I wish I was exaggerating, even a little bit. I'm not, my nieces both had C cups when they were about this age, and it's not just them. #NotAllMen, but ALL Girls. Every single one, every single day. This is for them, a tribute to their courage, and patience through the worst time to be a girl. You think it's bad for them? It's just as bad for the late bloomers. Stop, if you're cruising this site for g-f teen stroke stories, stop it. You might not want to read this, it's not for you.
Leitmotif (Silent, or subconsciously ignored.)
Elvis Costello - Ms Macbeth (Acoustic Demo)
Winny {Men/G Hara NS}
"Hey, you got a boyfriend?"
"No," I'm 13?
"You want a new friend?"
"How old are you sir?"
"I'm only 35."
"Huh," I shook my head, "Well, I'm Only 13!"
"Really, you look so much older." Doesn't keep his eyes off me.
"Well," I covered them up, "No thanks." I walked away.
"Well," he got mad, "Fuck you too!" Just keep shaking my head. Should have hit him, like I wanted to.
But, "Hey," at the door, "that guy bothering you?" He held it, leaning up against it. I keep my head down, and tried to push past.
"Don't worry about it," he finally let me go, but he followed me.
"Well, if you're my girl, that wouldn't happen any more."
"Hh," I shook my head. "Please leave me alone." Finally, I start running.
"Fucking tease," I start crying, "Should've let him Have you!" He yelled after me.
"Uhuhuhuhn!" It's not like, this all the time. Usually I can handle it, but this time especially because there's 2 in a row. But seriously, every day. Ever since I started showing, not just growing, but enough to be noticeable, it's Every Fucking Day! They don't always say anything, sometimes they just sit across from me, on the bus, and stare. I cover up my chest, and pull my shirt over them, but he just smiles, and raises his eyebrows. "Huh!" I wipe my eyes.
"Are you okay?" At least it's a girl this time.
I wipe my eyes, "Snh?" Nod. "Fine."
"What's wrong?" She sat down. So, I told her, what happened, and she patted my shoulder.
"Well, to be fair you do look a lot older."
"Uh?" I shook my head, "I don't look 35, do I?"
"Well, if you dress like that," she waves, "You have to expect that, kind of attention from men."
Like what? Was it the short sleeve boy's shirt, or the shorts, tank top and bra I have to wear under it in August that said, hey guys, come hit on me! She nodded seriously, and walked off. So, I just cried harder. The problem was I was practically in public. I found a quiet corner, to hide, but I guess she saw me running. So, I tried to cry quieter, so nobody could hear me, and come to see what was the matter.
But, I was just wearing shorts. It was hot, especially with a shirt over my top so I could pull it over my chest. Whenever some random guy just stared at them. You know, when I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to grow up? I hated being called "Whiney Winny," but now I realized I really had nothing to cry about. I looked up to women, and I guess I was kind of, fascinated by their boobs? Because they're right there, but now I realize they're man magnets. I got my period when I was 8, and that was gross, but at least nobody could see it! I can't hide them, they're just Cs, but 26 Cs are hard enough for my mom to special order, which makes them cost extra, but I really honestly need the support. I'm petite, and young, so they get in the way, and even looking down because I'm short, it's like the first thing anyone sees, and I can't cover them up, and it's too hot to even try!
So, I just hid, back there, until I heard the bus and rushed out to catch it quick. Thank god there weren't a lot of men on there, and If I hold it down by the corners, out in front of me, it really covers them from the sides. "Hh!" And it's air conditioned, and I can't wait to get home. God, growing up sucks even more than being a child! I didn't think about that, I was stupid, so I just thought I'd get to go out more, do more things, but I didn't consider that I'd Have to, and some of those things mean keeping an eye out, avoiding guys, and boobs are so much more trouble then they're worth. "Huh!" But at least I can scoot down, with my knees up on the seat in front of me, and kind of hide. I don't have to hold my shirt over them, and cross my arms, I can open it up and let the Air Conditioning blow in. "Hhhhh!" That's so much better.
"Hey,"
"Uh!" At least I got them cooled off before I had to cover them up again.
"I'm sorry," he sat down, "But I couldn't help noticing you're having a hard time."
"Then leave me alone!" God!
"You want to talk about it?"
"No!"
"Come on, you know you'd feel a lot better if you talk about it."
"I said LEAVE ME ALONE!" What the fuck is Wrong with them?
"All right," he put his hands up, "All right," and he finally went back to the front of the bus.
Lesser Evils {Gbs NS}
"Hm?" I dropped the razor blade, in the toilet. I tried to flush it down, but it just flipped over and over in there.
She beat on the door, "Save some water!"
"I'll be right out!" I got my bra back up, and unlocked the door then washed my hands.
"Uh!" she rolled her eyes at my bloody fingers, but I covered it up when she beat on the door.
I left before she said anything, but then wouldn't you know, huh. All right, seriously. Teasing girls for cutting is one of the worst things you can possibly do, and you can't then turn around and pretend you're not really trying to hurt someone. But it took 2 whole days for EVERYONE at school to talk about it. "Oh, she's just doing it for attention." Not to me, of course not, why I tried to hide it in the lavatory, because the door locks, but it just wouldn't go down!
"Uh!"
So, I ran to my favorite cry spot, because now I know even that bathroom isn't private enough, and wouldn't yaknow, that was already taken too?
"Nhnhnhnh!" Huh, well at least I forgot all about my problems, and he looked so small, and sad curled up in the corner with his eyes over his face, and his knees up to rest them on.
"Oh," and I found out. It's almost impossible to not say, "Are you all right?" And kick myself, already think yeah, that's why I'm crying don't chaknow? I cry for fun, it's a hobby!
"Snh!" He just looked up.
"You want to talk about it?" I sat down.
Bullies, he's a 7th grader, and even smaller then me. I had this theory going, about how middle school girls turn mean out of revenge, because most of them start growing first, and for once in their lives are bigger then then the boys. I say them, because I didn't grow an inch, taller. Not for over a year, it all went into my chest. "Huh!"
"It's all right," I patted his head, "You'll grow out of it." What I had was experience, years of experience hearing all the things people say that absolutely do nothing at all to make you feel any better, but you know? It actually worked!
"Is that why," he wiped his eyes, "You cut yourself?" I covered my chest. That's when I knew absolutely everyone had heard by now, even the littlest boy in school who had no friends, because he's new.
"Iano?" I shrugged. But, that made me think about it for once. "Huh! I guess, I thought. If I got used to it. Maybe, some day, I might. Huh! Maybe I could cut them off." And I felt better. I braced myself, for any of the horrible things he might say, but his eyes went down.
"Yeah," he nodded.
And then, "You know, my boobs?" He didn't even look at them. I mean ever, but then I noticed. He never did.
"I don't like them either." He shrugged, and nodded.
"My boobs?"
He shrugged, "Well, boobs in general."
"Huh!" I shook my head. "Why not?"
"Iano," shrug, "They're just weird. And kinda, fat?"
"You get used to them."
"Not really," he shrugged, "I'm glad I don't have to worry about them."
"Yeah," I nodded.
"Um," he looked around, "Can you keep a secret?"
"Hang on," I got up. Looked around, "Okay, go ahead."
"Huh!" here goes, "Well, I think I'm." He put his head down. "Hm."
"Gay?" I nodded. What other kind of boy doesn't like boobs? "Ohh," I sat back down, "It's okay," I hugged him. Middle school, when they say the walls have ears what they really mean is there's always someone around, and they always tell. I think, that's how you get popular, you do the most teasing, and come out with the worst teases. I saw that girl, that caught me cutting in the lavatory, she shot right up in status after that.
Which isn't why I didn't have any friends before that. The girls hated me because of all the attention I got from boys. And the boys I didn't want to be anywhere near, for the same reason. That's not all they said, but I remember it, because all that attention is what made me start cutting. I hoped that cutting them off might fix it, not to be popular, but just to be alone. That's how bad I felt about them.
"Well," I helped him up, "come on." I thought of a way to fix that. I just held his hand, swung it real good between us.
"What are you doing?" I stopped, looked at him.
"If you kiss me, they'll never suspect." So, he closed his eyes, got up on tippy toes, and just barely touched my lips. But it worked, I started my first rumor, and he shot way up on the popularity scale, right then. I felt so good, I ignored all the teasing for like a week!
