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holy joe invests in the American Dream
Did you know that IÕve tried twice to be a Realtor? When I
discovered how much commission a Realtor could get selling a house, I
figured this was a quick way to wealth. But I didnÕt want to fool around
just selling any sort of houses. I went to Palm Springs to sell million
dollar homes.
This was not my brightest idea. At the time I had no money and so I
wasnÕt able to bathe regularly. Trying to sell millionaires housing while
taking baths once a month made a tough profession even tougher.
I must ask God forgiveness for the racist thought I had at this point.
I figured, ÒWell, since I smell, why not sell housing in Harlem?Ó However
by the time I walked there my clothes were completely worn out. All
except for a free shirt IÕd gotten at a rally in Louisiana. IÕd been
embarrassed to wear it going across the country, but mindful of my new
employerÕs Òno shoes, no shirt, no serving the publicÓ policy, I decided to
wear it.
HereÕs some advice for a budding Realtor. DonÕt try selling homes in
Harlem wearing a David Duke t-shirt. As you can imagine, thanks to my
shirt my career wasnÕt a hit, although I did get hit more than once. Also,
people in Harlem do in fact bathe, so I was still batting out in the bodily
odor department.
IÕm not one to give up, though. IÕm about to start selling real estate
again. (Or trying to.) This time I have decided to increase my credibility
as a Realtor by buying my own home. And I have! IÕve made, in the last
week, a down payment on my very first home: a used porta-potty. (In the
industry we call this Òmanufactured housingÓ.)
Owning my own home, I needed someplace to stick it. So after
thinking awhile I decided to put it next to a playground. I could make it
look like a toilet provided for the children. I drilled a hole in the back of
the toilet and put a camera there, to get at least some renumeration for
the use others would be making of my home. Soon a little girl on the
playground had to go to the bathroom. I directed her to my toilet and then
ran behind it to start filming. She was quite cute--some perv would no
doubt pay a bundle for a tape of her lifting her skirt!
Pretty soon other little girls were needing to use the toilet, and I
began counting up all the money I could make selling tapes. Heck, with
this kind of business, I could skip being a Realtor and spend all my money
filming little girls!
Then a boy showed up in my cameraÕs viewfinder, clutching his groin.
I was about to let him go into my toilet when I remembered being a little
boy. Could you ever resist, as a lad in a private john, swinging your pecker
all over the place? I couldnÕt. To my horror I realized this little boyÕs
pleasure would be doubled when he realized little girls would be using
this same toilet after he was through. So I rushed around to the front and
pointed to some bushes.
ÒGo over there,Ó I told my prospective male guest. ÒPee like a man.Ó
You would think that I would be happy with my little business,
filming children in my home using the bathroom. Unfortunately I got
greedy. There were some cute little girls who hadnÕt used my toilet yet,
so I went off to the store and bought some lemonade. Plus some laxative.
I mixed the two together and went rushing back to the playground and
offered all the children Òfree lemonadeÓ.
Wow! Was my toilet popular 20 minutes after I served that
lemonade. Girls were lining up in droves and boys were crapping like mad
in the bushes. Unfortunately a fat girl went into my porta-potty and I
guess she must have been full of crap because as she dawdled in there,
other little girls, unable to hold onto their poop as they waited in line,
began shitting in the grass. (While still in line. ArenÕt girls sweet?) I
was filming like crazy but unfortunately my camera was stuck in the back
of my toilet. All I was getting was video of some fat chick pooping her
ass off. Just then disaster struck. A woman came along walking three
dogs. (I guess she was worried about perverts in the neighborhood, or
something.) When the dogs smelled all that pee and poop, they broke free
from the lady and went running onto the playground and began sniffing all
the childrenÕs behinds. IÕm sure you remember the scene in the Story of O
where a dog sniffs OÕs ass? ThatÕs pretty much what happened-- little
girls were going ÒYEEEEEK!Ó as the dogs went at their asses. One dog was
so energetic that his nose got stuck up a girlÕs bottom. He was a big
strong dog and for a minute or so he went around looking perplexed, but
delighted, with a girl sitting literally in mid-air on his nose.
You would think my luck couldnÕt get any worse, but it did. I had
yanked my camera out of the back of the porta-potty by now. I was all set
to do an innovative art film of little girls and doggie sodomy. As I came
around from the back of the porta-potty, however, the woman whoÕd been
walking the dogs screamed. It didnÕt take her any time at all to figure out
what I was doing.
ÒMy God! That filthy manÕs filming little children taking a shit!Ó the
nosy woman cried. Just then a cop car drove up. A woman police officer
got out. She came straight towards me, completely ignoring the dogs who
were causing all the trouble. She was getting her handcuffs out and was
about to arrest me when she suddenly realized who I was: holy joe, the
worldÕs greatest pervert. She threw aside her handcuffs and wanted my
autograph. Unfortunately she wanted it in blood.
I fled the playground. My new home got picked up by a police truck
and is sitting in a police evidence room somewhere. Thank God my DNA in
the bottom of the toilet is mixed in with the DNA of a dozen or so little
girls! I donÕt know if I will continue with my plan of trying real estate
again. After all, it would be rather embarrassing to have to explain that I
was a homeowner, but that my home got repossessed by the police after I
used it to shoot video of little girls taking a shit.
Will I ever have a piece of the American dream? I donÕt know. When
you work as hard as I do and only have video of a fat chick taking a shit,
(now in a police evidence room), plus a blood spattered David Duke t-shirt,
itÕs hard to believe in America. However at least IÕm going to be able to
take a bath. IÕm in San Diego now, and thereÕs a river nearby. IÕm not sure
what itÕs called but it flows into our country from Mexico so IÕm hoping it
has some salsa or tacos or something in it.
Yep, I can see it now, hiking here along the border. ItÕs brown, like
the chocolate river in Willy Wonka! I knew my shit would come in some
day.
30
Realtor is a trademark of the National Association of Realtors,
which reminds the public at every opportunity not to use the word Realtor
unless they are speaking of bum like me who paid dues to the orgasination
while not selling homes (or bathing).
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-- Naughty Naked Dreamgirls (Library of Congress ISSN: 1070-1427)
is copyright 2001 by Andrew Roller. All rights reserved. NND and
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