Fair Witness
Changes are always disruptive. As I get home, we have to come to terms with what is happening to us, as we exclude Lena from the family. We have never excluded anyone before (at least, who had been made part of the family) and it feels creepy as well as necessary.
It is hard for me, and I am struggling to understand what it means to Lena's three daughters. I know Nic2x was the one, who was, and remains, adamant that it be done. That bothers me too, but what of Rose and Lily; what are they feeling now? How will it affect them in the future?
I can tell you what they are saying to me now, but how do I even know that what they are saying is what's in their hearts, or just what they want me to believe is in their hearts. I am not omniscient. I can only see things from my place in this family. How often have I been wrong? How many times have I reported things that were not true and only seemed to be true as I saw them and understood them?
I asked Jake about this, as I am really struggling with the responsibility I took on when I made the decision about Lena for all of us. Jake gave me a book to read and asked me to come back and talk to him about it when I finish it. I did and I have just told Jake that I grok that. Jake smiles and says something to the effect that I now understand we are all living in a world of misperception. Ok, yes, I do get that, but how does that make anything better? And anyway, where are all these weird books coming from? I mean ever since Jake found that first weird book in the Philippines it seems like he is reliving a past life. It feels like cultural anthropology to me and Jake is the subject!
Finding time to sit, one on one, with anyone in this family is a big problem. In this family, there are almost always three or four of us together. After Rose and Lily get home from school, I finally get Rose alone. I want to talk with her about Lena, and to my surprise, she does as well. For the life of me, I do not know the truth after our conversation. As usual, I am translating from Tagalog to English.
Thank you for what you did with mom.
Really?
Yes, it needed to happen.
Why?
Mom was never really part of us.
How do you mean that?
I don't know how to say it, but her needs are not the same as ours.
You are not upset with me?
No! Oh my God, were you afraid of that?
Yes, I was.
OK, I can see why you might think I am, but honestly, it's OK.
You will be OK talking to her?
She's still my mom, she just doesn't belong here.
How is Lily dealing with this?
That's where you might have a problem. I am worried about that. She isn't talking to me at all.
Did you know your Mom had lent her some handcuffs?
No, really? I mean I knew she had them, but not that Lily has them.
Lily gave them back, so she doesn't have them now, but she did have them for a while.
On whom did she use them?
Me.
Oh, Cin! No wonder you knew what to do with Lena!
What do you mean?
It would have ripped us apart if you had let it continue.
Why do you say that?
Because that is not what this family is about. I know that! You know that!
But Lily doesn't know that?
Maybe she is confused.
Maybe.
But I'm not. Jake is my husband, just as he is yours and I'm not going to let Mom screw that up for me.
How can you stop her? If she loses her job for whatever reason, you have to go too.
I know. That's why Jake and Nic2x need to talk to her. It is also why you and Jake need to explain that to Lily.
She is right. I had left some major things unfinished but she was also right that I was not in the best position to finish the job; at least with Lena.
But ... was that just a stiff upper lip I heard from Rose? Was it the real thing? How does a sixteen year-old sort out her feelings about her mother, and about us, in this type of truly weird situation? I mean there isn't exactly any real world reference she can be guided by. If I am flying blind, what is she doing? How would I feel jettisoning my mother?
About half an hour later, I go into Jake's office. He smiles and after a sweet kiss and a squeeze of my ass, tells me he has been expecting me. The guy always has sex on his mind! Luckily, I am still in the earlier part of my pregnancy and also have sex on my mind a lot. Mom has told me that as I get well into the last trimester, it is the last thing I will be thinking of. But for now, it is reassurance that with all the other pretty asses in the house that he still wants mine.
I really don't feel pretty right now, but his hands and mouth make me feel desired anyway. It's one thing to have a dyke stick a dildo up my pussy and a totally different thing to have my husband let me know he still wants my body and my love. I have no problem in the world having sex with girls. I love it. But it is not a substitute for Jake. Why do others think we have to choose between men and women? Since when does making love with a woman mean one of us needs to be a dyke? Maybe if I was a stone cold lesbian it would be different, but I am not and neither are my girl lovers. We all love cock. I dream of it. Yes, I know Nic2x dreams more of pussy, but even she tells me she dreams of Jake and his cock too.
