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Archive name: mjagger.txt (MM, affair, celeb)
Authors name: Jenz Kneef (Anon Address)
Story title : Mick Jagger: My Story

--------------------------------------------------------
This work is copyrighted to the author © 2002.  Please
don't remove the author information or make any changes
to this story.  You may post freely to non-commercial
"free" sites, or in the "free" area of commercial sites.
Thank you for your consideration.
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Mick Jagger: My Story (MM, affair, celeb)
by Jenz Kneef (Anonymous Address)

* * *

My new boyfriend convinced me that this is the best way 
to help Mick, so after much thinking about it, I've 
decided to reveal the details of my affair with him.

Faced with homophobic press in Germany and England I 
understand people don't want to know about the suffering 
of a man forced into a straight life. I have been trashed 
for this many times, but I don't want to gain anything 
with this, all I want is to I know this will help people 
to see Mick in a different way, and to help other boys 
who have experienced a similar relation with a closet 
rock star. Because I know Mick, I want to explain what he 
is really like. I don't want to earn money over his back, 
or anything like that. 

I love him, and simply want the world to see the real 
Mick. And this is a completely different person then 
anyone might think. I'll explain why he behaves towards 
women the way he does. 

First I'll introduce myself my name is Jenz Kneef, I will 
not beat around the bush, I am a 32 year old German 
homosexual guitar player from the band: "MENtall Illness" 
and a part time male model that has AIDS. 

I know that Mick is seen as one of world greatest 
womanizers, and my story will probably stumble on 
disbelieve, no one knows unto now that there is another 
Mick, a Mick that mostly goes unseen, a Mick that will 
now be revealed. And I know that only one of world's 
best-read magazines is able to do this! I was 27 when I 
met Mick in June 1995; it was on the German leg of the 
Voodoo Lounge tour.

I'd always been a fan of his, but not a groupie, I wish 
I'd been, then I might have met this gorgeous beautiful 
man years earlier. I didn't know I was already HIV 
positive back then. I know this story might sound pretty 
accidental, but this is simply how it went. My copy of 
"Gay News" and I had been waiting in front of the hotel 
for hours, but I left when neither him nor any other 
attractive bloke appeared to me. 

When I went to the pub I was quite depressed, until I saw 
this thin looking lost figure stand on the pavement. I 
felt an instant mutual attraction, he really reminded me 
of someone, but I couldn't figure whom it was... His hair 
was like Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler and his moustache 
was in the style of Freddie Mercury. He stopped me and 
asked -in perfect English- if the crowd was still there. 
I could only nod. After we had stared at each other for a 
while, he smiled at me, and said something like: 

"I was in that crowd too... wanna know what I did?"

I nodded.

"Waited for you..." I was stunned, that a beautiful 
creature like this could even have the slightest of 
interest in me! We then introduced ourselves to each 
other; he said his name was "Paul Turner". And went to 
the pub together. In the pub we talked for a long time. 
He told me that he was a Stones fan of many years, who 
followed them everywhere around the world whenever they 
toured.

He was very kind to me, and I noticed that he kept 
pressing his knee against mine while talking, and that I 
liked the way it made me feel: as if thousands of small 
fairies were tickling me. As I stared into his eyes, I 
could see that he felt the same. He then asked me if I 
knew a 'cool' kinda place to go out. I said I did, and 
that we could go there if he wanted. 

He did, and we arranged that we would meet that evening 
at the same pub. When I came to collect him there, he 
looked stunning, he wore an amazing pink suit, and the 
most beautiful green eye shadow. Although I never said 
it, I did wonder how he could afford expensive clothes 
while following the Stones all around the world. But I 
didn't ask, because although I'd only met him a couple of 
hours ago, he had something in his eyes that made me 
trust him immediately. 

Walking to the club he told me how much he loved it when 
the Stones were on tour, because it made that he could 
travel the world too. He saved all his money for that... 
"And clothes..."he added, having guessed that I wondered. 