Wendel {bG BFF, NS.}
"What I really hate about being so little and scrawny is ever since I started Jr. High. There's all these bigger older boys, and a lot of them look almost ready for high school. And that's scary, because I know, if they ever suspect, they'd beat me to death. I'm not kidding, to death. It really happens, I saw it on the news, and they went to jail, but that doesn't make the other boy any less dead. So, I can't look, I don't dare look, in the restroom at least they have the little walls between the urinals, but I still have to wait for a stall. I sit down, to pretend to poop instead of pee, and even spin the paper roll before I flush. Thank god none of them are in my PE, because they're 8th graders, because then we'd have to change together, but Huh! I kind of wish they did, so I could see them. Naked."
"So that's why you don't like boobs." After school, we can talk about it, so I nodded.
"Well, not girl boobs," I cover my giggle, "But you know James."
"I know who you mean." She nodded.
The biggest boy in school, "Well, I really like his boobs." He's also the most likely to beat me to death for looking. "He, huh! He came up to me, and." I wiped my mouth, "Well, he asked about you but." They were right in front of me, and I couldn't look away, or talk, or even move, really.
"Yeah, we were in the same Social Studies last year, and he's been crushing on me ever since."
"Yeah," I looked away, because she took a deep breath, and let it out. "Um, you don't, like him too?"
"Huh! I don't know? I mean yeah, he's an asshole, but. You're right, he's real nice to look at, and I noticed his chest. Too."
"Um, so." I looked away, "You don't want to, go out with him, or anything, right?"
She laughed, "Nah, only if he kept his mouth shut, and he'd never do that, but. Huh! It doesn't hurt to look." She nodded, "I know what you mean about his chest, though. He's 15, he failed, that's why he's the biggest guy in school. And he's stupid, too."
"Yeah," but I really wouldn't mind. If he was gay.
"So, what did you tell him?"
"Nothing?" The truth, "I can't talk to him, at all. I just choked up."
"Good," she nodded, "Come on," and helped me up. "Here comes our bus."
I kind of like, holding her hand. It's safer for me, because it's like a sign that says [Not Gay.]
"Wow," doesn't help her problem, "You like robbin' the cradle, little lady?" He sat right down.
"He's my age," she lied, but she told me. She has to lie to men. Not a guy, not even a teenager, he was even kind of old.
"Well, wouldn't you rather have a real man?"
"Huh!" Sometimes she has to think about it. When it's not one she hasn't heard a million times before. "Like you?" she laughed. And put my hand on her leg. "I have one, that can still get it up."
"Fucking slut," I don't mind, if it gets rid of him. And she let me move my hand when he went back to the front of the bus.
"See?" We been 'going out' for like a week, and it's kind of convenient we both take the same bus. Or we can, I stopped riding the schoolbus, because at least they're strangers, and there's cameras. It's not even that expensive with student passes.
"Yeah," I was lucky to have such a good friend, "You're smart."
"Tell that to my teachers."
"Well," I'd actually thought about it, "It's not like, Intelligence, there's all kinds of smarts. Like you told me, you been, well showing." That's what she calls it, "For well 3 years now." She nodded, said it was even worse being the Only girl in 6th grade with real boobs. Since that's the oldest grade in Elementary, that's the sex object for the entire school! "So," I shrugged, "It's more like experience than raw intelligence."
Oh yeah, and I skipped a couple grades, why I'm in middle school, when I'm not even 10 yet.
"Yeah," she kissed my head. I looked around for the guy, there's always a guy, but I think that was just for me. I don't mind, she's more like a big sister then a girlfriend, really. It's just rumors that we're already doing it, so nobody thinks I'm gay, and a lot of the guys backed off, a little. Now, she's the school "Slut," you know, because they have to call her something.
White Knight {mBb NS Bull Homo/Bi}
"Out of my way, Shrimp!" He pushed him over.
So, "Bully!"
"Uh!" He fell down, and dropped his tray, but ran off. I moved over in the lunch line.
"Uh," he looked up, then away. From my chest, so I relaxed, grinned.
"Wendel, right?" Most of the other guys call him Wendy.
"Uh, why'd you do that?" He looked, down the line.
I shrugged, "I don't like bullys. And besides, I like you," he looked up, and his face was so red! "You're cool. He's probably just jealous cause you have a girlfriend."
"Yeah," he looked at his tray, turned around, and walked out.
"Just 1 milk, James."
"He forgot to grab one," he doesn't like the chocolate milk, he always gets the red ones. "For him."
"All right," she carried the pan of mashed potatoes back.
"Hey Wendel," I caught up, "Wait up!"
"Uh," he looked back.
"You forgot your milk," I set it on his tray. "Come on," He squirmed under my arm, "Mind if I sit with you?"
"Huhuh!" he nodded, but smiled up at me.
"Come on," I looked over the tables, "There's an empty one in the corner." My friends looked at me like I'm insane, I grinned and waved.
Thomas came back, with the assistant principle. "Jamie, this boys says you pushed him in line."
"Yeah, because he was picking on Wendel here," I reached over, and squeezed his shoulder. "Ask the lunch ladies, they saw the whole thing."
He didn't say anything, didn't have to, I wolfed the rest of my lunch, and chugged my chocolate milk quick, in case I had to go to the office.
"Catch you later, man." when they came out, I went to dump it by the dish washer window.
"Come along, Jamie." We stopped by the corner on the way out.
So, he could push Tommy forward by the shoulders, and make him say "Sorry."
"James," when we got out to the hall.
"Now James, you've been good this year, but."
"Look, mister Brown. I decided that as the biggest guy in school, it's my responsabilty to stop bullying. You know," I thought about it, "I'm not a bully, I never had a single report about it, since I've been here, and if you ask the kids, they'll tell you the same. But I saw it, and I don't like it."
"Yes, well you made a mess of the whole lunch line."
"Hh, he fumbled his tray. Tell you what, I'll even go help him clean it up, but punishing me for setting a good example sets a bad example. Everyone saw it, and that sends a clear message that you tolerate bullies, but don't stand up to it." Got to speak their language, and I learned something spending so much time in the office.
"Go clean up your mess," he tried to salvage some of his authority.
"Yes sir." Respectfully, I jogged back.
"And no running in the halls!" I saluted, and grinned. Didn't even think about me skipping class for 7th grade lunch.
I got there just in time to roll the mop bucket to the end of the line, and lift it over the milks. "Hrh!"
"That's a sanitary violation."
"Nh! Whl, you wnt meh do do it aghn, or you gonna take this?" It's heavy.
"Just so you know," It took both lunch ladies other than the one on this side to set it down.
"Whew!" I shook my arms, "Won't happen again."
"What was that all about?" Judy met me at the door.
"Go back to your petty," I waved, "Middleschool bullshit, Judy." I looked back, "The line's catching up, and I'm blocking the door."
Wendel waited, back at our table. So, I took his empty tray for it.
"Uh," he's shy, "Why, did you do all that?"
Out in the hall, "I told you," I hugged his shoulders, "I like you, you're cool."
He nodded, "Uh, really?"
"Yeah, you're smart," graduated grade school at 9, "And Gwen likes you." Everyone calls her Winny, she hates it.
"So, he sighed, "That's what it's about." Shook his head.
"No," I stopped, turned his head. "I'm serious," right in his eyes, "I like you." I nodded. The look on his face made it all worthwhile. "Look, Gwen is very mature," I kept walking, "For a middleschool girl, but I'm 16. I should be a sophomore, but I've been at this school for 4 years. Failed 7th, and 8th. Like I said, you're smart, and I really need to get my grades up, but I also understand what you're going through. I was a 7th grader once, just like you," well, I was 11, "And that's why I fucking Hate bullies. All right?" He nodded. "So, I decided as long as I'm here for yet another year, I might as well make it a little easier on you."
He sighed, "Oh." And bought it.
"Now," I pushed the door by the gym, and held it for him. "I'm sure your girlfriend can't wait to see you."
"Oh," he looked back, "Oh yeah." He was still nodding when I let the door close.
The truth is, I know. Not just what it's like being bullied, but I saw the way he looks at me, and doesn't look at his Girlfriend. They might have the rest of the school fooled, but it's not like I'm really a middleschooler. They're all virgins, all of them, I'd bet. They talk about it, but really don't have the slightest clue what they're talking about. I know, he's got the hots for me, and you know what? I kind of like it.
The truth was, I really don't like middle school girls, at all. And, he's kind of cute!
{Yeah, author here. Don't get your hopes up. Spoiler: He's a Pedorasto-curious compensating Narcissist. Sorry.}
Gawaina {Gb NS}
We met at the usual spot. I worried about him, the only reason I could think him being late were getting beat up, and having to see the nurse, but then I relaxed. I've never seen him look so happy and excited in my whole life! "What is it?"
