The meaning of Love

What do you want as a reward for perfect grades this year? You are close to it now. So what incentive would you like?

She is laughing. Her laughter is infectious and now she has all the girls laughing. Jelou just can’t stop and is convulsing in the absurdity of the request, I guess. Tears are rolling off Vieve’s cheeks as she is also beside herself in mirth.

OK. What’s so fucking funny?

Myra evidently can contain her merriment to answer me. You don’t know what she wants more than anything else?

No. What is it?

Rolie! She want the IUD out.

I look at Jelou, and ask, Really? That’s what’s so funny?

She can’t talk, she’s laughing so hard, but she is able to raise her eyebrows up twice as the laughter seems to get even more intense.

I give up. Let them laugh a while. I will eat my dinner.

There is more to think about than Jelou’s schoolwork. It has been a few hours since Myra sent the text to Alida and there has been no response at all following it, from Alida or Marjune. No response to me and none directly to Myra.

We are hopeful that the lack of response is a good thing, but how can we really know?

Tomorrow we will be at Jecim’s mom’s house. Iren has told us to bring some paella and some macaroni salad. Jecim asked how many will be there and got a count back that surprised her. The answer was twenty-five plus us. That is a good number more than we expected.

I think the conversation went this way, based on what Jecim tells me.

Mom, you mean twenty-seven then?

Why that? No! Twenty-five plus you.

Yes, twenty-five plus Roland and me. That is twenty-seven.

No, you not two. There more.

Oh! You mean the other girls? Really mom?

Yes, why not?

You sure? OK, OK. Who the other twenty-five?

It family, nothing else.

The answer from Iren is typical Filipino fashion, vague as hell.

Tomorrow promises to be interesting. Thirty one of us at this party. Iren and Jomar know my girls. Jecim’s older sisters know us too, but even with their husbands and kids, and her brother, his wife and kids, that doesn’t get us close to twenty-five.

The laughter at the table has died down. All are simply eating. I decide to return to Jelou’s desire for the nature of a reward.

Jelou, I will compromise with you. You have one more year to complete before you graduate. I want you to do that and being pregnant now is going to end your school career. But I will agree to have your IUD removed during your sem-break¹ next year. Will that work for you?

I get eyebrows. It does work and all cheer the result, including Jezryl, who turns to me and says, Thank you. Good that she finish school.

Now Jelou, there is one other condition. You can take a year off to care for your baby, but I want you starting college after that.

Why?

Myra would you like to explain to your friend?

I get eyebrows from Myra, who launches into a rapid fire Cebuano lecture. I have no idea what is being said and at the same time, every idea because when it is done, Jelou turns to me and with an expression of disbelief asks, You want me to get a job?

Well, actually no, Jelou, I want you to have a profession.

No! She is actually panicky.

Jezryl, who has been silent, turns to her sister and says quite emphatically, Yes!

Why? You not have this.

I not lucky enough to meet Rolie when I fourteen, stupid! Ask Vieve if she agree with you or me!

Jelou does look at Vieve, but says nothing. Vieve looks back at Jelou and then swivels her head to Jezryl and point with her lips to the older of the two sisters.

In the most plaintive of voices, Jelou asks Vieve, Why?

You no want to be maid, correct?

Yes.

What you think you do? Sit around and eat jackfruit all day? We all work. Better a profession. More money and no cleaning toilets, or maybe wash clothes for others.

Oh. And turning to me, You pay for this college?

Yes.

So, if I not go to college, I am stupid?

Jelou, you are smart, very smart, but it would be a poor choice to not go further with your education. I think you might make a good psychologist, or school guidance counselor, or teacher. But maybe you will want to go into the law, or medicine. It is up to you.

You think I can do this?

Well, you might have a hard time getting a job as a school counselor considering how we live, but yes you can do this.

So it help for college if I have perfect grades?

Yes.

OK, OK, I do it and you take the IUD out next October.²

I agree.

That went far better than I thought it might. I am relieved. I was sure Jelou would push back harder on the college issue, seeing as how she is always saying that school is a big waste of time.

I also didn’t expect what comes next from Myra.

See Rolie, you do love us. You love Jelou. No one do this if not love.

OK, so what am I supposed to do now? Argue with her? They are all in concurrence with Myra. I just smile and decide to finish my supper.

But Myra isn’t going to let it go. Rolie why you not say it?

Myra, each of you is special to me. Each of you will make me sad if you leave. Each of you is a very good person. Each of you deserves my caring and protection. And each of you will have it for as long as you are here with me. What more is needed?

Say you love us!

