Plumber’s Mate by Karen Blayne

Oh by the way red tape first.

Be warned these short stories contain mature content or naughty bits and as such may corrupt you if you’re under 12, 16, 18, 21 or 25 depending where you live thus they are not suitable for you so put them back on the shelf and let them age for a year or two.

They were sort of scribbled for fun. They were first posted on asstr.org. If you’ve paid money for this book just be aware the author has not received any payment. In fact no one has permission to charge money for this book and copyright is retained by the author. Asstr.org accepts donations if you’re feeling rich or even if you’re not.

Luv Karen

Well I’d made it, in my own terms I was a success. I’d looked at the cost of a degree and decided to do a college trade course. My friends thought I was nuts, but I enjoyed lots of male attention on the course. When I wore my shortest denim skirt the tutors were especially helpful, it was great. Plumbing wasn’t the greatest for your nails and sometimes it was a bit messy but on the whole I was earning good money. Better than good, ever since we’d turned up on a job to replace a bathroom and I’d taken over talking to the lady of the house. Burt didn’t seem to be able to talk the same language. It was only when I asked about budget she mentioned her friend had spent $20,000 that I clued in that she wanted detail perfection and for me detail perfection no problemo.

So Burt and I were doing a nice line in replacement bathrooms. Burt still mixed in a few ordinary jobs on the side just in case replacement bathrooms ever took a dive but we were doing very nicely. Especially when the referral orders rolled in so Burt took to upping the price like you usually do in the trade when you’re busy to indicate that you were too busy at the moment rather than formally turn the job down. They just accepted the higher prices we were quoting. They were nuts.

I was celebrating another bathroom done on time with extras, you know the things they forget but then want added in. Extras are extra profitable because there is no discussion about price or someone else bidding on them. I prefer to plan everything in detail first then both we and the client knows exactly what it will cost but this one, well it had been one of the higher prices we’d bid since she was the sort of client who fussed so we’d hiked the price accordingly then when she saw the colour of the new custom ordered sink in the bathroom I’d had flown in from Italy and it didn’t quite match her hair brushes. What more can I say?

I’d picked up my coffee at the counter and looked round for somewhere to sit. There was a space by the window on a bench seat next to some guy so I slid in besides him. He looked intelligent but harmless if you know what I mean. “Is this seat taken?” He jolted out of his daydream and replied no it was available. He had the sort of softly spoken voice I could listen too all day, the pitch was just right and the accent was perfection. So I chatted him up, starting on the weather then when that got no reaction what did he think of the Robins’s chance of success in the league? He turned and stared at me. “There isn’t a team called the Robins in the league. You’re trying to chat me up?” “Not having much success though am I?” I bounced back. “Sorry I’m a bit down today.” I leant across and kissed him lightly on the lips, tasty. “Did a kiss better help?” It certainly helped me. He practically glared at me. “Tell Frances all about then?” He looked at me and I smiled back. “I’m not a success, I’ve just decided that I’m not going to study law as my parents want, I’ve never decided anything big before.” “Well you could talk to them about it.” Big mistake, boy and talk in the same sentence. I got a pitying look. “I’m just useless.” I could think of a use for him and I could afford him.

I’m not usually so forward “So are you looking for a job or something to assert your independence?” “I’m not qualified for anything.” Oh but he was. “Let’s try you out. I may have a position for you.” I dragged him back to my place.

“It’s not much but its home, or it will be when I’ve managed to fix up my fixer upper.” I’d brought it foreclosed from a bank, it just needed love and attention plus a few screws, tins of paint, new carpets, curtains and a few other minor bits and pieces like a new furnace. It was both my hobby and home. He looked round it as if he’d never seen anything like it before and he probably hadn’t. “The bedroom’s this way.” I led him upstairs and quickly stripped off in front of him and lay back on the bed. “OK let’s see how useless you are, head between my legs and start tonguing.” Had I gone too far? No after a moment or two looking at me as if to say was I nuts strangely enough he lay down on the bed and ran his soft hands over my legs and started to nibble. I was already warm by the time we’d got back but the look in his eye when he admired my naked body raised the temperature again. Paul had a slow steady nibble up my thighs it was as if he cared about me and my happiness when he started to tongue me, he was reaching all the right places, my toes just curled. It seemed to last forever, eventually I couldn’t hold back any longer I just came to a shuddering climax.

