| Arizona Highways, Part 2 – I'm Not Hungry Flash forward 1982 The awful searing heat of the Arizona day has abated somewhat to the coolness that only a desert night can bring. The old Chevy truck rolls smoothly down the endless Arizona highway. Phoenix was an altogether unpleasant day for me; it was 120 degrees and a stop at the home of one of Sir’s relatives had brought me some embarrassment, all my own doing but to this day I regret my actions if only because I must have seemed the very thing I hate. I was to be honest in hindsight again very immature; I had been rude though unintentionally to my host in Phoenix. I knew even at that moment that I should not have acted as I did but it was my painful shyness not bigotry of course but my host did not know me well enough to know this. We girls, Daniella, Frederica, Carlotta (yes she was along as well she was going to stay in Tucson with family) and another of their cousins, I don’t even remember her name but she was the same age as Carlotta and very pretty. She could have been one of those beautiful young dancers you see at Fiesta times. Dark almost black eyes, I had never seen truly black eyes before, the contrast with her almost Spanish white skin was breath taking. I didn’t know much of anything about her she had just joined us in Phoenix. I remember being so embarrassed again at my actions that afternoon. All had been going well we all played in the cool shade of the yard even Carlotta was being nice to me, despite that moment of intimate, even if induced sexual bliss she had quickly returned to her old nature — perhaps I sometimes mused as a form of denial. Anyway Tio Juan called each of the girls by name to come in and have lunch. But he never said my name, in my own mind honestly at the time I thought it bad manners on my part to just assume that I could eat as well. Silly as it sounds that was the mind of a shy 12 year old at work I didn’t want to be rude. After some time Tio Juan appeared again and said come on you must be hungry, now I didn’t know what to do. He was probably forced to ask me I reasoned so my best way of being kind was to just say no I’m not hungry and stay outside. One more attempt was made but now I could not now change my mind — it would seem I was lying the first time. The rest of the day passed and nobody said much to me I could tell that Sir was upset, he got very quite and stern faced when he got upset. I was in misery still laying on an old mattress under the camper shell as the old Chevy rolled down the highway. Sir, Daniella, and Frederica were in the cab in front and I was alone on the mattress in the back. I could hear Bean and the cousin talking as they sat on the bed of the truck just below the raised mattress. I tried to will myself to sleep but could not, laying flat on my back in just a light summer skirt and top through slitted eyes I watched the passing car lights dance on the underside of the camper shell, they would move slowly almost hypnotically from front to back and then just the brief sound of passing tires. All was silent now as I seemed to all others to sleep; Bean and her cousin had been silent for sometime perhaps lulled like me into a dream world far far away. I became aware of a depression in the mattress as one of them climbed up to share the comfort of the padded surface I don’t even know which one it, and was so afraid to confront any more reality today I feigned sleep. It was like this for some little time as I lay there flat on my back arms straight at my sides. After sometime I supposed whichever girl it was next to me had also gone to sleep so the touch was nothing really just that I for some reason became acutely aware of if. Her and I can only call the other person “her” because that is all I’m sure of. Her hand, the side more precisely rested against the side of my hand I dare not move, the crazy thing is I didn’t want to move I wanted her hand there touching mine. Then a movement and a slight turn to the side and her hand shifted now completely covering my own but not like holding hands or gripping just laying softly warmly completely on top of my own. I could hear her softly breathing it was a sleeping kind of breathing. What if she woke up I panicked what would I do what would I say. Wasn’t I in enough trouble today with out her waking and finding me touching her hand. I kept my eyes closed so tight it even hurt I didn’t want to see the face that might accuse me at any moment, but still I did not move MY hand. Was I crazy did I have a death wish, a wish to be abandoned in some desert town a million miles from nowhere, calling my mom collect from a pay phone in Deadwood, Tombstone, Boot Hill or some other old west cowboy outpost. Breathe sleep breath you’re asleep to Cees I told myself. In the middle of my self induced autobiography/obituary the old Chevy took what must have been some sort of sharp sloping turn on the highway. SHE like a load of loose laundry rolled from her side falling over pinning my flat open palm right at the juncture of her slightly spread legs, while the arm that had been on her opposite side landed squarely on my right little walnut. OK if there is a God, and being a good Catholic girl I was sure there was. We all make deals with god when we think we are going to die, well mine was a deal to let me die now, and I busied myself asking for forgiveness in advance. That was my only way out of this; see if I was dead they couldn’t accuse me of anything. More sleep breathing…can I stop breathing if I want to I thought. Can I … She begins to move..please God hurry up take me plea… Her hips move every so slightly over my flat palm. She moves down dragging in the process the front of her skirt above my still pinned palm. Almost exaggerated snoring from her side of the bed. No she’s not awake no way...but that’s fake snores. I fake snore. She rubs on my palm my fingers now bend touching what is even in my panicked state a wet choocia. I fake snore she grumbles like she is talking in her sleep, she scoots ever so slight and captures my now erect little nipples her finger tip absently falling on and then off again from my nipple to cup my small hill. I mumble as if dreaming and she pushes her hips hard on my palm again grinding it down so that one finger tip is just at the edge of her panties a mere flick away from sliding under to touch the covered secret of all secrets. Another fake snore and she pinches and pulls on my tiny stimulated bud At this point I figure we both are aware allowing only our childish sleep play to cloak us in our own private deniability. I take my excited little finger tip and slip it under the soft silkish material. Wiggling probing until I find my wet little nirvana. I can feel her body god I think to myself I never had my finger inside another girls body it so soft so incredibly smooth I feel ridges like my own down there… I hear her moan softly and I push my finger... She snores and her hand drops from my tit to the top of my rumpled skirt. Her hand clutching on my last barrier. I fake snore I raise my butt so that in “her sleep” she can pull it up. Lurch bang. The old Chevy comes grinding down shifting to a halt. Bright blinding lights everywhere even through my tightly closed eyes they sear me. She Leaps Scrambling forward in a panic I hear the back of the shell open Pounding on the sliding window between cab and cabin Sir yells in Come on Chingadara your skinny ass got to be hungry now. Looking up and out the back I see only two pair of identical skirted legs scrambling out. Flashing lights burn my weeping eyes… Denny’s, Denny’s, Denny’s… To this day I will never eat at Denny’s…I hate Denny’s … I’m NOT hungry…. Epilogue: I didn’t eat I couldn’t, how could I not knowing who. My love was lost and I never even knew her. The hour drive after that Carlotta and She sat in the front cab with Sir. Daniella and Frederica in back with me, they contented themselves in their twisted femchismo with passing gas and otherwise emotionally abusing my wracked psyche. As to Bean she stayed in Arizona and I never saw her again after she hugged me and pressed her nose to my cheek wiggling it a bit then while saying good bye to me in Tucson later that morning. And She, She to hugged me also clutching my hand tightly, saying softly she hoped so that she would see me again soon on our way back… We went back to California from the Mexican side of the border. I never saw either one of them again, that was the last of our Arizona trips. My friendship with Daniella and Frederica remained close through Jr. High but by the end of High School we were different people with different friends. I left the barrio after graduation but a piece of my heart will always be in that misunderstood land so many good souls call home. And though I’m sure you have long moved on God Bless you Sir. And Carlotta and She… If you only knew how many nights we have made desperate love. |