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Dear holy joe,
YouÕre obviously never going to make it as a writer. How do you
survive?
holy joe replies,
Sir. Your lack of esteem for my writing talent is astonishing. But I
will answer your question anyway. Compared to the frontiersmen who
settled this country, I consider myself to be living in the lap of luxury.
First of all, I have several homes. I probably have more than you do.
There is the Morganstern Building, that is going up on Fifth Avenue. They
have a portable toilet there. I sleep in it after the construction crews
have gone home. The other day I had diarrhea and then the flusher broke,
so I guess I might wait awhile before going back there (in more ways than
one), but it was time for a change of scenery anyway. So last night, I
found a new elementary school that is being built, up on Oak Ridge. They
have a toilet there too! So I slept in that one, wondering if any little girls
might be using it some time in the future. (Too bad I couldnÕt install a
camera there!)
Now you might wonder, alright, he has a home and even a vacation
home where lots of little girls will be running around soon, but what about
food? Simple. We have Burger Kings here. What you do is you get a cup.
Did you ever notice that you can drink all you want at Burger King? I go
there in the morning and ask for a cup of water. They give me a little tiny
cup, so I canÕt steal soda from them. But IÕm smarter than they are. First
chance I get, I swipe a cup from somebody whoÕs finished with it. Then I
sit there all day, using his cup to partake of the bountiful waters of
Burger King.
Okay, okay, thatÕs the drink part, but what about the food? Ever
notice what youÕre supposed to do with your meal when youÕre finished
with it? YouÕre supposed to dump the remains in the trash. People hate
doing that. So I offer to do it for them. Except that before I actually get
to the trash can, I sit down and finish what they started. Do that several
times and you get quite full, belive me. Admittedly itÕs probably the cause
of my diarrhea, but at least it gives me time to write.
Now you might wonder how a homeless bum like me manages to post
on the Internet. Do I own a computer? No, we have KinkoÕs copies here.
ThereÕs a guy who works the night shift who wants certain unavailable
items on the Internet (legally, I mean), but heÕs too scared to get them
himself. So, using my knowledge of computers that I picked up at a
community college, I get him all he wants. Untraceably. And I get to sit
all night at KinkoÕs, using their computer.
Transportation. Admittedly this is somewhat more difficult. Not
even truckers like giving lifts to a guy with flies swarming around him.
But did you ever notice how big those trucks are? ItÕs a long way from the
front of them to the back. Once I hitched a porta-potty to the back of a
truck and went all the way across the country! ThatÕs when I had to figure
out what to do with the remains of my friend Lynn Hanson. But mostly I
use my two feet. ThatÕs what God gave them to me for. I get free exercise
in the great outdoors, while youÕre slaving away in some office.
Then there is my social life. We have playgrounds here.
YouÕre wondering about my sex life? We have Tower Books here too.
Some stores donÕt let people ÒreadÓ for free, but I found one that does.
Just walk up to the porno section, stick your hand in your pants, and start
rubbing. If youÕre lucky, a cute little girl might even walk by!
LetÕs see, I think IÕve covered everything. Oh, yes. Showers and
baths. Hey man, weÕve got a river here. If you donÕt mind the sewer outlet
that flows into it, you can get pretty clean. I donÕt like fishing (too
messy, with hooks and all), but if I did I could probably just sleep by the
river and fish all day. But IÕm an urban man, I like being able to enjoy the
amenities of modern life, like Burger Kings and this computer.
Well, I hope I have helped you learn how to survive outside the rat
race of employment, if you should ever get up the guts to quit your job.
But youÕll probably just stay there for the rest of your life, chained by
your wage to your desk, a modern slave! In my case, I shall roam the
highways and byways, and who knows? Sometime during the day, if I get
diarrhea, you might see me shitting by the side of the road. Maybe your
daughter will see me too!
30
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