Keywords: M/F oral, parody Author: W R Jenkins Title: Harry Potter and Huge Big Prick Disclaimer:(standard) Do not screw up. Do not do anything illegal. This includes specifically (but not limited to) reading on if you are under 18- 21 in some localities If you are underage you must leave now. If you're young and curious, this is not the place to get the straight story. You act like this and people will look at you strange and give you a wide berth. Also, don't try this at home. Some of this stuff is just plain wrong, most of it is unsafe in the present viral climate and some of it doesn't work in this universe. They are stories. They deal with ideas, fantasies and thoughts that might not even be pleasant in real life. Thoughts are like that. Fantasies are there so we can toy with the sensations without feeling or inflicting the pain, despair or humiliation. End Sermon. Harry Potter and the Huge Big Prick - It's not so weird to think about them plunging the pink porpoise, riding the red rooster, jammin' the juicy jelly-hole now is it? While prior insiders have documented the wishful witches and wizards using magic to discover and discern what it's all about, the post-OWL perpetrators have honed their hexes to the ultimate uglies and intricacies of invasion. M/F, oral Harry Potter and the HBP "Narcissa! wait up!" Bellatrix said through two or three pages of describing the derelict area and shabby quarters chosen by Severus Snape. Finally at the door, the sisters were admitted by the greasy- haired potions teacher. Please, oh please, help us, begged Narcissa. "Two questions first," Snape said, "Actually three, but one isn't much of a question. What do you want? What will you do for it? And does Wormtail get any?" "Euuuuwwww!" Narcissa and Bellatrix answered the third question in unison. "I need you to protect my boy, needle-dick, er, Draco," Narcissa said. "And I suppose we can take whatever you've got to hand out," Bellatrix said with a defiant look. "Oh, I see, both of you, eh?" Snape's nasty dark eyes lit up. "I know you have no loyalty, so this is pretty much you're just horny, eh Bellatrix?" "No loyalty!" Bellatrix exploded. "I spent years in Azkaban. I didn't see you in there." "That's because I can't shove my fist inside my sex organ to amuse myself. Every day. All day. For years," Snape taunted. "But I'm blonde and still pretty," Narcissa said. "You must appreciate my sacrifice." "I don't think it's that much of a sacrifice," Snape snorted and then smiled an evil smile. "But I always did feel sorry for you- having to put up with old 'isn't once a year enough' Malfoy." Narcissa stared down at her knees as Bellatrix kept up her defiant stare. "All right Narcissa, I imagine you haven't forgotten what to do with one of these," Snape said as he opened his robes to dangle his cock in Mrs. Malfoy's face. "Don't you want me? Is ickle Snivellus scared of big strong Death Eaters?" Bellatrix mocked him. "I'm not giving you the easy one," Snape smiled, "No, I've already decided what to do with you." He looked down at Narcissa. "Now suck," he ordered. "And when I cum I don't want you to spill a drop." "What about Draco?" Bellatrix asked as she watched her sister gobble Snape's gagger. "Do I have to think of everything? I'm busy," Snape snapped, "Can't you do that binding thing on your own?" Belltrix snarled at Snape as she brought out her wand and swung it in circles. "Star light, star bright..." Bellatrix started the incantation. "This isn't Disney," Snape scolded. "Stick your wand up my ass and stop fucking around." Narcissa's eyes grew as wide as saucers. Her cheeks bulged. As she tried to pull back, a red light looking much like a strand of barbed wire wound around Snape's buttocks and her head. She pounded her hands against Snape, but it only made a second strand encircle her head alone. Tears ran from her eyes as a third light stretched out from Snape's navel like a rope and jerked her head toward him. Loud gagging came from her throat as Snape leaned his head back with a sigh. "Oh yes, Narcissa, show me how much you love it!" he said to the flailing woman as her struggles became weaker and weaker. "I'd almost forgotten how good that can be when a woman 'locks onto' her task," Snape chuckled as a nearly unconscious Narcissa was released from the binding spell by his ejaculation. "Well then, Severus, I don't think you need me," Bellatrix said haughtily. "You have been bound to save Draco." "Must I remind you?" Snape asked in a tired voice, "I shit on your wand. Are you that ignorant, or don't you think I know what that means?" "You don't look like you're in any condition to invoke that magic now," Bellatrix observed. "Why don't you call it a day? A very satisfying day