"He likes me!" He started jumping up and down?
"Who?"
"James!"
"Oh god." It took me a minute to realize what that knot in my stomach was. I skip lunch, knowing exactly where every calorie would go, not to mention all the horn-dogs following me around, And all the girls judging me. "All right, calm down. Now, tell me what makes you say that?"
"He said it!" still nodding, "Like, twice, maybe 3 times." and grinning like an idiot.
"Huh!" I rolled my eyes.
"OMG," he covered his mouth, "You're jealous!"
"No," I looked away, "I'm not? Huh, you know I don't even like him."
"No!" he wined. "Not him, me!"
"Look, you're a cute kid, and all, but don't let this puppydog crush go to your head."
"Uh!" Oh, he looked so hurt. "You know, you can be a real Bitch sometimes!" And before I could stop him, he ran off.
"Nh?" well, "Uhuhmhmhmh!" That took care of my cry for today. It always hurt the worst when it's totally wrong, like they said I tried cutting for attention. But, I found out it hurts a lot worse, when he's absolutely right, and I let that drive away my one and only friend. Well, go ahead and cry, I earned it this time. "Snh!" It's not like I ever told him, but I thought it. It sure is too bad he's gay. I liked him, I really liked him! And now, I thought I lost him forever. Because I got jealous, and worst of all losing him to James, of all people. "SNH!"
But for once, "Huh!" It made me feel a little better. "Uh, I haven't had a good cry like that." Since I met him. "Hm!" His problems, ironically made mine feel so small in comparison. I could worry about him, hiding his secret, and having a supposed boyfriend really helped with all the guys too. but. "HuhHhHhH!" I hugged my knees. Rocked a little. "Snh!" Just put my head down, in the corner. Our corner, just like I found him, that first day we met.
Wendel {mbG NS}
"You have a car?"
"Well," he shrugged, "My dad let me use it." He looked. I don't know, I have no idea what that look ment, but I only saw it a second, and from the side. And, I barely know him. And so modest, but I bet he's the only kid in school that drives! "Can't park on campus, though. Get in." I hopped in happily.
"Just let me make the block," he pulled up, at the bus stop. "Hey Gwen, want a ride?" She was still sulking. She rolled her eyes, but looked both ways before she got in back.
"Well," she looked back, "Better go before the bus gets here?" She was right, it was right behind us. It pulled up, and let some parents off, looked like. "So Jamie," he hates that. "Wendel here says you like him." My heart lept when he nodded. "Isn't that kinda gay?"
"Winny!" She glared back.
"Hahaha!" He laughed, "Look, I know you don't like me, but no. I'm not gay." My heart sank. "I'm bi."
"Bisexual?"
He nodded, laughed, "Trust me, it's not any easier than being gay, or. If you don't mind me asking." he turned back, still at the light. "Are you black?"
She shrugged, "Half."
"That explains it," he turned back.
"What?"
"Huh, well, a lot of things. Like Gawaina, not a common name, but you're named after your dad?" Family tradition. "And now I can understand why you're so unpopular, a little better."
"Isat right?"
"Well, it's kind of like being bi. Look, the straight guys, you know about, but having high school friends, I learned that it's just as bad with the gays. Especially the lesbians, they think we're undecided, or just want to fit in. So, I guess it's kind of the same with the mixed race kids. You're not white, so you get racism from them, but you're white enough to pass, so the blacks resent you for it."
"Huh!" She shook her head, but I was already sideways on the seat to watch the conversation. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Of course," he nodded, "It's not the same thing, but I can sympathize. I feel for you, I really do, because it seems like you're the biggest target in school. Every boy wants to get in your pants, or at least your shirt, every girl is jealous, you can't sit with the white kids, the black kids, and now that me and Dell, you mind if I call you dell?"
"No," not at all.
"Well, I don't want you to feel like I'm taking away your only friend."
"Well," she looked down, and tried not to frown too much, "Huh, I appreciate that." That was hard, but she could always admit when she's wrong.
"And if you guys want to keep going out, I totally understand, but if you don't mind me asking. Are you gay at all too?"
"I don't, huh," she shook her head, "what makes you say that?"
"Well," he shrugged, "I can tell you're not really interested in guys."
"Look, just because I don't think you're the hottest thing since sliced bread doesn't make me a man hating lesbian."
"Well," I nodded, "You do, kind of hate guys."
"Just because they think. I'm, a pair of boobs on legs!"
"Well," He laughed, "Not all guys. I was just wondering, because if you were a little curious, I know a girl I could set you up with."
"Oh," she crossed her arms, and pouted, but thought about it.
"And you do, kind of dress a little like a lesbian."
"Oh," I shook my head, "That's just to cover up her boobs."
"Oh," he shrugged, "Never mind then."
Gwen {G mono.}
"Huh!" I should have let him drop me off first, but for some reason I didn't want to leave him alone with him. I still don't trust him, and need I point out he's 6 years older, Wendel is still a lovestruck little boy, and "Yeah," maybe I'm still a little jealous. But. They had to work on homework, and like it or not, he really needed a lot of help with that. I'm sure it hurt to admit it, as much as it hurts to admit when he's right, but I don't really come off like, a man hating lesbian, do I?
So, I left them at the kitchen table, and went to wash the sweat off my face, at least. And pull the wet curls out in the hand-towel, which left me right in front of the mirror. Which only reminded me of what he said about being bi, or mixed race. He's right, my dad always called me light skinned, and after a couple years of everyone focusing on my chest, I just kind of forgot about all the other stuff, the kids used to say. Black and white, even some of the Mexicans, but I found a pretty tough comb and brushed my hair out, so at least it didn't look like, you know. Not as short, and gay.
"Huh!" Yeah, I guess I didn't notice that I was starting to look a little dykeish too, because they say that to everyone. At school, if you're a boy, they call you fag, they even called James fag, and. He's so. Well, he's bi, I guess, but still, that's not like gay, is it? Huh! Well? All right, and I guess I hated myself so long I started hating everyone, and the ironic thing is the last person I really liked before I convinced myself I was starting to fall in love with my gay best friend was him. Last year in social studies, when they hadn't even really started looking at my chest the whole time, but he seemed interested, then he lost interest, so I cried heartbroken a couple days, and "Damn it, nobody's ever going to like you, if I hate myself, and everyone else!" I wanted to reach through the mirror and give myself a good shake, so I grabbed the sink instead. "Stop it!" I nodded hard.
"Oh god." I stopped at the kitchen door, and they looked up. Away from eachother. "Nothing," I shook my head, and threw myself down on the couch. "So, those 2 are out," I giggled a little, and that felt good. "Huhn!" Okay, so boys are scary, but, you know? I never really gave it any thought. It's distracting, constantly on the lookout for guys, and I never really gave myself a chance.
"Gwen?" Okay, I really like being called Gwen now. "Are you okay?"
"I'm just confused," I shook my head in my hands. "So, huh!" I didn't look up, "Tell me about this friend of your's."
James {FmG NS. mb groo.
Leitmotif Reprise: Elvis Costello - Miss MacBeth (Spike: The Beloved Entertainer.}
"Huh," I shook my head, "Sorry, she's not my friend, but my sister." Shit, "Uh, she probably, knows someone?"
"She got a lot of lesbian friends?" She looks up.
"Well," I look away, "She's a, Senior." I nodded, realizing maybe a little too late that she'd probably be pissed if I outed her. "Look," I sat down, "Maybe I layed it on a little too thick in the car."
She looked up, blinked. "What?" She looked down, self conscious.
"I'm sorry," I looked away, "Maybe this was a bad idea." On second thought. Stupid, James.
"What is it?"
"Jamie?"
"Fuck!" She's here!
"You blocked the driveway aGain!"
"Sorry!" I got up to move it real quick. Bad enough I was talking about her behind her back, but I guess I was so excited, having them over, I guess I didn't think. Thank god by the time I pulled her car in behind me, from the curb, it looked like they were getting it along okay. At least she didn't let slip, that I almost outed her. I just wasn't thinking, and she's. She's hard to talk to, okay? I didn't mean to gaslight her like that, she was just so defensive, and aggressive in the car, I had to think of something to say.
"Here's your keys." She clipped them back on her hip. Not that she's closeted, or anything.
"So," Gwen smiled back to Stella, "What were you saying about your, 'Idiot brother'?" She looked up at me from the couch, "I can only assume she ment you."
I nodded, "Well," that's just what she calls me, "It's not like we have another brother."
