Lessons Learned

by Arachnophile

It was a typically cold, windy, and wet fall Saturday in Northport, a small city on the south shore of Lake Ontario. The town had a bottling plant and a small port with a railroad terminal that connected to larger cities in the northeast. Northport's best days were behind it. Almost a tenth of the small local population lived below the poverty line. For the rest, it was a hardscrabble existence at best. The only vibrant thing about the place was its branch of the State University system, which provided employment and a modicum of economic activity during the school year. Bundled up against the wind and rain, second year student Barbara Holbrooke was walking back to her apartment when she saw one of her pupils sitting on her apartment building doorstep.

Barbara was returning from the gym having swum for 30 minutes and done another half-hour's worth of drills and exercises. She was a javelin thrower on the track and field team and acknowledged as one of the best in the state. The field event suited Barbara. It was a solitary endeavor consistent with her personality unlike other team sports.

Barbara was also a volunteer tutor for disadvantaged middle school students. She taught them remedial mathematics, science, and almost incidentally imparted the belief that they had worth. It was in the course of her tutoring that she met Jennie Ostrowski, the child sitting literally on her doorstep.

Jennie was 12 years old and in the sixth grade; it being customary in the late-1970s to hold underperforming pupils back a year. The school system added that humiliation to her poverty after the fourth grade. Barbara noticed that she was quiet but not sullen like a lot of the children she taught. Despite Barbara's efforts, most of her charges didn't work very hard or improve very much. Jennie, however, was different.

The child was practically an orphan. Her father had deserted the family shortly after Jennie was born. Her mother had emotional problems and barely kept things together for herself and her only child. She worked nights and some weekends so that Jennie was mostly left on her own. Jennie had, unexpectedly, responded well to the individual attention that Barbara gave her. With Barbara's patient guidance Jennie's grades in math and science shot up. Barbara was convinced that she was being lost within the school system, that it was failing her and not the other way around. She admired the girl's discipline. With just a little bit of encouragement and attention from her college tutor, Jennie showed herself to be a capable student. For this and other reasons, Barbara felt herself drawn to Jennie. Like her, she thought of herself as somewhat outcast.

Barbara was a lesbian. She knew by the fifth grade that she was not interested in boys but was attracted to girls. She was careful, of course, to keep this hidden. It turned out not to be so easy. Because she was good at sports and games, it was immediately suspected that she was gay. She was fortunate enough to have met a boy in junior high who was also gay and needing to hide it. During high school, they presented a convincing appearance of dating. With a minimum of effort, they pulled off the deception at least well enough to deflect suspicion. It helped that she was very "feminine" and that Stewart was not. In fact, she and Stewart Carmody became very close friends as a result. At the University, she kept a photo of Stewart on her desk and kept up the fiction of a long-distance romance. They actually wrote to each other regularly.

Barbara's romantic encounters with females were very few and confined to older girls and young-to-middle aged women, all of it on the sly. She was currently seeing a 32 year old professor of Asian literature in the School of Arts and Humanities. Lee Nakamura was a pretty, petite, Japanese-American scholar with a lively sense of humor; a mostly welcome counter to Barbara's perpetually serious demeanor. Lee was engaged to a professor of American history at Penn State and so in the year before marriage saw him irregularly. She reserved a considerable amount of her free time for Barbara.

"Honey," Lee said one rainy afternoon as they lolled around in Lee's bed, "you need to get a boyfriend for cover. I mean a real one, preferably a married guy who can only see you twice a month."

Barbara had turned away from Lee before answering.

"Stewart works well enough for me. I haven't had a problem yet."

Lee tended to project her own habits and proclivities onto Barbara. Barbara, however, was not like Lee. She didn't go "both ways." Lee really was going to be married. She would settle in and have children with the guy and maybe never sleep with a woman again. For Barbara, that was not an option.

"You should also get a new girlfriend, too. I was thinking that ..." Before Lee could finish her thought, Barbara spoke to her sharply.

"Don't offer to set me up!"

Lee laughed and pulled the covers closer around her.

"Okay, okay ... it was just a thought!"

She reached for Barbara and said, tenderly,

"I'm just thinking about you, baby cakes. I don't want you to miss me when I'm gone."

It hurt Barbara to think about separating from Lee. They both knew this was temporary but still, Barbara liked being with Lee. She had no other sexual or emotional outlet. Her lesbianism aside, Barbara was a naturally reserved person. She turned toward her lover and stroked her face. Wordlessly, they fell into each other's arms.

When Barbara saw Jennie she became alarmed and quickened her pace. The girl was wet and shivering! What has happened now? Barbara thought. Oh, that mother of hers!

"Jennie, what are you doing here?" Barbara said gently as she helped her up. "Come in; come inside."