for you, I'm sure." "A satisfying day is when I have that twitchy nephew of yours perched on my dick and two or three of the girls licking my balls," Snape said to a gasp from Narcissa and a scowl from Bellatrix. "I'm the potions master. Do you really think I'm through with you?" In response to a pleading look from the recuperating Narcissa, Bellatrix lifted her robes as Snape selected a violet potion from a shelf of vials. He held it up for Bellatrix to see. "Next time you have Wormtail to tea, you can share your impressions of the little purple potion," Snape said with a nasty laugh. "I think it's his favorite." Bellatrix had no pity to spare for Peter Pettigrew as Snape pushed his limp pecker inside her with his fingers and then drained the vial in one go. Faster than the potion could have run down Snape's throat to his waist, she felt his cock grow inside her. "You should sell that. Then you wouldn't have to live in such a dump," Bellatrix said arrogantly. She had just gotten the jape out when her expression and tone changed. Her eyes, if possible, went wider than Narcissa's and she screamed. "No! What is happening! Make it stop!" she shouted in agony, "It's getting as big as a baby's head!" "As big as MY head," Snape corrected and lunged. Bellatrix babbled gibberish as a bulge like pregnancy could be seen to move in her abdomen as Snape thrust in and out of her. Bellatrix was beyond pain. She barely hung on the edge of consciousness but Snape sneered at her just the same. "You can take what I give you, eh?" Snape chortled. "Then take it. But I don't see a smile. Is there something wrong Bellatrix?" There was no relief when Snape came inside her. His organ remained swollen to watermelon proportions and a sweat-soaked Bellatrix twisted her already gaunt face into the mask of childbirth as he purposely pulled out of her as slowly as he could and still call it movement. "That was something for a taster," Snape mocked both women. "If you want the real thing some time, just drop by and I'll give you the whole nine yards." Neither woman could be sure that was an empty threat. They were sure that they would never find out voluntarily. Dumbledore picks up Harry, they go to see a man about a job- yada, yada, yada. They get to the Burrow. CH 2. An excess of Cum "Nice tent, Harry!" Harry awoke to the voice of Ron Weasley rushing into his room. He was about to make a disparaging comparison between how many people could sleep in his tent and Ron's little pup tent when the color came to his cheeks. Ron was not alone. Ginny and Hermione had followed him in and from the direction of their gaze had already noticed how many could shelter under his morning erection. "Can't a guy get any sleep around here?" Harry said with mock irritation as he used the excuse to roll on his side and conceal the bulge in the covers. "Party pooper," Ginny said with unconcealed glee at his embarrassment. "You don't have to be shy with us," Herminone said and she and Ginny both giggled as she added, "It didn't look like you have anything to be shy about." "Come on, we all get them," Ron said, now sorry he said anything. "But some get more than others," Ginny said, unwilling to let either boy off the hook. "'Allo, I 'ave ze breakfast for 'Arry," came from the congestion by the door in a strangely familiar throaty voice. Harry looked up in shock to see the shimmering glow and long golden sheaf of hair surrounding Fleur DelaCour. In his surprise, or perhaps to see her better, Harry rolled onto his back again. He immediately regretted the decision. "Oh my!" Fleur with genuine amazement and then her normal calm restored itself, "Per'aps we muz do somezing so zer is a place to set down zis tray." Only momentarily considering that Fleur meant some kind of action and tossing it off as a bad job, Harry quickly reached under the covers and pressed the show-off erection flat against his belly. Fleur set down the tray while making mocking eyes at Harry and then left the room. They could hear her laugh going down the stairs. "Come on, mate, you saw her face. She was only kidding you to cover up how interested she was- going to marry Bill and all," Ron said as he saw the color rise in Harry's cheeks again. "That's right," Ginny said, "Ron wishes she'd kid him like that." "At least Ronald can pretend for a while," Hermione joined in. Harry looked down at Ron's crotch and saw a huge bulge. He looked up at Ron questioningly, but it was Hermione that answered the question. "No, Harry, it's not what you think," Hermione spoke up, "Well, maybe it is, but mostly it's a lot of gauze because Ronald popped out his pecker one time too many and Fleur had a go at twisting it off for him." Ron was his best friend in the world, but