Corporate memory

“It’s not right Mr. Whittaker. It’s just not right.” Mr. Whittaker sipped his first mug of coffee of the day and looked at the elderly cleaning lady stood in front of him. “Mrs. Croston why not take a seat and tell me all about it.” “I couldn’t Sir not in overalls, not on that beautiful leather. I’d rather stand if you don’t mind.” Mr. Whittaker took out a large handkerchief and spread it out on the chair. “Please take a seat.” “Oh well in that case I don’t mind if I do.” “Now what seems to be the problem?” “Well its our Nelly has got a bee in her bonnet about her school friend Neomi. Her mother has just remarried and Neomi doesn’t get on with her stepfather.” “You mean her stepfather doesn’t like her?” “Oh he likes her well enough in fact he likes her too well if you get my meaning.” “How do I come into it?” “Nelly hopes you could talk to her. Neomi is top of the class in maths but because she just wants to get away from home she wants to get a job.” “The rest of her family?” “Well she’ll be the first to go to college so there’s no one to talk to about it.” “Which school does Nelly attend?” He noted down the name. “Right leave it with me today and bring her in tomorrow morning at seven.” Mrs. Croston heaved herself up from her chair her duty done.

Mr. Whittaker had his assistant discreetly enquire with the school about Neomi. It cost him the promise of some science equipment they were after but eventually his assistant confirmed Neomi was top of the class in maths but not so strong in English.

The phone rang, “Mr. Whittaker how are you this morning?” “What are you after Mrs. Morris?” “I was hoping you could help me with a work placement for one of my computer science students.” There was a pause. “She’s very good and has completed an 8 month course I just need to find a 4 month work experience placement for her.” He mulled an eight month conversion course meant she was probably a mature student. “How much experience in the workplace does she have prior to the course?” There was a pause, he couldn’t ask her age but he could ask about her experience. “Twenty years on a supermarket checkout till?” Well if she was sensible she’d be fine. “Send her along.”

At 6:30 he was in the office drinking his coffee. At 7 Mrs. Croston arrived with Neomi. “You want to talk to me?” She asked belligerently. Mr. Whittaker nodded to Mrs. Croston to leave them. Then he passed over a letter. “Sign at the bottom.” “Why?” “It’s a job and I’d heard you want one.” “Trainee bloody cleaner?” “You don’t think you’d be let loose without training do you?” “I suppose not.” “I’ll start you on the hazmat team so you’ll get given a phone and you’ll spend the night in the visitor’s suite when on call. Sandra will sort you out when she arrives.”

Neomi looked round the small self contained apartment. “You mean this comes with the job?” “When you’re on call.” “And just when am I on call?” “24 hours a day 365 days a week according to my instructions. You get paid for being on call.” “Bloody hell I never expected anything like this. You mean I can’t go out or anything?” “As long as you have the phone with you or a beeper you’re fine.” “And what does the hazmat team have to do?” “Pour cat litter over anything suspicious.” “Mr. Whittaker for example?” Sandra laughed “It might not be a career enhancing move.”

Mrs. Croston had all the cleaning staff gathered together as they took their break. “Apparently with the new health and safety regulations coming in management has decided we need someone with a bit of paper to do the Hazmat cleaning. I’m too old to go to college besides the course is somewhere miles away so does anyone want to do it?” Neomi found herself volunteered after all the other cleaners had turned it down flat. “You’ll start in September.” “How long is the course?” “Years probably.” Chimed in one of the cleaners. “I’m not sure it depends how you get on I suppose.”

Mrs. Saunders looked round at the servers. “For the next four months they’re all yours Mrs. Saunders. Now I understand you’ve been taught JAVA and a sprinkling of visual basic but talk to Delfina and she’ll work out which courses you need to run everything.” Mrs. Saunders knocked on Delfina’s cubical “I’m Mrs. Saunders but prefer Alice. Mr. Whittaker said you’d sort out some courses for me? When’s the baby due?” “I haven’t told anyone yet so how did you spot it?” “Experience, besides my daughter’s going through it all at the moment.” “I’m three months gone so we’d better get you set up to take over from me.”