The girl's lips were trembling with either cold or upset or both. She looked as if she would cry except Barbara knew she would not. Jennie was a lot like Barbara, which is likely why Barbara thought about her often even when they weren't working on math problems. She looked forward to seeing Jennie twice a week not only because she was a bright child just getting excited about school but also because she cared about her. Jennie needed a big sister's guidance and attention. At least that was how Barbara thought of her likely role in Jennie's life. In her more reflective and honest moments, Barbara admitted to herself that she had a crush on the girl.

They walked up the single flight of stairs to Barbara's small off-campus apartment. It gave her time to contemplate the girl's worn shoes and patched jeans and the jacket that was becoming too small.

"Here, take off that jacket. I'll get you a towel."

Jennie stood in the center of the small living room with her head bowed, still shivering slightly.

Barbara quickly returned with a big, pale green bath towel and enveloped the girl. She touched her hands to Jennie's face.

"You're freezing!" she exclaimed. "Come into the bathroom."

After sitting Jennie down on the toilet seat cover in the warm room, Barbara started to draw a bath. Jennie said, "Thank you," and pulled the towel tighter around her head and shoulders. Barbara left the room and quickly returned with a laundry basket.

"Undress and put your clothes in here. I'll take them downstairs to the basement and wash them while you take a hot bath."

Barbara knelt in front of her as the water thundered in the tub. She took the girl's hands in hers.

"Jennie, what happened? Why were you outside in the rain? It's so cold!"

Jennie sniffled and said, softly,

"I went out early this morning to the grocery store without my key and my mother locked the door when she left. She went to Syracuse and won't be back until tomorrow night."

She lifted her head and looked at Barbara.

"I didn't know where to go so I went behind the school for a while."

Oh, my god! Barbara thought. She knew that Jennie didn't have any friends upon whom she could rely. Apparently, she was even too shy to hide out in the public library!

"Oh, Jennie ..." she said and gently touched the girl's cold cheek. "Here, the tub is full now." Barbara turned off the water, creating silence amid the steam. "Just put everything in the basket and leave it outside the door. When I hear you close it, I'll come for the basket. Okay?"

The little girl nodded quickly.

"Thank you, Miss Holbrooke; I'm sorry to bother you. I just didn't know where ..." The girl was fighting back tears. Barbara put her arms around her.

"It's all right, Jennie."

In an attempt to lighten her mood, Barbara said in mock annoyance,

"Hey! I told you to call me Barbara! 'Miss Holbrooke' makes it sound as if I'm fifty years old!"

This made the little waif smile. Barbara smiled back at her, touched her shoulder, and left the room.

Barbara shook her head as she placed Jennie's clothes in the washing machine. How do these things hold together in the wash? she thought; a picture of these is what you see in the dictionary next to the word "threadbare!"

As she added the detergent and some fabric softener, Barbara thought about how lovely and how terribly vulnerable was Jennie. She set the cycle to gentle, closed the lid, and walked upstairs to her apartment thinking about the young girl. She had long dirty blonde hair, a light complexion, and a sprinkling of freckles across the bridge of her upturned nose, and full cheeks. Barbara noticed that she always walked sort of "hunched over," as if preparing herself to absorb a blow. Life had not been kind to Jennie, but then, it hadn't always been so for Barbara either.

Adopted at just four months old, Barbara had never bonded with her adoptive parents and brother. Because she was quiet and focused, they seemed to take her for granted. And because the boy, two years younger, was such a problem child - rude, disobedient, and a tormenting bully - they gave most of their attention to him. The neglect of her parents coupled with the realization that she was a lesbian left Barbara both lonely and a loner.

At age 16 the top-of-her-class student stunned her parents and her teachers by taking the high school equivalency exam and announcing that she was joining the Coast Guard. Though her parents at first refused to sign the papers of enlistment, she convinced them that she intended to be extraordinarily disruptive if they refused. Being concerned with appearances, they gave in and signed. At the end of her two years of service, she changed her name without informing them and so cut herself off from them completely.

Barbara poured hot soup into Jennie's bowl. She then cut the girl's sandwich in half for her and poured her a glass of milk.

"Thank Miss Hol- er, Barbara," she said and giggled, which made Barbara smile. She had prepared a lunch of chicken noodle soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the two of them. She had given Jennie one of her T-shirts, a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and a pair of warm socks while the girl's clothes were drying in the dryer down in the basement.

Barbara sat down at the small table and said,

"Jennie, I'd like you to stay here this weekend until your mother gets home. We'll write a note and slip it under your front door. You could get the superintendent to let you in but I want you to stay here. I think it's safer. Is that all right?"

Jennie smiled broadly and nodded her head vigorously. She clearly was happy to be there.

Miss Holbrooke is so nice to me, she thought; I wish she was my friend.

"Good night, Jennie. I'll leave this nightlight on in case you need to go to the bathroom in the night. If you need anything, come get me. I'll be on the couch. Okay?"

"Okay, Barbara; thanks."

Barbara pulled the covers up to Jennie's chin, gently touched her cheek, and then turned off the nightstand lamp.