Anyway, Jake agrees he needs to speak with Lena and agrees to take Nic2x with him, but he doesn't think I need him to speak with Lily. I'm not really happy with that decision, but ... I tell him I'll try. He says something else to me that I am trying to figure out. It is at the end of the discussion. I think our talk is over and am getting up from the easy chair in his office; then as I am half up but not yet on my feet, he starts talking.
Cin, you have come a long way from the morning, over five years ago, when you speared your pussy on my cock. You were too young when you started: half-child, half-woman. I didn't think you were ready and in many ways, you really weren't, but you could not be dissuaded. Gel and I tried – successfully I guess – to help you make the transition that most young girls make by breaking away from their parents while you were becoming, in every meaningful way, a wife to me. … ... Now you carry my child, and you are now grown, in so many ways. The childishness is gone: gone from your choice in nail polish, gone from your choice in clothing, gone from your choice of words, and gone from the way you interact with me, and the others around you. I know you don't see it. Gel does and she knows you are not her little girl any more. I see it. I see you as my wife, as much as I see Gel that way. Your mature brain has caught up with your hopes and desires. In truth, I am not sure why it all didn't blow up in my face and send me to jail, but it hasn't and I am more in love with you today than I ever was before. Thank you for everything.
You are still not out of the woods. You are still fucking two minors. I don't think that Rose will be a problem, but Lily is a wild card at fourteen.
I am well aware of that, Cin. I hope you are now done with your need for new underage pussy too. Go talk to Lily and let me know what's going on in that brain of hers. I suspect you are the only one here who may be able to figure it out.
And with that, Jake falls silent. I get back up, kiss him the kiss of a good wife to a strong supportive husband. This is not a sex kiss, it is a kiss of mutual respect and trust ... and then I leave my husband to his office tasks. I am not wet between the legs. My panties are not soaked. Life just isn't like that in real life. Much of the time in our daily lives, we just have to go about getting things done without mind-blowing sex. But I do know he can do that to me when the time is right, and I will be right there, with him, getting him off, as he gets me off ... when the time is right. But this is not the time.
My conversation with Lily happens as soon as I leave Jake's office. It is a confusing talk, for me, but I think all is OK. Lily is in her bedroom, on her bed and apparently listening to music. The ear buds are in her ears, and she is staring raptly at her BlackBerry. I come in and sit on the foot of her bed. She looks up and pulls the buds out. For some reason this conversation is in English.
Girl, we need to talk.
Lily frowns and shifts into a sitting position.
I know.
Really? What do you think we need to talk about?
Mom, of course. Duh.
OK, so you've been thinking about this?
Like uh-huh.
And?
Well, like, you know, it's not all that hard to see that there is no way Mom can, like, pull that stuff and have it be OK.
OK, and?
Well, like, you know, I love my Mom, but this is my home, you and Jake are my loves and even if you, like, were not here, I'm not leaving Jake.
What about the slave stuff?
Like, I am.
You are what? Explain that to me? Isn't that like your mother?
Look, Cin, Jake never told me I have to be his slave, right?
OK, yes.
I, like, told him I was his slave.
Yes, I know. That's the point...
So? He never punished me and it was never a requirement. If I didn't want to be a slave he would love me anyway, right?
OK, Yes. That's right, but...
So, what's the big problem? It is my choice. Jake will always be my master. I am lucky I have a master who doesn't want to be a master and is kind to me.
Lily, you are losing me. I...
Look! Let's, like, say I (and this won't happen) wake up some morning and don't want to be a slave any more, Jake won't care. He'll love me as much as the day before, like, right?
True.
So, don't you think, like, I know that? I am not my Mom! I love her but Rose and me, well, we have this family now and Mom needs something we can't give her. Like, if you think about it, we would, like, be in the way for her. Rose and I know that. And, Cin? ... I love you.
If all this is OK, why haven't you been talking to Rose?
She treats me like a little kid. You don't.
The conversation ends with Lily in my arms, kissing my neck and sucking my ear lobe. I still don't understand the slave bit, but it doesn't seem to be a problem for Lily. In the meantime, a little comfort sex is needed for my youngest lover. I start to slide down between Lily's legs, but she has a different idea and stops me. She grabs her BlackBerry, (Jake can't abide anything Apple or anything without a keyboard, so he got us all BlackBerry's – if you have a problem with that take it up with Jake,) taps something out, puts the buds in my ears and dives down between my legs! What do I hear? Bebot by the Black Eyed Peas! Try that as you are getting a good eating out! Wow! Some comfort food! I swear to God I am cumming in time with the refrain, 'Filipino!' (If you've never heard the song, you can find the original video of it on YouTube. Give it a listen and think of me!)