Neomi looked round “Are you sure?” “Well that’s what your file says. If they’ve made a mistake that’s their problem. As far as I’m concerned the fees are all paid.” “But my hotel booking is only for a fortnight?” “Gives you time to find somewhere to live then. Fresher’s week this week, first lecture on Monday at 9 in room 203.” She walked into the coffee bar, this must be a dream. Guys didn’t hold doors open these days did they? She took hold of his hand just to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. She could see the gang in the corner. Tugging a bemused Terrence along behind him she walked across. “So are you on a two week course or not?” “My fees are paid for the year.” “Who’s the boyfriend then?” She looked down at her hand and suddenly realised a strange boy was attached. “Oh I’m sorry. I’m not thinking straight. I’ve had a bit of a shock. I’m Neomi by the way.” “Terrence.” “Sit down the pair of you. Now what happens next?” “I need somewhere to live I suppose.” “Four way split might be cheaper than three.” Mavis smiled at Terrence. “I think you’ve just been invited to live with us.” Terrence looked taken back. “Live with three girls?” “And a cat. I definitely want a cat.” “It’s called a mixed house very fashionable at the moment.” “Well I suppose I could.” “Good that’s settled then. Now next on the agenda is where do we find somewhere to live?” Terrence didn’t like to put himself forward and hesitated to say anything. Mavis smiled at him once more and he felt his tummy flutter. “Do you know of somewhere Terrence?” He nodded nervously. “Shall we go and look at it?” He nodded again, “Lead the way then.”

They looked round the detached house in awe. “We could never afford it.” “You never know if Ruth puts on her blue skirt and her scooped neckline tee she might be able to negociate a price we can afford.” Ruth put her tongue out. “Who owns it Terrence?” “Me.” Neomi took him by the hand and sat him down in an armchair then curled up in his lap kissing him lightly on the cheek. “Just how much were you thinking of charging us for rent?” Terrence looked flustered “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” “A kiss from each of us each day?” Terrence flushed deep red. “A hand job from Mavis on demand?” “Why me?” “Because he’d enjoy it most.” “Would you?” Terrence murmured something indistinguishable. “I think that was a definite yes.”

The girls relaxed now they had somewhere comfortable to live that they could afford. Terrence was shy but soon lost some of his shyness as Ruth and Neomi groped him as a greeting when they met in the house. Mavis turned out to be a excellent cook. Terrence was confused, the girls seemed to hold him at a distance somehow so he asked Neomi one day when it was just the two of them.

“Well if you had a relationship with one and then broke up would both of you still want to live together?” “I hadn’t thought about it that way.” “It’s a bit like dating your boss. If he asks are you agreeing because you like him or because he’s your boss?” “I can see relationships can get complex and I’ve noticed they get protective of me sometimes.” “Well if someone figured out you owned a house would they be interested in you or the house?” Terrence’s nose twitched. “So for an active sex life I’d need my own place?” Neomi leaned across and kissed him on the cheek as a reward. “But you’d miss Mavis’s cooking.” “That’s true. Why isn’t life simple?” “I think the most important thing is to get through school for the next four years at the moment.”