After lunch, Barbara had spent thirty minutes combing the tangles out of Jennie's hair. It was an intimate gesture that pleased Jennie and Barbara, overly concerned about propriety, felt it did not violate her trust in any way. That Barbara harbored feelings of affection for Jennie made her uncomfortable as she did not think it appropriate. Still, she was drawn to her and could not deny it. Maybe it was because Jennie was lonely, Barbara thought, just like me.

Very late that night, Barbara turned over on her sofa and opened her eyes. What time is it? she wondered vaguely when her eye was caught by the shape on the throw rug illuminated by the streetlamp.

What? Jennie?! she said to herself, still slightly disoriented by sleep.

The child was curled up next to the sofa with a blanket and pillow.

Distressed, Barbara got up and knelt on the floor next to the girl. She gently shook her shoulder.

"Jennie!" she whispered. "Jennie!"

The little girl opened her eyes and stared at Barbara. Barbara said to her softly,

"What are you doing here?"

The girl lay still and replied,

"I had a nightmare ... I was afraid ... so I came out here. Is that okay?"

Moved almost to tears by her, Barbara put her arms around Jennie and kissed her forehead.

"Jennie ... come on, you can't sleep on the floor. Let me take you back to bed."

Jennie looked up at Barbara and said, imploringly,

"Will you stay with me? So I won't be scared?"

Barbara replied,

"Jennie, the bed is small ..."

I won't take up much room ... please ... or I can sleep on the floor ..."

Barbara sighed. "All right; let's go and you will not sleep on the floor!" She helped the girl to her feet.

Situated in bed, Jennie moved close to Barbara who was facing away from her. Thinking Barbara was asleep, Jennie carefully moved closer until she just barely touched her. Umm ... she thought. Feeling safe and comfortable, she smiled, closed her eyes, and fell asleep.

Barbara, however, was not asleep. She felt the warmth of Jennie's touch and trembled slightly, hoping Jennie wouldn't feel it. Unlike Jennie, soothed by the proximity to the older girl, Barbara was electrified by the young girl's closeness.

Oh, god! Barbara thought; what's happening to me? What am I feeling and why? She's a girl, a child!

Asleep, Jennie then unconsciously draped her arm around Barbara. The older girl was startled but at the same time pleased to feel her so near, further confusing her. Barbara stayed completely still as she wrestled with the feelings that had so surprised her. Oh, Jennie! she said to herself; you dear little girl, what are you doing to me?!

She thought of Jennie's situation, which had touched her. Due to her mother's mental illness, the girl had to cope with very adult responsibilities some of which were beyond her capability. It was wearing her out. Barbara thought that at least some of her problems in school were due to her lack of sleep.

She had almost no one to help her, no one in whom she could confide, no one to guide her. She had only an overworked social worker in the county office building downtown. Barbara realized that she was the one adult presence that was consistently helpful and caring. She was a help to Jennie, but what had this done for Barbara? To Barbara?

Though fearful that the girl might start and draw back, Barbara gently took Jennie's hand and pressed it to her tummy. Jennie sighed and snuggled closer. After just a few minutes of lying close together, Barbara started to cry softly. To her surprise, she had found herself susceptible to the simple affection of this underprivileged girl. Barbara wept from the tenderness, sadness, and desire that had overcome her.

She knew then that she had been alone too long, too closed off. Even with her few lovers she had not been - could not be - open, vulnerable. Reserved perhaps to an extreme, Barbara had failed to recognize her emotional vulnerability. She now saw what Lee had meant when in one of her more serious moments had told her, "You know, you're just not in touch with your feelings." Not understanding at the time, Barbara had brushed off the remark and so had failed to recognize that she had, indeed, neglected her emotional needs.

Now this young girl's plight, her innocence, and her simple affection for Barbara had loosed a torrent of emotion that she scarcely believed was there and seemed unable to control. Oh, Jennie, she thought, as tears ran down her face; you sweet little girl!

The next morning, Barbara carefully and quietly slipped out of bed allowing Jennie to sleep. She put some oatmeal on the stove, wondering how often Jennie ate a hot breakfast. While that cooked slowly, she sat at the small kitchen table and cut up some apples. Barbara had purchased some whole wheat bread the day before. She would toast that for them when Jennie was awake.

As she peeled the apples, Barbara looked out the window at the gray, late autumn sky and thought about her reaction to the sweet, vulnerable girl's affection for her. What am I supposed to do about this?

"Hi, Barbara."

Barbara looked over to see to see Jennie standing in the doorway rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Barbara's heart beat faster and she felt flushed to see the pretty little blonde wearing an oversized sweatshirt and sweat pants. Barbara smiled.

"Good morning, sleepy head!"

Jennie giggled and blushed. Solicitous, Barbara then said,

"Did you sleep well? Did you have any more nightmares?"

Jennie sat down at the small table.

"No, I didn't. Thanks for asking."

Jennie appeared to be thinking hard about what she wanted to say next. Looking over at Barbara and blushing again, she said,

"Barbara, thanks for letting me sleep next to you. I hope I didn't bother you too much."