“So did I pass?” He asked innocently. I nodded sleepily “Yes you passed. You get food and a half a bed whilst you sort yourself out, and I’ll spring for a course as well so you can keep yourself when you’re old and grey. Anything you fancy besides law?” “Physics?” Well I’d just finished working on the plumbing in some of the labs so I knew who to go and see. So we went and saw Nicole, one of the secretaries there. “Got room for one more on the Physics course?” “Why do you fancy your chances?” “No but Paul here fancies taking a Physics course and I have money.” “The magic word, we do just happen to have room for another student as it happens. Are you married?” “No why?” “You’d get tax relief if you were married but instead just write me a check for the same amount to the student welfare fund instead which happens to be a registered charity so you can still get tax relief and I’ll see his fees are paid.” “Does he need an interview?” “You have money, we need money, there’s a vacancy on the course, it started this morning, I’ll just put his formal offer in the signature book they won’t even notice. Next class is at two pm room 998.” “What if I can’t keep up?” “Well we’ve got your money so we don’t mind, I dare say Frances might have something to say though.” “Off you go to room 998 and I’ll see you tonight.” I slipped him $20 and a kiss on the cheek.

I never asked him about his past and Paul never volunteered anything. If anything his love making got better with practise. He passed his end of year exams and I felt he was definitively good value for money. He didn’t cost me that much, a bit of pocket money I could well afford, and a spot of food. He took sandwiches in for lunch. He was fun to curl up with after a hard day’s work, he liked to read like me, knew how to give me a massage with those soft hands of his to ease my aching muscles and definitely fun in bed. I had him write home every month in case they worried about him and we got my flight attendant friend Julia to mail them since he said he wasn’t ready to talk to his parents just yet. I told her they were going to a stamp collector so Julia arranged for them to be sent from all sorts of exotic places. Oh and he helped me with the house holding the ladder whilst I climbed up, doing a spot of painting. Apparently he’d never done any manual work before and seemed to get a kick out of making and repairing things with his hands.

We would have continued just fine if Jessica, one of my cousins, hadn’t wanted to show off her new fiancé. Jessica had always been into makeup, fashion and the right people, the superior sort. We don’t get on. My clothes tend to be functional first and are they on sale second, apart from the growing collection of nightdresses that seem to put you know who in the right mood and thus were worth every cent as far as I was concerned. As for makeup well I never did see the point of spending time and money on it. “But darling you don’t have to lift a finger, we’ll pick you up and drop you off afterwards. Just think a meal without washing up and you can bring a beau as well.” She could really get up my nose. Still, she was improving. She'd heard about washing up, not that the cow had ever done any in her life. Bring a beau indeed. Right formal dress was clearly called for, including Paul in a tux. I slammed the phone down.

“Someone you hate?” Perceptive at times. “We’re going out for a meal, Jessica thinks to show me up as a country bumpkin who can’t get a beau but we’ll show her.” “We as in you and me?” I smiled at him “Tux and all, no expense spared. I hate shopping so do you know any good dress shops?” Paul guided me into a small exclusive boutique with an aloft looking assistant. “Courtney could you find something special for Frances?” Courtney, he knew the shop assistant? Oh well whatever. Courtney carried me off and had me undress and put on a dress so she could see what I looked like out of jeans. “Impress the family is it?” I nodded, well Jessica was family. She produced the most gorgeous dress I’ve ever seen, in fact I fantasised about giving up jeans for two whole minutes and wearing totally impractical dresses all the time but then my practical side took over and brought me back to earth. “I’ll need to take it in just a touch and let the hem down an inch, be ready tomorrow to pick up?” “How much?” Courtney seemed taken aback to be asked. You could see her figuring out what to charge me. The price was outrageous and she knew it. “Paul come and pay the lady.” He entered the changing room and pulled out a wad from his fanny pack. Courtney’s eyes opened wide. “Cash?” She looked surprised, cash was no big deal, in fact my big problem was the amount of cash I got paid with no paperwork. “Well if its cash I think we can discount the price a little, most of our sales are premium credit cards and they do take a premium percentage.” She knew the value of cash as well as I did especially with the shady illegal immigrant workers whom I’m certain did much of the fine needlework.

She packed up my dress and when we left smiled warmly “Do come again.” “Now what are we going to do about your Tux?” “I’ll sort that out, don’t worry.” “Need money?” “No I’m fine.” Sometimes he didn’t talk much but I liked the way he could use his tongue so whatever.

Saturday arrived, I was nervous about Jessica but tried not to let it show. I deliberately baked a rich fruit cake of a type that Paul adores to keep my mind busy during the day. I’d reward him with a slice on Sunday.

Paul gave me little hugs and smoothed my hair to reassure me. Finally we heard the limo at the door. Trust Jessica to use a limo rather than a car to impress and emphasis her superiority. We slipped inside, at least Paul didn’t seemed fazed by it and I started to relax. As we drew up outside the restaurant Paul lent across to me and murmured “This one might not be a good idea.” Jessica overheard him “It’s OK, I’m told it’s quite the most exclusive in town, so we might have to queue to get in.” She exchanged a look as if to say “See I told you they’d be out of their depth” with her guy.