"Well, I know he's a bit immature, being stuck in Jr. high..." I went back to the kitchen to see how
Wendel was just finishing up his homework, but just the way he looked at me made me feel a lot better. "Come on," I grabbed his books, "I'll take you guys home."
"Ahahahaha!" my sister laughed, "Yeah, guys suck."
I stopped, "Uh."
"What is it, Jamie?"
"Can you let me out? I got to take the kids home." Should have pulled her car in first, but I was in such a hurry. Stupid, Jamie.
"Hey!"
"Sorry, Gwen." Thank god, she just handed me her keys. It took a little while to pull out, park at the curb, and pull back in.
"Shotgun!" she got in front.
"Thanks for having us over James."
"You're welcome," and so polite! "Wendel."
"I see what you mean about your sister."
"What about her?"
"She's a bit of a," She just let it hang there.
"Butch?" I nodded.
"Well," she laughed, "Not the word I was looking for," grinned, "But close. I can tell you one thing, I may not know my type, but that sure aint it."
Well good, at least she opened up. "What?" then the old Winnie came back out. I was just thinking she had a pretty smile, I just know better. 'You know you'd look so much prettier if you smiled more.' Stella told me about micro-agressions, and you know. The way she looks?
"Uh, what'd you guys talk about?"
"You mostly, her 'idiot brother'." I hung my head, "Oh, it's okay. Huh! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but it really helped."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Wendel nodded in the rearview. "Now I see why you hate bullies so much."
"She just gives me a hard time." I shrugged.
I dropped him off first, it was on the way. "Hey," she turned back, holding the car door. "You want to come in, meet the family?" She chucked her head at the apartments.
"Yeah," no hurry to get back, "Let me find a place to park."
Jamie {Gdom Fond Frot 1st. If I hadn't foreshadowed enough.}
"Mom!" her face got real dark. When she called me her 'boyfriend!' "Uh!"
"Wow," I laughed, back at her room. "She's, really white!" Like, albino? I think that's what it's called.
"And petite," she nodded, "Can you hang on a second?" I nodded, looked around the room. "Wuh!"
"You all right?"
"Yeah," she came back, buttoning up her shirt. "Just had to get that off." She pulled out her drawer, and tucked her bra, folded up in top. I looked away, my face felt really hot. "Hh, it's okay. I really had a great time. I'm so sorry I was such a bitch to you before."
"Why?"
"I didn't know, what your sister was like," she sat down on the bed.
"She's not a, really like that. She just likes to embarrass me in front of my friends."
"No," she pulled on my chin. "She really bullies you. Trust me, I can tell. Of all people I know what that's like. And now that I think about it." That's like her three favorite words. Or sometimes 'if you think about it;' "Huh! Look, I didn't give you a chance. And I'm sorry."
"Okay." I nodded. I sure didn't expect her to kiss me!
"Huh?" I pushed her back, but she felt weird a second before I realized.
"Hey!" she smacked me.
"I'm sorry."
"Huh, huh huh!" she looked real mad, but then she put my hands on her shoulders. "Well," she nodded, "Good." Then kissed me some more. "Snhhh!" She rubbed my shirt some more, and giggled.
"What?"
"Wendel," she rubbed it some more, she bit her lips, "He says you got 'man boobs'."
"Really?" I laughed too.
"Uhm," I looked down.
"Huh!" she rolled her eyes, "Try to be more gentle."
"Uh huh?" I just closed my eyes.
"Huh!" She sighed, I could feel it. "They're glands you know?" I nodded. "Like your balls."
"Oh," I looked down. "I'm sorry."
"Huh," she bit her lip.
"Hm?"
"Could you, rub my chest some more?"
"Yeah," she pushed me down, and pulled my shirt out.
"Like this?" She felt my , well man boobs again.
"Yeah," I closed my eyes. "That feels nice." I never thought, that feels nice for guys too.
"Huh!" She took another breath through her nose, "Snhhh, yeah, it does. You can touch mine a little more, too."
"Okay," honestly, they got a little too big, like last year. In social studies, I kind of had a little crush on her, but it wasn't because of that. Then she sat on me, she had pants on too, but we didn't take them off, or anything. He just, kind of, rode me?
"Mmh," I looked at her, but she had her eyes closed. "Yeah!" She had the most beautiful look on her face. Then I couldn't keep my eyes open.
"Uh?"
"Uh," she looked, disappointed? She got off of me. "Thanks for the ride," she shrugged, and got up on tiptoes to kiss me. "See you tomorrow, James." I nodded, but I hurried home. To change my underwear.
Gawaina {G solo fond fant. Yes, I'm intentionally going slow. Remember, they're in middle school? And he's extremely immature.}
So, I talked to his sister, a little. Enough for her to brag, he's really a lot like her in that respect, but she told me she's a "Top." You know, she does the fucking? Turns out she's 18, and you can get sex toys at the porn stores too. What do I know about sex toys, or porn, or. Well sex, really? But she said he's a "Bottom." Well, "Like my idiot brother's a total bottom."
"Huh!" So, after dinner, I went to bed, and, you know. I thought about it? The main thing is the idea that guys don't have to be the top, and girls the bottom. Not that, I thought about that, before we fooled around a little. In my room, right here on my bed, but. "Hhhh!" He really does have a great chest. I guess I just had to have Wendel point it out to me, but it's so wide, and flat, and "Hhh!" His hands on me weren't, too bad, after he bumped them too hard. And that hurt, a little. But now that I'm alone, and the lights are off, I can take my nightshirt off, and lay back, and. Just. I never really touched them before, I mean I knew they're hot, for wearing them around, in a bra, and an undershirt, and a shirt to cover them up, but even now. At night, with the AC, and half naked in bed. They felt really really hot!
"Mhhhh! Yeah!" No idea what to do with them, really, but it didn't seem to matter. I mean, I guess I had some idea, from the way he squose them, gently once I told him, but. "Sorry." He kept saying that, "Sorry," and he's really pretty cute once he wiped that arrogant grin off his face. "Yeah!" That's really all he needs, is a girl, to take charge, and wipe that conceited grin off his face. Then he. Well, I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. "Hihihmhmhm!" Cover my mouth, but god even laughing, with them in my hands. It's too bad my arms are backwards, so I can't really squeeze them the way he did, but if I pick them up, on the sides and squeeze them together. "Mh!" Yeah, just rub them together, like this, "Yeah."
But he got off, and that was so selfish. So, I guess I better figure this out, some time. "Mhm?" Get up on my hip to push my shorts, and underwear off it, then turn up on the other hip. How hard can it be? "Hihm!" I bit that one off quick. It felt, pretty hard! Thought. I don't know about big, but big enough to feel, through the fly of his jeans, and the seam in mine, and my underwear, and, forget it. None of that in the way now, just the hair in front, and "oohmmm!" Hang on, maybe I'll just put the pillow over my mouth. So I don't make too much noise, or at least I can giggle. You know, if it tickles any.
Nope! That doesn't tickle. That doesn't tickle at all, but, "HmhmhmHM!" I giggle anyway. Nope, definitely not gay. I didn't get off, I don't think. But I fell asleep, and felt, satisfied? I don't know, I think. I sure dreamed about it a lot. About him, and how his big firm wide flat muscular chest felt under my fingers. And his, gently squeezing my aching breasts. I can't tell you, what a relief it is just to get that damned bra off, but I guess it's like a massage? I don't know, not like I ever got a massage, but that definitely felt a lot better, and I think I'll definitely start doing that from now on, when I get home, if I can't make him do it.
"Mh?" I looked at the clock. "Mmh!" I can't remember the last time I slept that good. Or, naked. But, I guess I have a few minutes, before I have to get up. Put it all on, and do it all over again. "Yeah," I turn over, on my back, and feel down my neck. It already feels so warm, and I wish I had lips on my fingers, "Hihihm!" No, that doesn't tickle, but it wouldn't hurt to get a little massage in, before I have to put it on. "Hhhn, yeah." I think I'll make him kiss my neck today.
{At this point, it is almost pure fantasy, in that I'm fictionalizing some of my experiences, but also making major changed in name, race, sex, age, and so forth. However, this is Idealized, a lot, and kind of bounces back and forth between abuse/therapy.}
James {Gdom Impa Ther}
"Hh," I met her at the busses, and she led me off to Her corner. Where she used to go, to cry. "I talked to my sister," after getting the first public kiss out of the way.
"Oh yeah? You call her on her bullying you?"