Myra, what is love? … No don’t think this is easy. It isn’t. Tell me truly what is love? Charline said she loved me. She left. I told her I loved her, now I hate her. Is love supposed to be forever? It wasn’t. At least it wasn’t for me. We are all very happy together. What makes me telling you something I don’t even know exists, any better? So start with telling me what love is. Why isn’t what I said before enough?

That doesn’t go over very well. All but Jecim get up and stomp off. We two sit there and look at each other.

No words pass. Jecim knows me better than the rest do. She may not like some parts of me, but she knows it’s who I am. Roland, I go talk to them. And she leaves the table as well.

Well, shit, I am done with supper I guess as I have lost my appetite. I, too, leave the table, pour a brandy and settle in the easy chair. Ernestine Anderson is singing Angel Eyes. I am frustrated. Why did Myra have to push the matter? I’m not going to start lying. Each knew the score, right from the beginning. So why push what ought to be a non-issue?

I am not up for reading. I just sit, sip, and listen. My eyes are closed. I need to relax.

Roland?

At hearing Jecim’s voice I open my eyes to see all of them assembled in front of me. Myra steps forward, reaches her hand out, takes my right hand, stoops down and brings my hand to her forehead. Each of the others do the same, save Jecim, who didn’t leave in a huff, one at a time. The ‘honoring’ complete, Myra steps forward again. Rolie, I am sorry for what I do. I not do it again. You treat us good. We thank you for this.

What has happened? Why this? Please explain.

No one is answering me.

Jecim, what has happened?

They understand they wrong.

Come on, what really happened?

They think you want them to leave.

What?

They think because no love, they have to go. They love you but you not love them. I tell them they stupid. … We argue, but I think about what you ask Myra. Define love! … Yes I say to her, you say you love Roland, how that different from what he say? … She not understand what you say. I tell her again. ‘You be sad if he leaves. You think Roland a very good person. He deserve your caring and protection for as long as he lives.’ So I ask her, ‘What more is love? Tell me. If there is something more, I will tell Roland myself. If there nothing, then stop being stupid and apologize.’ … She not know what to say. So I say to all. Tell why love different from this? They know they wrong. Vieve say she think there is something more but not know how to say it. I tell her, if she know, ask. Maybe he feel it too. That what happen.

Thank you. I agree. If there is something else, I want to hear what it is. I truly do not know what people mean when they say ‘I love you.’ Maybe you will all help me.

And now I have smiles again. Go fucking figure.

OK now that the drama is over, Jelou, you have a school project you should be working on.

Jezryl reminds all that the table hasn’t been cleared, and the food is not eaten in some cases, including Jelou, who is called back to the table to finish her supper.

All leave but Jecim, who hangs back, kisses my cheek, honors me, and says, clear as a bell, and loud enough for all to hear, I love you Roland. And Roland, it mean that no one else ever make me the happy person I am now. I can’t leave you. Even if some day maybe I unhappy, I can’t. My love not let me. That the difference. Maybe you not able to say that about us. I not care. I love you.

She gets up and walks to the table with the other girls, who just look at her in silence. The only sounds, of jazz, a rendition of Straight No Chaser.

I suspect that Jecim has shamed them all. She has called me out as well. She hit it on the head. I don’t believe that the feelings that generate statements such as hers are real. They sound good, but they have no standing in the court of reality.

Still, one by one, each comes over to me and says the same thing, kisses me and goes back to the table to finish their meal.

I try reading, but it’s not going to happen. My head’s just not there. My brandy is not finished. I take it and go up to the bedroom.

I settle in, listening to some more jazz, and I lie back and sip what’s left in the snifter.

Maybe ten minutes later Jecim comes in and gets on the bed, snuggling against me. I put an arm around her shoulders as I mention that Jelou is to be with me tonight.

No, we switch. I here tonight. All agree.

And so, tonight, as I finish the brandy, we talk about Jelou and college, we talk about her dreams. I ask her if she wants to go to college.

How that?

Well, you graduated high school, right?

Yes. But I am the maid!

We have Jezryl and Vieve. So do you want to go to college?

They not cook good. No, I stay here, with you. You not get me a profession and send me away. I not do that!

I am not trying to get rid of you! The other two did not graduate. It’s not that I don’t want you to think that you can’t have what I'm offering Jelou. ...

Then what?

How will you all care for the kids and this place when I am gone? Where will the money come from?

That it?

Yes.

But no! I not leave you. No college.

Getting a degree does not mean you will leave me.

Yes it do. Stop it, please.

In a little bit. But not yet. Jecim, you think I love you, right?

Roland, I know you do.

OK, so, if you think I love you, do you think I am asking these things to hurt you?