Smiling warmly, Barbara replied softly,

"You didn't bother me at all. I'm glad you slept well." It was so nice to have you near me, Barbara thought but didn't say. I'll miss you when you go home this evening. "Are you hungry?"

Jennie smiled and nodded her head rapidly. Jennie sat while Barbara dished out the oatmeal and the apples. After filling the girl's bowl, Barbara bent over and kissed the top of her head.

Jennie turned and, looking up at Barbara, gave her a smile of contentment and happiness. The two stopped and smiled at each other in a tableau of love and tenderness, though they did not fully recognize it as such just yet.

"Hello?"

Barbara picked up the phone wondering who could be calling her on a Sunday evening.

"Miss Holbrooke?"

"Yes, who ...?"

"Miss Holbrooke, this is Melinda Ostrowski, Jennie's mother."

"Oh! Hello, Mrs. Ostrowski."

"I'm sorry to call you so late but I just got home. I wanted to thank you for taking care of Jennie this weekend. I'm so embarrassed that she was locked out. I should have checked to make sure she had her key. I hope she was well behaved and didn't cause you any trouble."

Barbara replied, "Oh, she was no trouble at all. It was my pleasure. Jennie is a very nice girl. She was delightful to have as a guest."

Jennie's mom was silent for a moment before saying,

"I have trouble sometimes ... keeping things straight ... I ... worry about Jennie ... I ..."

"Mrs. Ostrowski, it's okay."

"I have this medication that I take, you know, to help me to remember stuff ... I'm sorry ... you don't want to know these things."

The woman's voice was shaky and she was on the verge of tears.

"Mrs. Ostrowski, don't apologize. I do want to know. I understand ... it's hard, sometimes; to cope."

Melinda Ostrowski sniffled and said in a choked voice, "I don't want them to take Jennie away from me. If I keep making mistakes, they'll take her away. I don't ... want ..."

At about their sixth tutoring session, Jennie had confided to Barbara that she was terrified at the prospect of being placed in foster care. As a result, Jennie was complicit in her mother's unintentional neglect. It was a situation in which Jennie clearly suffered but for which she could devise no remedy. Understanding Melinda's fear and feeling sympathetic, Barbara rescued her.

"I know; I know. Look, let me give Jennie a key to my place. If she ever needs anything, if she's ever locked out again, or anything at all, she can come here. You won't have to worry. No matter what, you won't have to worry."

"Oh, Miss Holbrooke, I couldn't ..."

"Please, call me Barbara. It's for Jennie. I genuinely like having her around. It wouldn't be a burden."

"Really? That would be all right? Can I tell them ... that she's got help if she needs it ... you know ... oh, and please call me Melinda."

"Of course you can. If you need me to sign something, to make it official, I'll be glad to."

"Oh, you won't have to sign anything. If I could just tell them ... tell them your name and maybe your phone number ... would that be okay?" she asked hopefully.

"Yes, of course. That will be fine. And Melinda ..."

"Yes ..."

"Jennie can come here anytime. She doesn't need a reason. When I see her on Tuesday, I'll give her a key. Will that be okay?"

Not expecting such kindness, Melinda Ostrowski was effusive in her gratitude.

"Yes; yes that would be wonderful, so helpful. I will try to find a way to pay you ..."

"No, Melinda; no! I don't want any money. I'm glad to be able to help you and to help Jennie."

"Oh ... thank you. I love Jennie ... I don't want ... thank you. Good night, Miss- I mean Barbara. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Melinda. Good night."

After she hung up the phone, Barbara thought, that poor woman! That poor child!

Barbara felt the conflict between the joy of having Jennie around and the guilt for the way she felt about her. It was clear, however, that both Jennie and her mother needed her. Goodness knows, she said to herself, that I need Jennie. She thought at that moment, but I will not take advantage of this. This must remain platonic. She's just a girl; she's not a woman yet.

"Thanks, Barbara," Jennie said softly and eagerly. Looking around to make sure no one else could hear, she said to her tutor, "I hope my mom didn't bother you the other night. I told her it was too late to call but she ..."

"Jennie, it's okay. I was glad she called. It was okay."

Barbara reached out to lightly touch Jennie's hand. There were in a small conference room at the college library. Barbara had just given Jennie the spare key to her apartment and told her to come whenever she wished. She didn't have to call or make arrangements ahead of time. If she needed Barbara, she would be available day or night and if she wanted to go there when Barbara wasn't home, well, that was fine, too. She reassured the girl that she understood her mother's condition and how hard it was for her, for the both of them. She told the little girl that she did not need to be embarrassed by her mother.

"Jennie, sometimes adults have problems that are too big for them. Your mom loves you. It's hard for her. She depends on you, you know, and that's a big responsibility, sometimes too big for a twelve year old."

Barbara reached out again and touched Jennie's cheek.

Jennie relaxed and smiled. Taking nothing for granted but wanting to know what this meant, she asked innocently,

"Barbara, are you my friend, now?"