that was too funny. "Go on, Harry," Ron said sheepishly as Harry let loose. Off to Diagon Alley- yada, yada, yada, train to school "Hello Harry, I'm Romilda Vane," said one of the fourth-years who had been twittering around the door to their compartment. "You can come sit with us." Harry looked up, wondering at her cheek and Romilda pulled open her robes. "You can have some of this if you come," Romilda said. "No, I'm with my friends," Harry said, sure that no girl in his fourth year would have done any such thing. Then, considering the pouting, supple breasts of Miss Vane, he decided that might have been because no one in his year had been quite as developed as these girls. Quidditch- piffle about Lord Small-in-the-shorts Avoiding well-wishers this time instead of accusing stares, Ron and Harry had slipped down the short-cut only to be greeted by a stunning scene. It was little different from a stunning spell, Harry mused as he experienced the paralysis of disbelief at the sight of Ginny on her knees sucking Dean Thomas' dick. Ron, at least his mouth, was not paralyzed by the sight. "Oi! Get that out of my sister's mouth! What kind of fucking pervert are you?" Ron shouted. Dean gulped and jumped back guiltily, but Ginny was on her feet, her face twisted in rage and what Harry hoped was saliva running out of the corner of her mouth. "He's not the one peeping in on other's private moments!" Ginny screamed. "He's not some creepy voyeur!" "We were on our way to the common room. We didn't expect to see a sex show in the halls!" Ron screamed back. Torn between his pride of demonstrating his 'getting some' and his natural insecurity about the size of his equipment, Dean tucked away his still tumescent tummy-tickler, deciding that there was little chance of this connection coming to fruition. Harry watched him with a mixture of envy and contempt. "It's a hidden passage! Hidden! We weren't out in the halls!" Ginny pointed out vehemently. "Well you shouldn't be... slutting around!" Ron fumed. "Slutting around!?!" Ginny exploded. "Just because you're the only one who hasn't got his candle waxed, don't go calling names! Was Hermione a slut when she was jerking off Krum all over her flat little chest? Was Cho a slut when she was under that table in Madame Puddifoot's, sucking Harry's schlong? Well, maybe SHE was... but it's not like everyone else in the world hasn't done it, you... wilting weinie!" "I get plenty!" Ron lied obstinately. "Sure! Name one! No- don't. I don't want to hear about our kitty because you thought that was what 'pussy' meant!" Ginny screamed. "Well... Well... Well..." Ron spluttered as Ginny spun on her heel and dragged Dean with her off down the hall. Ron's face worked through several permutations of pouted lips and drawn-down eyebrows. His face relaxed a bit and he looked at Harry with an uncertain look. "Do you reckon Hermione jerked Krum off on her chest?" Ron asked. Harry was uncertain whether Ron's interest was in the lost opportunity to gather another relic of the Bulgarian seeker or in Hermione's actions. He felt certain, from his encounters with Krum, that Hermione had more than jerked him off on her chest, but he didn't think it fair for him to tell Ron. Whose cock she took in her mouth was Hermione's business and Harry felt he had come by his knowledge in a priviledged conversation. His loyalty to Ron didn't extend to him being dis-loyal to another friend. "Of course not, why did he come after me? If he was getting any, would he be worried I was in his way?" Harry answered. While far beyond Ron's emotional understanding, Harry's words comforted him. It sounded like he was agreeing anyway. Whether Ginny's words had struck the target or some other motive had mobilized Ron, he began to see Lavender Brown in a different way. Mostly it was looking down over her robes with Ron peering through a surprisingly well-developed patch of brown curlies. But after much wooing- "I do, Lavender. I do fancy you." And much cooing- "If you won't kiss it, then just touch it." and even some whining- "But I've licked yours- for ages! Won't you just touch it?" Ron finally felt his pecker go where his pecker had never gone before- into someone's mouth. Suddenly he didn't care if Ginny was a slut. Hermione's chest faded into insignificance. There was no time to think about stupid stuff. Lavender was sucking his cock. "For goodness sake!" Ginny gasped as she led the group unexpectedly into the common room. Harry stopped short. Hermione got huffy. "Well, I've got to say Lavender has the technique. Wouldn't have thought she had it in her," Ginny observed. "It can't be far in her, seeing it's Ron," Hermione sniped. --please be kind to Harry as he never wanted anyone to