Well there was a long queue outside and the doorman walked down telling people they had roughly ten minutes to wait, then fifteen minutes as he grew closer as he arrived next to us I swear the guy’s eyes popped out. “Paul your table is ready for you and your party if you’d just like to step this way.” Jessica looked put out, “The reservation was under Bookman.” She announced, “I’ll make a note to cancel it madam.” I took Paul’s arm and the other two followed. I heard Jessica mutter “But I didn’t mention the restaurant name so how could they have made a reservation?” in a plaintive voice.

Inside the restaurant the maitre d'hotel himself stepped forward “Good evening sir your usual table I think.” He led us to a slightly larger table than the others with ample room for four seats. Paul bent forward and whispered in my ear “Sometimes it has been known to have six seats.” We slid into our seats and the maitre d'hotel lingered to make sure we were comfortable. Paul introduced me “James, this is Frances, she’s a plumber, and her cousin and escort.” I was surprised by the introduction I mean I’m quite proud to be a plumber but it’s not something I normally bring up in polite conversation. Jessica looked as if she was going to die of shame at it being mentioned at all, unless she’d done the mentioning in order to put me down of course.

“Stephanie will be serving you this evening, which I trust will be acceptable.” Paul gave a small almost imperceptible nod and Stephanie smiled and turned to Jessica and boyfriend “What would you like to drink?” She took their orders and just as I was about to say what I’d like Paul put his hand over mine so I stayed quiet. This was a different Paul than I’d seen before, more confident somehow, perfect for handling Jessica and her put downs.

Paul seemed to slip into social mode and he started the conversation by asking Jessica how she’d met her boyfriend, well it was the way to turn the tap on and it stopped her from putting too many digs in at me so I was happy to sit back and listen. A glass of white wine appeared before both Paul and myself, something with a stick and a cherry appeared before boyfriend Jessica had a yellow umbrella in hers. I sipped the wine, nice, and looked up to see a chef slide out of the kitchen and approach. “Paul you should have let us know you were coming I’d have done something special to celebrate.” He turned to me “Delighted to meet you, Frances I believe, I’m Henri, at your service.” “Don’t overdo it Henri, could you stretch to the orange dish? I think that Frances would enjoy that.” “But of course perhaps a delicate soup to start, a few... but enough leave it to Henri, and for the others?” “I don’t know their tastes so shall we leave it to Stephanie?”

Stephanie produced two menus and handed them to Jessica and boyfriend. “It’s in foreign!” she exclaimed in an aside whisper to him. Stephanie hurried to her side and started to translate from the French but Jessica wasn’t going to admit she didn’t understand and promptly ordered for them both. I was practically killing myself with laughter, she’d invited us to a French restaurant and hadn’t expected the menu to be in French. I slipped away to the ladies' washroom to calm myself down. I always judge places by their ladies' washrooms and this one had to take first prize. Spacious, chairs to sit on, a full length mirror behind the door, and soft lighting round the mirrors over the high quality sinks set in a dark marble counter top. They hadn’t skimped on the taps either. I could quite believe Jessica’s comment that it was the premier in town.

As I left Stephanie approached “Hi, thank you for bringing Paul back to see us we’ve all been worried about him.” “Well actually it was my cousin who decided where to go, she’s a bit of a snob I’m afraid.” Stephanie wrinkled her nose “Perhaps I’ll be kind and change her order then. Something she’ll think is exotic, something I suspect that she hasn’t had before.” Then reading my face, “Don’t worry she’ll like it, I know my customers well, especially her type.” She smiled and I returned to the table.

Over the first course Paul had drawn out her boyfriend to expand on what was wrong with the world. Boyfriend was “Green” but in a poetic way. Over the second Paul guided the conversation to water and food shortages, and disease control and how important they were. From there it was a small step to water consumption, low flush toilets, boyfriend seemed deeply committed to the idea of “Green” and gradually the conversation drifted to where he was asking me about various items of plumbing and what made low flush loos so efficient. Paul threw the odd comment at Jessica so she couldn’t quite make a total scene about being ignored but you could tell she was livid both about the subject of the conversation and the fact that boyfriend wasn’t giving her any attention.

As Stephanie removed the empty fish course plates she deftly removed the fish knife that Jessica hadn’t used and replaced it with the correct one for the next course. Jessica went a slightly deeper pink. “The chef didn’t think the fresh garlic was up to the usual standard this evening so we substituted your order for the snails in garlic sauce this evening but he assures me that tomorrow evening he personally will ensure the garlic will be perfect should you wish to indulge.” Jessica looked a little green around the gills. “That will be fine.” Poor Jessica this wasn’t quite her night.