Deeply touched, Barbara took the child's hand in hers, squeezed and replied,

"Yes, Jennie; I'm your friend. I've always been your friend."

Jennie smiled and giving an answering pressure said,

I'm so glad! Thanks, Barbara!"

Over the next four months, Jennie spent a lot of time with her teacher and friend. A bit shy at first and not wanting to assume too much, Jennie was cautious. The experience of her primary caretaker, her mother, had left her unable to fully trust adults. But when Barbara started to invite her over for lunch or dinner, to take her to the movies, or to an event at the college, Jennie became more relaxed.

One Saturday morning, she showed up at Barbara's door unannounced, partially because she liked being around Barbara but also because she wanted to see what would happen. The look of happiness on Barbara's face told Jennie all she needed to know. Happy to know she was truly welcome, Jennie overcame her natural shyness and hugged Barbara. Barbara hugged the little girl and pressed her face to the side of her head in a simple gesture of affection.

One Saturday, Barbara took Jennie to the gym with her at the girl's request. When Jennie learned that Barbara was a champion athlete, she wanted to know everything about it. Barbara explained that it required year-round training that included both physical and mental preparation. So, that weekend morning, Jennie brought her bathing suit as they would start first with Barbara's twice-weekly half-hour swim. She explained to the girl that doing the backstroke for thirty minutes both strengthened and loosened her shoulders, essential to success in throwing the 600 gram (1 and 1/3 lbs.) women's javelin.

When Jennie accepted Barbara's invitation to accompany her, Barbara suddenly realized that she needed to deal with the situation of their mutual nudity in the locker room. Barbara discussed the situation with Jennie who was completely comfortable with it. As they walked to the athletic complex, Barbara reminded herself not to stare at Jennie when they changed into their swimsuits. She admitted to herself that she wanted to see the young girl's naked body but was afraid to be seen staring at her. She was afraid Jennie might feel violated. As a result, Barbara resolved to pretend that the girl was not there.

Jennie, for her part, however, looked at Barbara's more mature body. She admired her long brunette hair, her breasts, and the adult thatch of dark hair between Barbara's legs. Jennie's breasts were atill only the smallest buds and in comparison had only light, feathery wisps of hair between her thighs.

Telling the girl to enjoy the water, Barbara excused herself and began her training swim. Barbara looked at Jennie's developing body and had to fight down her desire. No, she said to herself; she's a little girl. I can't think that way. That would betray her trust.

Jennie swam for a bit and had fun doing "cannonball" dives off the low diving board. There was only one other person in the pool, an elderly faculty member with whom Barbara would always converse and compare training regimens. She introduced Jennie to him. He had from the first been impressed with the young woman's discipline and now was further impressed with her obvious caring for her pupil.

After leaving the pool, Barbara changed into workout gear and did weight training and then some running drills on the field in front of the gym complex. She had Jennie lift some light weights, explaining the fitness value of the activity. Jennie ran and walked around the track and after 20 minutes, they stretched together and walked to Barbara's apartment for lunch.

All that fall and into winter, Jennie spent time working with Barbara on her schoolwork. She improved a great deal, which pleased Barbara and helped Jennie to feel more confident. At the same time, Barbara was instilling in the young girl a love for learning. Jennie took Barbara as her role model. Barbara noticed that the girl even wanted to dress like her mentor!

The outdoor track & field season began the first week in April. Jennie looked forward to it eagerly. She had circled the meet days on the calendar in her bedroom.

"Barbara," Jennie said one day in mid-March after they finished a lesson, "I can't wait to see you throw the javelin! I'll be so excited!"

A bit embarrassed, Barbara said, "Well, I hope I can do okay." Then after thinking a moment, said, "I hope it doesn't rain!" That statement made them both laugh.

When the day of the first meet came, Jennie was waiting in the living room for Barbara to finish packing her gym bag. They would walk together the eight blocks to the athletic complex. Barbara told Jennie she could "shadow" her but that she would have to leave her by herself for a bit while she warmed up. She instructed Jennie about how to stay safe around the potentially dangerous throwing implements: shot, discus, hammer, and javelin.

"Sometimes throws get away from people and land outside the sector. Just stay behind the lines with the flags on them."

Knowing the girl's habits, Barbara warned her, "Don't walk with your head down. Keep your head up and your eyes on the people throwing. Okay?"

Jennie smiled brightly. "Yes, Barbara; I'll watch." She was pleased to go to the college athletic contest and to take in all the activity and the concentrated efforts of the athletes.

Barbara was to be the fourth thrower up in the first round. She was a clear favorite given that her best toss from the year before was 148 feet, some 35 feet farther than the next best competitor. Jennie had hoped Barbara would win but didn't say anything about it to her. Barbara was deep in concentration, preparing almost in isolation for her event. She had explained this to Jennie the day before.

"I'll need to go off by myself at some point. Don't feel left out. It's just for a few minutes and it's something all athletes need to do."