He told me he loved being in most countries far from 
Britain, explaining that there still is a very 
conservative aversion towards homosexuality there. So it 
was only when the Stones were on tour that he could be 
himself. 

In the club my brand new partner really came alive. 
Through the night he reminded me of someone so much that 
I thought someone slipped me acid and I was 
hallucinating: The suit, the mouth, THE DANCING! Yes he 
was the perfect guy... The only tiny vice I could 
discover was that odd habit he displayed throughout the 
evening: All of a sudden he uttered a tiny cry while 
putting his hand over his mouth and dashed off to the 
lavatory. But whenever he returned he was so incredible 
beautiful that he was forgiven.

Later that evening he seemed to get tired. I was still on 
the dancing floor. Suddenly I felt two arms around me, 
and two wet lips in my neck. "Darling..." he whispered 
"What do you think of you and me in an expensive hotel 
room? We'll celebrate our love together." He never gave 
me a chance to think, he took my hand and whisked me 
away, whispering al kinds of sweet romantic things of 
what our night would be like. 

Our night of passion was amazing! HE was amazing! Making 
love to him was like a luxurious Belgian bonbon: 
Passionate, but still tender. He did it with complete 
devotion, but in the dark. When he was done he seemed 
exhausted, he wanted nothing more then for me to hold his 
slender body, curl up and fall asleep. 

The next morning, when I woke up, and looked at my love, 
I had the strange sensation that something was different 
about my new lover. And suddenly it hit me what it was: 
HIS MOUSTACHE WAS GONE!! That's what that odd behavior in 
the club had been all about!! It was a fake! And his 
hair... MY GOD! It had now become so wig like, it had 
moved in the night, and didn't look real anymore.

I wondered why my new love wore a disguise, wondered if 
he was a con-men...But he'd paid everything so... And he 
had a look so innocent, without the moustache, and looked 
so much like... And he had the sweetest little snore. I 
couldn't believe that he was who I suspected he was. I 
woke him up, and we kissed and cuddled for a while. But 
then I pointed out that he'd lost his Mercury. 

He completely panicked, but then said: "I didn't want to 
tell you yet...I'm Mick." As if I didn't know. 

I got angry and tore in at him, asking how he could let 
this happen, Mick cringed. When I saw this I stopped and 
let him explain. My anger at that time, more or less came 
from the fact that I'd slept with a hero without knowing. 
I felt used, and expected him to bribe me and leave, but 
things turned out different: 

"The me you saw last night...it was the real me...I'm 
sorry...I didn't want this to happen...But there's no 
other way for me to meet men like you...This was my free 
spirit..." "Turner?" I asked, and he nodded. Only later 
it hit me that Turner was the name of the part he played 
in "Performance" the movie he'd been very "free" in. 

"I'm so tired..."he whispered. "But...I really care for 
you..."he said, while I started getting my things, 
getting ready to leave. 

"Please stay..." he said. "You cheated me!" I said. 

"No," Mick said. "This is no cheating. I'd never dared to 
speak to you the way I did, as myself. I would have told 
you, but not just yet." I smiled cynically. "And if you 
told me, you'd have one last fuck, bribe me, and piss 
off. Laughing about having tricked another young boy in 
your web." Mick seemed amazed that anyone dared to speak 
to him that way.

"Please," said he "Listen... listen to me..."

I turned around, and suddenly...There he was, staring at 
me his naked body covered in nothing but a sheet, 
sitting, his arms wrapped around his legs and the sheet. 
He was beautiful, and I knew I loved him. He smiled 
shyly. "Come and sit next to me... I'll tell you 
everything." He'd already caught me, and his spirit led 
me back to the bed. His body was so thin, so beautifully 
frail. I went to sit next to him.

"Why would you tell me?" I asked.

For a moment he stared at me, then he said: "Because, 
I've fallen in love with you."