“I’m not sure my hormones can cope with another four years celibacy. There are 96 guys in my class of a hundred. Shelly thinks it might be fun to try them all out and see which is best but I couldn’t do that.” “Try being one of two in a class of sixty. When we cram in the elevator at the end of a lecture going for coffee you can’t help but brush against them.” “I’m the only girl out of fifty in our class.” “Well we could sort of use Terrence for relief, depending on Mavis of course.” “Why depending on me?” “Something about how you both blush easily in each other’s presence perhaps?” “So guys what should we do about Terrence?” “As in hormones?” “Does he have any?” “Oh I think so.” Mentioned Mavis “Whenever I brush against him I sense something.” “How touching, young love.” “Well I want some if there is some going.” “But would he like my body?” “I’ve just got my paycheck and it is full of on call money. We could go shopping.” “Were you really a call girl?” “Not that sort of call girl, I had a beeper and if someone spilt odd things like oil on the factory floor it would go off and I’d go and pour cat litter on it before sweeping it up. It was great I’d get paid a four hour minimum for being called out. “Since its just us and private nightgowns might be appropriate?” “So are we all in?” “Certainly not, you haven’t been through Sex Ed have you? It’s Terrence in all of us not the other way round.” “My sister put a strap on up her boyfriend’s bum once.” “We don’t want to scare him off.” “Halloween is coming.”

The three of them searched through the racks of the most expensive store in town. “These look more suitable for ladies of the night.” One of the middle-aged shop assistants approached them. “Can I help you? Are you looking to seduce one of your boyfriends perhaps?” “No just Terrence.” “Which one of you is buying?” “Neomi’s paying but all three of us want to seduce Terrence at the same time.” There was a pause before the shop assistant spoke. “Different, definitely different. Who is the lucky man then?” “He’s our landlord and housemate for the next four years.” “So a student then?” “Physics.” “And you are studying?” “I’m doing maths, Mavis civil engineering and Neomi chemistry. She’s a cleaner on salary would you believe? So she’s bank rolling us.” “Step into the end changing room and get undressed for me. I’ll just collect my manageress.”

“Weird why are they spending so much time on us?” The assistant entered with a handful of garments followed by her manageress. “Try these on. Why are we spending time with you? I’ll let Elaine explain.” “You all happen to be STEM students and STEM students will be well paid when they graduate so for us its an investment and being first thing on a Tuesday morning its quiet as well. Now tell me more about your young man.”

A mere hour later after much discussion about hem lengths and necklines they finally all had nightwear they felt comfortable in that the shop assistant thought might work. They had thought about matching outfits like cheerleaders but the manageress thought not, what suited one did not suit another. “So are we done?” Mavis had been looking at the washing instructions. “Hand wash? I always throw everything in the washing machine.” “Do you have one?” “Well no.” They were led down to the appliances and to a top of the line German washing machine and tumble dryer. “If you were feeling rich you could buy one of these. Note the handwash option.” Mavis looked through the instruction book “It has a dress shirt option.” “My husband’s shirts always come out looking good even without ironing them. The matching tumble dryer has a wrinkle free option which helps as well.” “I like the idea of Terrence in non-creased dress shirt.” “The condensing tumble dryer uses far less electricity than a conventional one.” Added the sales person. “How much?” Asked Neomi and gasped when she heard the price. “But your clothes will last far longer and look better.” Neomi gulped and thought about how much money she had in the bank but on the other hand. She nodded her agreement.

That evening Terrence found himself wined and dined. He felt a bit uneasy for some reason. Then Neomi stepped out of her bedroom wearing a nightdress that showed her long legs off to best advantage. “Do you like it?” “Well it looks very good on you.” “We went shopping today.” “We?” “Ruth, Mavis, and myself.” Ruth slipped into the room and twirled “So what do you think?” Mavis hesitantly stepped forth wearing a sheer black creation and peeped at his stunned look. “We thought we’d have a sleep over and buy something special for it.” “Where are you sleeping over?” “Here of course.” “Who’s coming?” “Just us.” “We thought your room would be best as it has the queen sized bed.” Ruth tugged him up from his chair. “Time for bed young Terrence.” He allowed himself to be guided into his room. “I think we’d better help him undress.” As the three girls gently removed his clothing he looked towards Neomi. “I thought...” Mavis stepped forward and took him in hand. “I haven’t been giving you your handjobs have I?” “Good idea stop him thinking.”