So much for comforting Lily; she is revved up, seemingly feeling free of the bonds to her mother, and recommitting to us. How can that be? Was I as hard to read or understand when I was fourteen? I have to ask Jake about that.
I wash up and meet Gel in the kitchen as we get supper ready. The rice is cooking. Gel is chopping vegetables for the pancit and the pinakbet. The chicken afritada is cooking in a big pot. The pancit will have pork and shrimp in it; lots of good food. We have to get it on the table in about 90 minutes. While we cook, Gel and I talk about what's been happening. She and Jake have spoken. Gel is worried that we might lose all three girls if Lena creates a wreck. For some reason, that never occurred to me when I was with Lena, but it is a potential problem.
The kids don't qualify for green cards yet. So it's a real worry.
Gel says, Jake and I have been worried about this since they got here. We talked to Nic2x about what she wanted to do in college. Did you ever wonder why she decided to go into the nursing program? She will have her RN when she is 20 and we already know she will get a job at the hospital. We are going to try to move her from a H-4 visa to an H-1 or an emigrant visa as soon as we can. But that is still over a year off. It is also why Nic2x is not pregnant. We decided that we did not need any complications to her getting the H-1 work visa. Before the problem with Lena, our big concerns were with Rose and Lilly. It will take years to get them green cards. Now we are even more worried; worried that Nic2x gets the time to complete her RN training and gets a job.
This government stuff sort-of freaks me out. Clearly, Jake and Gel have been dealing with everything, including everything for me. I am a citizen now. So, I am safe. But my three girls don't even have green cards and it is a creepy feeling.
It's hard for me to be cheerful at the supper table tonight. This coming Saturday, Jake, Gel and Nic2x go to visit with Lena. I will stay here with my girls. In the meantime, there is a long week to get through. And what if it blows up this weekend? I don't think it will, but I don't feel good about any of this. Lena is taking a big risk with the girl who is working for her. I know; I know we are taking a risk too, but with the exception of Lena, we are the parents and there is no outside adult who has connection to our girls.
Am I kidding myself about our safety? What if Lena gets angry with us? I wish so many things. I wish our government recognized same sex marriages. I wish Rose or Lily were old enough to marry.
[In Tagalog]
Rose sort of teases and tells me, Cin, you need to start smiling or your baby will be colicky!
Lily chimes in with, Yes! That would be bad. And you need to be a good role model for us!
I give in. OK, I give up. Everyone get in the car, it's time to get some Blizzards at Dairy Queen. [In English] Jake, can we get you a Blizzard, or maybe you want to come with us?
That breaks the bad mood! Off we go.
Still the week drags on until the weekend comes and the trip to Lena occurs. Then, I am on pins and needles until we hear from them. The entire time they are with Lena we hold our breath and don't dare call them, for fear that it will be at exactly the wrong time.
Finally, close to suppertime on Saturday my cell is telling me that Jake is calling from the On-Star phone in his Hummer. Lily and Rose are right there with me and I put the phone on speaker so that they can hear.
OK, what's the deal?
I hear laughing from Nic2x and Gel.
Jake shouts, Quiet! The laughing stops. ... OK, here's what happened. Nic2x scared the crap out of her mother so bad that we spent an hour quieting her down. Lena hadn't thought that she might spend 20 years in jail here before being deported back, and that all three girls would be deported immediately. Once that became clear she became hysterical. But severing relations with her girl here may just cause that bad crap to happen. It turns out that the girl's mother is happy with Lena's attention, as her daughter is for the first time getting good grades in school...
I ask, Did Lena tell you that?
My, aren't we a bit testy! No, Cin, Gel and I met with the mother. I explained, (lied,) to the good woman, that Filipino customs were different and that it is common for women in the community to mentor younger girls in the village and that I was afraid it might be misunderstood. The mom seemed relieved to hear this and then told me of the good the relationship has done for her daughter. She was happy to know that it was just a cultural thing. It looks like the mother will not be a problem. We spoke to the girl and Lena. Both understand that they have to be more than careful. Lena knows not to add anyone to the household and seems happy we came and warned her. I can't know for sure, and things can fall apart at any time, but for now, it is OK. Plus, Lena is not going to cause problems for us. She knows it would blow up in her face.
So, for now, you think we are OK?
It is Gel who answers, We hope so but, bahala na. [now, it is God's hands.]
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