I shook my head, "I know what it looked like, but I need discipline," I held up my hand, "Now hear me out. Huh! This is hard enough, but it's important. I've been under a lot of pressure lately, you know, because of my grades? Well, if I don't graduate this year, I'll basically be a middle-school dropout. I'm probably gonna have to get my GED as it is, but I." Collect my thoughts.
"Go on."
"It's hard to explain, but I focus too much. On that, feeling like a loser, and that's what makes me act out, but it distracts me from the schoolwork, and makes it hard to remember the lessons."
"Okay," she nodded, "So it's like my grades went down when I started showing."
"Yeah, so what I've been doing is Incentive, that's why Izzy used to call me her 'Idiot brother,' it actually helped with my homework, but we decided, together, that maybe it's time to try something else."
And the bell rang. "Gotta go."
"Okay, but." I grabbed her hand. "Huh, remember when you, slapped me last week?" She turned back nodding. "You think you could slap me again, not as hard, but just to snap me out of it?" I knew, just this conversation would be hard, but! "Uhn!"
I nodded. "Huh!" She giggled, "Was that okay?"
"Yeah, now get the oth huh!" I closed my eyes. "I need to get to class."
"Me too," she kissed me quick, "Good luck!"
Gwen {G Mono Poet. MG Ther. Okay, attempted therapy.}
[Pain
It hurts of course,
but it can also help.
It's strange but true,
when your scared,
Or sometimes blue.
I have to feel something.
And sometimes nothing else will do.
Pain is normal.
We don't have to like it,
But sometimes
we might even need it.]
"Gwen?" Uh oh. "You know, I can't let you read this in front of the class."
I nodded, looked back, but she kept her voice down. Then, "Why not?"
"Here," she handed me a slip, "I think you better talk to the councilor, I think she would be better able to explain it."
"You think?" It was an excuse to get out of class.
[Self destructive behavior.]
"Uh!" I tried it 1 time, and now everyone thinks I'm a cutter!?
"Yes?" he let me right in.
"Uh," I handed him the slip.
"I've been waiting for you to see me, but I don't believe pressuring students help you open up."
I shrugged, sat down, nodded.
"Now, I heard about you, cutting."
"I'm not Cutting!" God!
"Try to relax. Get comfortable."
"You have something like a comfortable chair?" I looked around, cinderblock walls, and posters. [ADD], [Eating Disorders], and [Signs of Suicidal Thoughts.]
"Huh! I'm not, suicidal. If that's what you think." He glanced up at the poster.
"Now, I heard about your incident, in the Lavatory."
"I tried it once."
"What's this?" He glanced over the looseleaf I have no idea why I brought.
"A poem."
"The poem?"
"If you mean the reason I was sent to the office," I shrugged, "Then, yeah."
"You're not in trouble, Winny."
"Gwen."
"Do you prefer Gwen?" Duh? I just told him! "All right, Gwen. Would you mind if I read it?"
"Yeah," I folded it, "Actually, I wrote it for me, and it's private."
"Then why did you write it in class?" He looked over something on his desk, "Creative writing?" I nodded, turned out to be the schedule. Her name right there on the slip.
I shrugged, "I just had somethings to think about, I was going to write another one to turn in, but she just came and collected all of them. Oh, and it wasn't finished." I really need to work on it. Not like, I can just write a poem, on demand. Why I'm taking that class, but it's not really that creative, either. If you ask me, I should be able to write about whatever, whenever I want. That's art, this, is just schoolwork."
"Mmh?" When did I start saying that out loud? "Good, now I know it takes a while to build trust, but hopefully when it's finished, you will trust me enough to share it with me?"
"Iaknow," anything's possible, "I guess."
"Good," I shook my head, that wasn't a yes? "Now,"
"With all do respect, I don't know you. Man. So, that's like asking me to trust a stranger." I thought, "So, you mind answering some questions too?"
"I'm an open book," he sat back and spread his hands. "Well, huh! Gimme a minute. Is that chair any more comfortable?" This one felt like it was designed to torture someone.
"Go right ahead," he rolled it out. "You mind if I stand?"
"Huh!" while he was walking back, I reached behind me, and released the strap. "Huh!" I wished I could massage them a little too, but instead, I just buttoned up my shirt while my back was turned. "Where you from?" He has an accent.
"Santa Fe, New Mexico." He turned back nodded. Snorted to himself.
"What?"
"I like to call it, Fanta Se. It's a different state of mind." He winked.
"Oh," I looked away, "Kay?"
"I'm sorry, if that made you uncomfortable." I was already hugging my chest. I had a skirt on, so I couldn't put my legs up.
So, "You mind if I turn around?"
"Not at all?"
"Yeah," I nodded, "That made me uncomfortable."
"Why?"
"I don't like, men looking at me. And that was, well it felt, kinda a little flirty?"
"I'm sorry. I truly am very sorry, I was just trying to put you at ease."
"Well don't," you suck at it.
"I know this is a tough question, but I have to know to avoid any potential triggers."
"What?" I looked back. "What do you mean triggers?"
"Huh!" he sat down, leaning over the back of the chair. "Victims of sexual abuse, we tend to flash back."
"So you were." I grinned, but he didn't see it.
"Yes, but we need to focus on you right now. So, when something flashes you back, to a traumatic experience, we call that a trigger. We also say that you were, or are triggered."
"Is that why you got into this?"
"Yes. However."
"Give and take, you said we're building trust?"
"Yes, but."
"Well, I need to know what kind of man I'm sitting alone with, in a cinderblock office."
"Would you feel more comfortable with a female therapist? I can give you a referral, or you can come back thursday, when mrs."
"Okay, but can you take care of me right now?"
"Yes, however. You also need to understand boundries, and I can't really talk too much about my abuse, because I'm already feeling a little triggered."
I nodded. "So, change of subject?"
"Yes, and I will point out that you avoided the question, twice, and just pushed a button to turn it around."
"So," I had to think is all, "No, I wasn't sexually assaulted, if that's what you mean. The problem is I seem to get harassed, every day, and it's starting to distract me from my schoolwork."
"Well, I'd have to have records pull your grades, but when did this begin?"
"Puberty? I started in 6th grade, but. Huh!" I shrugged, "I'm not sure when it started becoming a problem, because they didn't just, Boob out, all at once."
"So, you're talking about your bust."
"Yeah, and please don't talk about it, or look at them. It makes me very uncomfortable. Not like you did, and thanks for that." I'm starting to notice when guys don't, and that seems to help me not feel so paranoid, that everyone with balls is constantly staring at me, and following me, and "HhHhH!" I held my legs.
"Gwen?" I nodded. "Did you just have an anxiety attack?" I tried to let go of my knees, and not imaging the door looking right under my skirt at my underwear. I nodded.
"I think I just triggered, myself?"
"Good, all right now, it's not important that I know what thoughts might have led to the panic attack. But you have to aknowlege them, so you can hopefully break the cycle."
I nodded, "I was just remembering, like all the guys, that looked at me, or tried to talk to me."
"Okay, well I'm going to go. But you wouldn't mind if I schedule an appointment with the regular councilor when she gets back from her time off?"
"Yeah," I didn't think it was going to be a man.
"Is that yes you would mind?"
"No, huh! I think that would actually be a good idea."
"Good, now if you need to be alone, you can use the office as long as you like." I put my legs down, and turned to watch him lock up the cabinets, and the desk.
"Uh," I noticed, "Why do you wear your keys on the side like that?"
He straightened out. "It means. Well, I'm not sure you're prepared to understand this, but it symbolizes Bondage."
"So, you like to tye people up?"
"No." he shook his head.
"I met someone, who wore her keys like that."
"On this side?" I shook my head. "Well, you might want to avoid them. It means she likes to tye people up."
"So you like being tied up?"
"No, it's not a question of liking it. For me, everyone is different, but it helps me deal with the stress, and." His hands shook. "The problems I have to deal with. At work."
"Like mrs Evans has to go on her vacations."
"Yes."
"Mr. Mayer, I think. You might be better for me than mrs Evans."
"Why is that?"
"Because of that." I pointed at his hip. "Um, do you know what it means, when someone," I looked away, "Needs to be slapped, to concentrate?"
He sat on the corner of the desk, and nodded. "Well, it could mean a lot of things, but if you think it would be appropriate, the best person to ask would be them."
"Um," I felt much better really, "I don't know what most of this stuff is called, but could you stop and talk a little more?"
"All right," he rubbed his wrists, and took his watch off. "Huh! What about?"
"Cutting."
"You know that's very dangerous."
"Well," I rolled my eyes, "I only did it once, but. I don't really understand Why I did it."