At the end of the spring semester Neomi returned and knocked on Mr. Whittaker’s office door. “Finished your course have you?” “Not exactly, it’s a four year course.” “Funny I could have sworn it was supposed to be a two month one. Still never mind you’d better finish it now you’ve started. Are you here for the summer?” She nodded, “Pop along to accounts then they have some cleaning that needs doing. Tell them I sent you.” Puzzled she left the office and walked down to the accounts office where she was shown a desk and given a stack of invoices. “They need cleaning up. We have a check digit on the invoice number so we can see if its been incorrectly copied. Most have a number that is wrong so you’ll need to chase them to find out what the number should be.” She spent the next four months chasing mismatched invoices.

Alice looked over her domain and wondered if she could check everything from home. She’d set them up to send a status report to her laptop at home and if they didn’t connect for a month or if they’d been flagged as stolen then she’d programmed them to wipe themselves clean as she’d been taught to on the security course since they must have been stolen. Backups including the ISO 9000 ones were off site, well it only needed a small box in her spare room.

The second summer she was assigned to the manger who was running a project to replace some dated equipment that involved some construction. Her job was to list the steps and do a critical path analysis before ensuring each step had the right resources made available as they were required and that any impact to production was minimised.

The third summer was “Back again go and help them out in sales.”

Six years later Neomi returned to work with her scientific degree plus an MBA. She was still slightly bemused how she’d ended up with them but just accepted them as done. Apparently management had changed it’s mind about the need for someone on the hazmat team to have the right sort of bit of paper so now she worked in a more general capacity with Sandra.

As Mr. Whittaker sipped his first mug of coffee of the morning he felt pleased with himself. Neomi looked a bit more self confident now than she had when he’d first met her when she’d reminded him of a spitting kitten. She’d done well in her studies as well.

Neomi wiggled her hips just ever so slightly as she walked away from the boss. She liked to very gently tease him. Nothing he could put his finger on he was far too old fashioned for that. She made him his coffee even though he’d mentioned he could make his own. “How can I complain about how poorly I’m treated if you make your own coffee? I have to hold my head up somehow, Sir.” She enjoyed calling him Sir, even though he’d suggested Jeremy. “Oh sir, I couldn’t possibly take such a liberty.” The look he’d given her almost had her break into laughter but she’d managed to keep a straight face. On his sixty-sixth birthday he decided to retire so sold the company.

The fearful staff were assembled in the canteen. “I’m Mr. Sullivan and I’ve just taken over your company. I’d like to reassure you all that for as long as I own the firm you will have jobs and a cost of living raise every year." You could sense the workforce start to relax but there was a slight hesitation, it sounded almost too good to be true. As insurance Mrs. Saunders set the computer systems to call home to her laptop each day and if they didn’t connect for a month they would simply reformat themselves after wiping their disks clean.

Over coffee the next morning the technical staff conferred. "You know he's sold every company he's ever brought within three months." “Well he did say for as long as he owned the firm.” “So do we stay or leave?” “I think we should stay and see how it unfolds.” “Besides which not many of us have degrees and things and these days you need one to work in a warehouse. Mr. Whittaker didn’t bother with such things. Remember he always said it was whether you could do the job that mattered not if you had a bit of paper.” Malinda dug out her high heel shoes from the back of the closet, just in case. Tania brought her first skirt in a year. Mrs. Saunders looked in amazement as expensive robots were rolled into the space next to the assembly line. Neomi made a fresh pot of coffee and took it down to the technicians together with a box of doughnuts. Soon with a few flattering remarks she had their opinions about which model robots they should have used rather than the most expensive ones. “If they’d changed the line slightly one to work better with the bots it would be faster and simpler.” She supplied pizza for their lunches and over lunch one of them drew up his idea of what was needed on the lid of one of the pizza boxes. “Your widgets aren’t heavy so you really don’t need the heavy duty model and the reinforced beams at all. Mind you the sales guys should get a good bonus out of it.” Neomi carefully carried the pizza box off.

