", let me say that I have no less
than Chris Rock on my side. In a comedy special I recently saw him do, he
listed three requirements for a woman: "Feed me, fuck me, and shut the
fuck up." Who better could fulfill Chris' conditions than Hattie? She's
mute, so she never talks. And, as mentioned already, she likes sex and
being a proper wife. In my case, I don't care if a girl talks. It's usually
rather interesting and if it isn't (and it isn't in this movie, since the
talking women are obnoxious) you can just tune it out.
As you may have noticed, Woody Allen no longer stars in his films.
(Despite managing to list himself first in this film's credits.) I suppose
Woody thinks he's gotten too old to play himself in his movies. In Radio
Days, made in the 1980's when he still sometimes starred in his films, he
interrupts the film at regular intervals to provide narration. This
technique works in Radio Days. However it doesn't work at all in Sweet
and Lowdown. Woody, and various contemporary friends of his, regularly
interrupt the movie. They not only speak over the film, they also stop it
dead, showing their pretty face, close up, and talking about Emmet Ray.
This has the effect of demeaning both the story and the actors. Instead of
watching an actual story unfold, that seems as if it's really happening
before our very eyes, we are reduced to feeling that we're watching some
sort of shadow play or puppet show. Any actor less powerful than Sean
Penn would be drowned by such a technique. Fortunately Sean is so strong
on film, and surrounded by such talented co-stars, that each time, after
Woody nearly kills the film, Sean and his co-stars manage to recover the
illusion of reality and get it going again.
Woody, there is no problem with growing old before your audience.
An actor who is well loved can get "too old" for various parts and still
play them, because the audience is indulgent. However, switching to a
Godlike narrator mode is not working. It is ruining what is otherwise a
fine film. Shut up, and get out of the picture, or star in it as the leading
man.
As for Sean Penn, although I haven't seen all his films, I can say that
every film I've seen him in so far, no matter who it's made by, has been a
quality film. I've enjoyed it. This is not the case with Tom Cruise, who
would be the only other logical contender for the category I'm about to
speak of. (Or Tom Hanks, since I've been bored by some of his movies.)
That category is, of course, "Greatest Living Actor". I nominate Sean Penn.
I didn't have any feelings toward the guy in the past, so I have no inbuilt
bias. I think in the past I might not have even liked him, although I spend
most of my time thinking about little girls, so I don't remember for sure.
But my vote is for Sean Penn, if anyone's wondering. He seems like a
modern day Clark Gable. Definitely not the handsomest guy on the block,
but with some sort of quality inherent in him that makes him continually
watchable and interesting. Like many successful actors, he's physically
quite short, which may be news to people who think all actors must
certainly be tall.
Sweet and Lowdown, despite Woody's narration, is a very enjoyable
film. T.V. Guide gives it three stars, on a scale that I assume goes to four
stars, and that seems exactly right to me. It could have been a four star
film, but Woody's interruptions and the film's somewhat disappointing
ending mar it. This is a film that needed to be told straight through, and,
unless some grand point was going to be made, it needed to have a
Hollywood ending tacked on to it, damn the facts (or, rather, in this case,
the lack of facts).
For a Hollywood ending, there's no better example than The Bride.
This is a 1985 remake of Frankenstein. Jennifer Beals plays the bride of
Frankenstein, and what man could ask for a cuter or more virginal little
girl? In fact, since Sting (Dr. Frankenstein) got to sew together exactly
the parts he wanted, this untutored little girl looks like a Playboy
Playmate. Will Sting get to have fun with his little girl Playmate, or will
she grow up before he can bed her, and will she reject him for some other
lover? That's the question, and you'll have to watch for the answer. This
is the best Frankenstein movie I've ever seen.
And now it gives me great pleasure to present to you the Ideal Little
Girl. Yes, I have found her, at last. The Lord has blessed me. You
remember how I said I liked Katherine Heigl, in My Father the Hero, but
that unfortunately, since she's 14, she's probably not a virgin and
therefore too old for me? Well now I have found a girl, a younger girl
obviously, who is definitely a virgin! It is Scarlett Johansson, who plays
Mannie in the film Mannie and Lo. Once again I have a woman director, and
the Sundance Channel, to thank for this blessing. (Although the film itself
is presently showing on Starz!)
As usual, I came upon this film as it was in progress. So I missed
the beginning, and saw only the latter half. As for what I saw, it struck
me as rather ridiculous. Not impossibly ridiculous, but pretty unlikely.
However, the great news is that, unlikely as this film's premise may be,
Scarlett Johansson is the star of the film. She is on camera almost the
entire time, providing two hours of little girl bliss. And what she does,
and says, is totally realistic, even if the movie as a whole is ridiculous.
Mannie and Lo provides an excellent test for any male viewer. Do you
prefer Elaine, played by Mary Kay Place? (Hint: only if you're a "single",
i.e. over 40 or 50 years old.) Do you prefer Lo, played by Aleksa Palladino?
(Hint: Only if you're a testosterone laden 18-year-old who's desperate to
get laid.) Or do you prefer Scarlett Johansson? As for myself, there is no
question. Mary Kay Place is way too old, and Aleksa Palladino, in addition
to being pregnant (in the film), is too old and way too screwed up. No, I
like, as usual, the youngest girl. In fact I would label her my ideal
girlfriend. Too bad the movie was made in 1995, and she is, in real life,
too old for me now. But I can watch, and dream. And hope that she has a
little sister!
Well, that's it for now. We've talked about little girls, little girls,
and little girls. I think I've covered all the bases I'm interested in.
Hopefully I mentioned all the ones you're interested in too.
30
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