"No one ever really does." he shook his head, "It's a compulsive behavior, but how did you feel when you did?"
"Scared?" I thought, "Well, that girl came in, and busted me right after, and it doesn't help that she went ahead and did what I was afraid of."
"Told the whole school." He nodded, "You don't, feel." He shook his head, "I'm sorry, but doesn't that bother you," frowning, "At all?"
I shrugged, "People talk, all the time, mostly about me."
"Okay, well I have to say I'm picking up on a little paranoia."
"Doesn't mean it's not true, someone told you?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, then they all talk about me. I hate it, but I'm serious. If it's not one thing it's two, but she's coming back on thursday?"
"No, you're right." He sighed, "I have actually heard a lot about you."
"What?"
"That's confidential."
"Look, I don't know what to think, so if there's any way you."
"Well, I can paint with broad strokes, If I don't mention anyone by name, so don't ask. But there is no consensus. Some of them say you're a slut, or a tease. Some of them called you a child molestor, which I couldn't believe, and others that you're dating high school boys. All of them conflict with one another, because honestly, I don't think anyone really knows you here."
I nodded. Good, but I didn't say it. "Huh! There may be one or 2, but you understand, I can't name names."
"Well, since you say two, one of the only things they seem to agree on are James, and Wendel." I rolled my eyes. "I have to ask, by legal responsibility, because they're the youngest, and oldest students here. You're not sexually active, with either of them?"
"Uh!" I rolled my eyes, "I'm not, 'sexually active' at all. I can't even masturbate," and get off on it. "I'm just. I don't know, thinking about it? Not sex, I'm not even 14 yet, but dating, and yes, kissing. Holding hands, that's about it."
"I know we haven't built up enough trust yet, but I know you're holding something back."
"All right, well?" I look away, "Can I turn around again?"
"Yes."
"All right. Well, we tried. A little, feeling. Through our clothes, I never saw either of them naked, but I let one of them touch my boobs." I turned back, "That's it, once, and it only happened once."
"Good, that's fine. You're actually not that far ahead of normal age appropriate curiosity, but can you promise me, to try not to go too fast?"
"Oh, definitely. It's actually really scary, but. Huh! I think, I'm starting to feel, less uncomfortable? About guys, so I really needed that."
"And you stopped cutting."
I looked him in the eyes. "I swear," nodded, "I only tried it once, and besides, it didn't work."
"Good, so do you need some time?"
"Nope," I hopped up, "I think I'm good." And let myself out. I went right to the lavatory though. Looked at the clock, but there was a bell recently, so I really had, well almost half an hour before lunch. To think, but right in the door I took my shirts, and loose bra off as soon as it was locked.
Bondage. I heard of it, but never really thought about it. "Huh!" Well, I guess I kind of have some idea of what that's like. The lines from my bra straps already popped back out, so I couldn't feel them any more, but. "Huhh!" I was so hot I could see it. In the mirror, tilted down for the handcapt, and oh look. There's bars around the toilet! For handrails, I guess, not like I ever watched someone in a wheelchair peeing, but I had some idea.
I remembered, he took off his watch, and rubbed his wrists. When we talked about Bondage.
"Hhuh!" I bit my lip. "Hm!" Bondage. "Yeah." I nodded. So, I picked up my bra, and I tried that. Just pulled it around the bar, and twisted the straps around my wrists, but I didn't really feel. Well, any, hornier? I really don't know the words, but I looked back, and caught myself in the mirror.
"Hm!" I nodded. It definitely looked good, but I had to kind of twist, and turn to get my boobs, or I guess the other boob in the picture.
"Yeah." I nodded. "That," I shrugged, and put it back on. Then my undershirt, and then.
"No," I shook my head. The boys shirt doesn't work, they look at them anyway, and it makes me look like a dyke. I picked out my curls, and tied most of them back, but left a few around my eyes. Blinked and grinned, turning this way and that. "Hm!" I nodded. Wish there was a clock in here, or I had a watch. There cheap, so I'll just get one. But, the bell rang, so I went to lunch.
"Take a picture," I gave him the finger, after looking around for faculty, "It'll last longer." I just tyed the shirt on over my skirt. Fuck it, they're gonna look. They're my boobs, I might as well start getting used to them.
"Jamie" {Gdom Humi B&D Maso. NS.}
I skipped homeroom for lunch. Since I'm a 'distraction' when I'm not occupied catching up on my classwork, this was agreed apon, but the faculty. A couple years ago, if I'm caught up on my work, it's better to have me in the lunchroom, then disrupting the other students in homeroom. And now, it's incentive. If I catch up, then I get to go for a lunch and a half, I couldn't wait for the teacher to check my work, and sign off on the release.
Just the morning slaps did the trick, all morning, though on bad days, I tend to get worse because I don't get this break, then inevitably get detention, which puts off the afternoon scene. Which is negative reinforcement, which works, "Don't do that!" I don't, but I will say that it doesn't work on the vast majority of kids and teens, where positive reinforcement is generally more effective. From what I've heard, just repeating what I've learned from multiple therapists.
"Hey, Jaimie!" She rubbed my shoulder, "Relax."
I tried to. "Hhuh!"
"Rough day?" I nodded. "Good, and you Will tell me about it later."
"Yes, Wayne." Also, gender play. It helps her, feel more in control, and me deal with my authority issues.
"Turn around." I just nodded. "Take off my bra. Don't touch me." I held out her shirt, which just ups the challenge, "Just my bra." I don't pull it down behind her like she does, but then that makes it tighter anyway. It's easier to pinch out the fabric, between the straps, and get my thumbtips under the tabs on the end? I don't know, the thick inch or so of material between the ends of the straps, so I can fold them together, and unhook the loops. "Huh!"
This is bondage for her. She hates it, and as much a releif for her as me getting to see them, bounce free while she pulls her arm in, then the other to slip it off her shoulders. "Huh!" She nodded, already dark under her brown freckles. She's 'light skinned,' but they're very dark brown, looked almost like ache from a distance, if you don't know her, and lead to one of her many nicknames, 'cheetah girl.'
Turns out her mom is Danish. Why she's so pale blonde it's almost white, and she doesn't even freckle, just burns. Black and white. Big and petite, muscular, and slight, her parents were a study in contrast. And love eachother, very much. "Snh!"
"What is it?"
"Huh! We better head home."
"Yeah."
I wanted to talk about it in the car, but I can't. I want to, so much, let it out, but I have to drive, and I'm already triggered.
"What's it about?"
"Huh!" I decided, "Can you ask Izzy about it?" It's just too painful. "It's about, why she takes care of me." Technically my legal guardian, until the emancipation goes through, so she can go to college.
"Why she go by Izzy?" She changed the subject, before I start crying?
"Huh! Thanks. You know it's short for Estella." she nodded, "Elly, she hates Esty, because they called her Itsy, well all kinds of things, but always Itsy something." She's also very petite. "And you don't like calling her Stella?" She shook her head. "Why not?"
"Too girly?" Okay, she's really rather Butch.
"Yeah," I manage to laugh, "She's kind of using it as a joke. She was Izzy for years, but now that she's out. It's kind of a way to be, not a complete and total butch? I don't know, it's." Napoleanna complex? "You'd probably have to ask her that too, but she can explain it better."
"Well, it explains the Star tattoos."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah?" She made her Duh face, "It's Greek* for Star?" {*Yes, I know, Latin. Middle school?} "Hhh!" I glanced over, at her bra wrapped tight around her hands, and wrists.
"How was your day?"
She closed her eyes, "Boys," shook her head. She doesn't have to talk about it, I can read them later. "I'm still getting used to, not covering up." On lunch, between classes, she still has to in class because it's 'disruptive.' "Uh! Why am I punished for growing, but there's no penalty for gawking, and staring, and 'Oops!' Bumping into them?"
"Patriarchy?"
"I know, but it Sucks!"
"I know too," why I started turning into a Narcissist to compensate. My friends didn't understand, because they weren't really my friends. They were, like Tick Birds, feeding off my popularity, which I hated as much as the attention she gets, for the wrong reason. "Oh yeah," I nodded, "Epiphany: I just realized that, I was maybe holding myself back. For fear of being a freshman." Again.
"You really had it hard in 7th grade?"
"Yeah, I was a late bloomer." 3 years behind me. Then 2, then 1... "Huh! So, I guess, I kind of, liked being the big Man on campus, and I didn't want to give it up."
"I could have told you that," She nodded, but I rubbed her shoulder. "Hm," until her hands relaxed in her bra.