The main course arrived, mine and Paul’s was duck or rather Canard à l’Orange. Jessica tried a slice of meat and looking puzzled turned to boyfriend. “How’s your lamb?” asked Paul politely, the puzzle left Jessica’s face, “Oh lamb of course it is, very pleasant to tell the truth.”

After we’d had coffee Paul commented “It’s been a very interesting evening meeting you both but I have some studying to do so perhaps it’s time we left.” Stephanie stepped forward “I hope you enjoyed your meal and we hope to see you again shortly, Monday perhaps?” She was looking at Paul when she said those last words which intrigued me. “The bill?” hazarded Jessica, I caught one of those silent communications between Stephanie and Paul, “There’s no charge. Your meal this evening was complements of the proprietor.” Whatever that meant and I wasn’t going to argue.

The evening was perfect in every way, besides the fact I didn’t have to wash up, Jessica had been cowed, we weren’t indebted to her for the price of the meal, we’d more than held our own and I’d found out a little more about Paul. I was a bit afraid I was going to lose him somehow as if he might escape back into this tux dressed life he appeared to have lived before me which I suppose was why I hadn’t pressed him to find out more about his past life previously. When we got home Paul looked exhausted, “Happy? I can do the social stuff but I need time to recover afterwards.” I gave him a hug and a kiss and rolled over to sleep and relived every moment of putting Jessica in her place for once.

The next morning I was up and about tiding up, Paul wasn’t the tidiest of people and had left books he’d finished with scattered about. I’d put out two slices of cake in preparation for giving Paul the third degree and just as the kettle boiled there was a ring at the door, Sunday morning, probably some religious nutter or other I thought. When I opened it there was an older version of Paul dressed in a suit. “I’m looking for my son.” “You’d best come in. I don’t think he’s out of bed yet.” I sat him down with a slice of cake, went to nudge Paul out of bed and returned with the coffee pot and an extra mug and slice of cake. This was one conversation I meant to sit in on.

“It’s very good cake.” “Paul likes it as well but he normally only gets it on special occasions.” “So Dad, how was the flight and how did you find me?” “The flight was so so, as to the other Bob the door had a chat with the limo driver, but even without that how many qualified female plumbers do you think in this city are called Frances? It might have taken a day or two longer to find you though. I take it you were trying to shock our unshockable James?” “That was a bad slip of mine wasn’t it.” He said in a resigned voice.

“Well I can see you’re fit and well, and from the cake, you’re eating well which will please your mother. Thank you for the monthly notes, I must say we were puzzled by the post marks, New York, Paris, Sydney, Perth, Moscow?” “I know a flight attendant.” I admitted, “I felt he should at least let you know he was safe even if he wanted to stay hidden.” “I see you haven’t been drawing from your accounts so what have you been doing for money?” “Frances has been keeping me.” “He’s very good in bed.” I added to see what reaction this would get. “Well a first for the family.” His dad chuckled and Paul first looked embarrassed and seemed to get the joke as well. “I don’t know what your mother would say though.” He sat back on the sofa, he seemed to dominate the room, and looked at us both. Paul stepped into to fill the gap, “We’ve been working on the house together. I painted this room.” He looked round proudly “and she’s shown me how to use a power drill to put shelves up and stuff.” “I never thought you’d be interested, shows how wrong I can be. Still I can see you’ve made a go of it even if you didn’t turn up for your course.” “He’s just passed his first year exams in Physics.” I added being a little bit proud of what Paul had achieved.

“I seem to recall you mentioning a preference for it. I misjudged you again.” He turned to me “It looks like the pair of you work well together and you love each other, so a prenuptial of say $5 million?” Love, I had to stop and think, yes I suppose I did love him, glancing at him I saw the idea of love had just struck him as well. “Oh I think $10 million index linked would be acceptable.” I joked back. He reached in his inside jacket pocket and drew out an envelope, pull out a letter wrote in $10 million index linked and handed it to me to sign. I signed without thinking “But even if I love him I’m not certain I want to marry a penniless student just at the moment.” “She doesn’t know does she?” “It never seemed to be quite the right moment to tell her.” “Tell me what? Is this something about the restaurant last night? Who owns it?” “My trust fund.” I looked at both of them, “How much are you worth?” I asked slowly thinking I might just kill someone. “A hundred million in round figures last time I looked at the books.” “And you let me keep you? Were you ever going to slip it into the conversation?” “I had good intentions but I was happy here, you accepted me for me and not my money and that was important to me.” “What about your mother?” “She’s rather into the society thing and finds me boring and not the least bit grateful for all the brainless damsels she keeps throwing at me.”

We’re getting married in the morning, heaven only knows what Mum will say or Jessica either, both will expect me to be six months pregnant I suppose but it was either a quick wedding before Paul’s mother got involved or a rather ostentatious one that my parents would have felt they had to pay for and that won’t have worked at all. Guess where the reception will be.