know this-- "You know, just for... well, curiosity let's say, can I see it?" Hermione asked Harry. "What?" Harry asked genuinely at a loss. "Don't play stupid." Hermione scolded. "You know there is only one 'it'. How can boys be so stubbornly resistant to admitting these things to themselves?" Oh. That 'it'. After coming to the realization, Harry burned a bit at Hermione's rebuke. It wasn't stupid. It was just girls said they didn't think those kinds of things. How was a boy to know when they were pretending to be pure and when they were being honest? "Come on now, up with the robes," Hermione impatiently waved. Harry guessed there was no reason not to. Hermione was also his best friend. It wasn't likely she was having him on. And she did have to know everything. He lifted his robes as Hermione's eyes were glued to the rising hem. "Well... I... it's..." Hermione spluttered as Harry pulled his robes waist high. "What are you doing?" Harry challenged her as Hermione reached out to touch his bulging baton of beef. "Oh... nothing... just..." Hermione floundered about a bit and then assumed a clinical air and said, "I do have to examine it in all states, after all." Hermione looked up at Harry nervously to see if he had swallowed that load of codswallop. Harry just smiled, in recognition of her real intent and his consent. Even if it was Hermione, Harry couldn't repress certain warm feelings as her fingers explored his pulsating pillar of pork. It was only natural. It didn't mean anything weird, he told himself as his dangling dingus became the Eiffel tower of erectness. "Well.. it's... oh my goodness..." Hermione was babbling again as she shrank back from the monster she had created. "It's quite, um, healthy, isn't it?" Harry didn't know what to feel. It wasn't weird and that was weird. He was standing with his pecker pointing at Hermione and he didn't feel funny about it. Part of that was he trusted Hermione, but was that all? Shouldn't he at least blush since she was staring- without blinking, he noted, at his most private part? "Um... well... you can put it away now," Hermione said in a voice that scaled up the register. Clearly, she was not taking it with the same calm as Harry. "Thank you, Harry," she remembered to say, "It was... most..." And then she fled the room. Harry dropped his robe feeling confused and, if he was honest, a bit put off to be left in that condition. He couldn't fathom what else he wanted, it being Hermione, but he knew there was something more unsettling here than showing his to a friend. If he was confused, Hermione seemed like she had discovered the world was flat after all. She stared off into air, even ignoring schoolwork as she grappled with something. It seemed like everything she knew had been called into question. Harry had no idea what was going on. ----- Slug Party- Hermione had the same rumpled appearance as Ron when he tried to put his Quidditch robes on backwards. It was like her clothes were trying to move an opposite way from her- or vice versa. "If he had the same number of hands trying to stop the quaffle in Quidditch, Ron wouldn't have a chance," Hermione complained about Cormac McLaggen. "Well, you invited him," said Harry, rather unsympathetic to, actually, either side in the row between Hermione and Ron. He had done better. Luna Lovegood was at least a docile if somewhat freakish and unpredictable date. Not that he meant freakish in a bad way. There was something in Luna's supreme unconcern for the opinion of others that Harry found strengthening, personally. "Ummm, Harry?" Luna said as he was escorting her back to the Ravenclaw common room after some encounter with Snape and Draco. Harry looked at her expectantly. "Could we step into this classroom- as friends?" she asked. Harry felt a prickle of doom, but didn't see how he could politely refuse. It would be so Ron to invite her to a party and then brush her off. "Ginny said someting and I'd like to know," Luna said opaquely and looked at Harry with her slightly bulging eyes. "Ginny said what? About what?" Harry asked, feeling panic rise in his chest. Had Ginny told Luna he, Harry, fancied her, Luna, to cheer her up? Was he going to have to be blunt after all? Instead of answering, Harry felt Luna's hand between his legs, closing in on his privates with unerring accuracy. He didn't know how she had gotten her hand inside his robes. "Oh my," Luna said in the least dreamy voice Harry had ever heard her use as her fingers closed around his mighty male member. Harry had the spooky sensation that Luna's fingers were actually seeing as they paraded over every speck of skin on his shivering schlong. The sensation made him stand still as she explored, her eyes staring into his, but