But it hurts.

OK, but if you love someone, aren’t you supposed to tell that one only the truth, even if they do not want to hear it?

Why you being difficult?

Jecim, if I have a long life and die at ninety years of age, how old will you be?

Not sure. Why you doing this?

Sweetie, you will be only thirty-nine and you may have children still to raise. Even if I live to ninety that is only twenty three years from now. But I could die tomorrow or next year and more than likely in the next ten years. Jecim, there is no way Jezryl or Vieve can get a college education. But you can. Or at least a certified trade. This house goes to Charline. I can’t give it to you. What will you and our children do?

Roland! Don’t say you to die!

Jecim, you, Myra and Jelou need to have professions or skills to keep the family together. Vieve and Jezryl can take care of the home and the kids, but you three are going to have to be working. You say you love me. I need you to do more than say it. I need you to think about the future.

Why you say this now? Why, Roland?

I wanted to see you as a housekeeper who would decide at some point to move on. The past few days have convinced me that none of you are likely to do that. I had planned for it, by having more than one of you. I was protecting myself from what I felt when Charline left. But you really do seem to be with me until I die. So remember what I say? I care about each of you. So what happens when I die becomes important. That’s why.

Jecim is crying. I am not sure why and I am not asking. They say all the nonsense about love, but what they don’t get is that love requires sacrifice, doing things you didn’t really want to do, or plan to do. Being a Mistress is to get what you can to meet your own needs and giving of yourself enough to keep the damned thing rolling along.

They want to push this love thing? OK, I am going to take it seriously on their part and expect them to step up and take the actions that tell me the love is real. I can give them no long term payoff. If they are really here till the bitter end, then when I am gone, unless they step up now, the shit really is going to hit the fan.

She is still crying but holding on tightly to me and kissing me at the same time.

Roland, they can’t cook! Who cook for you?

Teach them. They can learn. They may never be as good a cook as you are, but if it is just OK, then that is a sacrifice I make for the future.

What you want me to learn?

That is up to you. But whatever it is, it needs to prepare you to earn money.

I not do that before because my mother not afford this. She tell me it best to be your maid. Maybe you will love me and make me your girl. This what she say. I do it. I not think I will love you. But I do. I not want to be away from you. Now, because I love you, I must be away from you. This not fair.

And there you have it. She has finally copped to the original plan. And it is exactly as I always suspected.

See what courses are available here in Naval. It may not be necessary for you to be gone from me. Same with Jelou. If both of you can get your degrees from Naval State University, all stay here.

The crying has stopped. I can take a year off from school every time I give birth, correct?

Yes, OK.

Good!

Jecim gets up, removes her clothing, pulls me up and insists I strip right now.

There are times, once you have been living with someone for a bit, that you forget to really look at them. I am looking at Jecim right now. She is not even five feet tall. She is petite and pretty. Her body is not to be ignored. Her skin is smooth, her complexion perfect. Her form without any fat, and yet not a bone is evident other than her shoulders. Her thighs and calves are perfect. If you were to paint a young innocent looking Filipina beauty, you might be painting her. Maybe she isn’t a statuesque beauty queen, but you would have a hard time pulling your eyes off her if you could see her as I see her right now.

The first time I was with her, she was a virgin. She is not a virgin now. She is not shy about what she wants as we take our places on the mattress. She pushes my head to her left breast, and grabbing my hand, puts it on her cunt. She wants me to get her off. This is no 'fuck me for the team,' this is an, I need you, I need this NOW!

There is a sense of urgency about her. In no time at all she is awash in her own juices between her legs. Her breath is already ragged as I suck on her tit and flick her nipple with my tongue. I am not really responsible for her passion. I haven’t done enough to take any credit. This is all Jecim.

She reaches down to see if I am hard enough to enter her. I am, if just barely. As wet as she is, it won’t take much.

I weigh more than twice what she weighs, but she pulls me up on top of her. She is impatient. She wants me inside her. Carefully, so as not to put too much of my weight on her, I comply and ease my dick into her, hardening more as I proceed.

That the feel of her cunt around my dick feels good is to state nothing but the obvious. I slide back and push in, now deeper. She moans.

Her arms reach around my neck and pull me in for a long, wet kiss. She breathes my breath, I breathe hers. I continue stroking away as we kiss, her arms surrounding my neck.

No words are spoken as we rut away, minute after minute.

I feel her orgasms as they start coming. And then she seems to stop, her body has simply become a rag, mine to use as I wish. My cum explodes into her. She gasps and then sighs. It is done.

I roll off and she snuggles into me. OK, we plan for the future. You right.

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Chapter 28