“Yes but if you looked at the line very carefully do you think you could run one but with cheaper robots? Do they really need those long arms and stuff?”

“Redesign a lighter one, the courier company guy mentioned once our boxes are like a tiny bit over their weight limit.” “The patent runs out in ten months.” “Hodgekin's old place is up for rent.” “You mean form a Co-op like?” Malinda and Tania added their two cents “We'll keep Mr. Sullivan happy for a year but it'll cost you.” “A proper date with Martin each week.” Martin blushed but agreed. So for the next ten months Mr. Sullivan had his hareem that blew him and allowed him to use any hole he chose. They even went as far as to let him have a threesome on Friday afternoon. Neomi even made his coffee for him.

“I've been asked to draw up a list of key posts.” “Posts not people?” “Posts.” “Well that's easy our cleaning staff and janitor have just been promoted.” “We can’t do that can we?” “I’ve put through the reorganisation that did it already. He signed off on it as he left for his Friday afternoon golf.” “Let’s think this through.” “What’s there to think about we’re about to be replaced by machines.”

“So I’ve worked it out we need two million in round numbers.” “Is that all?” “Well it allows a 20% contingency fund but I won’t cut that.” “So we’re doomed then?” “Maybe not I’ll see if I can raise the money from somewhere.”

“Neomi how nice it is to see you. Things going well?” “Most of us have just been laid off with three months pay.” “Yourself included?” Neomi nodded her agreement. “Didn’t read your letter of offer did you?” Neomi looked puzzled, “I have a copy somewhere.” He pulled out his laptop and brought up a copy on the screen and turned so she could look at the screen. “Twelve years, a minimum employment period? You wrote that into the letter of offer?” “It seemed reasonable at the time.” “You mean you planned all my courses out ahead of time and it wasn’t just a mistake on the paperwork?” “Blame Mrs. Croston she put in a good word for you beforehand. However having invested heavily in your education it seemed prudent to make sure I got some benefit.” He printed off a copy and signed it. “There you are drop that into their HR department and request the remaining three year balance of your salary.” “They’ll want me back.” “Doesn’t matter you have a copy of your termination letter?” “Well yes.” “There you are then, if they don’t pay just threaten to pass it to a lawyer.” “Now then what did you really come to see me about?” “I need two million dollars to start a coop with the old workforce.” “Show me your proposal.” They spent the next two hours going over it in detail. “Looks solid but a million a person is my limit so sorry unless you can rework your numbers to fit.”

Neomi took herself off dejectedly before his words hit her. With her three years pay plus all the others termination money plus his million they had just enough. “Well guys if you invest your termination money I can raise the rest.” Tania’s eyes gleamed “If we’re in can I be the one to pull the plug?”

“Good Morning Mr. Sullivan. Malinda and I have just finished reading all about women’s lib so I'll show you where the coffee machine is and how to make a fresh pot.

The company was sold on within the hour.

“Now I’m looking forward to working with you all but we will be making some adjustments on the personnel side.” His bagman whispered to him “Something's wrong they didn't look unhappy.” “Nonsense they’re just carried away by my charisma.” That afternoon most of the staff were let go including Neomi who clutched her precious termination letter to her chest.

At midnight all the computers rebooted and installed Linux wiping all disks as they do so. No backup documentation. No passwords. The next morning the new Co-op started up with three small specialist robots integrated correctly into the production line.

“But you've got thirty five years service you must know how things work!” “I used to be the Janitor until I got promoted recently.”

“I found the documentation from when the system was written. It's fourteen years old and I don't think its ever been updated.”

“Boss one of our customers has just called can we deliver 10,000 units by the end of the month? If not the new Co-op can supply them.” “How can they do it? They have people not robots?” “Let's face it without any corporate memory or instructions for the robots we're sunk anyway, call the Co-op and see if you can interest them in twenty secondhand industrial robots.”