The girl understood. She was impressed, fascinated, really, at seeing a side of her friend she hadn't seen before.

Jennie watched as Barbara hefted the spear in her right hand, holding it over her right shoulder as she began her run to the throwing line. As she gathered speed, her upper body canted backward and to the right; her arm dropped and her knees lifted. And then it seemed to Jennie that Barbara came to a dead stop. She had planted her left leg about two feet away from the midline of her body stopping her forward momentum. Just the slightest bit behind this motion, her upper body snapped forward, bending at the waist, with her throwing arm following through, punching a hole seemingly in the sky. She finished in a semi-crouch as the implement sliced through the air at a 45° angle, spinning along its axis at 20 revolutions per second.

Even Jennie's untrained eye could tell how much better than everyone else was Barbara and the result confirmed it. While the other young women struggled to throw the javelin over 100', Barbara's first throw landed 159' 6" down the field. It was a personal best by 11 feet. Upon hearing the result, the normally taciturn Barbara permitted herself a smile. The hard work she'd done since the end of the previous season had paid off.

"Wow, Barbara! You were great!"

Barbara and Jennie were walking back to Barbara's apartment after the track meet. Jennie was so excited she could barely contain her enthusiasm. If she had admired Barbara up to that morning, she now idolized her. A little embarrassed, Barbara sought to help Jennie understand that success comes when you work hard at the right things.

"You can do something like that, you know. You just have to find what you're good at and what you like. Once you do that, just put in the work and you'll get there."

Jennie looked pensive as they walked along in silence. After a while, she said,

"Barbara, how will I know what I'm good at?"

As they stood on a street corner, waiting for the signal to cross, Barbara answered,

"I think you just have to try things. And it's good to be open to new things. You're young, Jennie. You don't have to decide today or tomorrow or even next year. Just don't be afraid to try things."

Jennie smiled in response as Barbara reached out to stroke her hair. She took Barbara's hand and kissed it. She looked into her tutor's eyes and said,

"I never thought I could be good at anything 'til you helped me."

Barbara smiled warmly at her and said,

"I'm glad, Jennie."

A month later, Jennie was thrilled when Barbara went to the Division III national championships in the javelin throw, finishing second.

In June, at the end of the school year, Jennie was scheduled to receive an award for her academic achievements. She invited Barbara to the school's year-end assembly. Barbara was happy to attend and was very proud of the girl. Jennie had worked hard and followed Barbara's tutelage and advice not least because she wanted to please her. She liked spending time with Barbara and especially sleeping with her on Friday and Saturday nights. It made her feel safe ... and loved.

For her part, Barbara enjoyed being close to the sweet child. Although she felt very keenly the sexual deprivation of her restraint, more than anything Barbara treasured the cuddling and soft kisses she would give Jennie when she was sure the girl was asleep. Jennie never felt the slight shaking that Barbara's occasional weeping produced. She suffered because she loved Jennie but could not bring herself to express it fully. She was sure it would be taking advantage of her pupil and friend. Jennie has enough problems, Barbara decided; I can't risk being one more.

Mrs. Elaine Werner, principal of Westlake Middle School, cleared her throat before she made her next announcement.

"And the award for the most improved student goes to ... Jennifer Ostrowski."

The gathering of Jennie's classmates, parents, and teachers erupted in applause. During the course of the year as she did better in school, perhaps not so coincidentally, she was more successful socially. She had developed close friendships with two of the girls in her class and felt accepted at last.

Through Barbara's efforts, Jennie felt less pressure at home and had found schoolwork easier. Barbara worked with Jennie's social services case worker to assist in giving Melinda the help she needed, thus reducing Jennie's responsibilities at home. It helped everyone. Melinda as a consequence worried less about her daughter and was able to organize her life so as to make it more manageable for them both.

Jennie walked up to the stage to receive a plaque from the principal. As she accepted it, she whispered something to Mrs. Werner, who smiled and nodded her head. Jennie then stepped up to the microphone and said,

"Thank you, Mrs. Werner; and thank you to my teachers. I'm very grateful to receive this award. I want to say that I owe it all to my tutor and friend, Miss Barbara Holbrooke. Thank you, Barbara!"

Amid the applause, Elaine Werner motioned for Barbara, who had been sitting next to a very proud Melinda Ostrowski, to stand, which she did. She smiled and waved to Jennie from one of the middle rows.

Barbara was sitting across from Jennie in the local Baskin/Robbins ice cream store. She was taking her prize-winning pupil out for a treat to celebrate. Melinda had to go to her job and couldn't join them.

In between gulping down heaping spoons of orange sherbet, Jennie asked, "Barbara, what did those ladies talk to you about?" She was referring to two attending parents that introduced themselves to Barbara as the assembly broke up.

"They wanted to know if I would tutor their sons. I told them that it was up to the program and that I couldn't handle more than one student per semester. I referred them to the program director and they were happy with that."

Jennie beamed at her friend.