I looked at him, into those eyes, and they were honest.

"Please hold me..." he whispered.

I couldn't believe it! Mick Jagger wanted ME! He'd fallen 
in love with me, and wanted to pour out his heart.

"Are you sure..." I asked him. He nodded. I wrapped my 
arms around him, very softly.

"Why so careful?" Mick asked. "You didn't do that last 
night..." He giggled. I didn't know what to do: I now 
knew he was Mick Jagger and he seemed so delicate. Mick 
rested his head on my shoulder. And started to talk. 

He told me about his experiences about something called 
the "Dartford Grammar school", that it was there that 
he'd noticed he had certain feelings for men. At first he 
thought it would go away, and repressed it. He thought 
these feelings came from the fact he'd never been with a 
girl, and was always surrounded with boys. But he 
realized they were more lasting when after trying it with 
girls, his mind kept returning to the boys of the Grammar 
school.

He also told about his early strong feelings for the boys 
he shared bands with. But he never dared to utter a word. 
He was very afraid his parents would find out, seeing 
they were very conservative, and would have never 
accepted. He told me about early experimentations with 
the band members he shared a house with. But how he was 
consumed by fear. That although he really loved to be 
with men, he still felt dirty after sex or touch. About 
his relation with his first manager, that opened up that 
world to him, but also closed it by taking care that for 
the outside world he more or less gave a feminine 
heterosexual appearance.

But he also confided that although having to appear 
heterosexual even in the 60's and 70's he still could be 
more or less himself, because at that time bi and 
homosexuality were not only accepted, but for a short 
while even encouraged. He seemed to be cracking up, I 
told him he could stop if he didn't want to continue 
anymore, but he said he was happy that he could at last 
tell someone. 

He told about the times he was ready to tell everything, 
but was gagged by his fear of loosing his fans, the fans 
who in the early eighties became more conservative then 
ever. How he'd started taking a therapy, billed as 
marriage therapy to rid himself of his homosexuality. But 
that it never worked. How he then really started a 
reputation as womanizer. Paying girls to talk about hot 
nights. How he'd found out the Stones office had begun 
this years earlier. Asked girls of his acquaintances to 
accompany him. Getting girls willing to do this was easy 
for him. He was famous, and young girls do anything for a 
moment of his fame. How Jerry Hall had made his life 
hell.

At first Jerry Hall, (Wife, ex-wife, never wife?) didn't 
know about the fact that he cheated about cheating her, 
but when she did found out, and used it for her own 
publicity gain. She sometimes even looked for girls that 
would look better next to him. She used him for her 
publicity, abused him, and stood between him and his real 
lovers, as she could tell the press the truth at the drop 
of a hat. 

Mick didn't like the affair stories of the 90's, they 
were almost all Jerry's in earlier years he'd always 
carefully arranged them. He was still in mourning for 
Rudolph Nureyev, whom he'd loved deeply. But Rudolph 
wasn't the love of his life, he explained, although 
people don't want to know, the only one he ever loved was 
David Bowie, the way he spoke about David, softly and 
warmly made my body ace with jealousy. A jealousy I never 
felt before. Although Mick had liked and loved many men, 
he'd never found anyone to compare with Bowie the love of 
his life. The story of him and David sounded like a 
modern version of Wuthering Heights. 

But he also told about being heavily under pressure by 
the Stones publicity machine, to remain strictly 
heterosexual, because being bisexual or homosexual is 
these days the kiss of death for an artist. He explained 
to me that this made him turn to disguises, to keep up 
this secret life. I asked him if I was the only one who'd 
ever discovered his identity. He shook his head and 
explained to me that there had been several times that 
he'd been discovered, but that his P.A. always paid those 
boys handsomely to keep it quiet. 

I asked him if my fate would be the same. "Not if you 
don't want to..."He said "If you'd stay with me, I could 
call you my roady... p.a...anything..." 