"Well," she didn't. "Huh! We're almost there. And it sounds like we both really need it today."
Finally. "Fucking!" Her hand across my face, "Man!" Then back across the other cheek. "Huh!" I peeked, "Don't look at me, bend over!"
"Yes, Wayne."
"Bad boy!"
"Uh!" I nodded. "Huh!"
"I Told you to Pay a Tention in Class!"
"I'm sorry!"
"And Stop! a'Pologising!"
"Sorry," I grinned. "UH! Ow?"
"Hhh!" I looked. She picked up her bra, and started twisting it. "HhHhH!" hands shaking.
"Now?" she just closed her eyes, nodding, and turned around.
I massaged them. "Here," I held them up, "In the corner?"
"Mhm?" She tried to nod, but her head just fell. She shivered some more, shaking her head. "Nh, Noh, hHhH!" No one else, can do this. I don't mind, but, "Huh!" I'm a little uncomfortable. Groping her, it's not her tits, because I you know, tits? I like them, but, it's like. Assaulting her, she hates it, but she says it helps. It's like, a nitemare for her. But if I don't, she can't sleep, then she starts having it in class. She went to the office, like last month, for screaming, in class. Covering herself, protectively, but "Huhhuh! Yeah, okay. Nh!" I just let them drop. "Huh huh huh!" She just put her hands up, and panted. Twisting the bra straps tight around her wrists. She gulped, nodded. "The mirror."
I took her hands, turned her around. I didn't have to tell her, to look. She did it, while I held her arms up. Back, behind her head so she had to. "Huh huh huh!" She could close her eyes. but it didn't do much good. With them bouncing, and shaking, it's better to look, then close her eyes, and just feel them. I unbuttoned the shirt, down, and she watched. Frowning, even grimacing, it hurts for me to watch, but then she relaxes. Hih!" Closes her eyes, and just gives up. "Okay?"
She nodded. "Give me a minute, just let go." She put her arms down, squeezed them together, but couldn't cross them. Over/under, to hold them up, and hide them. "Huh!"
"I need a minute too." I nodded, and went in the bathroom. But looking back, she dropped the bra, and spread open her chest too look. Slowly stopped shaking her head, but in the mirror, she nodded to herself, then looked down.
I didn't look, she stood so i couldn't see them, but because i knew, she doesn't want me to look. Even though I just had my hands all over them, through her shirt, I had to releive some of the pressure, so I closed the door.
Non-Therapist. {Mt NS}
"Hey, Karl?" A bit of code, I mentally switched hats. "You think you could give me a ride home?"
"Of course," I got in.
"Still subbing? Substituting."
"Yeah, English while Mrs. Lowrey is out on maternity leave." She made her gross face, but we made similar small-talk until the faculty traffic cleared enough to pull out of school property. "So, what's this about?"
"Epiphany?"
I guessed. "You're gay."
He giggled, "Yeah, I guess." He shrugged, "What was holding me back was. Lesbian phobia?"
"Saphobia." I nodded.
"Yeah," He took off his bracelets, and I checked her wrists when we pulled up to a light. "Ooh," the ligature marks were getting deeper. "Still using the bra?" I held up my hand, "Wait, until we get moving again." She nodded, and set herself.
"Discipline." As much to himself as anyone else.
"Huh!" He relaxed, leaned back. "Buckle up," I did a mirror check, can't be too careful, about even rumors of sexual activity with minors. But it's not sexual, it's about Gender, and I could be brought up on charges if they even found out I was gay.
"Do you think, I'm ready, for sex?"
"What kind of sex?"
"Well, he looked away, "We already tried. Oral."
"What kind of oral?"
"Blowjob?"
"And how did you feel about that?"
"I liked it, I didn't, get off on it, but he really liked it too."
"Most boys do at his age."
"Oh," he shook her head, "No sorry. I mean he gave me one. Then he went to jerk off."
"Oh," assumed again. "Huh! What did you use, as an orthotic?"
"My thumb, um. About that. Huh! know, you can't, buy us porn or, toys. But." He looked up at me, "I really need one. I can ask Starla, but." She's still a bit avoidant, of her. "She's out of town." Avoidance, intimidation, Saphobia.
"You mean, a strap on."
She nodded, "I need a cock."
"Wayne."
"What? That's what it's called, right? I'm 14, I know what a cock is, and. I like the way it sounds."
"I may, be able to offer another option."
"Like what?"
"Well," I've been putting this off, but as she would put it, 'thought about it.' "Would you like to meet my partner?"
"Oh yeah!"
"We're roommates, you understand."
"Definitely. Uh, what's his name?"
"Roland. But the point is, you can ask him anything. Anything you like, without the conflict of interest." I already discussed it with him.
"Cool, how'd you two meet?"
"In elementary school." Well, I happened to be in high school, at the time.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he, no she, I think. Must have seen the look on my face, "I'm seriously, really sorry." At this point in transition, not even started yet, but already decided on total mastectomy, there is no appropriate pronoun. So, you pretty much pick the best one for the sentence it's in.
"Huh!" I took a deep breath, "It's all right. Yes, he abused me the first time. And I abused him too, it was mutually abusive because we had no idea what we're doing. You understand, that back then, it wasn't even talked about. He didn't even know what gay ment, and I, had serious issues with my denial."
"Bad closet."
"Yeah, like locked up in it, with the light off, backed into the corner, and telling myself I'm not gay, over and over." Dirty little faggots. "Huh!" {Yeah, \Parent Directory/bdom.} "But," I shrugged it off, and let the rest of the breath out. "Whew, we worked past it, and now, you can ask him for anything you like." Wait, "Short of sex," not that it would ever happen, but might traumatize both of them.
"Of course, uh. How much does one cost?"
"Depends on the model." Not that, I ever priced such things.
"Well," he checked, "I only got $200.00, and some change."
"I would think that is plenty." Don't bother to ask, where and how. Now that her boyfriend was out of her school, and not coming back on the property, he was working.
Assertive {fdom}
"Skinny little slut."
"Huh!" Turn around, "Oh, Jerry." Shake my head.
"Well," he looks around, "Who the fuck're you?"
"Thought I was the skinny little slut?" I looked around, "Or were you talking about the other skinny little slut?"
"No?" his friends laughed.
"Looks like you pissed her off."
"So, Jerry." I walked up, "If you don't know who I am, how do you know I'm a slut?"
"Well, look what you're wearing."
"I know what I'm wearing," I nodded, "You can tell all that from a dress? So, you must be an expert in fashion, too. It doesn't occur to you that I might like to look pretty? I must want teh sex, you know, dressing like this."
"Yeah?"
"Well, I never had sex, with a boy."
"Well, I'm a man,"
"Hahahaha! Yeah, big brave men, need friends to talk to a girl. You a virgin, Jerry?"
"No?" they laugh.
"Of course not, everyone knows about you, Jerry. All the girls you get with? Why is it girls, instead of women?"
"I'm not,"
"What, a virgin? So you're a slut."
"No?"
"Only girls can be sluts, Jerry? I mean, look what you're driving. Everyone knows you're DTF, so only girls can be sluts, or you're the skinny little slut? Come on, Jerry, it's not a trick question. Are you a manslut, or a virgin?"
"You some kind of social justice warrior?"
"Oh yeah," nod, shake my head, "That must be it. She's a feminazi, not a slut. Because only a feminazi asks questions like, why it's okay for 3 grown men to pick on a girl, and having all the sex you can get doesn't make you a slut."
"Stop saying that!"
"Why, Jerry? Don't you like it, slut? Because obviously that's what us skinny little girls like, being called slut. Is that your secret? How you get so much pussy, your charm, and wit?"
"Leave me alone," he pulls open the door, "Fucking psycho bitch."
"Yeah," hop on the hood, "That must be it. Fucking psycho bitches, asking all these questions you can't answer."
"Get off my car!"
I crossed my legs. "Hahaha! Scared of a skinny little slut," bounce my calf on my knee, "In front of your friends, wait until everyone at school hears about this!"
"I said, get off my car!" He grabbed my arm.
CLKT! "You like bondage, Jerry?"
"Wh?" He looks down.
"They're handcuffs. Jerry. You know, you've seen them before, you know what handcuffs are."
"What the fuck is this?"
"A citizen's arrest, here let me call the cops real quick."
"What for?"
"Sexual harassment, you know the number for 9-11?"
"Wh, what kind of question is that?"
"Well, it's not a trick question, you like Bondage, Jerry?"
"Go ahead and call the cops, you stupid bitch."