"They wanted you 'cause you're the best!"

Barbara smiled at Jennie.

"Yeah, well, it helps to have a student like you. You made me look good!"

They laughed together. Then Barbara became serious.

"You are a good student, Jennie. You just needed a little bit of help and some guidance. This was all you, you know."

Jennie shook her head and said firmly, "I would never have done any of that without you."

"Okay," Barbara conceded, "we did it together."

They returned to Barbara's apartment where they discussed the plan for Jennie entering the 7th grade. Barbara and Jennie were both confident that the girl could succeed mostly on her own. Barbara would act more as an advisor than a tutor. Jennie then asked Barbara some questions about her personal life.

"So, is Stewart really your boyfriend? He never comes to visit you."

"Well ..." caught off guard, Barbara said, hesitantly, not knowing what to say, "he's sort of my boyfriend ... I guess ..."

Then looking at Jennie, she finally said,

"No, he isn't really my boyfriend." Barbara looked down at the table.

"Oh," Jennie said and asked no more questions.

Barbara and Jennie had soup and some sandwiches for supper. As they started to eat, Jennie remarked, "This is what we ate when I came to your apartment that time," Jennie said, recalling the day Barbara found her wet and shivering on her doorstep.

"Yes, that's right. Wow; that seems so long ago."

Finally, it was time for Jennie to leave as Barbara wanted to be sure she got home before dark. Barbara walked her down the stairs to the street. Barbara gave Jennie a hug, kissed her on the cheek, and handed her the plaque.

"Hey," she said, "Don't forget this."

Jennie took it and set it down on the sidewalk. She turned toward Barbara and stood for a moment looking at her. As they looked into each other's eyes, Barbara trembled inside. This sweet girl turns me inside out, she said to herself.

Jennie then surprised Barbara by stepping forward and hugging her. She said to her friend,

"I love you, Barbara!"

She then closed her eyes and kissed Barbara on the lips for what seemed a long time.

Barbara was stunned, disconcerted. She didn't know how to react. When Jennie opened her eyes and saw Barbara's expression, her face fell, she turned red, and grabbing her plaque ran down the street. Barbara called after her, "Jennie! Jennie!" but the girl kept running.

Three weeks went by and Barbara did not hear from Jennie. During that summer, Barbara worked at an administrative job at the college. One Friday afternoon, she found herself just going through the motions of her work day, listless and unhappy.

Carol Quinn, the provost's full-time secretary and full-time "mother hen" to the student workers said to her,

"Barbara! Are you all right? Are you feeling sick? You don't look well."

Having attention drawn to Barbara's private anguish was too much for her. The normally reserved and always in control young woman started to cry and couldn't stop.

"Oh, Barbara!" Carol said, alarmed. "Honey, come into the office; lie down on the sofa."

As Barbara lay down, she reflected on how she had gotten to the point where she could no longer control her emotions in public. She missed Jennie. She loved the girl and because she couldn't respond to her affection, because she had conditioned herself to be restrained, she'd lost her. She feared that she would never see her again and was crushed by that thought.

After work, Barbara walked slowly home, heartbroken, and with her head down. She got all the way to the house next door before she saw her, sitting on her steps.

"Jennie!" Barbara said, her heart pounding and her face flushed. The girl looked sad. Her eyes were red and she was sniffling. She held something on her lap. She stood up when Barbara approached. As it was summer and warm, Jennie had on a light T-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts and sandals on her feet.

She's so beautiful, Barbara thought despite, or perhaps because of, her distress. Her longing was almost palpable.

Jennie could barely meet her eyes.

"Here," she said. She extended her hand to Barbara. In it was Barbara's spare key. "I brought your sweatshirt back, too."

Barbara's heart sank.

"Jennie, no; please keep the sweatshirt. It's yours."

Jennie put her head down and started to cry.

"Oh, Jennie! Please don't cry."

On the verge of tears herself, Barbara said to the sobbing girl, as she did that cold, wet afternoon when she first found the child literally on her doorstep, "Come in, Jennie; come inside."

Jennie allowed herself to be led into the apartment with Barbara's arm around her. Barbara helped the girl to the sofa and sat down next to her. It's good to see you and to touch you, Barbara thought.

"I'm ... sorry," Jennie said, haltingly. "I'm being weird ... I didn't mean ..."

"No, Jennie," Barbara said gently, "It's all right." Barbara handed her a tissue. Jennie blew her nose. She apologized and then said,

"I miss you so much, Barbara."

Hearing this made Barbara's heart ache.

"I've missed you, too, honey; so much." She stroked the girl's hair. "You can come over any time you want, you know. You don't have to stay away."

Jennie lifted her head.

"Yes, I know ... but ..." and then she was silent. Barbara didn't rush her; she let Jennie compose herself.

After a minute or so, Jennie said,

"I didn't want to see you anymore ... because ... I made myself look stupid and embarrassed you ... and I thought you probably hated me ..."

"Jennie! Hated you?! I ... what ..."