Although being one of the most successful and adored 
artist in the world, he seemed so lonely and longing for 
a companion. I couldn't answer yet, but I could kiss him, 
and I slowly felt him relax in my arms. Softly we made 
love, this time it was very gentle. Afterwards he fell 
asleep in my arms. I held him for a long time. Later I 
ordered room service, and served him breakfast in bed. 
Suddenly Mick spoke about quitting the showbiz industry 
for staying with me. I said that he was taken by the 
moment, that he shouldn't talk nonsense. He hardly knew 
me. 

Mick said he'd love to get to know me better, and once 
more asked me to travel part of the tour with him. How I 
would have liked to come with him at THAT instance, but 
at that moment I had two jobs waiting, and knew they'd 
never want me back if I'd cancel them at the last moment. 
What if things with Mick wouldn't work out? I'd be out of 
a job and have nothing! Mick understood, but seemed 
disappointed and crushed. Then he got another idea: I'd 
finish my jobs, take no new ones, arrange for a holiday, 
and we'd meet up in Paris! 

I agreed, and Mick relaxed. We swapped addresses and 
numbers, and Mick left excited about our little plan. 

I never expected anything to come from it, so I never 
called him. So two days later I was stunned to receive a 
phone call from an insulted and indignant Mick. Why I 
hadn't called. Then I received a first class ticket to 
Paris. 

When I arrived, Mick was there to collect me at the 
airport. He was wearing the disguise I knew so well, and 
a violent green silk blouse. He was excited to see me. 
His disguise gave him the courage to simply jump in my 
arms and kiss me. 

He kept talking about all the fun things that were to 
come. He was amazingly and lovingly considerate and 
sweet. 

We spent a romantic evening on a boat on the Seine, he 
was more then sweet to me. 

I decided to accept his offer to travel part of the tour 
with him. 

This time I decided to accept his offer to travel part of 
the tour with him. Although I hardly had any of my stuff 
with me. 

Mick seemed to know, and took me on a shopping spree. He 
bought me absolutely EVERYTHING! I was very surprised 
about this, and said: "I thought your girlfriends said 
you were mean..."

Mick smiled and said, "To women...yes..."

I traveled with him to Britain, Spain, Portugal (where 
the picture was made), France -France was great, seeing 
we celebrated Mick's birthday there. I got to know a lot 
about Mick's secret life. He told me about the nights he 
spent in bed with Rupert Everett, while to the outside 
world it seemed that Jerry was friends with the latter.

About his affairs with bodyguards, (he always took once 
that he thought were pretty, didn't sleep with them.) It 
was such an amazing period, I'm sure it will remain the 
greatest time of my life. I mean: what could possible 
beat this? Being with the Greatest Rock and Roll band of 
all time day and night. And even more amazing: being 
showered with love and kindness by the most famous man in 
the world! He behaved as if I were more important then 
he, he wanted to protect me, he said.

He bought me small gifts most everyday. But I had my 
jealous moments, like when Mick told me he was chasing 
Hugh Grant, and was almost sure he'd have him... I'm sure 
he did. And when I noticed a thing between Mick and his 
tall dark handsome bodyguard. It wasn't a thing I could 
get in-between; the two had been with each other for 
simply years. I never asked if they were lovers or 
friends, and in the end we became close friends. 

The more I got to know Mick, the more I found out what a 
good and kindhearted generous person he really is. I will 
never believe any of the things they wrote or write about 
"nasty, evil, mean, scrooge Mick Jagger" because I've 
been with him and know the truth: About his anonymous 
donations to charity, his love for children, his patience 
and kindness. I can't understand what joy people can get 
out of humiliating him. Ask his friends and you'll see. 

The only thing I disliked was that he kept talking about 
Bowie to me, and kept comparing him to me. Things like: 
'Oh, David did this,' 'Wear this, David wore something 
like that too..' 'Why can't you act more like David...?' 