betraying no particular emotion. "You're a good friend," Luna said finally and Harry felt a tug on his heart. He was so touched by the pathos in Luna's voice that he nodded his assent when she timidly asked his permission. "Do you think you'd mind if I said you have a really big one to girls if they ask?" Luna requested. It wasn't like he wanted to shout it himself, he reasoned. He got it. The knowledge alone was precious to Luna. That other girls would assume what they would assume was just a bonus. He didn't mind, really. In fact, he thought as he considered it further, it suited him just fine. It was just the thing for those other vain, self-satisfied twits to hear. Let them wonder what Harry saw in Luna. Let them wonder what she had that they didn't. Feeling rather satisfied, he smiled at Luna, which she took as a sign to release his manhood. They walked on to the Ravenclaw common room and Harry thought Luna seemed rather happier than he had seen in a long time. At the Burrow for Christmas-- "Fleur," Mrs. Weasley said the name like it was a mildly impolite word she was forced to use. "You have something dripping off your face. You ought to wipe it off." "Oh no! I cannot do zat!" Fleur replies, "It is ze seed of my beloved. It haz to dry on my skin!" Seeing her future Mother-in-law's reaction, Fleur matched Mrs. Weasley scowl for scowl. "I am not ze one 'oo 'as decided to put zis Remus, zis werewolf in our bed!" Fleur said in a pique. "Since Bill and I muz be apart, I weel show him my love in zis traditional way!" Ron, who had overheard this conversation with Harry seemed embarrassed for Fleur. At least his face was bright scarlet and there were incomprehensible sounds coming from somewhere in his throat. Harry was working out something else for himself. Yeah- he decided, Mrs. Weasley was trying to keep the lovers apart. There was no reason to think she harbored some fear of Lupin. The Weasleys weren't like that. She wasn't afraid to have Lupin bunk with the twins. She was using the whole thing as an excuse to make Bill and Fleur sleep in separate beds at least one night. Morning was Christmas and Ron was already busy tearing open packages when Harry woke up. "Can Lavender really expect me to wear this?" Ron asked, holding up her gift of a dog collar with the elegantly inscribed silver plate reading: SLAVE. "I've seen those before, even Muggles sometimes wear them," Harry said, omitting some details about the kind of Muggles he had seen wearing dog collars, for instance, they seemed to be crawling on all fours. Malfoy maimed- Potter detained- Quidditch "You'll see," said the fat lady as she swung open. Within the tumult of the party, Harry heard the confirmation that, against long odds, Gryffindor had won. His immediate concern was the red-tipped missle launched at him as he entered the room. It was Ginny and she hit him like an 80-pound bludger to the chest. Her lips fastened to his. Her tongue forced its way into his mouth. Tongue? Harry felt a feeling like touching eels as the foreign quivering muscle swept the inside of his mouth. Her tongue poked his tongue, encouraging it and then daring it to play. Harry felt the effect under his robes. It was partly his reluctance to reveal his arousal that kept him exploring the new sensations for so long. There were things to think about and he was thinking in starts and stops at the moment. Why hadn't Cho given him tongue? Chaste lip kisses and then a dive under the table to chomp his choad? He didn't get that. He thought perhaps the confetti the cupids were dropping was hexed. What he was getting was the growing certainty Ginny was going to progress to choad chomping on a more inevitable and well-marked path. He looked past Ginny's flaming hair to see how the rest were taking it. Hermione was miming an action with her hand and siumultaneously bulging her cheek with her tongue. Ron seemed puzzled. Perhaps he'd never got to kissing with Lavender. In any case there were no wands pointed at him as he turned Ginny- still joined at the lips, and stumbled toward the door. "Huh?" Ginny breathed. "Lake..." Harry gasped. A blow-job wasn't some girl hastily (and painfully) sucking for the most rapid tonsil paint she could urge. Harry marvelled that he had ever considered it to be a kind of necessary but slightly distasteful evil to be endured as he lay back on the fragrant grass and sighed wistfully while Ginny bent over him. She had been at it at least an hour and it was still wonderful and calming and nervous and many other things, in which boredom and discomfort did not figure. "It is like you thought?" Ginny showed some concern as she lifted her mouth off his cock and stroked it lightly with her tickling fingertips. "I never