"Or you'll do what, gang rape me? Who do you think the cops are going to believe, they already know you have handcuffs. Yeah, this crazy bitch came up to us, and handcuffed me on the hood of my car. So, you want me to call the cops? Where's your friends going?"
"Hey guys, Get Back Here!"
"Well, looks like just the 2 of us, Jerry."
"Where's the keys. stop playing around!"
"At a friend's house. We both know you're the brave one. What's wrong, you only act brave in front of your friends?"
"Who the fuck are you?"
I ran my shoe up his leg, "Well, I don't think I should be answering any personal questions, if you won't. What's wrong, Jerry, this turning you on?"
"No,"
I giggled, "Yeah, you're totally into bondage, well this is starting to turn me on, so what do you say we go find somewhere, to show me what all the fuss is about." Up the inside of his thigh.
"Wha, uh!" he jumped.
"Ooh, they're right! All the sluts you banged, I heard, but you know how girls exaggerate."
"But," he shook his head, "I thought you,"
"Don't think, Jerry." I hopped down, "You suck at it, fuckboy. Why don't we go do, whatever it is you're good at?" I had to climb over the seat, he's right it is a rather short dress. Like I said, I like to look pretty. It's not slutty, it's Empowering, but it's not like they give a choice. "Huh! Well, if you're going to tall all your friends I'm a slut anyway," wrong wrist, though, so I had to sit sideways on the seat, "Could you get the seatbelt for me, Jerry?" His brain shut down, a while ago. Remarkably easy, it takes a lot longer with a strong willed woman, who's not a slave to her impulses.
"Who put you up to this?" I had to follow his hand to the ignition, though.
"You did, Jerry. Huh!" I rolled my eyes, "Honestly, if you don't want this kind of attention from girls, you really shouldn't brag about being such a slut."
"I'm not a slut,"
"Nhihihihihn! Oh, sorry. You must be using a different meaning of that word, because I've never had sex with a man before. Have you, Jerry?"
"No," he looked away.
"Ooh, oh! Is that why you're such a fucktard? You have to prove your masculinity by fucking as many sluts as can stand you, to forget your experiences with men? Were you raped, or just molested?"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Hey! Watch what you're doing!" he got control, of the car.
"Huh!" He gripped the wheel, scared now.
"You almost killed us, both of us. Now, you're going to have to learn to control yourself." He nodded, "It's okay, I'll show you."
Rumors. "Of course I heard about it." Probably flashing back, "I didn't really believe it, thought they're all just jealous of your money, and luck with the ladies." He was good and under now. It's not like hypnosis, it's closer to stage hypnosis, it doesn't take Trust. In fact, it's the skeptics in the audience the Mentalist looks for, there's no way it'll work on me, then Snap! Overload, the brain just shuts down. How faith healers do it too, I sure don't understand it, but you don't have to, to learn it.
"Huh! You don't recognize me, because I'm still in middle-school. Don't worry, I'm 15, I just got held back because I had some bad experiences to deal with. You know what that's like, it's nothing to be ashamed of." I rubbed his leg, "You're bi. Doesn't make you gay, you wouldn't be the first guy that found he had a taste for dick if you get drunk enough. Is that why you understand us sluts so well? Don't worry, I won't tell your friends. They're already too scared of me to talk to me, but you're not like that, are you Jerry?" I pat his leg, "Pull in here." The Home Depot.
"What for?" I take out My keys, unlock my wrist, and lock him to the steering wheel.
"Shopping?" open the door, "Don't go anywhere, or you'll never know why you suck cock whenever you're drunk." Back out, "I'll just tell everyone else." slam it. Check my purse, gonna have to improvise, but I've got surgical tubing, and a small bag of party balloons. So, gonna need some bungees, at least. And a cutter, with the Handcuffs as well, of course.
Jerry {fdom Bond}
"Huh!" well I got out my phone. Look around, in case anyone sees me, and put the cuff down below the level of the dashboard. "Huh?" I'm still hard? I don't know "WHAT THE FUCK!" Just shake the steering wheel. She did to me, she just talked to me, but god damn it, why am I still hard? You think, everyone really heard about it? That party, where I got drunk, "huh!" I don't drink any more, but she's right. I sucked dicks, a lot of them, and I liked it. Why I don't drink any more.
So, maybe she's right, and I'm bi? I don't know, but it's not like, she's got a dick, or nothing. I would have seen it, when she got in the car. For someone who pretends not to be a slut, she sure didn't mind flashing her panties. So, at least she's not going to make me suck her dick. "Huh!" God damn I'm hard, and I can't just whip it out here, in the parking lot, can I? Maybe it's the handcuffs, do I really like bondage?
"Hehn?" God, that was quick, but it wasn't the handcuffs. I wasn't even, planning to jerk off, but. "Huh!" They kind of got in the way, but, just the thought of her, cock. "What the fuck?" I shook my head, and cleaned up before she came back out. I don't even know, what it is about her. She's weird, I guess. Nice rack, and all, but she doesn't act like, any other girl I ever met. So forceful, and dominant. I should hate it, she's a bitch, why do I even like that? But she played me like, some puppet on a string, and I still don't know How the fuck she scared off all my friends, made her drive her over here, and locked me up in my own car.
And I hate the handcuff now. It hurts, but it's driving me nuts. She's driving me crazy, and I'm so scared of what she's going to do to me when she comes back out, I couldn't wait. But, "Huh!" She's right, I liked it so much I just jerked off, in record time thinking about it. I just put my head down, low enough to lick the rest off my fingers, and maybe suck on them a little. "Huh!" What the hell is wrong with me? What did she do to me?
"Huh!" I think I can reach the radio.
{Elvis Costello - This.}
It's not like, I never tried it. She's not the only kinkster in this town. And yeah, it was fun, but, I always thought I was a Dominant. She sure looked good in cuffs, then she calld the cops. Is that what this is all about? She wanted it, she told me to, they were her cuffs, and she held her wrists to the bedframe. She was into it, ask me why she called the cops on me. "Huh!" So that's it, manipulative bitches, they're probably working together, because they hate men.
"Yeah," probably lesbians too. "That's hot," maybe a threesome after this? I'm sure I can talk them into it. So, they want to play games? Fine, I guess it's about time I stepped up mine. High school girls are getting a little old anyway. "No," I didn't man it like that. I mean yeah, she's still in jr high, but she's 15, right? Unless she lied to me about that too? I'm just confused, but, "Huh!" Maybe she's right, it's not like bisexual is gay, right?
Wonder if she's got a strap-on?
{...Let him dangle. ;}
Star {FG NS Gm Snuf Fant}
"Hello?"
"Stella?"
"Who is this?"
"Gawaina?"
It doesn't sound like her at all. "Huh," I told her to stay away from my brother.
"I'm," she can't say it, but she sounds scared, "I, got in a fight with a boy."
"You didn't hurt him?"
"I don't think so. I just left him handcuffed in his car, but. I can't go out there."
"Why not?"
"Because, I'll kill him."
"Where are you?" If she's calling me, this has to be a sincere cry for help.
"The hardware store?"
"Fuck, I'll be right there."
[Leitmotifs: In case you're wondering about the musical notes, I dated a lesbian couple in HS. Which is to say I was a beard. Turns out later that I was transfem, Kelly was a Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia intersex, and Raven a "Drama Dyke." Not Goth the same as Robert Smith, she wore all black because she was a Rigger, and a bondage top. It wasn't a thing, the cool kids pretty much ripped them off, and called it "Gothic." So anyway, that's how I learned to be a girl, perform cunnilingus like a lesbian, and at the time we listened to a lot of Elvis Costello.
Star's is "Baby Plays Around," just listen to the songs, I had the album on while I wrote this. She's an empowered slut, owns it.
Gawaina is "Miss Macbeth," this is basically the transhuman progression of her realizing it. G-to-Sadist. Inhuman. Don't really have them for the minor players, because they're not really People to her. Why she doesn't describe their faces, she can't read them. Nor Victims until she admits she has a problem. That's why nobody can help her, there's just no cure for it, and the worst thing possible for her is an Alpha Male, another Power Assertive Malignant Narcissist. Unfortunately, there's always at least one asshole, and it only takes one to fuck it up. I hate to make excuses, but I wrote her this way, the victim of Privilege. All the privilege, precocious puberty, transgender (Neuter/nonbinary, girls have Empathy) mixed race, and Denial to drive her persecution complex, and compensate with Narcissistic Sadism. Eventually, but it doesn't cum right out of the box. She had to learn...
This is basically all one "Deep Dark Truthful Mirror."]