When the tour returned to Germany I had to stay there. 
Because I too had my work to do. After that Mick he 
called me almost every day. Or he would sent me cards and 
flowers with sweet wishes. Of course I did the same. He 
told me everything that was on his mind, and often 
arranged for me to come to see him. This was often in the 
Loire Valley. It was a smooth running long distance 
relation, which slowly carried on. 

In the meantime, I realized that I kept feeling more 
tired and kept suffering from an ongoing cold. Mick told 
me to see a doctor. I did, and was told a few weeks later 
that I was suffering from AIDS... When Mick was told, he 
immediately called me, and was the epitome of support. He 
talked to me, and wasn't repulsed or anything. Although I 
thought it better to end our relation, he insisted on 
continuing. I was amazed by so much kindness from a man 
always known as a hard cold-hearted person. Still, life 
continued, and I knew I could live for years with it, so 
I carried on. 

Sometimes Mick secretly visited me. That's when we had 
the most fun: going to gay pubs and clubs, often 
accompanied by my friend William Wilma, an Internet 
journalist from the website "Secret Homosexual Affairs", 
and transvestite. We had tremendous larks. 

Mick totally blossomed, and I was happy. I remember how 
happy Mick was with his part in the movie "Bent". He told 
me that it would give him a chance to talk about his real 
interest and his real self in interviews for a chance. "I 
actually play myself in this movie..." he said "Except 
that my Germans are my PR person, fans and the press."

We often talked about what he would wear, it were really 
subjects that Mick adored. If he really liked something, 
there was a childlike happiness about him that made him 
seem years younger then me. Once Mick told me an odd 
story about Uma Thurman being a friend of Jerry, and a 
lesbian. I myself know nothing about it, but have read 
something about this in a gay magazine. 

He also told me about the fact that he'd paid Jana 
Rajlich for coming out of his hotel room in nothing but a 
towel, a practical joke for with which he'd fooled the 
press. He thought it the epitome of fun. But I was quite 
put off by this, seeing: I'm an open homosexual, and 
dislike any of companions doing something like that: 
using women as a cover up: NO WAY! Not even Mick, because 
by then he wasn't a star for me anymore, but simply a 
lover. 

I said something to him then that I regret now but I was 
so fed up with all the stunts he pulled to make people 
forget his gay escapades: "Through weak wussies like you 
this prejudice against homosexuality will never go! Can't 
you see? If you'd come out immediately, everything would 
have been easier for everyone." Mick whispered, "If I'd 
come out immediately, I wouldn't be here I'd be dead!"

I wished I'd asked him what he meant. But I had to say: 
"I never though you'd be like this. What kind of example 
for youth are you? Rather then burry your head, you 
should make a mark! Imagine what a legend you'd become if 
20th century's greatest womanizer and icon would come 
out! Imagine what it would mean to the gay culture! Don't 
you think it would be better to the fans if they could 
live with an idol that was real, instead of the one 
dimensional fake idol you let them believe in?" 

For a moment Mick was quiet. Then he said, "You're to 
stupid to understand, it's not that easy and won't be as 
sunny as you imagine it. Perhaps you're coming out was 
that good. But most aren't, and mine would be hell. I 
would be branded a women user, and exploiter. Hated, and 
would loose everything including my children. There is 
more to it then me: There is Jerry, who will be branded 
the queers wife and loose out on HER jobs, and who will 
hate me forever through it, the children who will be 
inhumanly bullied, and then -the worst part of my 
pressure: the band, they don't want to loose the fans. 
And the press... which actually is the most as well the 
least of my trouble as they'll kill me anyway. God I wish 
I'd never..." Then he hung up. I knew there was something 
going on. 
 
I often visited Mick in the studio when the Stones 
recorded "Bridges to Babylon", and he didn't seem happy. 
He even mentioned the odd "Jerry will probably be 
pregnant soon..." I never asked him what he meant. He 
seemed different, confused, and less confident. As if he 
was afraid.