dreamed it could be this good," Harry sighed with such honesty that Ginny was re-assured. And then it was better. Not in any way did what came before lessen in Harry's heart, but suddenly Ginny was taking him to a destination. It was much like the hooks that grabbed one on contact with a port key. Only this time they were embedded, most happily, in his cock and Ginny's mouth was pulling him to higher levels through unseen countries to... Explosion! There was nothing in common between the co-erced dribble he had felt before and the forceful geyser that pressured up his prick as Ginny sucked him to climax. Harry felt his soul both grow and rush from his body. It was as if it had expanded to such proportions that he had to share it or explode himself. "You liked that, huh?" Ginny asked after a short coughing fit and spatters of the real manifestations of Harry's 'soul' dotted his legs. "I would have liked it if you- I guess I can't say sucked- but I'd liked it even if you weren't the best in the whole world- and you are," Harry's confusion tumbled out in words. "Oh Harry!" Ginny blushed. "That wasn't the best. I know I can do better next time." Harry was dreaming in the window, his Herbology essay just an excuse to pretend he was thinking and not re-living an hour by the lake. Harry no longer thought in terms of better. How did you compare acts of love? Was an hour automatically twice a half-hour in love? It all seemed the same to Harry. It meant as much if it was a quick caress of his balls in the hall, a hurried masturbation in a bathroom or the luxury of a tongue-lashing by the lake. It set off the same seismic rumblings in his heart and filled him with the same glow. Although, Harry had to admit, what Ginny had done with her finger while he was cumming, did have effects that had to occupy a special place in shaking his world and setting him aflame. A bunch of stupid wizard stuff happens and there's that dead character getting buried and Harry thinking destiny. He knew he had to do it. Bad guys are quick to think of attacking invulnerable good guys through their vulnerable friends. "Ginny," he said, "We have to break up. We can't have bad guys do all that stuff that's said up there." "Um-hmm," Gimmy hummed, taking it rather better than even Harry had hoped. Her hand slid under his robe, found what she was seeking and stroked it. Harry shifted in his seat. He heard Hermione giggle. "For the 'Chosen One' you were always quite dense," Ginny said as her hand moved up and down a growing disturbance in Harry's ability to think. "It doesn't matter if you're 'seeing' me." Harry knew he needed to pull away, but he couldn't gather the resolve. He hoped her stroking fingers had less to do with that than the hold she had on his heart, but he wasn't sure. He found it hard enough even contemplating her stopping her hand moving. "What matters, Harry," she said, stroking harder as she came nearer the important parts of her argument, "Is that you do care. Even if I didn't, it would still matter. It's your love they would hope to use against you. But didn't Dumbledore always say it was love that is your greatest weapon?" Sometime, somewhere- later, for sure later, her words might sink in. Harry noted them, almost recorded them since he was not able to guess their significance as Ginny's hand made him moan and surge in his seat. He was getting to a point beyond thinking. "It's been protecting you already," Ginny said to that area in Harry's brain recording her wisdom. "Why has Snape restrained himself all these years, seeing how he felt about your dad? You have your mother's eyes, Harry." It was too much to take. Harry felt his brain would burst and splatter and leave a stain like the large, wet one spreading on his robe as Ginny jerked him into the bright eruption of enlightenment as she jerked his emission into his clothes. "Snape obviously was in love with your mother," Ginny said. "He can't keep James in front of his eyes long enough to harm you. Lily keeps staring back at him. Your mother is still standing between you and harm. It's all about love, Harry." It occurred to Harry that girls must use hexed tampons. It seemed they all could see these things boy couldn't. Ginny was right, of course. There was a fallacy in the idea no one would attack the ones he pretended not to care about, or that pretending not to would make him not care. All in all he had a wizard to kill and it brought the reminder of pain to his heart as he realized he could not control who else was caught in the evil web. There was only one way to control that. He had to eliminate the web as soon as he could. ### Sorry about the theory, but it fit so well with blowing Harry's mind while he was blowing his load.