"Because I love you Barbara. I love you so much and I know you don't like me in that way."

Her heart beating fast, Barbara rose from her seat and knelt in front of Jennie. Unwilling to take anything for granted, she took her hands and said,

"Jennie, honey, what do you mean when you say you love me? And what did you mean, in what way?" All the while she thought, please let this be what I'm hoping it will be!

Jennie lifted her head and blinked her eyes. She sniffled again and then said,

"I want to hold you and kiss you ... and ... to touch you, all over. I loved it when you held me in bed. I wanted you to touch me ... all over ... but you never did.

"I think you're so beautiful and so smart and so kind ... and ... well ... just everything!"

Barbara's heart soared. It was true, then. She would not let this opportunity go by. She would tell the girl how she felt about her, despite the difference in their ages, despite her scruple.

"Jennie, I feel the same way about you."

Jennie looked shocked. Her eyes opened wide and her mouth fell open. Incredulous, she stammered,

"You ... you do?! But ... but you never told me or anything!"

Barbara sighed.

"I know. I was afraid that if you found out I was in love with you, you'd run away and I'd never see you again. I thought my love for you wasn't right because you're still a girl and I'm a ... grown-up; sort of."

Barbara and Jennie stood up and wrapped their arms around each other. Jennie spoke first.

"When I kissed you, I didn't even think about it. I just knew I couldn't hold it inside any more. Then when I did it, and saw your face, I thought you didn't like it. That's why I ran away. I was so embarrassed and afraid!"

Barbara held her tight and stroked her hair.

"I'm sorry, Jennie. I was afraid, too.

"I'm so in love with you, Jennie. I knew I was in love with you that day I found you at my door. I was foolish for not sharing it with you. My dear, dear Jennie ... forgive me."

Their lips locked as they kissed passionately. They caressed each other gently. After a few moments, Barbara broke from their embrace.

"Come with me, Jennie," she said as she led the girl to her bedroom.

Barbara took off her clothes and happily showed herself to Jennie. Jennie was enthralled. She took in Barbara's beautifully toned, athletic body with her firm high breasts, her slim waist, and the dark triangle between her legs. Jennie then undressed, taking off her T-shirt and training bra and then her shorts and her pale pink panties. Barbara gazed lovingly and longingly at the girl's budding breasts and slim hips.

Barbara took Jennie's hand and led her to the bed. She pulled back the covers and got in. Jennie, smiling happily, took her place beside the girl she loved. They held each other close, kissed each other tenderly, and reveled in the feeling of the warm, soft skin of their young bodies pressed against each other. Barbara and Jennie, a young woman and a young girl, smiled each at the other, reflecting the purest joy that either of them had ever felt.

Epilogue

"Hurry, Barbara; or you'll be late!"

"Oh, don't fuss so, Marianne. We'll get there on time."

Fifty year old Barbara Holbrooke looked at herself in the mirror. She was dressed in a tight-fitting black dress that came up to her mid-thigh. Her legs were encased in shear, black stockings. Her abundant gray hair had been clipped and styled that morning. Despite the wrinkles, she looked good for her age, having kept her figure through continuous exercise. Yeah, she said to herself, I should make a pretty good impression today ... for an old lady! and laughed aloud.

"Barbara ..." her friend and assistant at work moaned.

Oh, she is such a worry-wart! thought Barbara. Young people today ... and she sighed.

"Okay, Marianne; I'm ready."

Marianne let her off in front of the little chapel as she went to park the car. There were a few friends there waiting around the entrance. They greeted Barbara warmly and congratulated her. It was good day for a wedding. The sun was shining and it was warm but not hot, with a gentle breeze blowing.

Barbara took her place with the others on the altar. She herself wasn't keen on religion at all but the bride wanted the wedding in a church, so that was fine with her. Wasn't the marriage itself was the most important thing? No need to make a fuss over the details.

She turned her head as music started to play. Her younger daughter, Ashley, walked down the aisle, dropping rose petals as she went. A nice touch, Barbara thought; and then came the bride.

She was dressed in a white dress coincidentally similar to Barbara's own except that she also wore a simple head piece and veil and was holding a bouquet in her two hands.

When everyone was assembled on the altar and the minister present, the ceremony began. Jeffrey, the minister and a close friend of the bride, delivered the expected lines.

"We are gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony ..."

Though she probably should have paid close attention, Barbara allowed her mind to wander a bit. I've heard the whole speech a hundred times, she thought. She took in the chapel and admired its intimacy. Marriage was a big step for most people. Barbara knew that she herself tended to ... she snapped to attention when she heard Jeffrey say,

"Do you Barbara Holbrooke take Jennifer Ostrowski to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health, 'til death do you part?"

Barbara turned to Jennie, the girl she had loved for more than thirty years. Jennie looked over at Barbara. Barbara could see through her veil that her eyes were filled with tears of happiness. Barbara touched Jennie's arm and said with a smile,

"I already have!"

The End