Things weren't the same after that. Mick called less and 
less, and when I called he hardly spoke, only in asides, 
suddenly afraid someone would hear. One day I received a 
tape with the song "Already over me" with a note from 
Mick, he said he'd written it for me. I called him and 
told him I loved him, he burst into tears and threw the 
horn on the hook. 

On 11-8-97 Mick visited his beloved David Bowie at 
Shepherds Bush, and returned excited. I felt deep 
jealousy. 

Mick took me to see U2 in San Diego; he seemed to have a 
'thing' for Bono, which, I guess is finished now... 

I also saw the Chemical Brothers with them. At both 
concerts I had to pretend to be and not to be with him, 
which was quite hard. 

Instead of me, it was Mick who seemed to get very weak, I 
often found him crying. Something was wrong, but he 
didn't want to tell. Only one time he let something slip. 
He was in tears again, now about an article that once 
more linked him to a girl. Something he just put aside in 
earlier days, but now everything could upset him. From 
newspaper abuses, to the fact that he couldn't get a 
bottle of water open. I held him, and asked him what was 
wrong: "It's killing me, my own reputation, that I've 
build with such care, it's killing me!" His body was 
trembling shivering and meandering in my arms. I noticed 
him getting more and more quiet and thin, but I never 
asked him what was wrong. 

In June it turned out Mick was right, Jerry was pregnant, 
and I was amazed he knew beforehand. For the first time I 
didn't receive an invitation for Mick's birthday. Things 
were going downhill. In August the handsome dark 
bodyguard told me to come over immediately, because Mick 
wanted to see me. 

I already sensed it was wrong. When I arrived I was 
shocked by the paleness of Mick's face. He told me it was 
over, that he couldn't put up with the pressure of the 
Stones machine anymore, they'd been forcing him to break 
up for a long time. And also that he didn't think it fare 
to me. To suffer an illness while having an affair with a 
lover he hardly saw and who had to keep everything hidden 
all the time. Who perhaps couldn't be thee for him when 
he was needed the most. "You need your own steady lover 
Jenz, one who's there for you... I cannot do this. You 
deserve better..." He said. I somehow knew he was right, 
but I didn't want it to end, and saw Mick didn't want it 
either. 

"Please, Mick" I said "You're to tired. We can still 
write. I can see that we both need support."

"You can write..." He smiled wearily. "But I won't 
answer..." then he turned away from me and said: "Please 
go, if you still love me, JUST GO!"

"Mick," I said, "It cost me a fortune to get here, you 
can't simply end it like that!" 

Mick turned around, his face was tired. "Oh..." he 
sighed. "Money..." He ordered his bodyguard to pay me my 
traveling expenses. "Happy?" Mick asked. "All love 
affairs end like this for me. I always have to pay..." He 
trembled.

The bodyguard wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "Come," 
he said, and ushered me out of the room.

Outside he said to me: "Mick loves you very much. But 
he's been under a lot of pressure by the Stones PR for 
the last couple of months to end this affair before the 
tour. I can see why, the two of you were almost caught at 
the U2 concert. They've talked in on Mick and threatened 
him for a long time, but he bravely resisted, but they've 
now broken him."

I was shocked that Mick had never told me. And realized 
that I had to leave Mick for his sake as well as mine. I 
returned the cash that Mick had given me, and left.

After that, it was only a few weeks before Mick called me 
again, and I returned. And we two once more lived through 
adventures together...

After a while my boyfriend William Wilma and I realized 
that we'd always loved each other, and my relationship 
with Mick turned into just good friendship. 

This continued until 21-10-2000... 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's okay to *READ* stories about unprotected sex with
others outside a monogamous relationship. But it isn't
okay to *HAVE* unprotected sex with people other than
a trusted partner. You only have one body per lifetime,
so take good care of it!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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